Molesworth

by Geoffrey Willans

  On the other hand he may sa Lo molesworth do 200 lines. It is quite a good wheeze but probably would not work.

  You could try being let down into the class dressed as an angel.

  5. GEOGRAPHY

  END OF TERM GEOG PAPER WITH ANSWERS

  Students should write neatly marking name and form in the right hand corner. Avoid the ushual blotches like atomic xplosions. If you write a note to the next boy do not tear it off your paper. Any boy will pass who slip examiner half a crown.

  (40 minits.)

  Q. What would you find at Hull?

  A. Noone but a fool would ask this question. You might find anything at Hull. It might be a razor blade or an ear trumpet or a pair of bag-pipes it just depends wot is lying around. In any case you could find the same things in Ipswich. Be more precise in future.

  Q. What is a watershed?

  A. A toolshed is where you keep tools a wood shed is where you keep wood…a watershed is where you keep water. Don’t waste my time.

  Q. Are the Andes?

  A. I ask you! Are the Andes? wot a question. Wot does it mean clot? Do you mean were the Andes? Of course they were. They didn’t pop up overnite you kno. Nor will they pop off agane but i wish you would.

  Q. in Africa?

  A. i am waiting. the lunatick bin is second turning on the right. they will be waiting for you. In africa indeed! n.b. if the words ‘in Africa’ belong to ‘Are the Andes’ i neither kno nor care.

  Q. Where would you expect to find india ruber?

  A. You never kno with a bungy it might be at the bottom of the inkwell or it might hav been cut into little bits for pellets. It might be all mixed up with tooffe penknife string stamps skoolboys diary french coins etc in one of my pockets. If it is any use to you fothington-tomas hav a beatiful pink bungy in that hole in his pencil box.

  Q. From what tree do you get quinine?

  A. You don’t get quinine from a tree you ass. You get it from matron on fridays. You wouldn’t call matron a tree. An old stick perhaps ha-ha-ha-ha that is a good one. Next question.

  Q. What are the positions occupied by the sun when it is most remote from the equator and how many are there in a year and on what dates? Does the sun appear to remain stationary on reaching these points? Is the sun vertical over the earth’s surface N. of the tropic of Cancer or South of the tropic of Capricorn? What is an ecliptic?

  A. A man who sufers from eclipsy.

  Q. What is manioc?

  A. Now you’re asking. But who else would hav asked all these stupid q’s eh?

  HOW TO AVOID GEOGRAPHY

  i should think that if you answer a paper like that you might stand a good chance of never doing a geography lesson agane at least not in that skool. it might be better down a coal mine at least you get wages which you don’t at skool. You could try and see.

  6. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

  General knoledge is all the stuff that is not covered by latin geog algy geom fr. div. hist. etc This is a lot for a boy to stuff in his head especially if he could not care less whether mountain goats are found in turkey. The less i kno about mountain goats the better and the same go for the height of the nelson column.

  Lots of general knoledge these days is called current events about the state of the world just to cheer you up between latin and maths. gran you kno gran who was a lade porter and made munitions during the war hav been flying everywhere. She hav been to friends in South Africa and New York and Singapore and now talking of zooming to rome for lunch in a comet. Pop sa you can’t expect the world to be peaceful with her about and the whole Mess is due to her.

  Aktually the Mess is due to the rusians who are roters. The points i wish to make about the world are contaned in the molesworth newsletter.

  (a) the rusians are roters.

  (b) americans are swankpots.

  (c) the french are slack.

  (d) the germans are unspeakable.

  (e) the rest are as bad if not worse than the above.

  (f) the british are brave super and noble cheers cheers cheers.

  The only way for Peace is for all of them to dive into the sea and end it all. This will leave the whole place to the mountain goats who inhabit turkey and they may make a beter job of it.

  HOW TO AVOID GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

  Ask the master whether he hav passed security check as integrated personality in global struggle against communism. Add Are you sir and hav you ever been a member of communist party then run like the wind.

  A Gaul and a Roman passing each other in the Alps.

  How to Succeed with Masters

  What is x+y+a−b, sir?

  Gosh sir what a tie.

  They’re down there, sir.

  But you told me to report to you and sa the whole of the Charge of the Light Brigade, sir.

  Well kicked sir!

  Look what we’ve got in here, sir.

  You should hear what my pater says about you, sir.

  I suppose you can’t afford a car.

  Flight of the Ink Dart

  That’s enuff of that for the moment. In the meantime this should constitute a provocative action.

  5

  IN LOCO PARENTIS

  (For whom we are about to deceive may the Lord make us truly thankful)

  Boys ushually hav 2 parents. These parents are very like their dear children chiz chiz which shows that you can look like peason or grabber or molesworth 2 and still get on in the world.

  For some reason all these parents are anxious about their dear little chicks and think they are the only boy in the skool chiz wot a fate you’d hav to make up a class of masters. All mums think we are so delicate we are going to pass out any moment its a wonder they don’t come down to the skool with a bunch of lilies for the funeral.

  Families often hav 2 grans on the strength borne for critical duties and for making remarks i.e wot a curious smell skools hav in a v. loud voice.

