Compulsive (Liar #1)

by Lia Fairchild

  I’d never had a discussion about my family or my losses with Alyssa, but she’d obtained enough information snooping in my apartment, looking at my photo albums, and talking to Nathan. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. Listen, it’s possible we’ll get in there and she’ll be tossing bedpans and screaming like when you first met.”

  One side of her mouth turned up at the corner. “That would be awesome.” She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over the side to hug me. “I’m going to be strong for Jessie,” she whispered into my ear.

  “I’m proud of you.” When she pulled back, I took hold of both of her hands. “There’s one more thing you should be ready for.”

  “What?”

  “They may not let you in to see her. It could be only family.”

  By the time we entered the hospital, the sun had almost set, stealing light and setting a sorrowful stage. We made our way through the medical maze of hallways and corridors, arriving at a different location than where we’d first found our two new companions almost six months ago.

  Met with grave silence, I glanced around the area, which was practically devoid of humans. A petite nurse with long black hair and smooth caramel skin arrived behind the desk as we approached. She led us to Jessie’s room and confirmed we had to wait outside. She wasn’t allowed to tell us the status of her condition.

  Alyssa backed away from the small window and sat in a nearby chair. “What do you see?”

  “Daniel and Rita are in there with her.” Their backs were to me, so they didn’t see me watching. I turned to find Alyssa with her head between her hands. When I turned back to the scene inside the room, I saw Jessie’s eyes slowly opening. Her thin arm rose, bringing her hand toward her face. Two fingers touched her lips as her haunting eyes bore into me. Rita and Daniel appeared clearly unaware of the visual. I blinked rapidly, understanding hitting me with force, attempting to jar myself before the inevitable completion.

  “How does she look?” the shaky voice behind me said.

  I shook the frightening figment from my brain, watching it dissolve into the cold reality of a little girl’s lifeless body.

  “I’m sorry, babe. I can’t see her. I’m sure they’ll come out soon, and we can ask them what’s happening.”

  “What if I cry in front of them? Is that wrong?”

  I took the seat next to her, rubbing her back. “Of course not. I understand you want to be strong, but you shouldn’t have to hide your feelings.”

  She straightened her back and shot me with a hard stare. “You do.”

  The door opened and saved me from weak excuses. Rita’s face went from dismay to surprise to pleased. “Alyssa, Gray, thank you for coming.”

  Before I could get a word out, Alyssa popped from the chair and into Rita’s welcoming arms. I might have felt jealous if I wasn’t so relieved. Rita caressed the top of Alyssa’s head and pressed her lips against her hair.

  “Is she going to be all right, Rita?” Alyssa pulled back to check her face when she didn’t answer immediately.

  “I don’t know, honey. The doctors are doing all they can, and you know Jessica is, too.”

  Alyssa nodded and then peered past her toward the window. Her arms released Rita and relaxed to her side as if the window compelled her over. We both watched this brave girl walk up to the glass to face her fears and show support and strength for her friend. Then, Rita turned to me, and I stood.

  “I’m sorry, Rita. Is there anything I can do? Anyway I can help?”

  She shook her head and took my hand. “Thank you for being here and especially for bringing Alyssa. I’d like to think somehow she knows. There’s something about Alyssa that seems to give Jessica strength.”

  “I’m glad to hear that. I know Alyssa can sometimes be a little…”

  “Yes.” She smiled for a moment. “Whatever word you were searching for, it’s what makes her special. She’s got this tough exterior, but it’s obvious how much she cares. And I’ve got a feeling you’ve had some influence in this girl’s life.”

  “I don’t know about that, but I do know that Alyssa feels just as lucky to have found Jessie. And when she pulls through this, they’ll be that much closer.” Her lips stretched thin as she patted my hand, sending a familiar ache to my chest cavity. What do you say to a mother who’d lost hope? She glanced down the hallway and back at me. “Actually, you could do something for me. I need to speak with the nurse, and I have to check in with my husband. He’s trying to get home. If you could stay a while in case Daniel comes out.”

