Six Years

by Stephanie Witter

  “You too,’’ I mumbled automatically and turned off my phone. I grabbed my laptop case from my trunk and walked to the diner. There were very few patrons; a few old ladies holding court and gossiping, and a teenager boy flirting with the girl behind the counter.

  Without a word I settled at a small table and turned on my laptop, trying to stave off the doubts, the emotions swirling inside me. I was too far behind schedule to put this off any longer. I was supposed to send the first fifty pages to my agent and publisher before I left for Riverdale. I hadn’t even written thirty pages yet. It had never happened to me but for the first time in as long as I could remember I was afraid of the writer’s block.

  I closed my eyes for a minute, trying to settle my nerves and find the calm I needed to write efficiently. But there’s only one image behind my closed eyelids. Brooklyn and her sassy smile.

  I growled and rubbed my eyes.

  * * *

  BROOKLYN

  "Two beers on tap, please Elena," I asked the bartender, a woman of few words. She was new in town and I didn't even know where she was from. Whenever I asked her a question, she answered evasively and I found it quite strange. But aside from her closed off persona, she looked quite average with her wavy brown hair, brown eyes and barely there make up.

  She nodded and gave me the beers. I walked back to the table and gave the men their beers. I winked at them and when I turned around, Nolan was there, looking expectantly at me.

  "Do you have a minute?" he asked me with a soft smile I couldn't say no to, not when everything in me was warming at his presence.

  "Take a table and I'll join you in a second."

  When he walked away I did something I couldn't be scolded for doing. I checked out his ass in his jeans and... That looked good. I fanned myself and Lisa, the waitress I was working with tonight laughed at me. She was a petite and curvaceous girl.

  “Are you okay if I take my break now? Just five minutes."

  "Of course. Have fun with him," she said with a smile gracing her little mouth as she finished cleaning a table.

  The bar wasn't very crowded tonight and I was thankful for it. I was too tired to run around for hours and I hoped I might be able to leave soon. The down side was that I wouldn't make many tips tonight. But you couldn't have everything.

  I sat in front of Nolan and waited for him to say something but instead he was looking at me like it was the first time he’d met me. I thought about waving in front of his face, but I would come across as awkward and that wasn't my idea of fun.

  "I thought about what you said earlier." He sighed and leaned back on his chair. "I would have regrets, but I can't exactly yell at her when she looks so... I mean she's fucking dying!"

  I grabbed one of his hand and squeezed it. Maybe I was doing this to comfort him, but it would be a lie if it wasn’t also because I wanted to touch him. I was falling back again and fast, or maybe I’d never stopped feeling something for him. And it was still hopeless, but at least, I could touch him a little bit.

  "I want to tell you something, but I know you're going to be mad at me and I don't want you to be," I said after a few more seconds of silence.

  He cocked his head on one side and put his hand over mine. I was tingling. "Tell me."

  "In all this shitstorm with your mom, you're lucky about one thing," His hand under mine and the one above tensed, but I kept going. "She loves you. It's something I don't have with my parents. They don't yell at me, don't put me through what you went through, that's true, but I get the cold shoulder. They’ve never told me they loved me and I know that your mom told you she loves you. I never had someone to just talk to at home and even if your mother was often out of it, she talked to you. You were wanted when she got you, I was not. I'm the child my parents decided to have in the hope of being some kind of replacement to my dead big sister and when they had their first look at me they saw that I was lacking in everything Kelly was and they rejected me. You have no idea what it's like to not know what it's like to be loved." My voice broke slightly, but I cleared it. I wouldn't cry over this. It was my life and I had to deal with it. It's not like I had any choice, but I wanted to open Nolan's eyes. I didn't want him to suffer once his mother was gone. He deserved to find some sort of peace from his past.

  "They love you, Little B. They have to." I looked up and my breath caught in my throat. There was so much emotion on his face and it was directed right at me. "They don't know how to express it after they lost Kelly. And you know what it feels like to be loved. I love you, Little B."

