U.S. Marshals: Chased (U.S. Marshals Book 2)
Page 18
Allie started to cry again. She didn’t want to, but couldn’t help it, any more than she could help what she now had to do.
Caleb went to her, fell to his knees to cradle her face in his hands. “What’s wrong? You said Cal’s all right, so does that mean something’s off with you? You’re not physically hurt, are you? Just a little shook up?”
A little shook up? They all could’ve died! Tonight made the horror she’d gone through over her dad look like a cake walk.
She nodded.
“Sweetie,” he said. “Sure, we had some excitement, but—”
“Caleb, we were almost killed! People were shooting at us!”
He calmly reached for the box of tissue on the sofa’s side table, held one to her nose, then said, “Blow.”
She did.
“Better?”
She nodded, then shook her head. “I—I love you, but we can’t get married. It’d never work.”
“What?” He eased her back, smoothing stray hairs from her forehead. “You’re clearly upset about tonight, but—”
“What did you do after you dropped us off?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s three a.m.,” she said. “The movie was over at nine-thirty. Where have you been?”
He looked down.
“This is why I left you, Caleb. Because of future nights like this. Only for Cal and me, hopefully tonight is the last we’ll ever see of a world this out of control. For you, though,” she laughed, “for you, this is ordinary. You actually enjoy it.”
He froze. “You think I actually liked having my future wife and kid and dog getting shot at?”
“Of course not. You know what I mean. And I’m not going to be your wife, Caleb. After tonight, I know the two of us were never meant to be. My heart couldn’t take it. As much as I love you,” she said, crying all over again, “your job is too dangerous.”
“Babe…” He pulled her back into his arms, smoothing her hair. Kissing her forehead, cheeks, nose and finally her lips. Just as seconds earlier she’d been drowning in tears, she was now drowning in love. In a kiss so savagely sweet she couldn’t breathe or think—just feel.
Heart pounding, she couldn’t even imagine life without Caleb in it. But she also couldn’t fathom a life strung with an endless succession of gun fights and wild chases. Never knowing if it’d be Caleb who came home, or some random marshal or police officer standing on the front porch, hat in hand, telling her, like they’d no doubt told her mother, they were sorry.
“It ever occur to you,” Caleb said when they came up for air, “that at the moment, your job is the dangerous one? I mean, if it hadn’t been for you and Cal’s lives being threatened, I’d have never even come to Calumet City.” Tenderly brushing her tears with the pads of his thumbs, he drew her to her feet, hugging her until she couldn’t tell where she left off and he began.
Making a family with Caleb was all she’d ever wanted. But what was the point of making that family if all they ever had was tonight?
What would she tell Cal about why his daddy wasn’t coming home? She knew from experience losing a dad was a hellish kind of pain. One she never wanted to see her son go through.
“I—I love you,” she said, “but I can’t marry you. It…” She looked down, toyed with a button on his denim shirt. It was the one she’d sewn for him. “It would be too hard. I’m not strong enough.”
Allie knew the moment she’d well and truly lost the only man she’d ever love.
Beneath her fingertips, his once warm, welcoming muscles turned to cold, unyielding stone.
He sighed. Clenched his jaw before looking at the pathetic fire, then back to her. “I’ve worked my ass off for you. I’ve brought you gifts. Tried helping around the house. Made love to you till I thought I’d die if I didn’t let go. But I held on, Allie. I held on for you. Because I always—always, put your needs—Cal’s—before my own. You seemed skittish about the whole marriage thing. So, okay, fine. I took it slow. You were worried my family wouldn’t like you. So okay, fine. I called in the cavalry so that even they bent over backward trying to please you. But know what I’ve only just now come to realize?”
Holding in new tears, she shook her head.
“With the benefit of hindsight, I see there is no such thing as pleasing you. The two of us could’ve been beyond great. We had it all. Only just like last time, you’re throwing it away.”
