Molesworth

by Geoffrey Willans

  SPACE COMPLANTE: Space is getting a bit congested these days what with all the daring space aces who come out every Friday price 4d. It makes it a bit dificult to get a decent adventure the PUKON is taken up with one VORA with another. You try the vilaninous SHAZAM. Zoosh- Zee- Zeeeeee.… So you want to play it ruff, Shazam eh: but he sa go away chiz i am planing to invade mercury with a milion trilion space transports. All the fatheful chaps from other planets who hav names like KONX and carvel and faces it is hard to describe hav disapeared along with the saturnians and mercurians who are fortifying their uranium cities. In fact they are all so taken up with xplosions and zooming about that they hav no time for you. Even when you blast them with your gamma-ray pistol – ziff-ziff-ziff-ziff – they take no notice. So there is only one thing to do – zoosh – and go off home to tuough up molesworth 2.

  3

  AKQUIRE CULTURE AND KEEP THE BRANE CLEAN

  HOW TO BE TOPP IN LATIN

  All skools make some sort of show at teaching the pupils things and the headmaster pin up a huge timetable of lessons ect. which make the heart sink when you look at it. I mean do the grate british nation understand that thousands of its young elizabthans are looking at latin ugh before there brekfast hav even settled. i mean to sa how would they like saing monerer monereris moneretur ect. at that hour eh?

  Actually it is quite easy to be topp in lat. you just have to work chiz chiz chiz. Otherwise, there are various ways of taking your mind from it such as altering shorter latin primer into shortbread eating primer and if my name you wish to see turn to page one hundred and three. After that you just stare gloomily at stems in labials form Nom and hope for the best.

  The only best that can hapen is when the BELL ring cheers cheers cheers and you can stop puting blotch paper into the inkwell.

  Meanwhile lat. master drones on. He is always frightfully keen on lat. which he call classicks amo amas amat gender rhymes bonus and hie haec hoc which he quote with glee. Fancy a grown man saying hujus hujus hujus as if he were proud of it it is not english and do not make SENSE.

  Lat. masters are always convinced that lat. is easy quite pappy. They encourage you. It is so simple molesworth they cry if you will only try.

  Now go at it quite calmly.

  Tandem novum quidem et inauditum consilium capit…

  Simple eh hav a hart like all lat. it is just all BOSH.

  Sometimes they think they will trick you into liking lat. by having a latin pla. Latin plas are like this –

  THE HOGWARTS

  by

  MARCUS PLAUTUS MOLESWORTHUS

  Sene One. The villa of Cotta at Rome. Enter CORTICUS a dreary old slave and RADIX his mate.

  CORTICUS: (laying a skin of wine on the sideboard) Eheu!

  (The headmaster and all lat. masters who watch roar with larffter.)

  RADIX: Eheu!

  (More larffter they are in stitches)

  CORTICUS: Eheu!

  RADIX: Eheu!

  (The curtain falls as the masters roll helplessly in the aisles.)

  Sene Two. A tavern off the Via apia. Enter MENSA a dirty old man followed by ANNUS his shieldbearer.

  MENSA: Tot quot, clot.

  ANNUS: Tu quoque, clotie.

  (They trip over each other’s togas. An ancient Briton enters in chains.)

  BRITON: Turn it up now turn it up.

  (The curtain falls with all masters in hysterics.)

  Sene Three: The Capitol. Cotta and his wife are at breakfast.

  COTTA: Quid est pabulum?

  WIFE: (handing the cornflakes) Vis.

  COTTA: Eheu!

  IDIOTICUS their son enters singing to the lyre.

  IDIOTICUS:

  To nouns that canot be declined

  The neuter gender is assigned.

  Bebop bebop

  Examples fas and nefas give

  And the Verb-Noun Infinitiv.

  (This is too much for the masters who join rolicking in the chorus. The geese begin to quack and all the actors forget their lines. Curtain.)

  MOLESWORTH V MORON & MORON

  (peason intervening)

  If you do not partikularly care a buton if you are topp or not, one of the best things is to get into a DISCUSSION about it (in English). Like this. You put aside your dab-criket (hutton 2002) and look v. puzzled and with a thirst for knoledge.

