"You're not going to drop it, are you?" At my smile he sighed. "He doesn't have a girlfriend and doesn't want one. He's just...going out with a girl tonight and...hm... Fuck, how can I tell this to you?"
"I'm not that dumb, I can understand."
"It's not that, Little B." He tugged on his lip ring before he cleared his throat. "Sometimes guys want just one thing with girls they don't really care about, but find attractive." At my lack of reaction and my frown, he blushed. "He's just taking her out to have sex with her afterward."
My mouth opened in a perfect O, but no sound left it. How a girl could let a guy use her that way? Mike was so...despicable. I tilted my head on one side and kept my eyes on Big No who was now gazing at the pen in his hand as if it was the most interesting thing, as if that crappy pen was a rare thing.
"Do you do that too?"
His cheeks blushed some more and I had my answer. I didn't like that, hated even that side of him. It was not like we ever talked about his private life, but I thought him to be more considerate. My mistake.
"I'm a guy, Little B, and I'm eighteen. You'll see, I guess."
"And Mike does this often? I mean, girls must know now that he's not really into them."
He focused on me and narrowed his eyes. "Tell me you don't have a crush on him."
Startled, I drew back on his bed. My back hit the bedpost and I cringed when the wood bit into my spine. "What? No! Of course not. Are you insane?"
He kept his eyes trained on me, all suspicious and it made me want to crawl under the covers and hide. "You ask many questions about him and when he's here you look at him a lot."
"It's because he's always around these days. And I'm not going to ignore him. He's your friend after all."
"I hope you’re telling me the truth because he's too old for you and not a good guy. Keep any ideas about him out of your head."
"Are you listening to what I'm saying? I don't care about Mike!" I stood up on shaky legs and put on my sneakers, not lacing them—it would take too long. I needed out, needed some fresh air. It was always about the age. It was driving me nuts.
"Hey, where are you going?" he called after me when I opened his window.
"Home. I hate it when you're so patronizing as if you know everything." I brought a leg on the other side of the window and looked back at him one last time. "And I think that Mike is an idiot with as much charm as a stray cat. Maybe you should be the one to open your eyes and see you're worth more than any of this."
I jumped down the other side and went back in my room where the TV was on but on mute. It was perfect to help me see enough when I came back after dark. I grabbed my curtains to shut them, but Nolan was at his window. He waved at me and despite my annoyance and disappointment, I waved back. I couldn't stay mad at him, but for once, I felt as if I had the upper hand. He might be six years older, but he wasn't always the mature guy he wanted to believe he was.
BROOKLYN
"How do you feel?" I asked using my most soothing voice. I had to hide my fear and concern at seeing her in her hospital bed, so tiny and thin in her gown. She wasn't hooked to the oxygen anymore, a nurse told me they’d taken her off that morning. But the IV was still in her arm and I avoided looking at it. If there was one thing I hated, it was needles.
"Tired, but better. I'm sorry I brought you into this," she apologized with a sad smile. She pushed away the tube on her arm and sat straighter in her bed. "They told me that you stayed until Nolan arrived last night."
I took the chair next to the bed and put my handbag next to my feet. "I hope you don't mind that I left, but you were asleep and he was with his girlfriend. We don't like each other all that much."
"It's not surprising when you're after the same man," she said with a tiny chuckle that shook her whole body. I was afraid she'd break or have another episode like the previous night.
"That and she's a serious bitch," I said without thinking. "Oh gosh, I'm sorry."
She waved as if saying it was nothing, but I had to be more careful. Mrs. Bell knew how I felt about her son so it was alright, but I couldn't let my bitter side take over in public, not if I wanted to keep some credit when Nolan was concerned. My one-sided feelings were humiliating enough, no need for everybody to know the extent of it all. At least, Nolan felt something for me, but it was merely desire and desire was mechanical, easy to start and as easy to close off.
"I have yet to meet her. The nurse told me that Nolan was in my room last night, but I was asleep and he didn't come back today. Apparently he called twice to ask news about me. I guess it's a first step."
"He's distraught." I crossed my legs and enjoyed the A/C refreshing the white stark room. "He stopped by my place after he left the hospital and he's quite lost. Maybe he won't be back before you're discharged, but he'll come and see you."
"There's a chance that I won't go back home."
"What do you mean? They told me that you were better."
"I am, honey, but I'm getting too weak. My oncologist wants me to go to a facility not far from here—half an hour away maybe—it’s for hospice."
"It must be expensive."
"It is, but I put aside some money from my father. He left it to me when he died and while I wasted most of it on drugs, I should have enough to pay for the short time I have left."
I shivered, chilled to my bones. She was talking about her death almost as if she was talking about a grocery list. Was it some kind of twisted denial? "I know it's very forward but..."
"How long do I have left?" she completed for me. I nodded and she squared her bony shoulders, holding on to her dignity and it was painful to see. “A few weeks at best. My results came back this morning and they're not good so probably less than that."
"Aren't you afraid?’’ I whispered, almost too tongue-tied to speak the words out-loud.
"What's frightening is the unknown, but it's not as if we can escape it. I'm more afraid of what is going to happen with my son."
