The Great Drain Escape

by Chris Mould

  They were getting nowhere fast, until Button suddenly had one of his bright ideas.

  “Uncle Noggin, will you tell us your story about the gingerbread man?” he asked.

  “Now now, lad,” said Captain Crabsticks. “It’s not really the time for tall tales of cookies.”

  “Mmm. Cookies . . .” Lily murmured.

  “Ah yes, the gingerbread man,” began Uncle Noggin, licking his lips and ignoring the Captain. “Poor old chap. He was baked in the oven by an old lady and when she opened the oven door, he leapt out and ran for it. The old lady chased after him but he was so fast she couldn’t catch him. And neither could anybody else. On he went, running faster and faster . . .”

  “Then what?” asked Button, a bit impatiently.

  “Well, he came to a river eventually. He couldn’t swim, but a fox offered to carry him across.”

  “Thought so,” said Button, grinning. “How about we ask a rat to carry us? They are bound to know the way to get up to the pavement.”

  “Button, you really are a clever sort of chap,” the Captain said, clapping the cabin boy on the back.

  “Hang on,” Lily interrupted. “What about the end of the story?”

  “ You mean the bit where the sly old fox tossed the gingerbread man up into the air, then caught him in his mouth and ate him in one bite?” Noggin said.

  “Yes . . .” Lily said, going a bit pale. “That bit.”

  “Oh, rats aren’t really that sly,” insisted Uncle Noggin. “There’d be no funny business like that where rats are concerned.”

  “But how can you be sure?” Lily asked. “I don’t want to be tossed in the air, caught in a rat’s mouth, and eaten in one bite, thanks very much.”

  “Aha,” said Uncle Noggin, with a toothy grin, “then I think I may have a plan that you’ll like the sound of. It’s not just young Button who has the good ideas around here, y’know!”

  Uncle Noggin opened the top of his bag to reveal the sandwich that had got him into trouble in the first place.

  “We can use this as payment,” he announced proudly. “It’s a bit soggy, but it’s far tastier than any of us scurvy sailors! Now, we just need a rat to come along . . .”

  They didn’t have long to wait before the shape of a rat appeared below. Its furry back rose slightly above the water and its tail flickered behind like a rudder.

  Captain Crabsticks took out his sword and tapped it on the brick ledge, then called out to the rat, “I say, er, Mr. Rat, could we have your attention for a moment? I have a suggestion that may be of interest to you.”

  The rat took no notice. The Captain tapped his sword again.

  “Now listen here, old chap. We need to employ your services. We’re in a bit of a bind and could do with getting out of this insufferable drain. We’ll pay you of course, we’re an honorable bunch. There’s food in it for you. . . . Do you understand? Foooood.”

  The rat’s ears pricked up. He paddled over and came to a gentle stop alongside the brick ledge, like he was a row boat in a harbor. He waited, his back hunched and out of the water.

  The Captain instructed his crew to climb aboard. Button went first, clambering on to the slippery wet fur. The tale of the gingerbread man stuck in his mind. Uncle Noggin seemed pretty sure, but what if the rat was not to be trusted? What if he got hungry halfway across and decided to eat them, like the fox in the story did?

  Lily nudged Button, snapping him out of his worries. She settled down behind him, followed by Uncle Noggin. The Captain stood at the back, as if he were steering a ship.

  “Cast off !” he shouted, and the huge rodent began to paddle his way through the murky blackness.

  The closer they got to the middle, the more nervous Button felt. He squeezed his eyes shut and waited to be tossed in the air and swallowed whole.

  But the rat kept on paddling, and soon they were clambering off again on the other side.

  Uncle Noggin lifted the soggy sandwich out of his bag and dropped it into the rat’s open mouth.

  With one huge gulp it was gone and then so was the rat.

  “Safe sailing, old chap,” said the Captain, saluting as the rat disappeared with a small splash and a flick of his tail.

  “Now, crew, let’s climb up this tunnel and get back to dry land!”

  “Er . . . Cap’n, sir? You might want to look up,” said Button.

