“Trouble in paradise already?’’ he asked, but the smirk he was trying to conceal made an appearance and I chuckled, amused in spite of myself. The jerk was glad that it wasn't all flowers and rainbows between me and Nolan. Petty revenge, but it amused me in a way because it wasn’t coming from a bad place.
“You know, I think I’m not one made for a real relationship.’’
He shrugged and took a sip of his beer. His upper lip was moist from the liquid and he licked it. I looked away, somehow unsure if I should look at him and feel a modicum of attraction even if it was very mild compared to what I felt when I was with Nolan. But still, Mike was a gorgeous man who knew how to seduce. Even when he wasn’t exactly trying to. After all, it must be in his DNA as it was commonly known how his father enjoyed to fuck any women,but his wife.
“I don’t think that’s the issue. I heard that some people saw Big No drive away.’’
“He had to go back to New York for a few days. Told me he’d be back.’’
He emptied his glass and crossed his big arms over his chest. “You don’t believe him.’’
“The last time he left he waited six years before coming back.’’
He shook his head and sighed. “It was different. We all know how fucked up it was for him to live with his mother. And you two are starting something so I don’t think he wants to leave all that much. I know I wouldn’t want to…’’ he trailed off.
“We never talked like that when we were together.’’
“No, we fucked. You didn’t want to talk with me, you wanted me to numb you, make you forget everything.’’
I pursed my lips, unsure what to make from this. He depicted me in a way that made me feel ashamed, but it was the truth and I accepted it. If only Mike was truly the guy I thought he was I wouldn’t feel bad for hurting him.
“If it can make you feel any better, Nolan already managed to make me cry. You never did.’’
“I don’t want to see you sad and for you to cry. But if you cried, it means that you care about him. You didn’t care about me.’’
I frowned and grabbed one of his big hands, hands that you’d never guess were of a guy who never used them for manual work. He’s working behind a desk, but he had the body of a guy working outdoors. He made good use of the small and only gym in our town.
“You’re my friend, Mike. Of course I care about you, but it’s not exactly how you’d like it.’’
He took a deep breath and pulled away. He stood up, put some cash on the table and brought a hand to my shoulder. “Don’t worry. Nolan can’t stay away from you, not now that he has you. You’re the kind of woman a man could do anything for. He’ll be back.’’
I watched him walk away after he waved at the bartender, his swagger catching the attention of a couple of women.
I mulled over what Mike said through the rest of my shift, keeping a pensive look on my face and not the flirty smile I used to earn more tips from the patrons.
I glanced at the clock above the bar, almost completely hidden by the colorful bottles and sighed as I untied my apron, earning me a few whistles from guys a couple of years older than me. I waved at them, clocked out and didn’t waste any time to climb in my car and I drove away. I needed to talk with someone about Nolan, and even if that someone wasn’t the best person to enlighten me about him, I didn’t have anyone better at hand.
“I used to want to grow up, but not so much anymore,’’ I said after a while, breaking the silence in Big No’s car. Once again he picked me up at school, something he did more and more. I asked him why he didn’t like me biking back home and he told me that he didn’t want me to be alone when something could happen to me and he didn’t like the idea of me hanging out at school after the day when it was obvious some boys were looking too closely at me. It was ridiculous because not one boy even asked me out or tried to kiss me. Nothing.
He stopped at a red light and turned down the radio, turning to face me. His hair was slightly longer now, but I knew he’d cut them soon. He told me once it’s because he hated to smell the smoke of his mother’s cigarettes—when it was only cigarettes that she was smoking.
“What happened?’’
“Nothing particular.’’
The light turned green. He revved the engine of his beat up car and drove away toward our street, always very careful when I was in the car. “Little B.’’ His stern voice made me cringe. I hated it when he used that big brother voice.
“It sucks, that’s all.’’ I shrugged and kicked my backpack at my feet. “When you grow up things are not fun anymore. You have all these responsibilities and you lose touch with people.’’
“First of all, don’t use words like suck. I feel like I’m the one who taught you all the bad words.’’ I rolled my eyes and opened my window after I released my hair from the ponytail I hurriedly did this morning. “And second of all, being an adult is great too. It’s not because you have responsibilities that you can’t have fun and that you forget everything from your past. It’s different, that’s all.’’
“Tell that to our parents.’’
He parked in the curb in front of his house and gazed at our houses without even a fence to separate our yards. “Are you going to tell me what happened?’’
I grabbed my backpack, but I didn’t try to leave the car. “My parents were supposed to meet my counselor at school. They called to cancel and I was left alone with my counselor who spent an hour asking me questions about my parents and my dead sister. As if I missed her when I was born after she died! Do you think it’s normal that my parents didn’t even tell me they wouldn’t make it and that I’d discover it while waiting alone next to a guy who’s known to be a bully and who tried to make fun of me because I’m short and don’t have nice clothes or boobs?’’ I huffed and climbed out of the car. I shouldered my bag on my scrawny shoulder and walked to my empty house.
Big No ran to me and hugged me from behind for a full minute. He kissed the top of my head and released me. I turned around to look at him, blinking to dissipate the tears ready to fall. I hated my family.
