Impulse sa-5

by Moira Rogers

  “You do.” She turned to face him, pressing both hands to his chest. “I don’t push, either. But, you know, I was there. I mean, I don’t know if you remember that, but I was. And I’m a good listener.”

  She’d been there, seen him at his weakest, which should have made him more reluctant to speak. Instead, he sighed. “I fucked up, and Kat and Patrick paid the price. Ben paid it.”

  Sera watched him in silence for several moments, her fingers caressing absent circles on his T-shirt. Then she slipped one hand up to curl around the back of his neck, her skin soft and warm against his. “You paid it too. In pain and blood, and every day since. You’re still paying it.

  I can feel it.”

  “Maybe.” He had nightmares, sure, and a couple of scars. All the things Callum wanted to talk about. “I started working on my precognition. Trying something new.”

  “Like practicing it?”

  “Kind of.” She was still petting him, and he caught her hand. “See, what I figure is that if I’d had more lead time—if I’d seen…”

  Her eyes were gentle. “Maybe,” she whispered. “Don’t torture yourself with maybes forever.

  That almost put my dad in the mental hospital with my mom.”

  “I know that. All the bullshit about hindsight, it’s true. But what good is it, Sera?” He gripped her upper arms, careful not to hold her too tightly. “What good is seeing the future if you can’t change it in time? Not trying will drive you nuts too—I learned that from my mom.”

  She tilted her head. “What happened when you started practicing?”

  “It got better.” A bit at a time, a few extra seconds of sight here and there. “It’s all about the moment. I don’t have grand, sweeping visions of the future like Wesley Dade, but what I do see… It’s clear. And if I can make that happen when I want it to, when it’ll do some good?

  Fuck, Sera. Think of it.”

  Her sudden smile was sure, confident—and sweet. “You should have seen Kat as a teenager. If she can practice and make that crazy empathy of hers useful, you can do it with your precognition.”

  When she smiled at him like that, he needed to be better. Strong enough to deserve it.

  “Anyway, that’s how I’ve been dealing on my terms. May as well do something constructive, right?”

  “Can you see anything now?” Her smile had shifted, turned a little shy. “I mean, how do you try?”

  “I concentrate.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Sometimes it’s there and sometimes it isn’t.”

  “Is there anything there now?”

  Julio closed his eyes and focused on shutting out everything, from the sound of Sera’s breathing to the roar of the surf, the cool sea breeze and the give of the sand beneath his shoes.

  When everything was still, silent, he opened his mind and waited for something—anything—to fill the blankness.

  Nothing came, and he opened his eyes with a sigh. “Nope.”

  Sera rocked up on her toes, until her nose brushed his chin. “Good,” she murmured against his jaw. “I was making very illicit plans about what I’d like to do to you, and it’d suck if I could never surprise you.”

  That tiny touch made him hard, and he turned his mouth to her cheek and smiled. “No, you can definitely still do that.”

  “I’m glad.” Her teeth closed on his jaw in a teasing nip before she spun away. “Catch me.”

  He gave her a few seconds’ head start, just to make it fair, then took off after her. Sand flew under their feet, and he chased her almost to the water before she dodged sharply to the left, trying to duck past him as the night filled with her breathless, giddy laughter.

  He caught her with an arm around her waist and swung her up over his shoulder with a laugh.

  “Got you.”

  “Julio. ” Sand flew everywhere as she kicked her feet with another laugh. “I don’t know how you move so damn fast when you have to haul all these pretty muscles around with you.”

  He slapped her ass. “I’m used to the pretty muscles. What about you?”

  She squirmed with a choked noise. “What about what?”

  He caught the scent of her arousal and promptly forgot what he was saying. “Huh?”

  Sera laughed hoarsely. “I have no idea.”

  Putting her down meant letting her slide against his body on the way, and Julio bit back a groan. “Me neither.”

  As soon as her feet hit the sand, she hopped back a couple steps and leveled a finger at him. “Now you know better than to slap my ass.”