  My heart missed a beat. I wanted his words to mean so much more. I wanted him to bein love with me, Brooklyn Powell, not feel sisterly love for Little B. But in a way, he was right, I knew what it felt like because he was attached to me, deeply so. I smiled at him.

  "You look very cozy over here."

  Nolan released my hand and turned to his right where Mike was, frowning down at him. "We were talking."

  Mike glanced at me and his brown eyes could have killed. They drilled into us.

  I frowned at him, feeling annoyance coming, flooding me. At seeing Mike all threatening against Nolan, you would think I was his. I glanced at Nolan and saw him ready to bolt and it angered me even more. Granted, we weren't havinga moment, but our talk was important, was meaningful and now he acted almost as if it was wrong.

  "Relax, Mike. We were just talking," I replied dismissively, my voice nonchalant as I was burning a hole in his face. Since Nolan came back, Mike had been awfullyclose to me, flaunting me to his face and I hated that. I didn’t want to be used to spite Nolan. I was fed up.

  "And holding hands?" He arched an eyebrow at me before his dark eyes went back to his old friend, openly defiant.

  Nolan held up his hands and started to stand. Before I could catch up with my own movement, my hand shot up and I forced him back in his chair, not once looking away from my "boyfriend".

  "Stay here. I need to have a word with Mike."

  "That's fine, I have to go so..." he trailed of, his face now devoid of any trace of his previous turmoil. The only tell that gave his annoyance away was the way he was tugging with his teeth on his small lip ring.

  I shook my head and pinned him with a glare. "Stay."

  I didn't wait for his answer and led Mike outside. He was starting to relax as we were putting some space from Nolan. I waved at my coworkers who were more interested in my little drama than in the impatient customers when I walked to the front door and outside in the warm summer air.

  Mike stopped me with a hand on my shoulder before I could walk farther into the parking lot. His grip was loose, but it felt constricting all of a sudden, just like this thing between us was. I shook him off and turned around to face him.

  "What was that?" My voice was deadly calm and he knew me well enough to know it didn't bode well. My cold anger was not something that should be messed with.

  He looked back at the bar where a couple of guys were leaving, laughing their asses off, breaking the calm night with their raucous laughers.

  "I don't like the way you two look at each other, Brooklyn."

  I couldn't help the scoff that came out of my mouth.The way we looked at each other? "Really? That's what you come up with?" I tugged down my shirt that was riding over my waist.

  His mouth twisted into an uninviting smile and it was quite creepy in the night. "Do you really think I forgot how you felt about him? You've always been drooling at his feet, and now it's like you're begging him to fuck you. I'm not one to share my girl." With each of his words he came closer to me, invading my personal space and forcing me to take a few steps back.

  I pushed on his chest, but he didn't budge. Under my palms I felt his muscles bunch. "I'm not your girl, Mike! You don't even bring me to your place to fuck me!’’ I moved my hand from him to me. "We're nothing more than a convenience and we both know it. You don't like me, you probably go around behind my back and before Nolan's return you’ve never cared what I was doing when we
're not together. So what is it?"

  "I can't believe you!" he yelled at me, his composure slipping away. "We've been sleeping together for the last seven months. Seven months! Do you really think it means nothing to me?"

  "What do you want from me, Mike? I'm not going to ignore Nolan just because you want me to."

  His dry laugh rang between us. "Of course not. He's your Big No, the one you've always loved, the one you’ve pined after for years, the one you secretly hope will open his eyes and want you. Don't think I'm that big of an idiot, Brooklyn."

  My heart missed a beat and I looked down at the cracked concrete of the parking lot right next to the road that was dividing our little town in two parts, straight without a detour and while Mike and I were on the same side right now, we’d never been more far apart. It was like the road was this uncrossable road and we were on opposite sides.

  "I don't love him anymore. It was six years ago."

