I shook my head and opened the door. I stepped inside and lit the two lamps on each side of my small couch. The yellowish glow made me squint, but I said nothing. If he was here it meant that he needed to talk and I wouldn't be so cold as to push him away.
I watched him walk in and sit on the couch. His steps were heavy, his shoulders tense and his eyes rimmed with red. “Are you okay?"
"I saw her," he answered with a flat voice that put me on high alert. He kept his eyes on his hands, hands that were gripping his strong thighs with a desperation that softened me some more.
I quickly rounded the couch and sat next to him. If we weren't screwing everything up with our weird behavior, I'd have him in a fierce hug by now. Instead, I put a hand on his forearm, trying to give him some of my strength. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"There's not much to say." He sighed and released his grip on his thighs. He leaned back on the couch and locked his eyes with mine. Every time he looked into my eyes, my breath caught in my throat and I shivered. "But we talked about you."
I laughed shyly and pulled away. I couldn't touch him too long, not when my mind was assaulted by images I shouldn't even have in my head. A patchwork of the best pictures of my fantasies with Nolan as the male lead.
"I bet she's my best advocate," I said, trying to muster my best teasing tone, but it fell flat. I wanted to know about his girlfriend, what had he told her the other night. And if he wouldn't talk about this, I wanted to know how he felt after seeing his mother. By the look on his face, it shook him even more than he thought it would.
"She told me that I'm lucky to have someone in my life who's always been there for me, even after all these years apart. She told me that not many people can say that they have a friend that will put the other’s happiness before their own." His eyes never left mine and while I heard his words, I had a hard time processing them. "She also told me that I am a fool for staying with Lena when it’s obvious that I don't have a real connection with her, not like the one I have with you.’’
I cleared my throat. “Do you want to marry Lena?" I asked the question breathlessly. It kept me awake at night, my heart could be shattered for good depending his answer. I fisted my hands tightly.
He took a deep breath, frowning. “I thought I wanted to. Not anymore."
I released my breath and blinked to chase away tears of relief that were threatening to fall. "Does she know that?"
"She does now." He took a deep breath and tugged on his lip ring before he spoke again, leaving me in a mess of nerves. "Before I went to the hospital, I was at the hotel and I finally told her that it was over. She left."
"So...?"
"So..." he started before he grabbed my hand in his and entwined our fingers together. The warmth of his touch chased away the cold fear I was trapped in. "I don't know what to think about this thing between us. It's still hard for me to realize that you grew up and that you're the same woman I want so badly. I don't know where it's going or if it's going anywhere at all, but I need you in my life. I’d forgotten how you ground me, how you bring some peace in my life when everything else is a mess and I need that. I need you so much that I'd do anything to keep you in my life, however you want to be in my life."
The last time something like this happened, it was in one of my dreams. Never in a million years did I ever think he'd say something of that kind to me, but I had to face the reality. We kissed after all, we even came close to having sex together and it was the reality, a reality that scared me. When the one thing you want the most in your life was finally happening, you couldn’t help but feel the overpowering fear. He was the one person able to scar me, he already had in the past. And really, he would leave soon, go back to his life in New York while I would still be the waitress in the crappy joint in a crappy small town nobody heard of. I couldn't indulge in a simple fling because Nolan was anything but a fling. My heart was all in and once my body would be, I'd be lost in him. I couldn't do casual with him and casual was the only thing possible for us.
I pulled away and ignored the squeeze of my heart in my chest. I looked away from his hazel eyes I’d spent years yearning, the same eyes that had always been so soft and understanding to me, but were now showing me something else whenever they were trained on me; desire and lust.
"You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear something like this, but now..."
"You feel it too, Brooklyn. You have to feel this attraction between us."
"For you it's just attraction, but for me it's so much more. It's not just about sex and how much I want you to sleep with me, but it's about getting as close to you as possible, exposing myself fully and I'm not talking about just my body."
