Take a Gamble

by Rachael Brownell

  “Seriously!”

  “Look, I wanted to tell you but Alexa thought it would be better to wait and tell you later. Then, later became much later and then it became too late.”

  “Why?”

  “I needed to know that you were okay.”

  “So, she told you that I went through treatment again?”

  “Yeah. She kept me posted about your progress.”

  “And after I beat it? What then?”

  “Then she made rules.”

  He’s still staring at his hands but looks up when I burst out laughing. Leave it to Alexa to make rules.

  “Of course she did. What were the rules?”

  “Are you sure you want to know?”

  “Yes. Maybe it will help me to understand why she kept us apart all this time.”

  “I always wondered that myself.” He pauses but I don’t say anything. I purse my lips and nod my head. He needs to keep talking and he understands that. “Alright. Well, at first it was to keep me posted about how you were doing. We would talk maybe once a week, twice if things weren’t going good. Then, after you were better, she tried to get me to come visit but I knew you wouldn’t want to see me. I knew you would be mad. By the time I changed my mind, you were getting ready to go off to college and I didn’t want to turn your world upside down. So, I went to the beach to be with you.”

  “But I wasn’t with you.”

  “No, but your memory was. I decided that if I couldn’t be with you that I would at least celebrate your memory. So, I went to the beach that first summer for my birthday. I got a call from Alexa right after I got home telling me she thought you had gone to the beach to find me a few weeks earlier.

  “I wanted to see you but she wouldn’t tell me where you were going to college. That’s when she made the rules. Rule 1: no personal information. I wasn’t allowed to tell her where I was going to school and she wasn’t going to divulge anything about your whereabouts. Rule 2: if she knew that you were headed to the beach, she wouldn’t tell me. She seemed to think we would find each other on our own, in our own time.”

  He smiles at me. Damn her! She was right.

  “Rule 3: no talk about significant others. Basically, she was allowed to tell me that you were fine, safe, happy, but she wouldn’t tell me if you were seeing anyone and I wasn’t allowed to share that information with her. She wanted to stay unbiased,” Roe tells me.

  “That all sounds like her. She’s become even more of a control freak over the years. It also explains a lot about weird questions she would ask me. Advice she would gave makes more sense now,” I say.

  “Well, she let it slip a few weeks ago that you were engaged. She was freaking out that you were getting married and we hadn’t found each other. I kind of flipped out on her and told her I would call her when I wanted to speak to her again.”

  “Have you called her yet?”

  “No. I’m still a little pissed at her for breaking her own rules.”

  “I think we should call her,” I say.

  “Now? Isn’t it after ten in Boston?” He’s looking at the clock, trying to calculate the time difference.

  “I don’t care. I think you should call her and apologize.”

  “I thought you said that we should call her.”

  Instead of responding, I hand him his phone which was sitting on the coffee table in front of us and grin at him deviously. This is going to be so much fun. Alexa is going to shit her pants.

  ROE

  I don’t know what she’s up to but her grin is contagious. I smile back at her and watch as she takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out. I love that I still have that effect on her. I wish I could kiss her right now. I’m aching for her.

  I do as I’m told and dial Alexa’s number. Mac grabs the phone out of my hand as soon as I hit send and puts it on speaker. It rings twice before Alexa picks up.

  “Hello?” she’s screaming over the background noise. It sounds like she’s at a bar and she sounds drunk.

  “Hey. Go outside. I need to talk to you,” I yell at the phone.

  “Hold on.” I hear her talking to someone on the other end of the line and then the music starts to fade a little.

  “So,” she finally says. “Are you still mad at me?”

  “A little but that’s not why I’m calling.” I shoot a glance over at Mac who’s staring at me and smiling. She waves her hand at me to continue but I don’t really know what else to say. I can’t just blurt out that I found Mac and by the way she’s sitting next to me on my couch right now.

