Compulsive (Liar #1)

by Lia Fairchild

  “And, here comes the doctor’s disclaimer.”

  “This…” He shook his head. “…it can’t happen again.”

  “I don’t understand what the problem is. Soon I won’t even be your patient.”

  He didn’t reply, merely wagged his head in frustration. This caused my desperation to rise a notch on the pathetic scale. “We can wait a while…No one will know.”

  Daniel leaned forward, resting his forearms on top of his knees. “It’s not just that, Gray. It’s much more complicated than that. You’re not ready to…”

  “Bullshit! Don’t you dare make this about me. What are you trying to do, drive me away?” Silence. “Should I prove your point, go get smashed, sleep with someone else? Should I make it easy for you and go ahead and self-destruct?” He was just going to let me steamroll right through this. “Would that be better for you? How about if I go running back to Nathan?” Finally a reaction. His nostrils flared, his pupils dilated, and his breathing labored. This passionate side of Daniel he rarely showed. And though it sparked a fear in me, I welcomed it in that moment. His mouth flew open, but a grunted sigh released in place of words before realization hit, subsiding his anger. He worked to slow his breathing.

  “Please, don’t do this, Gray.”

  His warm eyes and tender expression dug into my heart and compounded my regret for trying to outwit the doctor. That didn’t mean I’d walk out of there without a fight. “What the hell are you so afraid of, Daniel?” My gaze stole his and begged for answers.

  He rose from his chair, walked to the end of the cement patio and folded his arms. A bundle of clouds drifted over the sun. A cool breeze fluttered the back of his shirt. “I understand your confusion. This isn’t easy for me either. There’s something I…haven’t told you, Gray.”

  My pulsed raced from his foreboding words. I stood and walked up behind him. The dimmed sky ran a chill over my skin, and I crossed my arms. “What…what is it?”

  “I’m sorry. I wish I could give you some sort of reassurance…some kind of explanation that makes sense to you right now, but, I can’t. There are some things I simply can’t talk to you about now…and some, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to talk about.”

  Part of me wanted to ease the hurt and confusion that radiated from Daniel. The other part of me felt like tearing into him. He wouldn’t accept me now, though, so the latter took over. “That’s so unfair.” My voice cracked, but I continued. “I opened up to you, Daniel. When it was so damned painful, I thought my heart would split in two. And now, after what we shared last night, you’re telling me I’m shut out?”

  He ran his fingers through his hair and down to his neck. His head fell back as if he were searching the sky for answers while my heart lingered in the balance.

  “I just want to be close to you.” I smoothed my hand up his back. “Any way you’ll let me.” Slowly, he turned to face me. When our eyes met, mine begged for him to hold me, to forget all the words spoken this morning. To be together like we were last night.

  Seconds ticked away as I stared into those midnight blue pools that had suddenly turned glassy. I reached up, brushing my thumb across his chin and running my fingers from his face to his neck. His hand caught my wrist and jerked me into him, his other arm whipping behind my waist. I gasped at his unexpected force. Anger, frustration, lust, and fear all seemed to vie for the spotlight in his expression. His mouth came down hard on mine; lust coursed through my veins. My arms snaked around his neck, as our kissing grew frantic. A hungry hand shoved under my shirt and groped at my bare breast, lighting a fire between my thighs. Daniel backed me toward the house until the sliding door stopped us. His hand came out of my top to slide the door open and then landed on my hip. We both stepped inside, rejoining our mouths the instant we lost connection.

  Hands landed firmly on my flushed cheeks, pulling my needy mouth from his. His forehead pressed into mine as we both panted into each other’s parted lips. “Please, Daniel,” I whispered. The regret in his eyes was too much for me, so I let my lids fall closed. A feathery brush of his lips touched mine briefly, and then they were gone. “I’m sorry, Gray.”

  His hands fell from my face. I opened my eyes to him turning his back to go close the door—a painfully symbolic visual. He returned and took my hand. “I have no excuses for my weakness.”

  “Don’t apologize for something we both wanted.”