“One day it’ll get better and no matter what, you and I both won’t be like our parents. We won’t make the same mistakes.’’
“We don’t know that. You’re the older one, you should be the one to tell me that life is unexpected.’’
“I think for such a young girl you don’t have enough naïveté and hope. You need someone to fill you with dreams and some naïve conceptions about life. We all need a small dose of these.’’
I gazed around and my eyes landed on a guy three doors down buying some pot to a tall and thin man very well known around here to be a drug dealer and a mean one at that. In the distance, a few dogs were barking loudly while a baby cried his lungs out and a couple was yelling on their door steps. I looked back at Big No and I didn’t have to voice my thoughts. It was hard to dream when you’re around here.
BROOKLYN
“How are you feeling today?’’ I asked Mrs. Bell, my voice calm. I hid my worries at seeing her so pale and feeble. It had only been a few days and yet I could see how much weaker she looked. It was quite strange to see someone fading away not slowly, but fast.
Her chapped lips formed a pain-filled smile. “I’ve known better, but it’s not exactly a surprise. I’m happy to see you, Brooklyn.’’
I pushed the chair closer to her bed and sat down with my handbag on my knees. I put my keys in the bag and gave her my full attention. “I wanted to stop by yesterday, but I missed the visiting hours.’’
She waved me off and sat straighter. She furrowed her eyebrows and it seemed like it was from pain. The IV mustn’t be that efficient if she was in such pain when sitting. She coughed before she took a deep, even breath.
“You don’t have to visit me, it’s not something you should feel forced to do, honey.’’
“I don’t mind and to be honest, I wanted to talk about Nolan. I know it’s complicated between the two of you, but I
need to talk about him with someone and I know nobody from his life in New York.’’
She put a thin hand over mine. The contrast between my sun-kissed skin and her pale one was unavoidable, but what got my attention was the difference between mine that looked lively and big compared to hers. Her bones were so visible. Her skin seemed stretched over them.
“I’m always willing to talk about my son, although I can’t say I know him all that well. I’ve missed so much, and I’m not talking only about the past six years. I’ve missed out on so much more than that.’’
I glanced at the monitor keeping track of her heartbeat and other stuff I didn’t know a thing about. The beeping was regular and it brought comfort.
“He left for New York City this morning.’’
“He left?’’ She coughed several times. I stood up and poured water into a plastic glass. I brought it to her and she took it in her shaky hand, sipping slowly between fits of coughing. It was painful to hear.
“Just for a few days. He had to go back to sign some papers because his first book is going to be made into a movie.’’ I said the last part with a smile, unable to not feel proud of him.
“Really?’’ She shook her head and brought a hand to her heart with a fond smile on her gaunt face. “How come I have such a successful son? I sure never pushed him in the right direction.’’
I sat back in the chair. “I remember that he told me that you had read him stories in his early childhood. I’m pretty sure his love of books and stories comes from you. You’ve had a great impact on his life and not all of it is negative.’’
“And you’re only eighteen. Brooklyn, you sound like an older person. You sound even older than my son.’’
I smiled and chuckled. “It’s easy when it’s about something that doesn’t concern me. As soon as I have to face my future or my love life or say my relationship with my parents, I’m every bit an eighteen year old girl.’’
She sipped some more water and put the glass on the bedside table. “It’s always easier to talk about other’s lives.’’ She crossed her arms over her chest after she adjusted her scarf that was about to fall from her head. “Are you upset that he left?’’
“We had our first date last night so…’’
She nodded, thoughtful. “Did you enjoy this date?’’ My only answer was to blush and she chuckled quietly, coughing some more. “I think I have my answer.’’
“I can’t believe I’m talking about this with his mother.’’ I shook my head and smiled ruefully.
“Oh, honey, don’t worry.’’
I nodded and leaned closer to the bed, curious as ever. “What did he tell you when he visited you the other day? You must have said something shocking because he did a 180. I mean, I never thought he’d ask me on a date.’’
“I just helped him realize what he would be missing and how regrets can be growing demons that would just eat at him. And it’s obvious he didn’t care about that other woman. The way he was with you when you stopped at my apartment? It’s a wonder how long he resisted you, honey. There’s something rare between you, something most of us never find, but only dream about.’’
My heart warmed at her description of Nolan and me. But my fears of losing him again were right there, close by, making me hurt inside. The last time Nolan left, I was a wreck and it took me a long time to find a semblance of balance. Now, with what happened between us, I couldn’t fathom what state I’d be. “I hope so. I don’t want to be hurt again. But I don’t know how it can work with him in New York and me here.’’
“Don’t think about the next step. Live in the present and enjoy it.’’
She yawned and her eyelids started to drop. I squeezed her hand. “I’ll let you rest. I’ll be back soon, Mrs. Bell.’’
“You’re a sweetheart.’’ And she fell asleep, her mouth half-open and her breathing louder than normal. I looked at her one last time and walked away and out of the hospital. I wasn’t closer to finding any peace, but at least it soothed my concern.