  You can tell the two grans apart becos one gran do not aprove of your mater and your mater’s mama thinks your pater is selfish thriftless vague lazy undependable untidy neglectful poor dilatory unreliable shiftless conceited helpless and an uter wet who is not worthy of your mater’s hand.

  Grans are quite d. to boys however becos they think poor little wretches blub blub none of it is their fault with a pater and/or mater like that.

  It seems strange that all the tuough boys around with faces like wild baboons started life as babes in prams chiz chiz chiz. i mean you kno wot weeds babes are they lie about and gurgle and all the lades sa icky pritty and other uterly wet things.

  Being a baby is alright but soon all the boys who hav been wearing peticoats chiz chiz chiz begin to get bigger. they start zooming about like jet fighters climb drane pipes squirt water pistols make aple pie beds set booby traps leave tools about the garden refuse to be polite to visiting aunts run on the flower beds make space rockets out of pop’s golf bag and many other japes and pranks.

  It is at this time that parents look thortfully at their dear chicks and sa

  IT IS TIME WE SENT NIGEL TO SKOOL.

  CHIZ!

  Parents then search for a skool and dream of the day when the bath will not be full of plastic tugs speedboats queen marys etc. They look on the map until they find a place that is millions and trillions of miles away from home, and send for a prospectus.

  The prospectus take a bit of time to arive owing to grate pressure of business on headmaster during term time (boat race, golf matches, University sports and international ruger) Finally headmaster enclose prospectus which was printed in 1914 and a bit dusty.

  If headmasters were honest a prospectus would be a book which sa how many kanes he hav, contane a warning about the skool dog and the amount of prunes and rice served during the term. Acktually it sa the skool is simply super just like claridges hotel chiz in fact when your pater see the fees he sa he could do three months in a suite at claridges more cheaply but this is just biterness. the noble boy must point out that if paren
ts are to fob off dreadful offspring who climb drane pipes squirt water pistols etc no one is going to take him xcept for a fat price so boo and snubs to malenkov and the whole world.

  *

  An Ideal Setting

  st. custards is splendidly situated in bracing downland country yet within easy reach of the town with main line railway station. A brook with clear sparkling water babbles by. It is a haunt for feathered folk who flock into the extensive grounds. The house is modem and nearby is the famous girls college. The air is tempered with sea breezes. An ideal setting for a seat of learning.

  A Corner of the Playing Fields

  Games are a recognised part of the curriculum and matches are played with neighbouring skools. The sporting spirit is fostered as part of the skool tradition.

  A Peep into Matron’s Room

  Special attention is paid to health and all boys are under the supervision of a qualified matron who has at her disposal the full resources of the sick room.

  Academic

  The classical standards of st custards have long been established. Boys are prepared for scholarship examinations. The school is recognised.

  Boys are encouraged to develop their individual characters and expand their personalities.

  The Football Team

  Played 8. Won o. Drawn o. Lost 8.

  VISITING THE SKOOL

  The day the parents come means much acktivity at the skool.

  All rude drawings and propaganda down with the warmongers meeting at dalston friday are wiped off blakboards. Skool dog is muzled boys wash their necks and the bath is cleaned.

  Next masters are let out of their cells in new suits mashers ties etc. and are forced by the headmaster to toe party line.

  “Hav you been guilty of imperialist dogma in break by pinching a boys cup of coco?”

  “I hav.”

  “Hav you practised sabotage against the skool piano by cutting wires so that low C sounds plunk?”

  “I hav.”

  “Do you admit this led to subversive singing of D’ye Ken John Plunk in his plunk so gay?”

  “I do.”

  “Do you further admit to placing 3 tin ash trays on the top of the said piano?”

  “I do.”

  “So that class sing D’ye tinkle plunk John plunk tinkle in his tinkle tinkle zing?”

  “They did.”

  “Were you also a tool of wall street by interfering with the metronome while Musick mistress was singing ‘Trees’ at the skool concert?”

  “I was.”

  “Did you express the view that even if the Musick mistress was a tree you would not like her planted in your garden?”

  “Yes.”

  “Who invented the first railway engine?”

  “Stalin.”

  “Did you pawn the boxing cup to buy beer?”

  “I did.”

  “Hav Form 3A fallen below output target on Latin sentences?”

  “They hav.”

  “Are you guilty of everything?”

  “Very guilty indeed.”

  The masters are then sent off to their classes looking keen and brisk.

  The bell is then rung for big skool and all xemble. Carpets are put down and all smoking forbidden old masters are hung on the walls n.b. rembrandt etc not the deaf master and all is ready. Headmaster sa:

  “Do you love the old skool?”

  “Yes.”

  (it isn’t bad sometimes acktually)

  “Do you love the staff?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you love the skool dog?”

  “Yes.”

  “Wot do you think of the skool food?”

  (A pause)

  “Scrumptous, especially the smoked salmon.”

  “Will you all sing the skool song.”

  “Hurra hurra hurra.”

  “SKOOL–A, SKOOL” etc.

  After this the boys are manacled to desks and all who die of boredom during french and other lessons are carried out and concealed. Matron is propped up in her chair by wooden stake and skool gardener wakened from deep sleep in onion bed.