  “Why are you calling then? Can it wait until tomorrow? I’m a little drunk and I don’t want to accidentally tell you something I’m not supposed to like the last time we talked.”

  “He could wait until tomorrow but then you would be really mad at him for not telling you.”

  Silence. I’ve never had a conversation with Alexa where I have shocked her into blissful silence. It goes on so long that I’m starting to wonder if she’s still on the other end of the line. Then I hear it. She’s crying.

  “Mac? Please tell me that’s your voice I heard.”

  “It’s me. Anything you want to tell me?” I hear that Mac’s not angry but I have a feeling Alexa’s not really sure. She’s quiet for another minute before speaking.

  “I love you.”

  “Love you too. Call me tomorrow when you wake up, okay?”

  “Yeah. Hey, Roe?”

  “What’s up, Alexa?”

  “I’m glad you finally found her.”

  “Me too.” And I am. I hang up the phone and pull Mac onto my lap. I can’t control myself any longer. It’s too hard.

  “Mac, I love you more than I can even begin to describe so I’m not going to try. What I would like to do is show you exactly how much I missed you. I want to kiss you. Can I do that?”

  Her smile is sad. I know that she’s thinking about him. I know she’s weighing what is right versus what she wants. Then, she pulls out her phone and slides off my lap. I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad one. I let her go but I keep her in my sights.

  I watch as she paces my kitchen, talking in hushed whispers. She’s upset, that much I can tell from the way her body sags. I wonder what that douchebag is saying to her. I should have beat his ass the second he put his hands on her. If he left marks I will find him and make him pay.

  She’s on the phone for more than an hour, pacing the entire time. I heard her start crying a few minutes ago and it took everything I had to not run to her and comfort her. I know she needs to do this alone but I can’t stand the sound of her crying. It breaks my heart.

  She finally comes back into the living room and crawls directly onto my lap. I don’t say anything. I wrap my arms around her and hold her while she cries. Whatever just happened, I can feel the change in the room. It feels as though I had something to do with it even though I wasn’t involved in the conversation at all.

  I wait until she stops crying before I speak. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “There’s not much to talk about. He wanted to know more about who you were to me and I told him. He doesn’t understand our relationship. He doesn’t understand why I’ve held on to you for all these years.”

  “He doesn’t have to understand us.”

  “I know, but I was hoping he would get it. I was hoping he would understand so that I didn’t feel so bad.”

  She feels bad? About what? Does this mean what I think it means? Is she done with him?

  “What do you feel bad about, Mac?” I try to keep my voice even but I can’t hide the hope, the excitement.

  Instead of answering, she turns in my arms and gently presses her lips to mine. That’s all the answer I need. I flip her onto her back and crush my mouth against hers. I want to go slow, to savor every moment with her, but my body has other plans. It remembers, Mac, and it’s not obeying the speed limit.

  I pull back for a second and look to see fresh tears forming in her eyes. “What�
�s wrong?”

  “Nothing. These are happy tears,” she replies as she sniffles and wipes the tears cascading down her cheeks. I reach up and grab a stray, wiping it away with my thumb while caressing her cheek at the same time.

  “I’m glad you’re happy.”

  “Of course I’m happy. Aren’t you?”

  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yes, very happy. I couldn’t be any happier. Remember when I told that you were the first girl who make me want to take a gamble on anything?” She nods so I continue. “You’re the only girl who has ever made me feel that way. So, I took a gamble on us and look how it turned out. Here we are, together, finally, and you’re underneath me. I’d say I won the jackpot.”

  “Such a way with words, Mr. Gamble. How about you shut up and take me to bed.”

  I grin at her, pick her up and do exactly that. I’m not wasting any more time. I’ve finally found her, she’s here and I’m never letting her go again. That’s for damn sure.

  Being with Mac again has been unreal. It’s been almost two weeks now and she’s basically moved in with me. I’ve never wanted to live with someone else before. I chose not to live in the dorm. I chose to have a one bedroom apartment.