"It's ridiculous, but I don't know what to say to you. Platitudes feel so useless."
"You're here and it means a lot to me. You hated me for what I did to Nolan and yet you've got a heart big enough to give me a chance. It asks for something not many people have in them."
I smiled and felt both happy and very sad. It was bittersweet and unsettling, but above all, I was relieved to feel like the girl I used to be and not the jaded version I was starting to become. It was calming, relaxing.
"Nolan used to tell me that I had the sweetest heart to be able to remain so caring and sweet when my home was all bitter and angry."
“He was right. So how are you holding up now that his girlfriend is here?"
I puckered my lips and shrugged. "Not all that well. My politeness has its limits and she's one of them." I look at the time on my cell phone. It was almost five. I had to leave if I wanted to be on time for my night shift at the bar.
"Do you have plans?"
"I'm sorry, but I have to go to work. I work at six and I still have to go to my apartment and change clothes. I should have come earlier, but I slept late and then I had to go grocery shopping and I went to change my mailing address at the post office. I ran around all day."
"Don't worry, honey. Go to work. I don't want you to get in any trouble because of me."
I stood up and grabbed her hand. She was always cold. "I'll stop by tomorrow morning. It might be a little late. I finish my shift at an insane hour."
"You don't have to."
"I know, but I want to. If Nolan comes..." I bit on my lower lip. "Just tell him to call me if he needs to talk."
She nodded and didn't ask for any explanations although she must have been curious. I squeezed her hand one last time and walked out, taking a deep breath in the lobby of the hospital. I didn't pay any attention to the people around me, instead I focused on the exit ahead of me.
As soon as the outside air hit me with its warmth, I breathed better. I took my phone and quickly wrote a text.
> Come & see your mom. She's very weak & doesn’t have much time left. You need answers & she has them. She's not the same anymore but she’s your mother. You're stronger than this. I believe in you & always will.
I hit send and car keys in hand, climbed into my beat up car ready to go home to change before heading to work. I’d done my bit, meddling in stuff that really had nothing to do with me, but maybe, just maybe things would work out before it lead to further regret.
* * *
NOLAN
I read Brooklyn’s text again and finally turned off my phone. For once, I’d written a lot today. I needed to get away from everything and writing that damn book was the least of the two evil. But it took a text to derail me again.
“Are you finished?’’ Lena asked me as she closed the lid on her laptop, her eyes narrowed on me.
I nodded and turned off my laptop. I rubbed my aching temples and stood up from the bed, stretching my back and legs. I racked my brain to come up with something to break the tension between us, but I came up with nothing. There were too many things left unsaid.
“Yesterday, you barely muttered a word, and today, you’re not even talking. It’s getting annoying, Nolan.’’
“Then why are you still here, Lena?’’ I whirled around and faced her still sitting on her side of the bed. Her eyes widened and the hurt I saw in them didn’t calm me down. Something really had to give. “You could have gone back to Manhattan to wait for me.’’
She pushed her laptop off her knees and stood up. She’s a petite girl and yet she pinned me with her angry glare at the foot of the bed. I was lashing out at her when I was the one being an asshole. I couldn’t even kiss her, but I’d gone behind her back and kissed someone who should have been off-limits.
“Is that what you want? I’m sure your precious Brooklyn would be delighted if I wasn’t around.’’
“Lena…’’ I sighed and looked away, ashamed with myself. I had never been in such a position. “Don’t you see?’’
“See what?’’
I took a deep breath and forced myself to look back at her. I owed her that much. “It’s not her, it’s me.’’ I nibbled on my piercing. My heart squeezed in my chest. It was hard to be the bad guy, to hurt someone else. Lena was a great woman, but probably not for me. Our relationship had been going downhill for a while and we’d both ignored it. “I am the one going after her. I need to see her and…’’
“Shut up, Nolan.’’
“You need to know.’’
She shook her head and crossed her small arms over her chest. “I really don’t want to know. We were supposed to move in together next month. We even talked about marriage!’’
Her voice didn’t crack, didn’t waver. She seemed upset, but not overly emotional. Maybe she saw this coming, maybe Brooklyn was right and Lena wasn’t as attached to me as she should have been. But it was hard all the same. I had never had a relationship lasting that long and it was difficult to let go. It wasn’t even on an emotional level, but regarding all the memories we had accumulated over the months. It was scary too, because then Lena wouldn’t be an obstacle for Brooklyn and me.
“I know, I’m sorry.’’
“I don’t care if you’re sorry. What does she have that I don’t, uh? She’s going nowhere, Nolan.’’
“I can’t explain it. Do you think it’s easy for me to tell you this? Honestly, Lena—‘’
“Spare me.’’ She held up a hand and started to gather her clothes, throwing them into her suitcase. Her movements were harsh, fast and messy, but I didn’t try and stop her. I didn’t say another word.
I stared at her, unblinking and unsure of how I was feeling. I was ashamed of how poorly I treated Lena these last few days, I was relieved that it was over and I was scared and elated of what it meant for Brooklyn and I. But still, I didn’t know if it was a good idea to go to her. I would be going back to Manhattan soon and I would probably see Lena again. I didn’t know where I would stand with Brooklyn then.