  "Oh really?" he said with disbelief and I couldn't blame him. To my own ears, I didn't sound all that much convincing. "Then be with me."

  I stared at his face once again, silently and slowly. Mike was a good looking guy, so much so that I knew he could have anybody around here and his family was well known. He had money, a secure job and he wasn't a bad guy even if he did act like an asshole sometimes, but at heart, he was a good guy. But at this point, now that Nolan was here I was starting to see things with fresh eyes. It wasn't that I was hoping to lure Nolan to my bed—he had a steady girlfriend and I was just his Little B—but he made me remember what I used to dream about, who I used to be.

  "I can't. We're not good for each other."

  He looked down and nodded slowly. "I knew you'd say that. You don't even know it, but every time I hinted at something more between us, you backpedaled and I never fought for you." He looked up and I saw all the fight leaving his body, his eyes losing their angry spark and it was replaced with sadness. "I messed up and thought that you'd stay, but now there's Nolan."

  "I'm not trying to..."

  "I don't want to hear about it, Brooklyn." He sighed and fished his car keys in his cargo shorts. "For the first time I was starting to feel something for a girl who is not emotionally available. It's just my luck."

  It was difficult to swallow all of a sudden. I never thought that breaking up with Mike would be hard or painful even. I've always seen this thing between us as convenient, easy and I knew it would end sooner or later, but I’d never envisioned him starting to feel something more for me. Not when I'm so closed off. About this, Mike was quite dead on. Whenever I feel a guy getting close one way or another beyond the physical stuffs, I clammed up and most of the time I didn't even realize it.

  "I'm sorry."

  He shrugged good-naturedly, starting to walk away and towards his car parked farther in the parking lot. I momentarily lost track of him when a car drove down the road, its lights blinding me. "I'm sorry too, because this thing with Nolan is going to hurt you."

  And he climbed into his expensive car, not wasting a second before he sped away, leaving me with his parting words echoing in my head and buzzing in my ears. Why my feelings for Nolan were still there, inside me? Why? I closed my eyes, trying to chase away the spots left from the car's lights.

  I shook my head and walked back inside and as soon as my eyes landed on him, my world came back on its axis. Shit. I really was pining after him. Even six years later. He looked up from his empty beer bottle he pulled the label off and his hazel eyes warmed me. Tingles started where there shouldn't be any.He had a girlfriend.The pain could have made me trip if I wasn't better at getting a hold of myself. I shook my head.I needed to get back to work.

  I sat back on the chair I vacated a few minutes ago. It was hard to keep my eyes locked on his as I could see questions swirling in them. He ran a hand in his hair and messed even more with it. I clasped my hands together under the table as an intense need to run my fingers through his unruly locks appeared inside me, taking away the sensible part of me that was very important right now.

  "Trouble in paradise?" he finally asked me, his voice colder than I was expecting.

  In a ridiculous way only a woman could feel, I was thrilled that he hated the fact that I was with Mike. It was irrational and not even relevant because he hated it just because he knew how Mike could disrespect women. There was nothing more to it and yet... My blood was rushing madly into my body, and I felt alive. Damn, I felt so alive whenever I was close to him. How come I ignored it these last few days? Nolan would always beNolan. He was my weakness, my biggest dream yet too far out of reach.

  "It's over."

  His lip ring popped out of his mouth and my eyes couldn't look away, even less when his tongue made an appearance and swept on his lower lip. "You broke up?"

  I nodded and stood up. "I need to go back to work."

  He nodded absentmindedly, his eyes lost in thoughts. When we were younger, I remembered him having this look whenever he was ready to lose himself in his writing. But he snapped back to the present when I took his empty beer bottle. "When are you working tomorrow?"

  "Hmm... Noon 'til six. Why?"

  "Movie night, but this time in my room." His eyes never wavered while my heart tried to burst out of my chest. I brought a hand to my chest and scratched uneasily.