  “Of course.”

  When she spoke, her next tentative words, her expression lost some of the pain and hopelessness and became determined. “For a therapist, my brother’s not great about sharing his emotions.”

  I nodded with raised eyebrows.

  “He is a man after all,” she continued. “But, I have noticed he seems…different around you. Could you possibly talk to him? Take his mind off things?”

  “I’ll do my best, Rita.” I attempted a reassuring smile, but it felt inadequate from my end. Rita drew in a deep breath before plodding down the hall and pulling her cell from her pocket. The loneliness and helplessness seeping from her pores awakened emotions I’d long since kept under lock and key. I didn’t fight them out of respect for what Rita was going through.

  For the next five minutes, I stood vigil behind Alyssa, viewing through the window. Daniel sat on the edge of the bed, his lips barely moving as if he were whispering a tender tale. Even with only his profile in view now, his face radiated intense agony. I yearned to comfort him and wept inside, knowing most likely he wouldn’t allow it. Seeing Jessie lying there and with the floodgate of emotions open, I fought against thinking of Noah. My sweet angel, who’d barely graced my life, yet had a monumental impact. I concentrated my thoughts on Daniel, taking in his pain, determined to be strong for him if he’d give me the chance. Then, his head rose and turned toward the window, as if he sensed me watching over him. A flash of panic shot through me. What if he saw my presence as an intrusion? His poignant eyes told me otherwise.

  Moments later, he was up and walking toward the door. Both Alyssa and I backed away from the window.

  “Hey, kiddo,” he said, looking at Alyssa after his eyes darted in my direction. “Thanks for coming.”

  Alyssa gave a nod and opened her mouth. I could tell she wasn’t quite sure what to say to him. She held back, and Daniel turned to me. “Thank you both.” We stayed linked in a wordless conversation for several seconds before Alyssa’s voice cut in.

  “I want to call my mom and let her know I’d like to stay a little longer.”

  I’d heard her, but my focus hadn’t left Daniel.

  “Gray, is that okay?”

  “Oh, um.” I turned to find wide, desperate eyes. “Sure. Let her know I’m here, and if she needs to talk to me, that’s fine, too.”

  Alyssa stepped to the back of the hallway to place her call while Daniel and I stayed outside the door to Jessie’s room.

  “Can I bring you anything?” I asked. “Coffee? Something to eat?”

  “No, thank you. I appreciate it, though.”

  With every second that ticked off in my head, I felt more useless and more of an intrusion. What the hell did I think I was going to do here? “You know, we don’t have to stay. Alyssa will be fine. She just needed to see her and get an update.”

  “Well, there’s really not much anyone can do now, so…”

  I couldn’t take his cold, distant demeanor personally. It was exactly how I would react. Yet, Daniel had practically forced me to open up. “Daniel, do you want to go somewhere and talk for a few minutes? Honestly…it’s why I came. Not only to bring Alyssa.”

  “Gray.” He sighed as he shook his head. “I’m doing all I can to keep it together for my sister.” His eyes went to the door. “That’s my girl in there. I practically raised her, but I can’t let myself face this right now and fall apart. So please… let it go.”

  “O
kay, I understand.” My head bobbed aimlessly while I thought of something else to say or do. “I’m going to grab some coffee, maybe check with Rita on my way. Can you let Alyssa know I’ll be back?”

  When I returned, the hallway outside Jessie’s room was empty. Until then, I hadn’t thought about the fact that I was responsible for Alyssa and a shot of fear went through me. Had she gone to the restroom and Daniel and Rita had gone inside the room? My head turned from side to side as I approached. Then, I took one last look back toward the nurses’ desk. I stepped up to the window and peered in, hoping I wouldn’t have to disturb them to help me find Alyssa. My breath caught as I quickly inhaled, seeing Alyssa sitting alone with Jessie. In addition to visitors needing to be family, no one under eighteen was permitted either.