“Aren’t you going to stop me?’’
I glanced up and saw Lena at the door, her suitcase in her left hand, her purse in her right hand.
“Is that what you want?’'
“Yes, Nolan. I’ve put a lot into our relationship and we had plans.’’
I swallowed thickly. “I can’t, Lena. I…I can’t be that guy for you.’’
Her jaw visibly tightened and she turned around, leaving the hotel room stiffly and closing the door loudly after her. I sat back on the bed and finally took a deep, liberating breath. My shoulders felt significantly lighter although my life was still in a mess. But at least one thing seemed to go in the right direction; I finally let go of Lena.
I glanced at my phone to see the time and decided to head for the hospital. I’d called twice earlier in the day to get updates on my mother, but Brooklyn was right. I needed answers from my mother and I didn’t have much time to get them anymore.
I grabbed my keys and left, this time not feeling guilty for not inviting Lena along, for not talking to her, for needed away from her. I had been an asshole and I despised myself for my behavior toward her, but also toward Brooklyn, but at least I finally did something.
* * *
NOLAN
I had a few minutes before the visiting hours ended, but I was frozen in front of the closed door. I knew she was in this room, looking weak in her hospital bed, probably waiting for me. All of this made me physically ill. My stomach rolled, my heart beat painfully in my constricted chest and my muscles ached from being so tense.
But I had to knock and walk in. I had to talk to her. It wasn’t even for her, it was for me. I needed to really put my ugly past to rest and stop pretending that it already was.
I clenched my fists and finally found the strength to knock.
“Come in,’’ she called from inside, her voice weaker than when I had visited her the other day with Brooklyn.
I hesitated, my hand above the door knob, but I finally opened the door. My mother was under the paper thin hospital sheets, engulfed in an ugly grey sweater. Her face had more color than when I had seen her asleep last night, but she still looked ill.
“Nolan?’’ The shock in her voice hit me hard. Of course she wasn’t expecting me. So much had changed and the divide between us was so wide that I didn’t know what I should say.
I walked in and closed the door, my eyes now fixed on the ugly sweater she was wearing. “I don’t know what to say.’’ I hesitantly reached the bed.
She cleared her throat and went to put a hand on mine, but I pulled back just before she could touch me. I wasn’t ready for any sign of affection coming from her. She did too much.
“I…’’ Her voice cracked, but she cleared her throat again. “I’m glad you’re here. I know you don’t want to see me and I understand.’’
“Then why do you insist on seeing me? Even Brooklyn keeps on telling me to visit you.’’
She smiled sadly and toyed with the bed sheet. “She knows that you need this. You’re lucky to have her, Nolan. She doesn’t hesitate in putting your happiness before her own and her feelings for you are so real and deep, it’s not something she gives to many.’’
I clenched my jaw and glared at her. “Don’t think of playing that game.’’
“What game? I don’t—‘’
“You don’t know jack about Brooklyn and I. You don’t know jack about my life today, and not much more about my life when I was still here in Riverdale. You were too fucking high!’’
“You’re right, but I have eyes and I’m clean now. I saw the way you two interacted with each other when you visited me at my apartment and I talked with Brooklyn about you. I’m dying, Nolan, but I’m not blind.’’
“Stop.’’
“I don’t want you to have regrets. About Brooklyn and… and about me.’’
I swallowed past the growing lump in my throat and blinked hard to push away the prickling tears in my eyes. “I will never understand why
you loved your drugs more than your own son. I can’t see how you could make this right.’’ I stood up and turned around, ready to break down.
“Nolan!’’ she called out my name, but I didn’t stop. I opened the door and ran away as I let the first tears fall. I needed to get away from prying eyes, away from her. I ran to the staircase, by-passing the crowded elevator. I needed to get away before I let out the agonizing scream building in my guts. Seeing her didn’t change anything.
* * *
BROOKLYN
I was so tired that I almost felt drunk as I climbed up the steps that led to my apartment. All my muscles were screaming in agony. My eyes had a hard time staying open. It was a miracle that I had been able to drive home without a scratch. But at two in the morning, thankfully there were very few cars on the roads.
Finally making it to my floor, my keys made a deafening sound in the quiet of the early morning and I cringed, afraid that my neighbors would hear it. After all, the walls weren't that thick.
"Are you drunk?"
I yelped and frantically tried to grab my pepper spray that was stuck in my shorts pocket.Fucking pocket! At this rate I could have been raped or killed...or both.
"Calm down!" the man admonished me, my tired mind finally catching up. I sagged against the wall, my hands limp along my body while my keys fell to the ground. My pepper spray never left my pocket.
"Are you insane, Nolan? It's past two in the morning!" I whispered between ragged breaths. Adrenaline was now pumping hard through me and my tiredness was relegated to the background. I grabbed my keys at my feet and walked up to him. He was leaning against my door, casual and yet, the tension in his shoulders told another story. Just like the red in his eyes. He didn’t look too great.
"I called the bar and they told me you finished around two."
Six Years Page 17
