by Minot, Diana
“So,” her mother said, “Have you met any nice boys in law school?”
“Mom!” Whitney protested. She knew her parents wanted her to find someone and settle down. They, like most couples with children her age, were itching for grandbabies. If they had it their way, she would be marrying a lawyer instead of trying to become one. Their dreams for her involved staying at home, raising several babies, and lovingly cooking and cleaning for her doting husband. They had given up overtly saying this, but still always asked her if she had “met someone.” Whitney was not about to confide in them about Ben. If she said one word about liking someone, that would be all they could talk about with her for months to come.
“I’m focusing on law school right now,” was all Whitney said.
“Well, just don’t focus too much on that and let the rest of your life pass you by,” her mom replied. Whitney resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She did not want to get into a fight with her parents on Christmas, especially right after they had made an effort to give her a meaningful gift. She opted to change the subject instead.
“I know, Mom. Now let’s get this wrapping paper cleaned up so I can get some more coffee. I can never get enough caffeine these days,” Whitney said, and started gathering up the wrapping paper strewn around the Christmas tree.
After the mess was cleaned up, Whitney decided to go for a run and went back to her room to change into workout clothes. She picked up her phone and saw she had a text from Ben. With excited fingers, she swiped to unlock her phone and read the text. Merry Christmas. It was not much, but it was something. At least he was not ignoring her!
Whitney laced up her running shoes with a smile and headed out into the mild Texas winter. It was forty-five degrees outside, which felt tropical after the bitter cold of Chicago. Whitney had been told by veteran Chicagoans that she had not seen the worst of it yet. “Wait until February,” they would say, shaking their head sympathetically at the poor Texas girl. All Whitney knew right now was that she was going to enjoy going for a run without feeling as though needles were piercing her lungs with each breath. She hated running on a treadmill, but she was not sure how much longer she could stand running outside in Chicago.
Whitney’s feet pounded the pavement rhythmically as she began her run. There was almost no other sound, and Whitney was left alone with her thoughts, interrupted only here and there by the faint sound of children’s laughter echoing from a backyard. She reflected on the year that was ending. There had been many difficult moments, but she had accomplished a lot, too. Although New Year’s Day was still a week away, Whitney decided to make a New Year’s Resolution to be more confident next year. It was an abstract resolution, true. But confidence was something Whitney knew she needed to practice. What was it they always said? “Fake it until you make it?” That’s what she was going to do.
Whitney was determined to make it.
Chapter Eighteen
The rest of winter break flew by, and Whitney soon found herself on a plane back to Chicago. She dreaded returning to the cold and snow, but she looked forward to catching up with Elise and Jamie. Elise had texted Jamie and Whitney to set up brunch the weekend before classes resumed. On the last Saturday morning of winter break, Whitney slid into a tiny booth at a new brunch spot Elise had scoped out.
Elise was very tan, and Whitney was openly jealous. “You look amazing, Elise. Must be nice to not be as white as a ghost like the rest of us.”
“Hey now, speak for yourself. I prefer to refer to my skin as ‘porcelain’ rather than ghost-like!” Jamie said.
“Oh my word, you two! I wish you could have been there. It was fabulous to not turn into an icicle as soon as you go outside. And…” Elise said, her voice taking on a devious tone, “I got you guys something!” Elise reached into her large tote bag and pulled out two adorable gift bags. One bag was printed with a beach snowman made out of sand and wearing giant sunglasses. The other bag had a drawing of a reindeer lounging in a beach chair with a tropical cocktail.
“These are so cute!” Whitney said.
Elise pushed the bags toward Whitney and Jamie. “Open them!”
The two did as they were told, and inside each bag was a chocolate gift set, tied with a turquoise ribbon.
“It’s Dutch chocolate! So yummy! It’s everywhere in Aruba, and I ate so much of it while I was there. I fell in love with the chocolate from one shop in particular and couldn’t possibly not bring some back to share with you guys!”
“Thank-you!” Jamie said. “This is so adorable!”
“Thanks!” Whitney said. “And I agree. This gift set is so cute. But, I didn’t get you anything!”
Elise waved her hand at her. “Don’t be silly. It’s not a big gift. I just wanted you two to be able to try out this chocolate! Now! Tell me about your breaks! I’ve missed you both so much!”