  “Uh-huh.” She’d mentioned it before. If a casual smack made her that hot, he couldn’t imagine what would happen if he got her naked across his lap.

  She was still watching him, shoulders tense, eyes wary—and more than a little hopeful.

  “Well, you’re not running away. That’s a good sign.”

  Maybe he’d misheard her, as caught up as he was in wondering if laying his hand across her ass would make her come. “Running away from what?”

  “The kinky submissive.” Her smile was tired. “I’m such a stereotype, you know. Or maybe I’m reinforcing stereotypes? I can never remember.”

  He groaned. “Surely you haven’t forgotten my key philosophy already.”

  Sera made a face at him. “I suck at pop quizzes.”

  “Then let me refresh your memory.” He took her hand and pressed a kiss to her palm. “Stop worrying about who you are and just be.”

  Her fingers twitched toward her palm. “We all have things we’re dumb about. But I’ll try.”

  “Do it for me?”

  “Okay.” A gust of wind caught the ends of her disheveled hair and teased them across her face. She ignored them as she closed her eyes and took a deep, steadying breath. “I can just be.”

  Nothing could have stopped him from leaning in to kiss the corner of her mouth. “I like who you are.”

  She smiled against his cheek. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were flirting with me.”

  “Because I am.” Light, easy. The kind of flirtation that came before first dates and flowers.

  Her breathing hitched. Silence fell around them, then was filled by the distant noise of cars and people, and the more immediate sound of the water breaking gently on the sand. Sera tilted her head, rubbed her cheek against his as she nuzzled her way to the crook of his neck, where she inhaled deeply.

  She kissed the side of his throat. “I’ve never tried the kind of flirting that ends with us going to our separate bedrooms at night.”

  “Do you want to?”

  “I wasn’t all that happy when we went to our own rooms last night.” It wasn’t much of a revelation, not when he’d been able to see her vague frustration and confusion. “But I don’t want this to end. I like hanging out with you. Talking to you.”

  He could tell her it wouldn’t, that sex didn’t mean they couldn’t still be friends, but those were just words. “We don’t have to fall into bed together at all. And even if we do…we don’t have to get hung up on labels. We are this and we aren’t that. What good is it?”

  “None, I guess, especially when we’re not even human.” She eased back enough to meet his eyes, and hers were deadly serious. “Thank you for this. I know you probably had to meet with all these alphas eventually, and that it’s partly about clearing me out of town until we know for sure that Josh isn’t going to show up, but I don’t think I’ve felt this free since I was about sixteen.”

  “See?” He tugged on a lock of her hair and put his hands in his pockets to avoid the temptation to touch her again. “We’ll turn you into a woman of leisure, just watch.”

  “No, thank you.” She turned and started back toward the spot where she’d left her shoes. “I had a couple years of leisure when I was married. I want to be a fun divorcée now.”

  “It fits if you’re going to be hanging out with me,” he pointed out. “Everyone thinks I’m a womanizing playboy.”

  Sera turned and walked backwards. �
��You’re a womanizer and I’m a slut. Sometimes I think people spend too much time worrying about how much sex everyone else is having.”

  “Only sometimes?” Wolves, especially, spent way too much time dwelling on it.

  She grinned. “The rest of the time they’re watching reality TV.”

  Julio groaned. “Fuck ’em all.”

  “I’d rather fuck you.” When she reached her sandals, she turned to slip them on, bending over just enough to make her shorts hug her ass. “Or watch CSI. You know I love a man in uniform.”

  She wanted him to watch her, so he stared at her ass and stared hard. “Too bad I’m not with the fire department anymore.”

  Sera half-straightened. “Give me a second. I’m picturing it.” A pause, and he could almost hear the teasing laughter. “Oh yeah, that’s doing it for me.”

  “The dress uniform or the turnout gear?”

  “Uniform, totally.” She glanced back at him. “Though the pants and suspenders have potential.”

  “Uh-huh.” He bumped her hip with his. “Get a move on, Sinclaire. I still have to win that pool game.”