  “About what you said before. I know it’s unfair. And I know it doesn’t make sense. You just have to trust me.” He pulled me into a desperate embrace. As much as I wanted to fight him, I did trust him. I rested my weary head on his shoulder.

  “I do trust you, but this doesn’t make sense to me, not to mention it kills like a mother.”

  “I know. Please, don’t ever regret opening up to me.”

  I pulled back, so he could see the sincerity in my face. “I know it was my choice from the beginning. You never pressured me, and in the end it’s what has helped me the most. I can’t expect you to do the same…I know it’s not the same. But…I don’t understand why I’m not worth fighting for.” I broke from him and walked to the back door, looking out to hide the tears of rejection I fought.

  His arms encircled me from behind. “Of course, you’re worth fighting for, Gray. In a way, that’s what I’m doing. I’m fighting for you. And that might not mean being together right now.”

  I twisted in his arms, so I faced him. “What does that even mean?”

  “I asked you before to trust me.” His arms left me as he turned to open the door and go back outside. I waited while he gathered his files, papers, and phone. Back inside, he set them onto the kitchen counter and picked up a piece of paper. “Do you trust me, Gray?”

  That got more difficult by the minute. “What’s that?” I shook my head as heat rushed to my face when he handed me the list of names and numbers. Déjà vu in the worst way. “No,” I said matter-of-factly, shoving the paper back at him.

  He dove his hands into his pockets. “Gray, this is a step in the right direction.”

  “Talk about adding insult to injury, Daniel. I don’t need or want to see anyone else. I’m not even sure I need to keep seeing you…in that way.”

  Doubt spread over his face so quickly he had no time to cover. “I’m being cautious. For your sake.”

  The realization that this was going fucking nowhere finally slapped me in the face. I pushed past him toward the bedroom, letting the paper slip to the carpet. “Enough. Look, Dr. Harrison. Pick up the needle already.” His footsteps paced behind me. He stopped in the doorway. Without any hesitation, I pulled the sweats off me and yanked his shirt over my head, letting them both fall to the floor. I caught his stare run over my naked body, but I steeled myself for fear of another letdown. “That song is played out.” I grabbed my clothes and made a clumsy attempt at putting myself back together.

  “We don’t have to make any decisions yet.”

  “Oh, yeah? Because I think you made your decision the second you left me alone in that bed.”

  He shook his head, discouraged. “Please, take some time. Think about how far you’ve come. The progress you’ve—”

  “You’ve done a wonderful job, thank you. And now, it’s time to pass the buck on to some other unsuspecting schmuck I can seduce.” Fully dressed, I gathered my purse and phone and walked to the bedroom door where Daniel stood blocking my way.

  “Gray?”

  “I really have to go, Daniel.” I avoided his apologetic gaze. When he moved aside, a tinge of guilt seeped into my vengeful tirade, stalling my feet in the hallway. “Look…Don’t beat yourself up about this. I’ll get over it.” I made my way back to the living room, bent down to snatch the paper from the carpet, and walked out of Daniel’s life, my paltry existence clipping at my heels.

  CHAPTER 31

  --------------------------

  I pounded on the door forcefully, the pain of rejection gaining momentum with every second.

  “Don
’t hate me,” I said when the door flew open presenting a startled Nathan and music playing in the background. I’d seen that expression before when I’d arrived unannounced and he’d been entertaining. It was the last thing I needed at the moment.

  “Gray? What’s wrong?” He tossed a hand through this hair and a quick glance over his shoulder before turning his culpable expression back to me.

  My stomach churned with humiliation. “Uh…I’m sorry I didn’t call first. You know, it’s not a big deal. I can come back if this is a bad time.”

  “No…no, it’s fine.”

  Footsteps sounded before a hand appeared above Nathan’s on the door, pulling it wider. “Hey, baby. Good to see you again.”

  My mouth rounded as my eyes narrowed at Nathan. He in turn shot a look at Kevin. “Seriously?” I said to him.

  Kevin smiled, and then head bobbed between the staring war going on between Nathan and me. “Well, I can see you two need to talk. I was about to head out anyway.”

