“What’s going on?’’
I shrugged and turned away to hide a tear that fell. “I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have gone.’’
“It’s not a fucking excuse, Little B. Explain now.’’
He parked in front of his house and turned toward me. I sighed and mimicked him. “I prefer our movie night, but I thought I should try something else.’’
He cupped my cheek and smiled, the tension easing off. His hand was careful on me and very friendly, but it made my stomach do that weird thing it always did whenever Big No was close to me.
“I hated it when you decided to cancel our movie night and even more when you told me not to drive you there. I felt useless and not a part of your life.’’ He pulled away his hand from my face. “I was even kind of jealous of your dad.’’
“What?’’
He shook his head, a bright smile tugging at his lips. “I know, fucking nuts. We’re so messed up and co-dependent.’’
I wasn’t sure what he meant by co-dependent, but we sure weren’t acting normal. Fortunately, I wasn’t looking for normalcy. I was looking for something unique and Big No was unique to me.
NOLAN
“I can’t believe that in a matter of days you’ve ditched Lena and started up with another woman. Are you sowing your wild oats?’’
“Trey.’’
He laughed his booming laugh, his head thrown back. I found myself fixed on his faux mohawk now dyed in purple. The man was an eccentricity, a strange addition to the publishing company. He was in his late twenties, had more tats and piercings than anyone I’d ever known and he was into books. Any and all kind of books. Once, he had told me he enjoyed reading romance novels from time to time.
“What?’’ he asked once he calmed down.
“She’s different. I’ve told you about her.’’
His smile vanished and he nodded, his blue eyes assessing me more closely. “I know she’s always been on your mind, but I didn’t realize you were that serious.’’
I shrugged and ran a hand over the scruff on my cheeks. Trey and I became really good friends over the years, but we never went out of our ways to talk meaningful shit. I had never asked him why he wouldn’t settle down or why I would never see him with a woman and in turn he would never ask me anything regarding my love life. He had always been mindful of my hang ups, waiting for me to talk about my past, my mother and Brooklyn, then Little B for me.
“I can’t even begin to explain what it’s like when I’m with her.’’
His eyebrows arched upward, the silver loop in his right eyebrow moving. “Do you know what you’re going to do? I mean, you can write anywhere.’’
“I won’t go back to Riverdale for good. There are too many memories. I can’t… ugh.’’
“I hear you.’’ He sighed and touched the side of his head, almost shaven to his skull. “But what about her?’’
“I won’t abandon her. Not again. I just can’t, man.’’
“Listen, I don’t know her and I don’t know much about your life over there, but tread carefully. If you care about this girl, if she’s been in love with you for so long, you could break her. Don’t mess up.’’
I frowned and stood up, ready to drive back to Riverdale, back to Brooklyn. These last few days had been crazy and good, but she wasn’t there with me. I had felt her missing every damn second of every day. I scratched my chest, right over my heart squeezing in my chest.
“She’s the most important person in my life, Trey. She always has been.’’
But I didn’t say that I wouldn’t hurt her because I couldn’t know. I didn’t know what our future held and anything could go wrong. That was life.
He stood up and nodded at me, a smirk stretching his lips. “I’ve never seen you so…I don’t know, happy and relaxed. The sex must be good, uh?’’
I punched his shoulder and turned around before he could see the smile on my face. Warmth invaded my face and I knew I was blushing. It was crazy, but Brooklyn kept making me blush like a virgin.
“Okay, I get it.’’ He laughed again, and bumped my shoulder playfully before walking out with a wave over his shoulder. “Call me when you come back and send me those last fifty pages next week.’’
“Yeah, yeah,’’ I muttered under my breath and grabbed my suitcase and keys, ready to leave and go back to my woman. I couldn’t wait to feel her mouth on mine, to taste her. I needed my Brooklyn fix.
I didn’t know what or how we’d make our relationship work, but I wouldn’t let her go. I had her and I couldn’t be without her. She was my motivation, my dream. Really, I was starting to realize she was my everything. Suddenly, as I was climbing in my car to go back to Riverdale, it didn’t seem so scary. It was thrilling.
* * *
BROOKLYN
I was restless, pacing around my apartment, listening carefully to each and every sound coming from the parking lot. I was being a real girl, desperate to see her boyfriend after three days of separation. I should find myself quite pathetic, but I was too far gone at this point to care. I wanted to see Nolan again and he should be here at any moment now.
Then, the sound of a car parking followed by a car door closing broke the relative silence. I perked up and walked—or more accurately ran—to the window and peered down outside. Here he was. Tall, hot and perfect with his fancy jeans riding low on his narrow waist, his French labeled black t-shirt hugging his lean but ever present muscles and he had aviator glasses on. Even his messy hair was attractive and I knew for a fact that he never thought twice about it.
I wanted to run down the stairs and jump into his arms to mold myself to him, but I resisted. No need to show how far into him I was. It would be frightening for anybody. Us together was still a fragile thing and the slightest wind could make it crumble. I was a tempest on my best days so it wasn’t easy to be just a soft breeze as not to ruffle him or spook him.