* * *
NOLAN
I parked in the underground parking lot of my building and turned off the engine. When silence enveloped me, I sighed and felt the tension in my shoulders leave me. I grabbed my phone and checked the time. It was late already. The day passed in a blur of meetings, ass kissing from my agent, some bigwig from my publishers and an exhausting discussion regarding the contract for the movie. I didn’t even get five minutes to take a piss without some assistant chasing me down and bringing me back to the conference room.
I locked the car and headed to the elevator, ready to finally call Brooklyn. I rubbed my temple and cursed at myself. I hadn’t even sent her a text. I let myself be swept up in this whirlwind and here I was…
The elevator finally opened and I looked up, ready to walk in, but stopped in my tracks. What were the odds?
“Nolan? You’re back already.’’ Lena pursed her lips, her eyes averting to my left. I frowned and rubbed my temple again, this time feeling the headache taking root.
“Hm…I’m here for a few days. I have meetings.’’
She nodded and that’s when I saw the box in her arms. From the top I could see a few items I knew were hers.
“I stopped by to take the last of my things. I…I left the key in your mailbox.’’
“Yeah, okay.’’ I cringed at myself. I hated that awkwardness and I hated that feeling creeping back in. I wasn’t proud of myself and how I had handled the situation with Lena and Brooklyn. I also didn’t like to see Lena so…well, the word that came to mind was weird.
She tightened her grip on the box, turning her knuckles white. “That’s all?’’ She glared at me then and I wanted one thing: escape. But she was still blocking the elevator. And honestly, I deserved every bit of her anger. “I can’t believe you let trash like that girl ruin everything we’ve been trying to build. What are you going to do when she opens her legs for someone else?’’
I gritted my teeth, clenched my fists and counted to five before opening my mouth. Lena could yell at me, curse me, treat me like dirt, but she had no right to say a thing about Brooklyn. My blood still boiling, I forced my jaw to relax. “She’s not the one to blame. I kept on going back to her. I…’’ I sighed and shook my head. “Don’t blame her.’’
“How can’t I blame her?’’ She scoffed. “We would be living together by now if it wasn’t for her. I wouldn’t…’’ She shook her head again and walked around me, not looking my way anymore. “Never mind.’’
“What are you talking about?’’ She kept on walking. “Lena?’’
She stopped and barely glanced over her shoulder. “Nothing. There’s nothing going on.’’
I watched her walk away and back to her little car, quickly depositing her box in the trunk. My frown deepened as I kept my eyes on her car as she drove away and out of the parking lot. I had spent months with Lena and I knew her pretty well. Something wasn’t right there. A bad feeling took residence in my stomach, but I decided to ignore it. For now.
First, I needed to hear Brooklyn’s voice. I had missed her all day. I quickly walked in to the elevator just before the door closed and pushed the button to my floor. I pushed away any thought of Lena and instead conjured up the memories from last night with Brooklyn. It didn’t take long for my exhausted ass to be aroused. Only she had such an effect on me.
* * *
BROOKLYN
I snuggled on my couch with a tall glass of iced tea ready for a lonely night watching some TV series. I could have gone to a party some girl I had gone to high school with was hosting, but I didn’t want to go for once. It’s not like I was interested in hooking up with some random guy or if I needed to escape my parents’ house. I had my own place now where I could relax.
As the first episode of Sons of Anarchy began, my cell phone signaled a text received. My heart started beating wildly. I’d had no news from Nolan since he had left this morning. Not even a text to tell me he had arrived safely in Ne
w York. I was more disappointed than mad, more sad than nervous. I was like every other women out there waiting for a call on the day after and Nolan was on his way to fail this “test’’. And fast.
I grabbed my cell phone and gulped some iced tea to cool off. Pointless, but it delayed the outcome some.
I’m back home. What are you doing? I want to hear your voice.
I swooned and re-read the text with a bright smile. Suddenly, my shoulders didn’t feel as heavy, the lump in my throat disappeared and my stomach was doing summersaults.
Call me now.
I hit send and not even a full minute later, my phone rang and I could see Nolan’s name on the screen. Like a love sick school girl I giggled and took a deep breath to compose myself before bringing the phone to my ear.
“You’re really bossy.’’ He sounded tired, but I could imagine him with a soft smile on his enticing lips. Damn, I already missed his lips.
“You didn’t call or text the whole day. What did you expect?’’ I answered with a fake cold voice. Inside, I was laughing.
The only thing I could hear on the phone was his breathing until he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I was stuck in traffic when I arrived so I went directly to my agent’s office and then I didn’t notice the time. It was one intense day.’’
“I was just kidding. I bet it was intense.’’
“Yeah…’’
I frowned and turned down the volume of the TV. Something felt off in his voice though. At first I thought it was because he was tired, but I wasn’t so sure anymore. My worries came back and I tightened my grip on my phone. “Did something go wrong?’’
He took a deep breath and released it slowly, painfully slow. “I saw my ex and she was really weird.’’
“How come you saw her?’’
“Don’t be mad, Brooklyn.’’
“I’m not mad, Nolan. I’m trying to understand what happened for you to see her when you were supposed to spend the afternoon with your agent. As far as I know, she doesn’t work for your agent, but for your publisher.’’
Six Years Page 23