  He squeezed by Nathan and brushed against me as he stepped into the hall. “Sorry we couldn’t make it happen the other night, sweetheart,” he said softly before walking away.

  A slow blink and light head shake told Nathan what I thought.

  “Are you coming in or not?”

  “Obviously, we have more to talk about than I planned.”

  Inside, I eyed the open beer sitting on the kitchen counter. At least I’d only spotted one. Nathan went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of iced tea, handing it to me without a word. I didn’t fight the smile that played at my lips from the familiar gesture. We’d spent many occasions on his couch, me with a tea and Nathan chugging a massive energy drink, wishing they were cocktails. A few of those times were after a night of cocktails, but who’s counting.

  He wore a white undershirt that hugged his well-built torso, along with a spotless pair of white pants. His chef’s jacket hung from a hanger on the back of a chair. “What time do you have to work?”

  “Three.”

  Before his ass hit the cushions, I was on it, struggling to keep the frustration from my voice. “So, is this a guy thing…or a brother thing? Because either way I’m not sure I get it.”

  “I know that’s not what you came to talk about.”

  “You kicked his ass because of me. Now you two are over here like you’re best buddies having a sleepover.”

  He chuckled. “He came to apologize. What could I do? He’s still my brother.”

  “What can you do? Um…in your own words, how about ‘stay strong’ like you told me?”

  “I know. My eyes are open, Gray. But he told me some things today. And I think this time he might be trying to change.”

  I reached over and placed my hand over the top of his. “Please…be careful. I mean, you don’t know for sure. It could all be bullshit. What if he’s just playing you? Trying to pull you in.”

  He picked up my hand in his and rubbed it before pulling me into him. “Don’t worry.” His confident words told soothingly into my ear didn’t alleviate my concern. “When it comes to my brother, I won’t take any chances.”

  “Famous last words,” I said, pulling back away.

  “Hey, trust me…you’re important to me. I won’t let him hurt you. Now, tell me why you’re here.”

  My hands fell to my lap, and I stared down at them.

  “What’s the matter? You and Dr. Loverboy have a fight?”

  My gaze traveled up to meet his, the answer evident inside it.

  “Shit, that’s it.” He sighed and turned his body forward before looking back to me, pain coloring his dark brown eyes. “You’ve really got a thing for this guy?”

  “I…I’m sorry. You know how much I care about you, Nathan.”

  “Right…just not as much as the good doctor.” The flippant tone couldn’t hide the hurt. “What happened? He leave you all alone on his shrink couch after he took advantage of you?”

  In a nutshell. My eyes watered. I rested my elbow on the back of the couch and stuck my chin in my palm, focusing on keeping my breathing steady.

  Nathan shifted his body back in my direction. “Shit, Gray. What can I say? I’m fucking jealous. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault. It’s mine, obviously.”

  “What’s obvious is he’s an idiot. What’s the problem?”

  “The usual. Boy meets crazy girl…”

  “If you say he thinks you’re not good enough for him, I’ll beat his ass worse than what I gave Kevin.”

  I squinted and grinned, thankful I had Nathan to keep me sane. Without him, I might have gone through with what I’d threatened Daniel with. “It’s not that, exactly. It’s like he’s afraid of something, but he won’t come out and say it. And he thinks I see him as some sort of hero or savior, so I’m not able to trust my own feelings. I think part of it is that he’s worried I’m reacting to my past. Trying to hide or mask the pain or something.”

  “Oh…you’ve never done that before.”

  I shoved his shoulder in mock irritation. “That’s helpful.”

  “Did you ever think it’s possible he’s right?”

  I shot him a warning, but he continued, more determined. “Think about it. At least with us, we’re on the same playing field. We have a connection based on similar life experiences, situations…” A sexy grin formed on his lips. “Mutual sexual attraction. He’s not like us, Gray.”

  I closed my eyes, not wanting to hurt him, but at the same time craving the comfort he always provided. The back of his fingers brushed down my cheek. “I could make you as happy as he could…and I’m here.”