I jumped on my couch as soon as I saw him on my floor, swaggering toward my door. My heartbeat was fast giving away how excited I was. Soon enough, knocks at my door made me smile. I stood up slowly so as not to be at the door too fast and opened it, not able to force down my smile.
“Hey,’’ he said with a cheeky smile. The light blush on his shaved cheeks was so adorable. He put a hand in his pocket and rocked on his heels.
“Hey,’’ I replied softly, my voice barely above a whisper. I was still in the doorway, frozen.
We were looking at each other, smiling yet not touching. It was strange after everything to feel kind of shy with each other. I’d never been the shy type and it was a foreign feeling, unsettling really. After a couple more seconds at looking at each other with a silly grin tugging at our lips, I let him in.
He chuckled and grabbed me by the waist, pulling me into him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and took a deep breath. For the first time in the last three days I felt like I could take a real deep breath, filling my lungs with real air, the kind that made you feel ready to float away.
“I’m going to sound super cheesy, but I missed you.’’ He squeezed me tighter against him and I tingled all over and this time, it had nothing to do with lust. I was simply happy. It was that simple. Happiness was a new emotion for me. I often thought that I had some tid-bits of happiness in my life here and there, but at this moment I felt different. Delight was deep inside me, pouring out of my veins and seeking every cells of my body, not forgetting one.
“You’re such a softie,’’ I replied in a laugh, but I hugged him tighter. I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet.
“You’re addictive.’’ He kissed my temple and pulled away to look at my face, his smile still there, his lip ring proud and his eyes very alert and bright, going to and from mine and my mouth slightly parted. “What is it about you?’’ he asked in a whisper, wonder clear for me to see.
“It has more to do with your need to take care of someone. You’ve always wanted to take care of me.’’
He frowned and cupped my
cheek in one of his hands while he kept his other hand firmly wrapped around my waist. “If that was the only thing on my mind, I would have never slept with you, Brooklyn. If I really wanted to take care of you, protect you? I’d never be so close to you right now.’’
With his arm around me and his hands on me, I was distracted. He was overwhelming me, overwhelming my senses and that made it difficult to stay focused on his words, on the things he implied without saying them.
“Don’t play the wounded guy card with me, Nolan. I know your past and you know mine. So what is it?’’
He leaned closer to me, his lips right in front of mine, brushing them so lightly that I had a hard time knowing if it was real or if it was my brain playing tricks to me. But when he let his lip ring run along my plump lower lip, I knew that he was teasing me, playing with my frustration.
“It’s so rare to not find someone broken. It’s no excuse and I sure won’t be the one telling you that I’m dangerous for you.’’
“So what?’’ I asked, careful to apply just a little more pressure on his mouth and licking my lips for good measure.
His eyes darkened as his body stiffened. Desire was sizzling between us, making the air buzz and my body coil, ready to pounce on him if he decided to not make the first move. I didn’t care about his words, about this talk. I wasn’t looking for any explanation of why we shouldn’t be together. I was too aware of most of them and yet I couldn’t control what I wanted, who I needed. It had never been in my power not to be attracted and fascinated by this man.
“When you look at me, you really see me, right into my soul.’’ He kissed me quickly, not deepening it. “When you touch me, you let me see how much you truly want me and it’s so. Fucking. Hot. You’re not playing, you’re not hiding, you’re just you and so much more than what I expected to ever find in somebody.’’
I couldn’t blink even if I wanted to. I tightened my grip on him, balling his shirt in my fists. “Are you trying to tell me something?’’ My heart was in my throat and I was overheating and it had nothing to do with the summer heat.
“Just that I missed you, more than I should have after only three days away. When I think that I’m lusting over the girl I used to see as a little sister, I can’t help but being unsettled sometimes,’’ he said in a chuckle, pulling away and putting some distance between us as the light of desire burning in his eyes died.
I forced a smile, but I didn’t want to smile. An ache in my chest made me wince, but I hid it. Of course I hid it. I would never show the weakness of caring for someone who was seeing that thing as only some banal lust. It was not just lust. Maybe he wasn’t in love with me and would never be, but at least I knew it was more than bland lust. I was also fed up of his need to talk about how he used to see me as unattainable. All. The. Fucking. Time. Why? Why did he need to protect himself that way?
“Silly, isn’t it?’’ I bit back, unable to keep it under lock. My bitchiness was about to make an appearance and it could get ugly real fast.
“You’re trying to pick a fight and I’m not biting it.’’ He broke all contact with me, taking two steps father away from me and as if to send me a message, closer to the door.
I narrowed my eyes on him, but willed myself to not make things worse. Fighting over his feelings for me was useless. “Forget it, Nolan.’’ I sighed and went to sit on the couch, drained. After my excitement and nervousness at seeing him, the desire and happiness he awakened in me, that anger and pain were too much.
The couch dipped next to me and I looked up, meeting his intense gaze. He was biting on his lip ring, making it run along his teeth for a few seconds. “I don’t want to hurt you.’’
“I know.’’
“But I did.’’ He brushed a few locks away from my face. Then, as my neck was bared to him, his breathing caressed my skin. “I’m sorry.’’
