We walked down the hall and stopped outside Mrs. Bell’s room. The door was cracked open and she was talking with a serious yet attractive looking doctor. The man was tall and slender with his white coat hiding most of his body. His sun-kissed skin looked healthy and his dark eyes conveyed an obvious intelligence that was almost intimidating when he glanced at us walking in the room. His straight nose and thin lips added to the seriousness of his expression.
“You must be Mrs. Bell’s son,’’ the doctor acknowledged Nolan with a nod before his eyes landed briefly on me. “I’m Dr. Irwing.’’
Nolan extended a hand and shook with the young doctor. I walked to Mrs. Bell and smiled at her before I glanced back to the doctor, dreading any more bad news.
“Nolan Bell. Any updates?’’ he asked without even once glancing at his mother.
I gritted my teeth and said nothing. If it was to make no attempt at being kind to her, I didn’t know why he agreed to come with me. He should know that it wasn’t what I had in mind. And watching Mrs. Bell’s eyes turning sad wasn’t something I enjoyed all that much.
“She hasn’t responded well to the treatment which means that she might have less time than we first thought. Her metabolism is weaker than it should be, but I’m sure that moving her to the hospice will be for the best. It’ll grant her more rest and peace, something I highly recommend.’’
Nolan nodded and thanked the doctor for his time and explanation. With another nod for us, he walked out, his white coat almost flying behind him. Nolan sighed and took the chair I left vacant for him while I sat on the bed, one of Mrs. Bell’s hands in mine.
“I’m happy to see you both,’’ she said with a croaked voice, her breathing raspy.
I felt Nolan tense, but he didn’t make a move. In fact, he wasn’t blinking either. His eyes were hard on his mother and his mouth was in a straight line.
“When are they moving you?’’ he said before I could indulge his mother with some small talk. I turned to him fully and glared, but he didn’t see me. Though, his hand crept to my thigh where he clasped it as if I was his life line. I put my free hand over his and traced soothing circles over his skin.
Mrs. Bell followed his move and glanced back at me with a small smile tilting her chapped lips upward. “Tomorrow. I’m glad because I can’t sleep a lot here. They’re always walking in to take my vitals and check my IV and they aren’t all that discreet when they do so.’’ She yawned and her eyes filled with tears. With the way she was looking at her son, I was pretty sure that it had nothing to do with the exhaustion and everything to do with Nolan. The establishment where she will be transferred is over an hour from here and nothing would say if Nolan would go visit her there. Even I wasn’t sure I would be able to with work and the cost of the gas and that was without talking about my beat up car that could quite possibly die at any moment.
I glanced to and from Nolan and Mrs. Bell, not sure what to say or do. I squeezed Nolan’s hand and he looked at me. He tried to hide the vulnerability his eyes held, but it was useless. I knew him too well, even all these years later. It made me think about that first time I saw his mother losing it at their house. He looked like a lost little boy, broken and with the world on his shoulders. This time around, unlike when he was younger and I was just a little girl, he was silently begging me. I didn’t have a solution, a miracle to propose. Nothing.
“I should let you two to talk.’’
“You’re not going anywhere. Stay.’’ Nolan’s words were biting, but I knew it was more from fear than anger. He was truly scared and for once, he drew strength from me. I nodded and forced a smile.
“Are you ready to talk about the past now?’’ Mrs. Bell asked slowly, as if afraid to set him off.
“Isn’t it what you did last week?’’ I was frowning, but I was at a loss. What had Nolan talked about with his mother if not about the past before he came to me?
“Nolan only talked about you. At least we were able to have a discussion and for once, I was able to give a good advice and from the look of things, he listened.’’
He chuckled and started to relax some. He pushed the chair closer to the bed and snaked an arm around my calves, his strong arm secured around me, anchored to me. I smiled too and put a hand on his cheek, unable to keep myself from showing such affection when we had a witness.
Mrs. Bell sighed and I glanced back at her, breaking eye contact with Nolan, whose eyes were turning a molten brown as that same attraction sizzling between us soared.