“That’s not true,” she gushed on the heels of a sob. “You’re twisting my words. I—”
“Save it,” he said. “I’ve got a long night ahead of me to make it to Portland by morning.”
“You can’t leave. Not tonight. It’s raining. It might be—”
“Dangerous?” He laughed. “I’d rather deal with rain any day than the likes of you. Tell Cal I love him, and will see him soon. Oh, and make no mistake, whether you want me in his life or not, I’m there. For good.”
“DAMN.” Caleb’s brother Beau whistled. He sat in front of Caleb’s Portland office desk while they went over the last of the history Beau needed to be caught up to speed concerning Allie and Cal’s security status. He would now be the lead man on their team. “Sounds like your Allie’s one messed up broad.”
“Don’t call her messed up,” Caleb bristled. “And she’s not a broad, but the mother of my child.”
“Still have a thing for her, huh?”
More like a blow torch. “No. I wouldn’t care if I never saw her again.”
“Uh-huh.” Beau shoved his piece into his shoulder holster, then pulled on a leather jacket. “So how much longer this gig expected to last?”
“The judge and Cal will need protecting at least through the sentencing phase of the trial. After that, I’m hoping Francis and his gang will back off—not that there can be many of them left.”
“Yeah, you thought that the last time they hit.”
Sighing, palm permanently clamped to his throbbing forehead, Caleb said, “Do me a favor?”
“What’s that?”
“Get lost.”
Used to his older brother’s caustic flair, usually brought on by Allie, Beau shot him a grin. “Will do, big bro. Catch you on the flipside.”
Caleb closed his eyes and groaned.
“Allie,” Gillian said on the phone three days later. “Believe me, it’s not the money I’m upset about, but you. You’re not thinking clearly.”
“Yes,” Allie said, staring out her office window at the gloom. If Beau came in and caught her with her shades up, there’d be hell to pay, but at the moment, she really couldn’t imagine a chewing out making her feel much worse. Since Caleb had left, a low-level queasiness seemed to have taken hold. Apparently, she was destined to feel wretched for the rest of her life. “I’ve never thought clearer. In fact, the point where I should’ve been concerned about being off my rocker was when I told Caleb I’d marry him in the first place. Dumb. Spectacularly stupid.”
Gillian sighed. “Because you’re clearly not yourself, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”
“Pretend all you want,” Allie said. “But Caleb and I are finished as a couple.”
“Just like that?”
“Yep.”
“What about Thanksgiving?” Gillian asked. “You two seemed so in love.”
“An illusion brought on by too much rich food and your indescribably beautiful house.”
“It is awfully pretty, isn’t it? Did I mention Joe hired a contractor to put in a small bowling alley? Just a small one. Three or four lanes at the most. But back to you, Allie. I seriously think you ought to reconsider backing out of this wedding. Shania was all set to come—though I made her promise not to flash her gorgeous eyes at either of our men—although Adam and Beau are both still available. Not that any sane woman would want them, but that’s a whole other issue—”
“Gillian,” Allie firmly said. “I’ve got to go.”
“No,” Caleb’s sister said, perfectly picking up on Allie’s deeper mea
ning. That once again she had to escape an impossible situation—even if it was only accomplished by shutting off her heart. “Allie, you don’t have to go anywhere, ever again. Honey, don’t you get it? You’re home.”
Despite being seated in her big judge’s chair behind her big judge’s desk, despite her insanely tight grip on the phone, a tremor shook through Allie. Low and deep and terrifying. Yes, she thought, making a bumbling goodbye, because of past mistakes and an uncertain future she couldn’t even begin to navigate, she was now and forever alone. But at least her son wasn’t.
Saturday was far too beautiful for it be early December in Oregon—at least as far as the weather was concerned. As for inside Allie’s head, it felt snowy and ten degrees.
During the past two weeks, not a peep had been heard out of Francis or any of his men, who were now locked up with him. In fact, so many of Francis’s buddies had been jailed, that, pending their own trials, they’d had to be transferred to neighboring counties due to a shortage of cells.