  Sir?

  Be quiet molesworth! Get on with your exercise.

  No sir really sir.

  Well, what is it? (Thinks: a possible trap?)

  Then you sa:

  What is the use of latin sir?

  Master clutches the board ruber but he knos he is beaten this one always rouses the mob. The class breaks into an uproar with boos catcalls and cries of ‘Answer!’ The master begin

  er well er that er quite simple molesworth. latin is er classicks you kno and classicks are – well they are er – they are the studies of the ancient peoples.

  SIR NIGEL MOLESWORTH Q.C. So what?

  er latin gives you not only the history of Rome but er (hapy inspiration) its culture, it er tells you about interesting men like J. Caesar, hannibal, livy, Romulus remus and er lars porsena of clusium.

  SIR NIGEL MOLESWORTH, Q.C. And the Gauls you do not mention the Gauls. Would you not consider them interesting.

  O most certainly.

  SIR NIGEL MOLESWORTH Q.C. (consulting his brief) I observe from the work of this class that the Gauls hav atacked the camp with shouts they hav frightened the citizens, they hav killed the enemy with darts and arows and blamed the belgians. They hav also continued to march into Italy. Would it not be more interesting if they did something new?

  er possibly.

  SIR NIGEL MOLESWORTH Q.C. Would you perhaps explane why latin never deals with the exploits of nero and one or two of the fruitier emperors. Or empresses for that mater?

  (The master is silent clutching the board ruber convulsilvely. Sir Nigel looks round the court with a meaning look)

  That is my case, m’lud.

  (He sits down on the inkwell which peason hav shoved under him.)

  That is my case, m’lud

  Aktually it never really hapens like that. You hav to listen to the same old stuff about latin giving you depth and background. It is also the base of english words but it canot be base enuff for me chiz.

  Another wizard wheeze is to look up something really tricky in the grammer e.g. gerunds which are always tricky and shifty if you ever get as far as looking at them. What hapens is as follows:

  Hand up (Silence for 5 minits)

  Sir (whisper no repli)

  Hand up agane. (3 minits two secs.)

  What is it, molesworth?

  Sir, what is a gerund? (Master stare at you as if amazed)

  What is what? (He hav never heard of it)

  A gerund, sir.

  You ought to kno that. Look it up, boy. (working himself into a rage) really the ignorance of 2B they are the worst form i hav ever taken. What is a gerund, indeed! Worse than 3A last year! Much worse.

  But what is a gerund, sir?

  I hav told you look it up look it up look it up. (turning the leaves of the grammer beneath the desk) A gerund is a – it is a verbal substantive, molesworth, declined like neuters of the second declension any fule knos that. It seems to me extraordinary ect . . . . . .

  It is a pity really that you can’t cob masters cribbing and get them 6 of the best but there it is. Festina lente as we say to each other lightly at brake. Festina lente or I’ll bash you up.

  The Private Life of the Gerund

  The gerund attacks some peaceful pronouns

  Kennedy discovers the gerund and leads it back into captivity

  A gerund shut out. No place for it in one of my sentences

  Social snobery. A gerund ‘cuts’ a gerundive

  LATIN PROSE

  In the end you hav to come face to face with latin and here is the sort of thing that apperes and my coments.

  Test. (3 weakly.) Into L
atin:

  a) The ramparts of the enemy are long.

  How long that is the point? If we kno how long they are we can march to the end and go round. Otherwise we must bring up the ballista and catapult our men over. In any case why bother me. Labienus is your man third tent on the right. Hand me back my chisel i am writing to mum.

  b) The boy’s head is small, his feet are big.

  Ho! He hav also a face like a wild baboon, arms like a flea and a nose like a squished turnip. He is uterly wet and a weed and it is obviously my grate friend peason.

  c) All the cavalry are on the right wing.

  I ask you! they just chase the ball like the ticks in the third game. Look at Caesar. What’s he doing there when he ought to be on the left wing eh? Labienus Cotta and Balbus – what a half-back line. Mark your men! Get back in gole, Remus! Wot a shambles i ask you no wonder the hungarians beat them.

  d) Do you always carry your books on your head?