He leaned closer to me, trying to close the space between us and it made my heart flutter. It was undeniable, he was looking at me like a man did a woman, but now that I had this, I had a reality check. It was easy to dream and hope, but you couldn't forget real life and the obstacles. Moreover, I wasn't even sure what Nolan felt.
"Between us it can't be just sex," he said roughly, his voice deeper as is eyes darkened at our proximity. His breathing fanned my face and goosebumps appeared on my skin. I shivered but didn't try to hide it. "We've got a past and it's bound to make things more complicated."
I tilted my head and never looked away from his face, but it was damn hard not to focus solely on his lips, slightly parted. "How do you feel about me? I need to know and prepare myself."
"Prepare yourself for what?" he asked, leaning back slightly. His eyebrows arched as his lip ring disappeared in his mouth, that same mouth that I craved more and more.
"To have my heart broken."
With his free hand, he cupped my face, tilting it up just a notch. Our eyes locked once more, with more intensity. I knew he saw everything about me,everything, and it was both thrilling and frightening. I couldn't hide even if I wanted and the beauty of this was that I knew what he saw in me, whatever it was, wouldn't make him run. He always accepted me as I was, with my flaws and qualities.
"I won't break your heart because it would break mine," he whispered, his words caressing me. I closed my eyes and with my hand still in my lap, I put it to his chest, over his fast beating heart.
"That's when I remember you're a writer. Nobody talks like this," I said softly, teasing to break the huge moment and find some composure when all I wanted was to be in his arms to never crawl back out. I reopened my eyes when his thumb traced my jaw to stop just below my lower lip.
His eyes were burning into me, burning my lips in the most delicious way as my breathing got faster and faster. "I never talk like this either." His smile brightened his face, making me almost forget that his eyes were red from crying, that he was lost after seeing his mother and that in all this mess, dealing with the situation between us was the easier part of it all.
"Promise me you’ll be honest with me, even if you know it'll hurt me. I don't want to..."I sighed and pulled away. I needed just a little space between us. "I have feelings for you and I know you don't share them. I don't want you to make me believe that there's more on your part than there really is."
He stiffened and his face hardened. "I'm not that kind of player, Brooklyn. All of this is weird for me because I never thought I'd feel this attraction for you. I thought I'd feel like a big brother of some sort once I saw you again, but it's not how it is and it's complicated. And even if it doesn't mean a thing to you, there's this age difference bothering me. But all of this don't mean I don't feel something for you. You're the most important person in my life, even after six years."
A small smile stretched my lips. It was small and yet inside I was bursting with happiness, but I wanted to keep it locked inside to avoid letting it slip away from me. In my life, nothing was easy, nothing was beautiful so now that I had this, us, I wanted to cherish it inside me.
"So what are we doing now?" I asked, my fingers laced together on my lap. I wanted to grab him and kiss the hell out of him, but I knew that
now there was nothing to stop us going further and I wanted it to go further, but I didn't want to ruin things by going too fast. I had waited for so long that I wanted it to be as close to perfection as possible. Down the road, I didn't want to regret it.
He chuckled and bit on his lip ring, his eyes scanning my face very thoroughly. The air sizzled again and goosebumps appeared all over my sun kissed skin. "I guess the right thing to do would be to invite you out for a proper date. Dinner and a movie or something like that. What do you think?"
"A date with the famous Nolan Bell," I whispered softly. It felt surreal. For so long I thought I would never see him again and here I was, about to agree to go on a date with my all time crush. If it was a dream, I hoped to never wake up and stay in this blissful haze, so much better than my reality.
"No, Brooklyn, go on a date with me, Nolan. Just me," he said gruffly, his voice deep and raw. His hazel eyes on me, pierced me to my bones and deeper even. I shivered and let him grab my hand. He entwined our fingers and his warmth invaded me once again. "I don't want you to think about me as a writer."
"Why? It was your dream."