  I took hold of his wrist, opened my eyes to meet his. “You already make me happy.” I smiled. “But, Nathan…would you really want me now?”

  The smile that came back to me overflowed with warmth. “I always want you, Gray. Always have. But, not like this. Not because you can’t have him.”

  Moisture formed in my lashes, my heart tender and bleeding for two men I couldn’t make happy.

  “Don’t cry,” he said in a sweet whisper. “We never made any promises, remember?”

  Blinking sent a drip down my cheek. Nathan moved to wipe it. “You’re going to be fine. We both will.” His thumb rubbed across my cheek, he leaned in and pressed a kiss to it. “We take care of each other, yeah?”

  All I could manage were a nod and a breath.

  “I really don’t hate him, you know.”

  “I know you don’t.”

  “And probably he really cares about you and doesn’t want to screw it up.”

  “Maybe. Or, I’m the one who’d screw it up.”

  “Then don’t.”

  “Oh, great plan.”

  “What I mean is, you were never ready to jump into anything with me. Not because I’m not an awesome guy, but because you were afraid of what might happen.”

  This man knew how to make me smile, and I nodded in agreement.

  “Just take your time. Get right with yourself. You don’t even know what you want to do with your life.”

  “Maybe you should have taken psychology instead of cooking.”

  “I’m multi-talented. And I can tell Dr. Dan’s an okay guy. But, I bet he couldn’t make a dobos torte for shit.”

  I kissed him on the cheek before hugging him tight around the neck. “I’m sure you’re right about that.”

  * * *

  After my talk with Nathan the day before, I woke feeling the urge to get away. To seek some peace, clear my head. I hadn’t devised a plan for where I’d go or what I’d do, but somehow the car took me in the direction I needed to go. Before long, I felt the place calling me. I rolled the windows down, inviting the crisp fall air to pebble my skin with goose bumps.

  Less than an hour later, I arrived at a spot that held one of my most precious memories. A time when I remember being truly and deeply happy.

  The wind picked up as I sat directly on the cold sand, facing the raucous of building waves. I let my mind
drift back to the day the three of us walked, talked, and planned for Noah’s arrival. I recalled my mother sitting in a chair while my father and I attempted to dig a tunnel. And when the waves washed it away too quickly, Dad and I scrambled to pull Mom up before the puddles soaked the bottom of her sundress. The delight in her eyes was as clear to me in the memory as it was that day. My father kissed her cheek and gently palmed her round belly, bringing her smile and expression to new heights. This man hadn’t lulled us into submission with deceit and lies; he’d done it with love and security. And if a terrible family tragedy seized that man and replaced him with another, then in a way his sole crime had been weakness. Something I myself had been guilty of countless times. If I was ever going to forgive myself…if I ever hoped that others would forgive me…I had to forgive my dad.

  I plugged my earbuds into my phone, stuck one in each ear, and tapped my favorite playlist before heading off down the beach. Long, swirly clouds covered the sun from time to time, but the dark, watery horizon was just as beautiful. Following the expansive stretch of beach, I ended up at the rocky cliffs, which attracted tourists for pictures and whale watching. This time of year showed a less than generous turnout, so I managed to find a quiet spot to look over the ocean.

  I closed my eyes and basked in the warmth of the sun radiating against the rocks, then once again the light dimmed, drawing a chill to my arms. But when I opened them, it wasn’t the clouds that had provided the covering. The tall figure in front of me looked down with a friendly smile.

  “You came,” I said softly.

  “How could I say no?” Dad said.

  He took the seat next to me, and for the next few minutes, we did nothing but stare out to the endless stretch of sea. I knew he was waiting for me, but I felt a sense of calm rather than tension. When the words finally came, they poured out slowly at first, and then my pace quickened with vigor, cleansing each verse. I told him about the visions, when they started, and how I pushed them away with alcohol and substance abuse. I didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes, but I looked anyway. He deserved for his pain to be acknowledged, too. I shared my journey through AA and how things seemed to be getting better after and with Nathan, although I admitted to him my less than favorable behavior served as a substitute for alcohol and as a denial mechanism.