  Above their heads was a tunnel made of bricks, with little bits sticking out enough for the Pocket Pirates to climb on. Only problem was, the bricks were covered in slime. And the slime seemed to be moving!

  “What IS that?” said Lily, shuddering.

  Button bravely got closer to the pulsing blobs. He could see hairy legs and feelers and sharp pincers and prickly horns. He gulped. Cockroaches and centipedes and all manner of other insects! They were like enormous sea monsters to the little pirate.

  Uncle Noggin started to shake. His eyes bulged and his knees knocked.

  “Don’t worry. He’ll be fine,” the Captain said to Lily and Button, covering up Uncle Noggin’s ears as he explained. “Just a small incident with a cockroach in his younger days.”

  “Wonder what happened?” Lily whispered to Button.

  “Don’t know,” Button whispered back. “But now’s probably not the time to ask!”

  Uncle Noggin took great wheezing breaths and wiped his forehead with his handkerchief, steadying his nerves.

  “Ready to climb, old chap?” the Captain asked gently.

  “Just about,” Uncle Noggin replied. His knees had stopped knocking, but there was still a slight shake in his voice.

  The Pocket Pirates stood beneath the slimy bricks. Captain Crabsticks drew his darning-needle sword, held it out in front of him and began to move upward. One brick at a time, he climbed up and up, giving the prickly beasties a good prod with his sword as he went. With a squeal and a squelchy scuttle, each insect darted back into its hole.

  “Quick, crew! Follow me closely!” the Captain called down.

  Lily and Button grabbed the bricks and started to climb after Captain Crabsticks as fast as they could. It wouldn’t be long before the cockroaches would feel brave enough to come out of their holes again!

  Uncle Noggin came last, climbing with his eyes shut and hanging on for dear life to the tails of Button’s waistcoat.

  “Are we there yet?” the old pirate called out, hopefully.

  “Um, not quite yet, Uncle Noggin,” Lily replied. “You’re doing great. Keep going!”

  The drains were giving off a dreadful smell.

  “It smells even worse than the giant poo!” Button said, feeling a bit queasy.

  On and on they climbed, hoping that they’d breathe fresh air soon.

  Then Uncle Noggin gave a bloodcurdling screech. “ARGGGGGHHHHH! Get it off me! Helllllppppppp!”

  The Pocket Pirates all turned in horror to see a huge pair of snapping pincers and two bulging eyes coming out of the darkness right behind Uncle Noggin. It was the biggest insect any of them had ever seen before, and it was getting closer by the second.

  Uncle Noggin hurtled up the slippery bricks toward his crewmates, swatting away the beast’s hairy feelers as best he could. But the poor pirate wasn’t quick enough, and the mighty pincers snapped together on Uncle Noggin’s round bottom.

  “ARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!”

  “Uncle Noggin! Are you hurt?” Lily yelled to her crewmate.

  “No! I’m okay! But the scoundrel’s got hold of my best trousers!” Noggin yelled back. He continued to scramble up the brickwork, but there was a loud ripping sound as he left the seat of his trousers behind in the insect’s pincers.

  The little pirates found a ledge big enough for them all to fit on and pulled Uncle Noggin up to safety. They formed a huddle as the beast came closer. The Captain leaned out, jabbing his sword at the insect and trying to drive it back to its hole. But this one refused to scuttle away.

  Button grabbed one of the feelers and gave it a yank. Sharp pincers snap
ped together just above his head so he quickly let go. The crew were jabbing, yanking, and pulling at whatever they could but nothing was working. How were they going to get out of this drain without becoming a beetle’s breakfast?

  Then Button had another of his brilliant ideas.

  “Distract it, crewmates!” he yelled. And as the Captain rapped on the beastie’s solid shell, Lily grabbed one of its spiky feelers. Uncle Noggin danced around, waving his arms to take attention away from Button, while the young cabin boy shrugged off his backpack and pulled out a matchstick.

  “Oh, good thinking, Button!” Lily cried, looking over her shoulder at him. “Fire will definitely scare it off !”