  No, not always. Sometimes i carry an iron bar or a basket of washing on it it depends on my mood. What, then, do i do with my books? i deface them tear off the covers thro them at fotherington-tomas churn them about in my desk make blotches on them and make tunels with them for my trains. What business is it of yours anyway?

  e) Does the clear voice of the girl delight your ears?

  i might hav known it.

  THE MOLESWORTH DAY-DREAM

  SERVICE 1

  Are you fatigued? Bored, run-down, depressed? Are Caesar and Labienus too much for you? Do the Gauls want to make you scream?

  The answer is simple.

  Help yourself to a MOLESWORTH DAY-DREAM. Simple, easy to operate. No gadgets. Just detach yourself from the hum-drum work of the class and stare out of the window with your mouth open.

  THE GRATE ST CUSTARD’S FLOOD

  Up Up Up the swirling waters rise steadily. The vegetable garden and playing fields are a sea of water old foopball boots float in the skool yard. Inside corridors and classrooms are deep in water. Another pair of foopball boots floats by with molesworth 2 beneath them.

  ‘That proves,’ i sa, reeling him in, ‘that you are uterly wet.’

  In his study the headmaster sits at his desk with the waters rising to his nose.

  ‘What is it?’ he sa irritably at my knock.

  ‘Sir the skool is flooded.’

  ‘Go away boy don’t worry me report it to the master on duty.’

  At this point the waters gurgle into his pipe putting it out with a rore and hiss of steam. The matron, carried by the current, drifts in through the window. She smiles wanly but says nothing.

  ‘What is this molesworth?’ sa the headmaster. ‘If this is another of your jokes i warn you there may be serious konsequences.’

  At that moment a bust of Shakespeare falls upon his head.

  ‘Great Scott!’ he exclames. ‘What the Dickens is that?’ (Ha-Ha)

  Then he give a grate cry: ‘My kanes! They are drifting away.’

  Too late the kanes join the swirling jetsam of beetles prunes sossages protractors bungies masters maps foopballs and conkers which hav risen like a scum to the surface. Stuned with his loss headmaster fall insensible.

  The galant boys, meanwhile, hav climbed upon floating blakboards benches and tubs. They punt peacefully across the skool yard. The chivalrous molesworth hav prudence entwhistle the beautiful under-matron upon his craft hem-hem

  PRUDENCE: How peaceful it is upon the waters nigel.

  ME: (blushing benethe my boater) i hav rather a nasty hack on my shin and can i have a clean handkerchief.

  PRUDENCE: Don’t let us talk of everyday things nigel. Am i beautiful

  ME: Gosh ur coo i mean to say gosh.

  (We glide benethe the green shade of a willow. There is silence.)

  ME: Prudence –

  PRUDENCE: Yes, nigel?

  ME: i think on the whole mumps are beter than measles.

  (With a strangled cry she thro the cucumber sandwiches at me.)

  Back at skool the headmaster, recovered, addresses the survivors.

  ‘It is not my rule,’ he sa, ‘to grant additional half-hols during termtime. As the waters are above the ceiling, however, work may stop after this period.’

  WOW! WIZZ! CHEERS! SUPER!

  WAM! A volume of Livy uneringly thrown strike my nose. It is followed by a piece of chalk into my open mouth. That is the worst of dreams. They fade and one must come back to reality chiz. Quibus quibus quibus but who cares?

  Grate Latin Lies

  The customs of the Gauls were honourable

  Great crimes were rare in ancient times

  The girls were beautiful

  All the Romans love home

  4

  A FEW MOMENTS IN

  THE UNDERWORLD

  It is no use sooner or later it has to come you must talk about your felow sufferers e.g. the boys with whom you are forced to mingle. Some are strong others are weedy so it is quite simple.