Because there couldn’t possibly be more of Francis’s following still at large, Allie stood at the upstairs hall window with the curtains wide open, staring out at Caleb and Vince as they bundled Cal and Milo into Caleb’s black SUV.
Vince stooped to tickle Cal, and for the first time since Caleb had left, he squealed with laughter.
It was good hearing him laugh.
For him, it would be a great day spent at the petting farm, finally picking out that rooster he’d been carrying on about.
Allie hugged herself, wondering for the umpteenth time just what she was trying to accomplish by staying away from Caleb?
Squeezing her eyes shut, she imagined the feel of him holding her. Being inside her. Telling her he loved her. She imagined him wrestling, laughing with their son. The questions of whether or not he’d be a good dad or husband were gone.
He’d already proven himself awesome at both.
Leaving the only real question the cruelest one. If she abandoned herself to loving him, what if, like her father, she lost him? What would she do? How would she ever go on, knowing she had to not only deal with her own grief, but Cal’s?
She clutched her still queasy stomach.
The back door opened. “Allie?”
Just hearing Caleb’s voice stopped her heart. “I’m upstairs,” she said.
“Close the drapes and step away from the window.”
With her back to him, brushing silent tears, she did as she’d been told.
“Dammit, Allie, how many times do I have to tell you these guys play for keeps? We can’t protect you if you’re just standing there like the perfect target.”
“Okay, okay, I get it.” Blindly descending the stairs, she nodded. “Please, quit yelling at me.”
“I’m not even kind of yelling,” he calmly said, catching her with cool, professional detachment when she stumbled on the last step.
That brief touch was all it took to bring her well of sorrow crushing back.
“Beau and Adam are heading up your team here at the house,” he said. “Bear’s leading Cal’s team.”
“Wh-why not you?” she asked. He’s always been safe with you.
He sighed. “I’m here just as a dad, Al. Give me a few more seconds and I’ll be out of your hair—just as you requested.”
“Caleb, please, you’re twisting my words.”
“Save it. Save your tear buckets, too. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t even exist.”
That stole not only what was left of her crazy hope that they might at least be friends, but also her breath.
Didn’t even exist?
Could he truly be that cold?
“Only reason I’m even in here,” he said, “is to give my son’s mother his agenda. On it are planned lunch and petting farm times. Assume a slight margin of error for unexpected bathroom stops and the like.” He set the stark white paper on the black granite counter.
She glanced at it. At the military times. The typed names, addresses and phone numbers of Zippy’s Pizza Circus and Ye Olde Petting Farm. This sheet couldn’t be a product of the warmhearted man she loved. The Caleb she knew could never be this detached and impersonal. “Th-thank you.”
Catching her with his precious sage green stare identical to their son’s, he nodded, then headed out the back door.
“What have I done?” she whispered, staggering into a table chair.
She’d told Caleb she wouldn’t marry him in some childish attempt to protect herself, but the fact of the matter was that she’d already lost her heart. And seeing him now, like this, every weekend and holiday, having him so close, yet indescribably far away…
In ways, wouldn’t the pain be even more keen than losing him to—oh, God, she couldn’t even think it.
Wouldn’t think of it.
Raising the blinds over the kitchen sink, she watched the men she loved pull out of the drive, setting off on a fun day without her, picking out a rooster and hen without her. Laughing and loving and living without her.
Cradling her forehead in her hands, she laughed through more tears. What exactly were Beau and the other members of her team trying to protect? Because without Caleb in her life, she was no longer a flesh and blood woman, but an empty shell.
“You all right?” Vince, Caleb’s father, joined Allie beside the fire. Caleb and Cal and Milo were out back, setting up the coop. It’d started to rain, and Vince had come inside, asking her to make a pot of coffee.
Gripping her mug tighter, she nodded. “I’m, um, fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” Pretending she was on the bench, forced to maintain a professional demeanor, she flashed the sweet man a smile. If she paused for one second to think of Vince as the man who could’ve been her second father—too late, her smile faded and hot tears stung her eyes.