Jamie laughed. “My break was the usual. Too many family members crammed into my parents’ home for too long. I wanted to pull my hair out by the end of it. I saw Lincoln, though. I guess his parents are divorced and his mom recently moved to New York City. He was spending the holidays with her this year. He doesn’t know anyone in the city, so he tagged along a lot of the time when I was hanging out with my friends.”
“Aw, that’s so nice of you,” Elise said. “I hope he was not a ball of nerves the whole break like he is during school.”
“No, he was relaxed, actually. He’s a lot of fun when he isn’t obsessing over what Professor Neals thinks of him.”
“Ugh, don’t mention Professor Neals,” Whitney said, and groaned.
“Hey, Missy, you don’t get to complain about Professor Neals. You never even got called on in his class, you lucky bitch!” Elise said.
“That doesn’t mean I did not live in fear of it every single day!” Whitney said.
“True. But I had it worse than anyone since I got called on the first day,” Elise said. “Anyways, the good news is that we have all new classes this semester so we never have to be in a classroom with him again. What a horrid, grumpy old man!”
Jamie and Whitney laughed.
“Well, just don’t tell Lincoln that you think Professor Neals is horrid,” Jamie said. “He practically worships the ground that man walks on!”
“Enough about Professor Neals. I don’t even want to think about him,” Elise said. “What about Alex? Has anyone heard from him?”
“Why?” Jamie asked, her voice teasing. “Are you still wanting to hit that?”
“Oh, grow up, Jamie. I should have never said anything. I just think he’s hot, because he is. But he’s not my type. I was just wondering how our friend Alex is doing.”
“I texted with him a lot,” Whitney said. “He was in New Mexico with his family for Christmas, and he was excited to eat at all of his favorite restaurants there. He kept texting me pictures of random food and saying how it was the best meal he’d had in ages. Judging by the dramatic texts he sent, he had at least ten of the best meals of his life in the last two weeks.”
Elise laughed. “That is so Alex!”
Whitney wondered if Elise was more into Alex than she would admit. It was strangely unsettling to think of Elise and Alex as a couple. They did not seem to fit together, although Whitney had to admit they would be an exceptionally gorgeous duo. Alex was good-looking, and Elise was objectively one of the most beautiful girls Whitney had ever met. Whitney tried to remember if she had ever seen Elise overtly flirting with Alex, but she could not think of a single occasion.
“What about you, Whitney? How was your winter break?” Elise asked, breaking into Whitney’s thoughts.
Whitney shrugged. She did not have much news to report back from Texas. “Eh, it was okay. Just the usual awkward time with my parents. And I found out my ex-boyfriend is now engaged, so that’s always fun.”
“Well, his loss that he didn’t choose you!” Elise said. Elise knew about the Ethan saga, and was dutifully a hater of all things Ethan. “Speaking of boys, did you talk
to Ben at all over break?”
“Not really. I texted him ‘Merry Christmas’ and he texted the same thing back, but that was it.” Whitney had updated Elise and Jamie by text about Ben’s apology at the bar after finals, but had not had a chance to talk to them in person about it until now. “I don’t want to push things too quickly. I don’t know if that’s why he got scared off last time.”
“I say make it clear that you’re interested,” Elise said. “I think he apologized because he wants you back, but he was feeling too guilty and embarrassed to say that directly.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe he wants to be just friends and that was his way of telling me,” Whitney said.
“Honestly, Whitney, I think you can do better,” Jamie piped in. “I think Ben is an okay guy, but he needs to get his shit together and decide what he wants. He clearly has not done that. I mean, yes, he’s gorgeous. But there are a lot of guys at this school, and in Chicago in general, who are good-looking. Don’t just settle for Ben because he’s a good piece of eye-candy.”
“Oh, come on, Jamie! I don’t just like Ben for his hot ass. He’s a great guy. He’s smart, he’s funny, and he’s nice!”
“Oh really?” Jamie challenged, not willing to let this go so easily. “There are a lot of other cute, smart, funny guys out there. And I’m going to disagree with you on the ‘Ben’s nice’ line.”
Whitney crossed her arms. “He is nice.”
“I don’t think so. I think he used you. You’ve admitted yourself that the thought has crossed your mind. He was only interested in you during midterms because he slacked off and was behind in his notes. He needed help from someone who was smart and would have detailed notes to share.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Whitney said. “He didn’t have to go as far as trying to sleep with me if he just wanted study notes.”
“Here we go again,” Elise said, dropping her head down on the table in frustration.
“Look, I’m just trying to watch out for you,” Jamie said. “I think you have better options.”