  “In your dreams,” came her easy retort, but when she slipped her fingers into his hand, she held on tightly, like she didn’t want to let him go either.

  Sera clawed out of sleep when she hit the floor with a yelp. It was a hard landing, smashing her shoulder into the hardwood, and she couldn’t break her own fall because her limbs were trapped, tangled by the force that had chased her through her dreams, that had her heart pounding-She twisted and heard her own terrified whine, and disorientation made her queasy. Paws, not hands, and twisted up in the tank top and underwear she’d worn to bed. Claustrophobia closed in, panic that had her twisting hard enough to crash into the nightstand.

  Unfamiliar nightstand. None of the scents were right, nothing in this room was hers, and her body heaved with panting breaths as she squirmed and kicked her back legs free of the torn fabric. But the thin straps on the shirt twisted tighter, pulling across her throat as she became frantic, too afraid to find the spark of magic she needed to shift.

  She was trapped. Lost. Kidnapped and alone, and every twist of her body bound her tighter and tighter-“Shh.” A wolf in his human skin knelt beside her, his hands gentle but firm. “Calm down, sweetheart. Just a little, okay?”

  Wolf. Not a monster, and Sera dragged his scent into her lungs and shuddered as something beyond instinct rose up to meet the gentle power that wrapped around her when he touched her.

  She knew this wolf. In her heart, in that quiet place inside her. Julio. With the name came human memories, came sense, and Sera shuddered as the last of the nightmare slipped away.

  He stripped away the confining fabric. “That’s it. Easy, Sera.”

  Getting her paws under her became the next challenge, but her front right leg ached, a pain that seemed worse when she put weight on it. She hated the sad, pained whimper that slipped free, but she wasn’t too proud to huddle closer to Julio as she tried to find the power to shift.

  He picked her up and rose. “We’ll get you back to bed, and you can settle down.”

  It was disorienting, being carried as a coyote. Sera trembled with the effort not to move, not to let a moment of panic end with her claws raking across his bare chest. He set her on the bed, and some of her tension eased when he sat next to her. Closing her eyes, she curled around him and let the steely strength of an alpha shifter work its quiet magic on her nerves.

  She barely noticed when the change finally washed over her, a wave of magic that usually brought heat in its wake. Now her skin prickled. Melted. Reformed with her cheek pressed against the pillow and her aching right arm held protectively to her chest.

  Julio hummed and whispered her name. “Sera? Sweetheart?”

  Tears burned her eyes. Shame, humiliation. Frustration with herself for still being weak.

  Pathetic and needy, like a good little submissive who was scared of fake monsters in the dark.

  “I’m okay.”

  “Don’t,” he murmured. “With anyone else, okay, but not with me. Please.”

  Breathing around the lump in her throat hurt. The pressure kept building, a sharp pain in her chest that would only be relieved by tears or words. Her choice, and it was terrifying to swallow the tears and try words. They came slowly, halting at first, because she didn’t know how to start. “My mom used to make me hide. In the closet or under the bed. Under the bathroom sink, I think…”

  “Fuck.” He draped a sheet over her and gathered her in his arms. “Come here.”

  He was warm and strong, and he smelled like safety. “I don’t remember much of it because I was young. Something had happened—” The words got stuck in her throat, and she had to take a steadying breath. “Do you know why the cougars and coyotes hide?”

  His eyes were dark with sympathy. “I imagine because things get pretty fucking ugly when your species is dying out.”

  “I don’t even know if it’s their fault,” she whispered. “I mean, the human part of me says it’s terrible. You don’t stalk a mate and take them against their will. But we’re not like the wolves.

  None of us were born human and turned. We’re all trapped by instinct, and fighting it makes us crazier.”

  “I don’t think that’s true,” he argued. “I was born this way and I’m not trapped or crazy.”

  “The wolves aren’t dying out,” she countered. “It’s not just one bastard, Julio. A coyote raped my aunt when my mom was a kid, and my grandfather died challenging him over it. And my aunt had a daughter, and when she was seventeen, a coyote found her.” Her heart pounded.