  Now, when Mac’s not here, I feel alone. My apartment feels too big, too empty. I’m on the verge of asking her to move in permanently but I know it’s too soon for her.

  We were both in relationships but hers was far more involved than mine. It’s taking a toll on her, knowing that Wes is suffering. I know she doesn’t love him, I could tell that the first time I saw them interact; that doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad for being the hurricane which came through and destroyed their relationship.

  Who am I kidding? I’m glad I found her when I did. If we hadn’t seen each other that day, if it had been a year from now or even a month from now, she would have been married to the douchebag. Then, breaking up their marriage, I would have felt bad. Not now, though. I got lucky to find her when I did and I plan to spend the rest of my life showing her how much I missed her.

  She should be here any minute. Her class got out two hours ago and then she said she needed to go over to Wes’ place to get some of her things. I offered to go with her but she thought that was a bad idea. She’s right, it would have been a bad idea, but after the way he yanked her around at the football game, I’m uneasy about her being there alone.

  I channel surf and wait. She should have been here by now. I call but it goes straight to voicemail. I wish she would keep her phone charged. I should probably buy her a charging station for here so her phone doesn’t continue to die. I’ll add it to my growing list of things that I want to buy her to keep here.

  I wait an hour and try calling her again. Voicemail.

  I’m getting antsy. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be here by now. It doesn’t take more than two hours to pick up a few things. I need to find her. I can feel that something isn’t right.

  I call Alexa. She has no idea where Wes lives. All she knows is that he rents a house close to campus with a few friends. She sounds distracted and doesn’t even ask why I need to know. I want to tell her but I also don’t want to worry her. The only thing she can offer me is Hailey’s phone number. Maybe she can help. She lives with Mac, after all.

  Hailey doesn’t answer so I leave a short message and ask her to call me back. Then I wait and pace my living room. It’s getting dark outside and she’s still not here. I haven’t spoken to her since a little after 1:00pm this afternoon when she was headed over to douchebag’s house. Maybe I should call the police.

  I reach for my phone when it rings in my hand. I look down and see Hailey is calling me back.

  “Hello.”

  “Roe? This is Hailey, Mac’s roommate.”

  “Hey. Have you heard from her today? She was supposed to be here hours ago and I can’t get ahold of her.”

  “No. The last time I saw her she was headed to your place and that was last week. She hasn’t even called me since to let me know she’s alive.” You can hear the humor in her voice. I know she’s happy for us.

  I can’t suppress the grin that forms. We’ve been busy the last few weeks. She hasn’t had time to do much besides go to class and that’s if she goes to class. I’ve been skipping most of mine.

  “Well, she said she was stopping at Wes’ place on her way back here from class to pick up a few things and she’s not here yet. That was like…” I pause and look up at the clock. Shit! “That was almost seven hours ago. Any idea where the douchebag lives?”

  “Yeah. Why don’t I go over there and see if she’s still there. I’ll have her call you if I find her.”

  “Bring her phone charger with you. I’m sure her phone is dead. It keeps going straight to voicemail.”

  “Sure. It only takes me a few minutes to get there from here. We’ll call you soon.”

  I hang up and resume pacing my living room. My phone doesn’t ring. Not five minutes later. Not an hour later. When it finally does, Hailey’s voice is the one I hear.

  My knees buckle and I fall to the ground as I hear what she’s telling me. Mac is gone. Wes is gone. No one has seen them since this afternoon when they left together. No one knows where they were headed or when they are planning on coming back. No one knows anything.

  Mac’s gone again. That’s the only thing I know for sure. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it was by choice but I can’t imagine that it was. What I do know is that this time, I won’t let it take four years for me to find her.

  MAC

  Ugh! I’ve been having such a great few weeks. This is the last thing I wanted to do today, but Wes said it had to be today. Apparently he needs me to pick up my stuff so he doesn’t have to be reminded of me anymore. I understand but I don’t really want to see him yet.