  I shouldn't make a big deal out of this. After all, we had countless movie nights and it wouldn't be any different. But it had always been in my bedroom, in my parents' house. Never had it been somewhere else, never in a hotel room and now we were both adults.Adults.I mentally scoffed at myself.Yeah, right. Like he sees me as an adult.

  "Okay. It's a date." And I never wanted my words to be more true, despite his amused laugh at hearing me.

  I saw Big No kissing a girl earlier. It wasn't the first time, but it felt different and I didn't like how it made me feel. It was painful in my chest and I didn't want to see him. I finished the last sentence of my homework—I didn't like math very much—and grabbed my stuffed bunny. It was white with long ears and it was Granny who gave it to me a while ago. I was too old to keep a stuffed bunny and I didn't want Big No to see it, but right now I needed Eary-Bunny.

  I pressed it against me, but it wasn't like when Big No hugged me when I was sad. Eary-Bunny couldn't hug me back. I shrugged and put it back under my bed before I sat back.

  A few minutes later, my window opened from the outside. I glanced and when I saw Big No come in my bedroom, my stomach knotted, but it was different than it normally was. I was sad because that girl was older than me and prettier. And he kissed her and pressed his body against her.

  "Hey, Little B. How was your day?"

  I shrugged and turned on the TV. It was an old movie, a black and white one with singing people. "It was okay."

  The bed caved when he sat. I wanted to look at him and hug him tight to never let him go. I wanted him for me alone because the other girls shouldn't have him, but it wasn't possible. He had other friends, I had others too at school, but it wasn’t the same.

  "What's going on? Was there something wrong at school? A boy bugged you?" he asked me softly. He put a finger under my chin and turned my face toward him.

  His lips were redder than usual and his eyes were brighter and it was all her doing. I hated her. I didn't even know her but…

  “Nothing.’’ I pulled away and looked down to my pink and grey bed, so very childish. It screamed ten year old little girl.

  "Don't bullshit me, Little B."

  I looked up and bit on my lower lip. His voice was stern and he was never like this with me. Never. I didn't want him to be mad at me and leave. "I saw you kissing a girl. Is she your girlfriend?"

  His eyebrows shot up and he chuckled, shaking his head. "It's not like that."

  "But I saw you with her."

  He sighed and took one of my little hands in his big one. "You're too young to understand that, but she doesn't mean anything. You're the only girl in my life, Little B, and it won't change."


  My heart sped up and I felt all funny again. I smiled and looked away when I felt my cheeks getting hot. He chuckled again and I loved this sound. It was just for me.

  NOLAN

  I checked my watch again and cursed loudly in the quiet room. “Fuck!’’.

  It wasn’t even three in the afternoon and I was already going mad here. Usually, when I was writing I could spenddays locked away in my apartment. Days. Here, a few hours in and I already had the urge to go out and do something else.

  I gripped the roots of my hair and tugged until my scalp started to numb from the pain. I closed my eyes and cringed when the low beep signaling a new email sounded from my laptop on my knees. An hour earlier it had been Lena asking me how my writing was going and what I had planned. I didn’t answer her. Since I’d been back here in Riverdale I’d barely written fifteen pages. I didn’t even want to think about these pages because I was pretty certain they sucked. And as far as my plans went, I didn’t feel like telling her about Brooklyn and our movie night. Opening that can of worms now would bring a mess. It’s my own damn fault considering that I never talked about my life in Riverdale with her.

  I sighed and opened my inbox to see an email from my editor and good friend. I clicked to open it and braced myself.

  From: Trey Jordan

  To: Nolan Bell

  Nolan,

  Get your head back in the game! Bro, what’s going on? I know you have a busy writing schedule and I’m sure you feel the pressure, but it’s nothing new for you. I know you have a lot going on these days and I’m sure it’s hard to be back home, but keep in mind that you have work to do. You’ve signed a contract. The boss is already on my back and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to buy some time for you before they start harassing you themselves.

  If you need to talk about anything, you know I’m only a phone call away.