  But when Button scraped the matchstick along the brick to strike it alight, nothing happened. The wall was soaking wet, and now the matchstick was soggy and useless.

  Button was about to throw it away in despair when Lily stopped him. “Hang on,” she shouted. “I’ve got an even better idea!”

  She let go of the insect’s feeler, grabbed the matchstick from Button’s hands and pushed him in front of her. Captain Crabsticks and Uncle Noggin gasped.

  “Well now, young Lily, I don’t think that’s quite—” the Captain began, but was cut off by a yelp from Button.

  “What? Your idea is to use ME as live bait?”

  “Shhhh, don’t move,” Lily hissed.

  The gaping jaws of the insect were now close enough to swallow Button’s nose. A bit of slimy goo dripped from one of its pincers and landed with a splat on Button’s shoe.

  “GARGGGHHHHHH, hurry up, Lily! Whatever it is you’re going to do, get on with it before I’m mincemeat!”

  In one quick movement, Lily shoved Button to the side and thrust herself forward, the matchstick clutched in her hands. The matchstick jammed in the insect’s hungry jaws, sending it into a snapping tizzy. It completely forgot about the Pocket Pirates.

  “Bravo, shipmates!” the Captain said. “Fine work.”

  “Thanks, Cap’n!” Lily said proudly.

  “You young ’uns saved my bacon!” Uncle Noggin cheered. “Although I’ve still got a nasty draft around my behind . . .”

  And as the beetle continued to work itself into a frenzy trying to get ahold of the piece of wood stuck in its jaws, the Pocket Pirates turned and scrambled away as fast as they possibly could.

  “Phew!” Button said, once they had got far enough away to stop for a breather. “That was a near miss.”

  “Another tale for Uncle Noggin to tell,” said Lily, giving Button a sly wink. “At least we know this one is definitely true!”

  The pirates were tired, soggy, and pretty stinky, but they continued to climb. They’d been stuck underground for ages and it was starting to feel like they would never reach the top.

  Everyone’s tummies were rumbling loudly.

  “I’d do anything for fish and fries right about now,” Uncle Noggin grumbled.

  “Me too,” Lily agreed. “Or hot chocolate. With marshmallows on top.”

  The Captain joined in. “I’d like some cheese and biscuits. Or perhaps a nice slice of ham.”

  “Please stop talking about food!” Button begged. “My tummy is rumbling loudly enough already!”

  They climbed on, trying to think of anything else but food, until to everyone’s delight, daylight could be seen above their heads. It was still far away, like a tiny pinprick in the darkness, but it meant that they were getting nearer to the pavement!

  “One final push, crew. Heave-ho! Heave-ho!” the Captain said cheerily.

  When the weary little pirates reached the top, they helped each other through the open grate.

  They squinted in the bright sunlight and wrung out their soggy clothes the best they could.

  “Ahem,” said the Captain, clearing his throat. “Now that we are back on dry land, there’s something I would like to say. . . . Young Button, you must remember that you are a mere cabin boy. You are NOT a hero. We are always in danger when we are inside the shop, let alone outside. And we’re still not home. Who knows what perils we might encounter before we even reach the shop. We are still in terrible danger—”

  “But—”

  “No interrupting, Button, this is important,” the Captain continued. “We could meet something out here at ANY moment that would put an end to us all.”

  “But there’s a—”

  “I must say, this is most unlike you, Button. You must listen while your captain is talking, old chap. You need to know where the dangers are. Out here, there’s trouble for a Pocket Pirate at every corner.”

  “But there’s a—”

  “Are you listening to a single word I—?”

  “There’s a CAT!” Button yelled. “Behind you!”

  The Captain whipped around to see a huge, hairy ginger cat heading their way, licking his lips at the sight of his next meal.

  “RUN, crew! Chop-chop!” Captain Crabsticks ordered.

  The little pirates hurried over the bumpy pavement as fast as their legs could carry them, the huge fur ball following. However fast they ran, the cat easily followed, taking his time as he padded along menacingly behind.