“You two are really cute together. I never had that.’’
Nolan straightened in the chair and released some of his tight grip on my legs. “And dad?’’
She shrugged and he pulled his hand away from mine. She messed a little with the tube of her IV, but I saw right through her. She was stalling. She cleared her throat and sat in her bed, readjusting her scarf around her head while doing so. “I loved your father, but there was always a breach between us and unfortunately I was the one trying to close it. The more I tried, the more he pulled away and used alcohol to numb himself. Then, I started to use drugs to numb myself and it went downhill pretty fast.’’
“I was just collateral damage, right?’’ he bit harshly, his shoulders tensed all over again as his fingers were tightly holding my legs and his free hand was closed into a tight fist, whitening his knuckles.
“You were the innocent one caught in the middle of our mess. I should have been stronger and left your dad instead of waiting for him to leave and then drown even more. I have no excuse. The only explanation is that I loved your dad and that I was a weak, selfish woman. I hurt the person I cared about the most and all of this for someone who didn’t deserve it.’’
“I don’t understand.’’ He shook his head, puzzlement in his eyes.
I bit my lip and gazed longingly at the door. It wasn’t my place to be witness to this. I should let them hash it out and move on, but Nolan wouldn’t let me. Instead, I kept quiet and let them deal with their past, all the while praying that it would bring some peace of mind to Nolan.
“Unhealthy relationships are hard to understand, Nolan.’’ She gazed into space as if remembering something bittersweet. “They only hurt people and leave them broken or hardened. I was left broken and a junkie. I always had abandonment issues and your dad leaving us…’’ she trailed off, turning away from us to hide the pain marring her gaunt face.
“He was a poor excuse of a husband and father. You should have seen it.’’
She nodded and brought a hand to her face. She was drying her tears and it tugged at my heart. “I should have. I told you, I have no excuse.’’
“He never loved you.’’
“Nolan!’’ I admonished him, punching his shoulder at his harshness. No need to push it more. She was already figuratively speaking on the ground.
“He’s right, Brooklyn.’’ She smiled at me a little strained before she locked eyes with her son again, a son who was very intense and showing only anger and resentment. “Your father never loved me as I wanted to believe he did. He was infatuated with me and settled down with me when in fact he never wanted to. I had my own issues and flaws and our relationship wasn’t strong enough. We had you too young and…’’
“Life got in the way,’’ I finished for her softly.
Nolan looked at me and the hardness in him started to disappear until only raw emotions were left and his eyes began to moisten. “Life.’’ He nodded and let a tear fall before he brushed it away quickly. He cleared his throat. “We all make mistakes.’’
“Mine aren’t… It’s not…’’ Mrs. Bell stuttered before she started to cough again. “You have no idea how sorry I am, Nolan. You’re my son, the little boy who used to try to comfort me, the teenager who took care of me. You did so much for me and I did nothing for you. If I had a second chance, I’d do everything differently. Everything.’’
“You can’t change the past. I don’t even know why I’m still so mad about that shit. It
’s been years.’’
“Our past defines us, Nolan. My parents died—your grand-parents—died when I was barely an adult. I felt abandoned, lonely and scared all the time. I started to hang out with the wrong crowd, drank and did drugs and then I met your father. I straightened myself out for him for a while and you know the rest. But their death changed me, just like what you went through because of me made you so hurt, so afraid to take the chance at being happy with Brooklyn. The past is important even if it shouldn’t lead our present life.’’
“Do you think this little chat is going to make everything better?’’
“No, but it’s a good start. You’re stronger than me and I know you have someone in your life able to shake you whenever you need it.’’ She smiled at me and then started to cough harder. “And I hope you’ll move on someday.’’ She coughed more and sighed heavily when she calmed some. It was painful to hear and witness. Her eyelids were heavy with exhaustion.
I stood up and smiled down at her as she laid down again. “I’ll try to visit you if my car doesn’t break on me.’’