  While I debated whether or not to go in and get her, Alyssa turned and saw me in the window. A second later, she exited the room. “I’m sorry, Gray. I had to see her. Just in case, you know?”

  “I know. It’s okay.”

  I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and squeezed. “You’re brave and strong and a good friend.”

  Rita walked up. We both pushed tighter into each other and neither of us spoke.

  “Did you see Daniel just now?” she asked.

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “I’m sorry. He left while you were gone. He said he had to get some things from his office.”

  “Oh…”

  “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, but please don’t feel obligated.”

  Rita sat and talked with us for a while. When she went back into the room, we left. I was so physically tired and emotionally drained there wasn’t much left to dwell on whether or not Daniel left because of me. I kept my composure through the car ride and delivering Alyssa safely into her apartment. In the privacy of my home, alone in my bed, I let the tears fall. Daniel didn’t need or want my comfort, but that didn’t stop my heart from breaking for him.

  CHAPTER 28

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  Nineteen hours after we left the hospital, Jessie’s father arrived by her bedside. Less than two hours later, with her parents holding her hands and her Uncle Daniel standing watch, she stirred from her coma. Without a chance to call the doctor, her fragile heart stopped beating, and her sweet soul slipped away, finally rid of the senseless pain that plagued her tiny body.

  Rita called me, her brave voice relaying what had happened and alerting me that the service details would be forthcoming. She asked me to let Alyssa know. My mind went briefly to the task of crushing a young girl and picking up the pieces.

  I offered my condolences and assistance, ignoring my urge to ask about Daniel. When we said our goodbyes, something told me not to hang up.

  “Gray?”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m worried about Daniel. I know it’s…strange for me to ask, given the situation, but he’s so alone right now. You two seem like you’re…close? Maybe friends?”

  “I’d like to think so, Rita. I’m just not sure what Daniel and I are, to be honest.”

  “But, you care about him.”

  She’d said it as a statement, not a question. “I do.”

  “He’s always sort of kept to himself, and he doesn’t really have anyone to turn to.”

  Her voice calmed as we talked about Daniel. I hoped that in some way this helped her cope.

  “I understand, and I’ll try to help. I don’t know if he’ll let me.” The painful silence on the line prompted me to fill it. “But, I’ll do whatever I can.”

  “Thank you, Gray.” The quiver in her voice had returned.

  I would have promised her anything. Helping Daniel was what I wanted more than anything. The odds of a role reversal were less than likely. I questioned whether I was capable of helping someone through a tragedy like this when I’d spent my whole life avoiding facing my own tragedies.

  I placed some calls, trying to track down Daniel. Leaving messages proved more challenging than I thought. I left two, keeping them short and asking him to call me back. I’d hoped if he thought I needed him he’d return the call.

  The next day, after not a word from Daniel and receiving a text from Rita about the services, I responded to her that I hadn’t been able to reach him. She texted back that she appreciated my efforts, and that Daniel had been working from home, rescheduling all his appointments. Considering I held one of those upcoming appointments and hadn’t heard a word from him, I had no idea what to make of that.

  The day turned to night—a lonely one that left me with an itch too self-destructive to scratch. Alyssa had stayed home from school and spent part of the day in her pajamas on my couch. Her mother finally dragged her back to do make-up work. Her absence, along with Daniel’s silence, left a deep gap in my chest, but I wasn’t about to sit around doing nothing either.

  I arrived on his doorstep with a take-out bag in my hand and determination on my mind. The door opened. On display, the beautiful, strong man I’d come to know, hid behind wretched eyes and a broken will.

  “Gray?” His mouth went into a hard straight line when he paused. “What are you doing here?”

  I wouldn’t let him push me into second-guessing my actions. I smiled and held up the bag. “Hungry?”

  “You came all the way up here at eight o’clock at night to bring me food?”

  “Yep. It’s your favorite. From that Thai place you’ve talked about.”

  A breath came, out along with a smile, as his gaze swept around the area. “I guess I can’t send you back now.” He opened the door wider. “Come in.”