“Come here.” Hand on the small of her back, he gently guided her to one of the lounge chairs before sitting beside her. “I want to tell you a story.”
Unable to speak, she nodded, cradling her coffee, angling to face him.
“My wife, the boys’ and Gillian’s momma, was one helluva woman. Helen made pot roast and gravy the likes of which made you sit up and sing. And her pies…” His face shone with a bittersweet smile. “Don’t get me started. And Lord, the woman loved her babies. I never saw any woman as protective over her kin—at least until I met you.” He sipped his coffee.
“Sounds like you still miss her,” Allie softly said.
“That I do. She was my best friend. But…” He shrugged. “Sometimes life deals crappy blows. I had to go on. Had four kids to raise, and if I’d done a bad job, Helen would’ve come back from the grave to wallop me good.”
They both laughed.
“After me,” Vince said, “I’d hazard a guess Gillian took her momma dying the hardest.” He shook his head. “I don’t know, could be I’m wrong. Grief’s not the sort of thing you can assign numbers to. Figures and caseloads—those I was always real good at, but the touchy-feely stuff?” He chuckled. “Not my cup of tea. Anyway,” he said with a deep breath, “all I was trying to get at in a not very direct way is that Caleb told me you don’t want to marry him because you’re afraid your whole lives are going to turn into one, big shoot-out, but honey…”
Caleb told his father her concerns? “My fears were personal,” Allie said. “He should’ve never—”
“Whoa,” Vince said. “Hold it right there. Us Logues—we’re a family. One that if you had a lick of sense in that pretty head of yours, you’d soon be a legal part of. Technically, you’re already one of us, but we’d just as soon make it official. As a family, we share what ails us, and Allie, my son is ailing over you. He has been for a long, long time. Now, I’m not one for digging up old bones, but my Helen spent an awful lot of time praying over my safety every time I went off to work, and apparently too little time praying for herself. While she was all busy, worrying herself about me being shot, she went and had a heart attack. My point is, you just can’t tell what life’s lia
ble to bring. It’s not like a light bulb or TV set. Doesn’t come with a guarantee. All you can do is take what bits of happiness the good Lord gives you, and try to deal best you can with the rest.”
“Mom, Mom!” Muddy and wet and obviously happy, Cal and Milo burst through the back door. “You’ve gotta come outside and see my rooster! Herbert’s cool. And we got him some friends, too!”
Vince was in the den watching football, leaving Allie alone with her men.
“Cal,” Caleb said, shutting the door behind them. “It’s pretty nasty out. How about you get in the tub and your mom meets Herbert in the morning?”
“That’s okay,” Allie said, hungry for more time with Caleb—no matter how awkward or unpleasant due to weather or his not wanting to be with her. “I don’t mind getting wet.”
“I do.” Caleb fixed her with his new brand of icy stare. “Cal, seriously, bud, get those shoes off and head on up to the tub. You’re starting to smell like a rooster. Leave Milo with me so I can towel off his muddy feet.”
“Are you and Grandpa spending the night?” Cal asked. “Smells like Mom’s making Great-Grandma Beatrice’s spaghetti.”
“Sorry,” Caleb said. “But I’ve got to be at work in the morning, and it’s a long drive back to Portland.”
“I thought you were going to work here?” Cal asked.
A muscle twitched in Caleb’s jaw.
Allie felt dangerously close to retching—even more so than usual.
Why didn’t Caleb work here? Because she didn’t want him to. Because, as usual, she was messing things up.
“Long story,” Caleb said with an even longer sigh. “Come here.” He pulled their boy into a fierce hug. “You know how much I love you, right?”
Cal nodded against Caleb’s belly. “I love you, too.”
“Cool. Then that means we’re still on for next weekend?”
“Yeah,” Cal said. “But how come you can’t come back sooner? I’ll miss you till then. What if something happens at school and I have to talk to you?”