“Don’t be silly. Save your money.’’
“I’ll spend my money however the hell I want!’’ I replied, mockingly aghast. She laughed softly, her thin shoulders shaking.
I moved away to give Nolan some room to say goodbye. He stood up and with bunched shoulders, walked to the bed. He was tall, but at that moment he didn’t look that impressive. He bent and sighed again, his eyes taking in his mother’s state, obviously dying. Slowly, he took her frail hand in his big one and kissed her knuckled.
“I can’t forget, but I can accept. I’m sorry that…’’ His voice caught and my heart lurched. “I want more time.’’
“Me too, Nolan, but it’s not for us. Don’t be like me, thinking that you’re alone. Not only are you living your dream, but you have a fabulous girl with you right here. And please, never doubt that I’ve always loved you, even at my lowest.’’
“Mom…’’
“You should go,’’ she said louder to me, her tears falling more freely now.
“I’ll see you at the hospice.’’ He stood up and turned around. As soon as his back was to his mother, he let the tears fall. He walked out and I followed him with a last wave to Mrs. Bell, unsure if I would ever see her again.
I closed the door behind me, followed Nolan down the hall and suddenly, he turned around and grabbed me. He hid his face in the crook of my neck and his legs started to buckle under him. I wrapped him in my arms tightly as he let it go. His tears were fat and fast falling, dampening my back and my tight black t-shirt. In every salty drop was the sum of all his pain he buried inside of him over the years, his fears and his love for his mother. Everything was coming out and at this moment, I was the only one there, the only one able to understand the depth of his emotions. I tightened my arms around him and kissed his temple, whispering soothing words in his ears while his sobs tore at me.
* * *
NOLAN
I couldn’t stop the tears, couldn’t feel anything other than the pain tearing me from the inside out. I didn’t feel Brooklyn’s arms around me, but I knew she was there, the only one holding me up. I wanted to scream, to yell, to destroy everything.
I had spent years resenting my mother, ignoring her and everything and anything related to her. I had pushed everything away, severed my roots, tried to reinvent myself and all the while, nothing was gone or forgotten. Nothing was better or easier.
My mother was a junkie, she hurt me, destroyed a huge part of my life but…
She was my mother. She was the only family I had and she was dying.
I choked on a sob and tightened my grip around Brooklyn. “I’m not ready to lose her. I’m not. I’m not.’’
“Shh… Nolan, you’ll be okay. I’m right here.’’
I kept my eyelids closed tightly and pushed my face deeper into her. I was shaking all over, finally breaking down after all this time. And fuck…It hurt.
“You don’t hate them?’’ Big No asked me for the second time. He was now looking at me as if I had a second head or something. He sat up on my bed and ran a hand in his freshly buzzed hair. “Not even a little?’’
I shrugged and shook my head. “They’re my parents.’’
“It’s not a reason. Little B, they’re not even taking care of you!’’
“You’re saying this because your mom is using again,’’ I said evenly, turning the volume of the TV higher, not really in the mood to spend our movie night talking about my parents or his mother. Yeah, we weren’t lucky with them, but at least we had them. Some people out there didn’t have even one person in their life. And I had Big No. It was enough for me even if I was mad and sad sometimes.
“Talk like a twelve year old, Little B. It’s creeping me out when you sound so adult.’’
I frowned at him and wrinkled my nose. “Does that mean that I should obsess over some lame TV show and talk about which guy smiled at me today at school instead?’’
He narrowed his eyes on me. “A guy smiled at you?’’
“Are you for real?’’ I chuckled and pushed at his shoulder, but he didn’t move even a little. “I’m just saying that I’m not just a random pre-teen.’’
We watched Indiana Jones for five more minutes before I felt him fidget and turn to me. “You really don’t hate them?’’
“You don’t hate your mom either.’’
“You hate her.’’ He deflected, his eyes narrowed on me.