"Yes, but these last couple of years, people have started to hang out with me because of my connections, because of what they think is a glamorous life or some bullshit like that, when in reality I stay mostly locked away writing. I don't want that to taint this between us."
I squeezed his fingers between mine and smiled sadly. Even dreams had their downside and it made me sad to know that he suffered for his success. I bumped my shoulder into his. "I should confess something then."
"Something shameful? Scandalous?"
"Wipe that mischievous smile off your face, it's not what you think," I laughed, but quickly lost my smile. "I have yet to read your books. I never bought even one. It was too painful to see your dream come true and not be a part of it so I never got around to buying one of them."
His eyebrows shot up high on his wide forehead and he ran a hand through his wavy hair. "It's weird to think you were the only one rooting for me back then and yet you're one of the few people around town who have never read even one book."
"Are you mad?"
"Of course not. I'm just surprised, but I shouldn't be. It's understandable." He fell silent, his eyes lost focus. His lip ring was bobbing in and out of his mouth, the silver catching the weak light and I had a hard time looking away. "Whenever I write, I think about you. You should check out the dedications next time you go to a bookstore."
"You wrote something about me?" I asked, my heart doing a somersault in my chest. My breath caught for a second in my throat and my voice came out in a short burst.
"In all my books. You've always been my inspiration, one way or another."
The look he's giving me went straight to my heart and left a mark that would never fade. He was tattooed on my heart, in my bones, through my soul. He used to be tattooed in my memories, and now he went beyond that without even knowing how permanent it was for me. I leaned closer, breathing him in, trying to imprint inside me the smell of clean clothes, his lemony shampoo and his all male aftershave to never forget and always carry with me. I closed my eyes and let myself feel how close he was to me. His hand in mine was smooth, warm and meant more than the simple gesture it was for an outsider. It was searing us. I took in the proximity of his body, of his strong thigh almost touching mine.
"I'm going to kiss you, Brooklyn. You can't look so... Just let me kiss you."
I nodded without muttering a word as my throat closed up at the need I heard in his deep voice, a need as strong as mine, stoking mine even more. His lips came into contact with mine in a second, his lip ring brushing my lower lip with the perfect coaxing I needed to open my lips and let his tongue break in to dance with mine. It was intense, beautiful and so very hot that I thought I'd spontaneously combust.
He took my lower lip between his and suckled once before he bit it softly. I moaned breathlessly and deepened the kiss, pushing my breasts into his firm chest. I needed more contact, I needed to be closer, to feel him against me. He sneaked his hand in my hair and tugged on it to tilt my head up to better devour me. Hot damn! Shit!
I gripped his shoulders tightly as though I might fall. I was dizzy with lust and I didn't know what to do anymore. Should I break the kiss or let it unfold some more to the point where we'd be tearing each other's clothes off our heated body. But before I made a decision—either one really—Nolan broke the kiss and took a deep breath, his eyes dark with desire, lips red and swollen by our epically good kiss. Even his cheeks were slightly red under his five o'clock shadow.
"I have to go or I'm not going to stop this. Kissing you gives me ideas…’'
I bit on my lower lip and his eyes flickered there. His hand in my hair tightened and the other one on my hip played with the hem of my top. We were a breath away from slipping and I so wanted to.
"Maybe I wouldn't be so against these ideas," I whispered.
He shook his head and put some distance between us. He pulled his hands away from me and sighed painfully. "Don't say something like this. It's dangerous."
"Dangerous?" I laughed and crossed my arms over my chest, trying to compose myself and ignored all the tell-tale signs of how aroused I was.
"When I'm so turned on? Yeah, it's dangerous. All I want is to strip you to your underwear and then tear off your underwear with my teeth. That's what is on my mind right now."
"Why aren't you doing it?" I asked with a hushed voice, shaking with all the contradictions inside me. I wasn't a virgin and yet, I was so very afraid it wouldn't be good for him, that I wouldn't be good enough for him. I heard so many stories about his sex life from when he was a teenager around here...