  The stage is set. CAVE! They’re coming.

  *

  6

  HOW TO TORTURE

  PARENTS

  1. SKOOL PLAYS DISPLAYS BUN FIGHTS AND JAMBOREES

  Once a boy hav been sent to a skool the die is cast. all the same every so often parents wake up and wonder how their little dear is doing. It is then that the headmaster hav to organise a pla or something which prove to parents that their sons are worth their salt and can learn a lot of tricks if pressed like dogs or even seals.

  Imagine the scene. i am in 2B just flying a few darts or guided misiles when molesworth 2 sa Hav you heard the latest you are in the skool pla and must wear silk tights chiz chiz chiz. i pause only to tuough him up and zoom off to learn i am to be prince charming curses i shall never live this down.

  Acktually not bad as i learn part in big skool after prep and think i am rather super.

  La m’dear are you a fairy? Can so pritty a creature be sitting in rags by the fire? I invite you to sup with me etc etc.

  As i am saing this amid hale of inkpots darts rags and yells molesworth 2 come up and sa wot are you doing molesworth 1 go on tell me o you might. I am touched by his evident faith and recite the words but he sa if you ask me prince charming is a naughty old man and zoom away. O for peace and solitude to practise my art hem-hem.

  When the day of the pla comes all the parents are driven into skool hall and locked in so none can escape. Prince charming zoom upon the stage and pla begin:

  PRINCE CHARMING: ’pon my soul it is indeed a pritty wench. Who art thou?

  CINDERELLA: I am Cinderella.

  PRINCE CHARMING: Thou art not thou art peason with a lot of rouge lipstick and a straw wig and thou lookest like the wrath of god.

  CINDERELLA (dimpling): And thou molesworth 1 thou canst not call thyself prince charming when thou hast a face like a mad baboon.

  PRINCE CHARMING: I will tuough you up for that my pritty maid.

  CINDERELLA: Yar boo sucks thou art much too girly in thy white silk tights that are made from i kno not wot. Thou couldst not tuough up a flea ha-ha-hee.

  PRINCE CHARMING (with a low bow): Wilt thou with me to the ball my sweet one?

  CINDERELLA: I hav seen you dancing strip the wilow in our dancing class and i kno you are like 1000 elephants o measly weed. Get thee gone or i will heave the pumpkin at thee.

  PRINCE CHARMING: And i will place the fairy mice down thy unwashed neck.

  (He boweth low and his silk britches bursteth.)

  Aktually parents could not stand this kind of strong meat so we must give them the old soft soap as per ushual and sa the printed words. They then look softly at their dear ones and the paters all dream of the bar at the golf club. One day they will come to see the pla and get the horid truth.

  CINDERELLA ON THE RUN. A PRINCE CHARMING WHO STUMBLE UPON A GANGSTERS MOLL. See n. molesworth as a PRINCE in search of an IDEAL. CERTIFICATE ‘X’.

  2. COUNTRY DANCING

  Another form of torture for parents is the displa of country dancing on ye sham vilage green. The skool gardener is awakened from another sleep in the onion bed and skool piano wheeled from big skool revealing wizard patch of dust marbles dead beetles conkers and skeletons of boys who hav crept away to die. Piano is then carted to the green by 99 boys on ancient wheelbarow and decorated with laurel leafs as if that could make the old grid sound any beter.

  Boys then all dress up in weedy costumes with all sorts of bells everywhere and parents take their seats. miss pringle take seat at skool piano and strike huge opning chord.

  WAM WAM BONK ZUNK PLUNK

  (dancers enter)

  ALL: Dilly dilly dilly dilly O

  With a rilly dilly, strawberry, o.

  (pointing toes)

  Rilly-me Dilly me.

  (jangling a bell on the end of the nose)

  EBENEZER: Rilly-dilly jingle. Rill
y-dilly jingle.

  EPHRAIM: With a raspberry o.

  ALL: Rilly-dilly raspberry rilly-dilly raspberry o.

  Piano then goes WAM PLUNK BISH BASH ZUNK while all boys dance like mad bells jangle dogs yap babes cry squadron of heavy bombers fly overhead rane fall molesworth 2 get strangled in the maypole man call for the telephone bill and gardener canot sleep in the onion bed.

  Piano then finish RUNK DUNK RILLY ME REE etc and burst into flames. miss pringle fante and confusion reigns with super charge of mad morris dancers. In fact the only man who can really enjoy all this is the deaf master who sa he hav always liked hiathwatha and look as if he will sing onaway awake beloved for 2 pins.

  Of course there are other organised forms of torture for parents recitation of loss of the royal george latin pla duet (n. molesworth and p. peason Spring song. Mendleson) chorus from mikado cristopher robin carol concerts and not least molesworth 2 who pla mightily his famous piece fairy bells which nothing hav ever been known to stop.

  Any case there is only one thing for parents to sa when they recover their speech they must sa it was much beter than last year. Wot last year must hav been like then is a lot more than i can imagine.

  3. ASSEMBLY OF THE WIZZO SPACE SHIP