I shrugged and lowered my eyes to look at the small space between us. Why couldn’t we go beyond everything and just enjoy our time together while we could? It was a given that this story had an end and it wouldn’t be a happy ever after, but it was a happy for now. The now should come before my fears, my hurt or his issues with our past. On paper it was easy, but living it, feeling things made things different.
“You don’t even know why you’re apologizing.’’
He grabbed my chin softly between two fingers and brought my head up and toward him. “Don’t think I’m an emotionless idiot. I know it bothers you when I talk about our age or our past. I didn’t want to downplay our relationship today.’’
“Every time you put some distance between us. I thought you’d stop now that we had sex. I mean, it’s done, Nolan. You know me in the most intimate way possible and yet you’re trying to slow things down and I’m not following you.’’ I laughed bitterly, but not once looking away from his eyes. “I hate to feel so insecure. It’s not me.’’
“If I tell you that I put some distance when…’’ He shook his head and this time he was the one looking down between us. He clenched his hands into fists and the muscles in his arms bulged under his tee-shirt.
“When what?’’ I punched his shoulder slightly. “Nolan?’’
“When my fucking heart hurts, Brooklyn.’’ He looked up and his frown was so pronounced that it darkened his eyes, so much that they looked almost black. “You make my heart hurt when I want you, when I want to keep you to myself alone, when I want to hug you and never let go, when I want more than just a great night of sex. My heart hurts for you and I don’t know what it fucking means.’’
I sucked on my breath, something he was the only one in my life able to do so and I leaned into him, slowly until I was so close that I could see the small dots of gold and green in his hazel eyes. I closed my eyes and kissed him. No hesitation, only sheer emotion. He might not face what it meant, but deep down I knew.
I nibbled on his lower lip and immediately, he granted access to my tongue. He caged my head in his hands and took control of the kiss with a groan as my sigh morphed into a whimper when his tongue started to mingle with mine, drawing sinful patterns that made me shiver. Just as we were about to break the kiss, I tugged on his lip ring with my teeth.
“It drives me nuts when you do that.’’
“And it drives me crazy to look at your piercing. We’re even,’’ I croaked close to his face.
“Are we good?’’
I nodded and smiled at him before I leaned into him again and soon, his hands began to wander on my body, driving away the last traces of the anger and uncertainty I felt. He could hang over his fears all he wanted, try to not fully open up to me, but he still felt something for me, something damn well close to love. He had my heart and his was half-way to being mine.
* * *
BROOKLYN
“Tell me again why I let you convince me to see my mother again?’’ he asked as he parked his posh SUV in the parking lot of the hospital.
“I think the second round of sex on my couch made you quite pliable.’’ I laughed at his mock glare and I jumped out of his car, feeling light and carefree. A weight had lifted from my shoulders after we talked earlier today.
He followed me into the hospital quite grumpily, but he didn’t try to back out. I smiled and waved at one of the nurses I always saw when I came visiting Mrs. Bell. She waved back at me and her eyes lingered longer on Nolan with an interested spark. I schooled my face to keep my irritation from showing. Nolan was an attractive man, he held himself with assurance, he was obviously not poor and he had a piercing. It went without saying that he attracted attention. And that nurse was a cute little thing. I glanced at Nolan, but he wasn’t paying any attention to the nurse. I had his full attention. His smirk made me blush when I thought back to the last time he smirked at me that way; we had less clothes on at the time.
“What?’’ I asked as I called the elevator. I had a hard time not smiling silly, but it wasn’t my fault if I felt like a schoolgirl talking to her first crush. I was on cloud nine
and still surfing on the after sex glow.
“You were jealous just then.’’ He said in my ear, his breath fanning my exposed neck. He put a hand on the small of my back when the elevator’s door opened. I walked in on wobbly legs and pressed the third button. More people got into the elevator and pushed us to the back, Nolan’s side pressed against me.
“You saw that?’’
“It’s wrong, but I think it’s hot.’’ His voice was very low for only me to hear.
I snaked an arm around his waist and hooked two fingers in his belt made with real leather and not the cheap kind. I inhaled in his woodsy aftershave smell and dropped my head on his shoulder. “I’m not the jealous type usually.’’
He wrapped me in both arms, caging me against his body as if he didn’t want to let me go, as if he needed to feel me as close as possible. Against him that way, I felt like it was a possessive move, to show to the others, even people we’d never seen in our life, that I was taken. I loved this. I snuggled closer to him and I felt his chest rise and fall in a contented sigh. The elevator doors finally closed.
“Maybe it’s because you never had a good person in your life to make you feel jealousy.’’
“It doesn’t bother you? I thought guys hated jealous girls. Isn’t it the first step toward being too clingy?’’
He kissed the top of my head and squeezed me tighter to him. “Not when it’s you.’’
The elevator arrived at the third floor and we snaked through the people along with a middle-aged woman in tow leaving the packed elevator. As soon as we hit the hall of the third floor, I heaved a relieved sigh. I hated packed small places. It was summer and although the hospital was careful not to be too overheated, it didn’t mean that it was that cool either. I ran a hand on the nape of my neck and cringed with disgust at the small coat of sweat there. Even with my hair in a high ponytail I was sweating.
Six Years Page 25