  They took a sharp turn down a side street, hoping to shake off the alley cat. But it was a dead end. They were trapped.

  The cat rounded the corner into the side street and came toward them, its sharp teeth bared and a hungry look on its face.

  This time, there would be no escape.

  “I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to use this again today,” Captain Crabsticks sighed, drawing his sword for the second time.

  Button looked inside his bag. The matchstick was gone, and all he had left was a safety pin. It wasn’t much use, but he put it up in the air anyway, pretending it was a weapon. He hoped that Lily had another brilliant plan up her sleeve, because he had truly run out of ideas. . . .

  The cat was now close enough for its whiskers to tickle the little pirates. Button gulped. Its teeth looked very sharp indeed. It could probably swallow them all whole in a second.

  “Lily! If you’ve got a plan, now might be a good time to share it!” Button yelped.

  “Sorry Button, I’m all out of plans,” Lily said, her fists raised in front of her.

  But then the cat stopped in its tracks. It took a sniff. And another. Its nose wrinkled up and its mouth dropped open, then it turned and ran away, rounding the corner and leaving the Pocket Pirates alone in the side street.

  “Ha! We must smell really bad.” Uncle Noggin laughed.

  “Thank goodness for all that stinky drain water,” said Button as he shakily lowered his safety pin.

  “Maybe we should have a bath in drain water every day,” Lily added. “It might help us get rid of Doyle!”

  A chorus of rumbling bellies started up, as if in agreement.

  “Now, can we please find something to eat?” Button begged.

  “Very well,” said the Captain. “But we don’t have long—it’ll be dark before we know it, and we must be safely back in the junk shop before then. Hungry or not.”

  If there was one good thing about being outside on the street, it was the fact that there were a lot more opportunities to find food.

  “ You just have to look for the signs,” said Uncle Noggin, who was now giving the others an expert lesson in searching for snacks. “Firstly, a paper bag on the ground will, more often than not, contain some sort of delicious morsel. Take the pastry crumb as an example. A pastry crumb is the perfect Pocket Pirate–size treat—easy to carry around, tasty and filling. It’s quite often topped with some kind of sauce, or, if you’re lucky, a bit of meat. OR, if you’re really lucky, maybe even some cheese!”

  Lily and Button looked at each other, wide-eyed. Cheese was every pirate’s favorite food. They’d once been on a dangerous expedition to the freezing cold place called Fridge, just to get some cheese. They were both daydreaming about that golden lump of cheesy treasure as Uncle Noggin continued with his lesson.

  “Back alleys and
trash cans are a must. It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet for us Pocket Pirates. But where there is treasure there is also danger. Such places attract the most devilish of scurvy street lurkers. Cats and rats, and c-co-cockro . . . um, insects.”

  Button knew that poor Uncle Noggin couldn’t even bring himself to say the word “cockroach.” He wondered again what had happened to Uncle Noggin to make him so scared.

  “I happen to know that Mr. Tooey keeps his trash can at the back of the shop,” Captain Crabsticks announced. “I say we head there without further delay!”

  So, after checking for any lurking cats or beetles—or other dangers—the Pocket Pirates ducked out of the side street and headed for the cobbled walkway that ran around the back of the old junk shop.

  All they could think of was food.

  The pirates waited until shoppers had passed by and the way was clear of heavy boots and spike-heeled shoes. They couldn’t let themselves be seen by the big people, and they didn’t want to get squished either.

  They clambered over the cobblestones, which was no easy task. Finally they found a hiding place under a large wheeled bin. From there they could peer out for things to eat, without becoming a meal themselves.

  “To work, crew!” said Captain Crabsticks. “Let’s fill our faces and stuff our empty tummies, then we must collect what we can to take back to the shelf. I shall stand guard over you all, if someone wouldn’t mind just bringing me something to eat now and again.”

  Button headed straight for an empty drinks can. He poked his head inside and took a huge slurp of something that was bubbly and fizzy. It tasted delicious, especially after all the horrible drain water he’d swallowed that day. He let out a huge BURRRRRRRRPP.