  Roe offered to go with me and I thought about it for a split second before declining his offer. It will only make things awkward for everyone. It’s bad enough that I feel awkward going over there after dating Wes for almost eighteen months, after almost marrying him.

  Yeah, that didn’t go over well with my parents. I called them the day after I broke it off with Wes. I had planned on calling them that night, after I got my emotions in check, but Roe had other plans for us. Plans that I had no objection to. Plus, I never expected Wes to call my parents. He did, though.

  Needless to say, my parents were not thrilled with my decision to back out on the wedding. Wes didn’t mention to them why I called the wedding off. He left that for me to do. I’m not sure if that was his way of punishing me or if he wasn’t sure if Roe was the reason. When you boil it down, Roe’s not the reason at all. I am. Seeing Roe again confirmed the fact that I wasn’t in love with Wes. He didn’t possess my heart like a husband should. He didn’t make my spine tingle or give me goose bumps by walking into the room. His presence didn’t overwhelm me. He was just Wes.

  I explained the entire situation to my parents, thinking that maybe they would be less upset if they knew the real reason I called the wedding off. They blamed Roe. I told him that and he shrugged his shoulders. He could care less.

  “Let them point the finger at me if that makes them feel better. I don’t care. I got the bride.” Damn that sexy-as-hell grin. The combination of his sweet words and that grin led us back to the bedroom until the next morning. That’s been happening a lot lately.

  I’ve spent almost every waking moment of my time with Roe. Actually, I’ve spent pretty much all my time with him, awake or not. It feels like I’ve moved into his apartment sometimes. He gave me a key so I could come and go. I’ve only used it once and it felt weird. I try to make sure he’s going to be there if I’m there. Plus, his apartment feels empty when he’s not there. I always feel like something is missing if I’m there by myself. I feel out of place.

  That feeling is starting to go away more and more each day, and I’m finding that when I leave class my car takes me to Roe’s place instead of my own most of the time. I don’t even think a
bout it, I just drive and that’s where I end up.

  I know Roe is more than okay with me being there. Every time we start talking about the future, I change the subject. I keep thinking he’s going to ask me to move in with him and I don’t know if it’s a good idea yet. It’s only been a couple of weeks. I want to, I know that much, but it seems like it might be a little too soon. I don’t want to rush things with him.

  Things are perfect the way they are right now. We’re spending a lot of time together, getting to know each other again. He amazes me more and more every day. He’s the exact same person I fell in love that summer but completely different at the same time.

  Last week, when we finally sat down and started talking about how we got to where we are today was when I realized that we were truly meant to be together. There must have been a divine force, not Alexa, driving us together. How else could we have ended up at schools which are less than fifty miles apart?

  When I told him about choosing Berkeley because it was in California, I felt stupid. He knew why I wanted to go to California. Him. He was the only thing about California which appealed to me. He was the reason I wanted Berkeley.

  He also applied to Berkeley. His parents made him though. He wanted to go to Stanford. It wasn’t until his senior year of high school that Stanford “felt right” to him but he knew that it had to do with me. He thought maybe he would find me there. Well, in a way he did, just not the way he planned.

  We talked about how we both would go back to Myrtle Beach very summer. My jaw hit the floor when he told me we had just missed each other this past summer. If I had stayed he would have been there. It must have been him in the airport. I wanted to ask him but he started to nibble on my shoulder at that point and I knew our conversation was over. I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than the feel of his mouth on my skin.

  I pull up in front of Wes’ house and my heart sinks. I feel awful for the way things happened. I didn’t plan it. I never thought I would find Roe again so I never told Wes about Roe. In the end, it didn’t matter, though. I couldn’t have avoided hurting him. There was no way. I also couldn’t have avoided falling back in love with Roe the second I looked into his eyes again. I got lost in them and that’s where I want to stay for the rest of my life. Lost in Roe’s eyes.