  She was breathing too fast, and she couldn’t stop the words, like lancing the darkest festering place in her heart. “They all died. My cousin, and my aunt, trying to protect her. And my mother —my mother—”

  “Shh.” He tucked her face against his chest and rocked her gently. “I’m sorry, Sera. Sorry like hell.”

  It helped, if only because she’d never said the words out loud before. As hard as it was to give them voice, the oppressive silence had been worse. She’d lived for years in complicit understanding with her father, never bringing up the events that had torn their family apart.

  Never telling anyone else, because seeing horror in their eyes would make it real.

  Julio didn’t react with horror. He didn’t drown her in pity. He held her and rocked her until the tightness in her chest eased enough to let her continue. “My mother never forgave my father.

  He was off being a mercenary, and she thought he should have been at home, protecting his family. But it wouldn’t have helped. They lived in Missouri, not New Orleans. Even if he’d been with us, he wouldn’t have been able to save them.”

  “What about you?” he asked gently. “What do you think?”

  She laughed, part pain, part helplessness. “I don’t know. I think my parents tried really hard, even when life was shitty. My mom was losing her mind, and she knew it. She was scared of hurting me, so she brought me to Mahalia, and Mahalia found that place for her to be safe.”

  His fingers trailed through her hair. “Then it sounds like she did the best she could for you.

  That’s all anyone can ask, right?”

  It had taken Sera a lot more time to come to that same conclusion. “I’m not a kid who’s pissed at her parents. I grew up fast. I guess I was in a hurry to repeat their mistakes.”

  “Trapped by instinct,” he whispered. “That’s what you meant. Josh.”

  Wrapped in his arms, tucked against his chest, the last thing she wanted to talk about was Josh. But the words hung between them, and she had to find something to say. “Do you know why he hit me?”

  His hands tightened with a protectiveness that thrilled her, though he relaxed them immediately. “Why?”

  “I let everyone think it was because I tried to leave. Because I wanted to see my dad.” She caught his hand and tangled her fingers with his. “But it would have happene
d anyway, because he found my birth control. And that’s the only unforgivable thing a female coyote can do.”

  He sighed, heavy and harsh. “That bastard had no right to do that to you.”

  It almost made her smile. “I know. I may be a submissive, but I’m still my father’s daughter.

  And that’s why he hated me the most. He never had the power, because he had to keep me happy. One call to my ex-mercenary dad and his scary fucking friends, and I would have been a widow.”

  Julio touched her cheekbone, the one that had been bruised along with her eye when she’d run to New Orleans in the first place, and her heart stuttered, knowing he remembered so clearly. “Does your dad know yet? That Josh hurt you?”

  Sera winced. “It came up while Lily was helping me get divorced, but your sister convinced him that crippling himself to get revenge for a black eye was going to hurt me a lot more than letting it go. I’m pretty sure the only reason he didn’t pitch a fit when I moved in with Kat was that your brother was around all the time.”

  “Are you kidding? You’re one of Miguel’s favorite people.”

  “Yeah?” It made her smile as she turned to rub her cheek against Julio’s shoulder. “You’re dangerous, with your cuddling and your alpha power and your petting. I just unloaded on you.”

  Julio waved it away. “If you’re keeping score, I guess that makes us even.”

  The bare skin under her cheek should have felt sexual. But his grip was warmth and tenderness, as if he knew how to leash the burning awareness between them when she needed shapeshifter comfort more than a man’s touch.

  Only fair, she supposed, when she’d done the same to him. “Julio?”

  “Hmm?”

  She wanted to hold her breath. “Can I sleep with you tonight?”

  He only smiled. “Here, or in my room?”

  “Your room.” He’d only spent two nights there, but his scent would be everywhere. “But I need some clothes first.”

  He nodded as he rose. “I’ll wait. Take your time.”

  It didn’t take long to find underwear and an untangled top. She pulled on shorts too, plaid boxers that had been washed until the pattern faded, and they were soft and comfortable. Her next stop was the bathroom to splash water on her cheeks and try to twist her hair back into a braid.