"Because I swore to you that I wouldn't break your heart. I want to make things right and we have to go on a date before doing anything else. You deserve more than me acting on my desire just because I want you. It should be more, so it'll be more. I'll give you more than this."
He kissed me on the cheek and lingered a moment longer before he stood up and walked out. And I did something that brought an even bigger smile to my face. I checked out his ass.
I hate to think about Big No's departure. We still have a few months, but he's talking more and more about New York. He's happy even though his mother was back on heroin. He has hope because it's almost over. I should be glad for him, but I couldn’t help it; I hated this. I would never tell him, but it's getting harder.
I balled up the paper I was trying to finish for my English assignment and put my head in my hands. I needed some fresh air. I jumped to my feet and walked out, ignoring the silence of the house. My parents were still at work and I didn't like to be alone in this house. It was... I didn’t know, gloomy.
I grabbed my keys I left on the table in the kitchen and walked out, careful to lock the door after me. I took a deep breath, enjoying the light breeze and the smell of the air after it had rained all day yesterday.
"Are you all right, Little B?"
I turned toward the house next door and found Big No about to unlock the front door. He still had his backpack on.
"I'm fine. I'm just fed up of working on my homework."
He put his backpack down against the still locked door and jogged over with an amused smile. "Rebelling already?"
"I'm a pre-teen now," I replied playfully, but I also wanted him to see that I was growing up. Again. Same old, same old.
"I know," he said, his smile vanishing as he started to frown. "It's going to drive me nuts when you're going to go out with the guys at your school."
A small smile tugged at my lips and my heart swelled. "Why's that?"
"I'm a guy and I know how we think. We're all pervs when we hit puberty." He leaned against the wall next to me as he tried to hide his annoyance, but I knew him well enough to catch the anger in his voice.
"I'm sure girls are no better."
His eyes narrowed on my face and it made me giggle. "Not you."
"I'll
do whatever I want and you won't even be there to witness it so..."
"Are you trying to get me angry?"
"Is it working?" I asked looking at my shoes as my eyes got blurry. I didn't want to cry or fight with him, but in a twisted way, I was trying to gather proof that he still cared about me and would still do once he was in New York.
Without a word, he pulled me into him and hugged me tightly. He saw right through me. With my face in his firm chest, I let my tears fall. I circled his waist with my scrawny arms and held on. In the pit of my stomach, I knew it would change.
He kissed the top of my head. "I don't know how to prove to you how much I care about you. I'm not like your family, I'll never reject you."
I hoped he told the truth.
NOLAN
Chill the fuck out.
I kept on repeating these words to myself as I got ready for my date with Brooklyn. I couldn’t believe I was going on a date with her. I finished towel drying my hair and walked out of the bathroom, my hands twisting on my sides. You’d think I was a kid again.
I wanted it to be a good night for her, I wanted to show her that I was truly in. I had been inconsistent since I came back in her life and I needed to show her that it wasn’t who I was. She deserved to know I was not playing here, that I wanted more from her than only her body. For that, I needed to also tame the never-ending hard on I sported around her.
I groaned, quickly put on some clothes and grabbed my keys and phone, glancing nervously around my room to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. Damn, I was rusty. I didn’t even know what I should or shouldn’t do during our date. With Lena it’s sad to say, but I didn’t really go on a date with her. Not really. The last time I went on a proper date was when I was fourteen. After that, my interest had been only on getting laid. But Brooklyn was different.
I was out of my depth here and yet, even though I was a nervous wreck, I was thrilled. There wasn’t my relationship with Lena getting in the way anymore, I was just starting to see beyond our age gap and I could admit it without feeling disgusted with myself or ashamed. I wanted everything with Brooklyn; I wanted her friendship, that bond that was unbreakable, her body, her heart, her feelings andher. It was eating at me when I wasn’t with her and it was a rush when I had her in my arms. I had never felt something akin to this with someone else and I didn’t want to feel this with anyone else either.
Six Years Page 18