  He took the bag as I entered. Granger trotted over, led by his industrious nose. “No, this isn’t for you, boy.” He set it onto the counter and directed Granger to sit in his bed.

  I wandered toward the living area, removing my coat as I went. Soft music floated down from ceiling speakers. The mantel pictures I hadn’t noticed last time caught my eye. People I didn’t recognize in some, a toddler who had to have been Jessie based on the eyes.

  “Can I get you something to drink?”

  Without turning back to him, I said, “Well, you’ve had a nice head start, so I’ve got some catching up to do.”

  “I meant coffee, but how did you know?”

  “Not only is it written on your face, but also my radar spotted that bottle of whiskey the instant I stepped through the door.”

  Silence filled the space behind me, so I turned from the mantel. His hands were on his hips, and his head hung low. “Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for you to come.”

  “Why is that? Because I might see the good doctor as human? Possibly even…flawed?”

  “Gray, you don’t understand what kind of position you’ve put me in. How can I have your trust and respect and confidence if I can’t handle myself in your presence?” He took his focus from me, looking over at his four-legged companion.

  “Just because you know and teach all the right things to do, doesn’t mean you are able to do them yourself all the time.” I took a couple of steps in his direction. “It’s why doctors become addicted to prescription drugs, and priests and politicians are involved in sex scandals.” I stopped in front of him, well aware he was avoiding eye contact. I turned his chin to me, his lids remained low. “We’re all human. We all love and hurt and rise and fall.” I waited for his eyes to turn up to me. “And we all need someone to—”

  “No,” he said, pulling back. “I don’t…”

  “You don’t need someone? Or, you don’t need me?”

  He backed away farther, shaking his head before turning around.

  “You don’t have to say anything,” I said, following him. “The answer is the same, and we both know what it is.”

  The brick wall that was his frame remained still. I approached his back, reached up to his shoulder, and caressed gently. “Daniel…I’m so sorry about Jessie.” I rested my forehead against his back, summoning the pain to transfer from him to me. “I came here because I know what t
hat pain feels like. I know how sad and angry you feel. And I know how alone you must be feeling right now.”

  “It hurts like hell.” His voice cried out in a strained whisper, like it lacked the air behind it.

  “I know.”

  “And seeing you, being around you…I can’t explain it. Everything seems to press up on me and feel that much more…I don’t know.”

  “That much more…intense?”

  His hand reached around to take hold of mine. He removed it from his shoulder and turned to face me, holding it tightly in his grasp. “Yes, Gray. Everything is more intense when I’m around you.”

  “I’m not here to make you feel more pain. I’m here to help you let it out…to share it with you.”

  “God, if only…” His pleading eyes took mine then. “It’s a dangerous line to walk, and if we continue on this path…”

  “What? The world will come to an end? I don’t understand, Daniel.”

  He gave me silence and a hard stare.

  “Fine. Tell me right now that you want nothing from me.”

  His head turned to the side, and I adjusted myself to remain his center of attention. “Tell me… and I’ll walk out the door.”

  He took a deep breath and sighed it out. “You have no idea how difficult it’s been for me to want to help you and keep things professional.” Frantic hands gripped my shoulders when I stepped into his confession. “To worry about whether my judgment has been affected and fight what I’ve felt since the first moment I saw you.”

  “I do know, Daniel. I’ve had my own battles to fight, but I’ve known from the beginning that there was something between us. It’s why I pushed for you, and it’s why you ultimately agreed.”

  “No.” His head attempted to shake the truth away. “No. What kind of man would that make me?”

  “You’re a good man, Daniel. The best man I know.” His state of mind concerned me. I regretted going down this road when what I really wanted was to help him cope with losing Jessie. “And you were an incredible uncle and role model to Jessie. I’m sorry for pushing you. I’m sorry I came here and made you face things you weren’t prepared to face in the midst of all that you are going through.” I put my arms around his neck and pulled him to me. “Please…please, let me take care of you, Daniel, and we’ll worry about the rest later.”