I shook my head. “Not really. I don’t like what she does to you, but I don’t hate her. She wouldn’t do drugs if she wasn’t sad about something. It’s just the same with my parents. They’re hurting because of my sister. I can’t hate them for this, but I can not love them all that much.’’
“And you’re okay with that?’’
“Most days yes. Sometimes, not so much, but then I know that you’re here for me if I need to talk.’’
He put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. I let my head fall on his shoulder, just like I used to do. As usual, my heart beat faster.
“I hate her, Little B. I swear.’’
“No, you don’t.’’
“You can’t know that,’’ he said with a reluctant smile I could hear without looking.
“I see the way you take care of her, Big No. It’s not hate. You love your mom and it hurts more than it should. But don’t worry, it’s okay to hurt. I’m here for you too.’’
He sucked on his breath. “You are one amazing girl, Little B. I’m a lucky fucker.’’
“I’m the lucky one.’’
He shook his head and I felt it under my cheek, his shoulder moving slightly. “If you weren’t here, I don’t think I’d be able to wake up and leave my bed in the morning and even less dream.’’
I brought my small arm on his chest over his heart and kept quiet. My Big No needed me as much as I needed him right now. If only he didn’t need me because he was sad, it would be better. At least, I still had him.
BROOKLYN
“Do you feel any better?’’ I asked with a soft voice as we sat on his hotel bed, after he’d taken a long shower.
It was still early, the sun was bright outside, but we had decided on an early night and I had followed him to his hotel. In fact, we hadn’t talked about it. Nolan had driven here and I had followed, keeping my hand on him at all times, just to remind him he wasn’t alone in his pain.
“I’m sorry I broke down like that,’’ he said, running a small towel over his damp hair before he threw it away somewhere in the corner of the room and sat next to me with his back against the head of the bed. Without my asking, he pulled me to his side and wrapped an arm around me.
I sighed and nuzzled my face into his bare chest. He wore only low riding sweatpants. He was gorgeous despite his obvious sadness, but I wasn’t in the mood to pounce on him. His pain was too pronounced and I cared about him too much for that.
“Don’t be sorry. You kno
w what they say, it’s better to let it go and break down and not keep everything bottled up.’’ I kissed his chest without lingering and ran my fingers over his abs, tracing the lines and dips of his muscles as my mind wandered. “As weird as it sounds, I’m glad I was there when it happened.’’
“If it had been anyone else, I would have never cried. I know I can bare myself to you, Brooklyn and it has always been like that.’’
His voice rumbled in his chest under my ear and I wanted to crawl over him and never let go. I craved closeness, that unbreakable connection that was impossible to reach, but could be approached. I craved someone with whom I’d be sure who’d never leave me. My abandonment issues ran deep and yet I had never been abandoned by my parents—for that I’d need them to care about me in order to abandon me. And the person who had left me was Nolan but he was back.
“What do you mean?’’
He tilted my head up with his thumb under my chin and he traced my lips with his finger, applying just a little push on my lower lip to part them. His hazel eyes were locked on my mouth, unwavering. His eyelids became heavy, only at half-mast when his breathing brushed my face. Heat started to pool in my body and my hand on his abs tensed.
“I never played with you. What you saw was who I was, who I am and it never bothered you.’’
“Of course not!’’ I cupped his face and didn’t know if kissing him right now was the best idea when he seemed to want to talk. Sending the wrong message now would be bad. “You have nothing to hide from me.’’
He smiled, but it didn’t reach his sorrowful eyes. He caressed my jaw, my cheek, his eyes following his fingers. “What did I do for you to be so blind?’’
“You can’t be serious.’’ I watched his face not changing, still with the haunted mask. He truly believed that he wasn’t worth it. I shook my head slowly, almost imperceptibly as not to lose the contact of his palm now on my cheek as his fingers delved in my hair. “Nolan, you are the one who deserved so much more than me. You are a wonderful man with a good heart, someone strong enough and yet kind enough to pardon someone who had emotionally hurt you for years. How can you say that I’m blind where you’re concerned?’’
Six Years Page 26