  If boys are strong you sa gosh grabber it was too bad you made a duck at criket it was dashed bad luck you hapned to make a blind swipe and thereby lost the match. The ball was a googly which had you not closed your eyes tight you mite hav seen. (Tact)

  If a boy is weedier than you it is diferent you sa Look at little baby made a duck little baby couldn’t hit a flea. (Get tuough policy)

  Of course weedy boys always rely on WORDS. e.g. How many did you make last time molesworth?

  o

  Yar boo sucks l b w i supose the old story i would not swank if i were you after all some are selekted others are not some hav an aptitude for the game others just slog. Slogging never got anyone anywhere.

  (This is the time when you spring upon him mightily and proove that criket may be all very well but not very realistic in the modern world where anyone may next moment be going to mars. Xcept of course that mars may hav a joly good team which can make 10002 so boo to huton bedser and all the rest.)

  But i digress hem-hem BOYS fall into a lot of types which are all repulsive as i shall make clear.

  CADS

  Cads hav always a grandmother who is the DUCHESS of BLANK hem hem. They are inclined to cheat at conkers having baked them for 300 years in the ancestral ovens. These conkers belong to the national trust they are so tuough and if you strike one your new conker fly into a 10000000000 bits.* In this case there is nothing to do about it xcept to SMILE.

  Back to cads. They sa wot skool are you going to. You sa well it is one of the lesser known publick skools it is called GRUNTS it is in devonshire and my pater thinks that becos it is ok for sons of retired clergymen i will be ok. to eton for you i supose? It is always eton and good luck to them they go to a good show in spite of the fog.

  eton is a small paradise in the thames valley. New bugs who arive are met by the maitre d’hotel who sa Welcome sir we have to put you in suite number 2 this is only temporary sir you understand no bathroom no shower your toothpaste will be waiting for you frozen in the wash-basin.

  YOU MUST HAVE PATIENCE. In 3 years you can despise EVERYBODE the LOT. If you are lucky you can even call the matron a dame which takes a bit of doing. So wot you are still in the thames valley then you can put your shoulder againgst a wall and achive o but less than nothing. CHEERS CHEERS WIZZ WIZZ. Less than no marks to the dear old skool imagine me in a topper eh gosh.

  As i sa i am down for GRUNTS wizz wow which is an ancient foundation and full of boys to whom masters hav said You’ll never pass the CE molesworth never. But they pass into GRUNTS all right which receive them with open arms.

  Cads always ask you about your pater and mater e.g.

  Wot does your pater do, molesworth?

  Not a stroke positively not a stroke (a lite larff)

  He is in the city i suppose

  Som of the time at other times he is in earls court it depends (more larffter)

  But what is his job?

  You canot get out of this one. There are a lot of jobs for which the younger generation ar
e being trained up to take the places of their fathers. There is a bird seed merchant, skoolmaster, pigeonfancier brassfounder skinner stockbroker and a lot of others in fact it is shoking how many there are. But all of them sound deadly when you sa your pater do them. Like mum you could wish sometimes that your pater was a bit more glamorous but hay ho. The only thing is to jam your monocle in your eye and sa i kno your pater is a lord pauncefoote but he could jolly well do with a new suit.

  Then run like the wind. Ho jenkins sponge the mud of the county from my knees and I will stroll into deten.

  OIKS

  Oiks used to be tuough boys who had not our advantages. Passing us and observing our pink caps and blue noses oiks call out

  OO er coo lumme look at them.

  Then they buzz a conker.

  At this any boy of spirit sa charge ta-ran-ta-ra ta-ran ta-ra cut them down with your swords men. If the whole croc descended upon the oiks how surprised and wot would miss pringle do then poor thing. Aktually this never hapens for odd reason: Miss pringle address us a lecture.

  Take no notice of them molesworth. They do not kno any beter. They kno well enough to hit peason on the nose? The old man’s beard is thick on the hedges and soon the shy wild violet will be flowering. No molesworth i am not trying to change the subject. Duck! Heads! Oh, what can all this be? Another shower of conkers? Take no notice take no notice. WAM BIFF ur-ur-ur. Keep on the pavement, tinies, do not break ranks. As i was saing the old mans beard is thick upon the – SPLOSH. Keep close this is when your discipline counts. The sqadron must get through and they shall never capture the standard.