Whitney crossed her arms in defiance. She was angry that Jamie had accused Ben of using her, but all of her friends had accused Ben of this since midterms. If Whitney was honest, she remembered the occasions the possibility had nagged at her, too. But Ben had since apologized and explained that he was overwhelmed, and Whitney had chosen to believe him. She did not want to keep rehashing the theory that Ben just wanted her study notes. He was a good guy and she liked him. It was her friends’ job to be supportive.
“So, not to change the subject or anything, but have either of you applied for any summer jobs yet?” Elise asked. Obviously, the point was to change the subject. Whitney was fine with that. She was tired of defending Ben.
“I’ve sent out a few applications, but I’m probably going to end up at the same nonprofit where I worked before law school. They said they would create an internship for me in their legal department. They’re just working out the details right now,” Jamie said.
“That’s awesome!” Elise said, then sighed. “I applied to firms, but we all know how rare it is for them to give summer jobs to first year law students. I’ve been applying for internships with government agencies, too.”
When Whitney did not say anything, Jamie prompted her. “What about you, Whitney?”
“Um, I haven’t started applying yet.”
“Really?” Elise asked, looking a little worried. “You know that the earlier you apply the better. The best jobs go quickly.”
“I know. But I don’t know what I want to do next summer,” Whitney said. How could she tell them that between trying to sort through her feelings about Ben and her feelings about not fitting in with the elite law school crowd, she had been too busy to think about what kind of summer job she might want to find? She knew they would not consider that an acceptable excuse, and they were right. It was not.
“The longer you wait to decide and apply, the fewer choices you are going to have,” Elise said. “You’re already too late to have a shot at a job with a large law firm. Everyone who is serious about those jobs applied at the beginning of December.”
“I know,” Whitney said. “But I probably won’t have the grades to work at a firm this summer, and I definitely don’t have the right kind of experience on my résumé for it. I feel like applying for those jobs would just be a waste of my time.”
“So you’re not even going to try? With an attitude like that you won’t get any job. And besides, you have no idea what your grades are yet. They could very well be amazing.”
Every topic of conversation at brunch today was grating on Whitney’s nerves. Elise and Jamie were both giving her advice like they understood what was best for her and what she was capable of doing. But they did not understand. Elise sat across from Whitney with perfectly tan skin and designer clothes. Jamie had an unlimited credit card line with her parents, and did not even have to work to find a job. She was using the perfect job she had before law school to get an easy internship. They acted like they were more adult than she was just because they had more resources than her. Whitney had had enough.
“I’m not like you guys! I don’t have a strong educational background. I’m up against a bunch of people who went to Ivy Leagues, so I doubt my grades are going to fall at the top of the curve. And I just don’t know how to handle this world of overly competitive jobs. You guys have been brought up to understand the game since you were young. You know how to network, and how to perfectly polish a résumé and cover letter. I don’t know how to do any of that! No one ever taught me! My parents want me to stay home and pop out babies, so the only skills they ever taught me were how to clean a house and bake cupcakes.” Whitney finished her tirade and started fishing in her purse for her wallet. She wanted to go home.
Elise looked hurt, and gestured to herself and Jamie. “Whitney, we are trying to help you now. I’m sorry your parents are unsupportive. And, yes, some people here have advantages in their background or bank account. But not everyone. Don’t think everything is automatically easy for me. Even the people who seem to have it all together have their own challenges to face. Life’s not perfect for anyone. We all get dealt shitty hands now and then, some more than others. Don’t give up on the game before you’ve even tried to play it.”
Whitney threw some cash down on the table. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”
“Whitney,” Jamie started. But Whitney just shook her head.
“Don’t you two get it? I’m not like you. And I feel like everything I do is wrong to someone. I should find someone other than Ben to like. I don’t apply for jobs soon enough. My parents think I should not even be in law school. Everyone in my life thinks I’m a failure for some reason or another, and I’m tired of it.”
“Whitney, it’s not like that,” Jamie tried again. Elise just stared at her with a hurt expression on her face.
“I’m sorry. I need some time.” Whitney stood and left the restaurant. She realized her friendship with Elise and Jamie was one of the best things she had in her life right now, and she was jeopardizing it by walking away. But she could not stop herself. She remembered her resolution to be more confident and felt a pang of guilt and regret. This was not a good start to the year. She was getting defensive about the advice her friends gave her because she felt insecure, and she knew it. She considered going back and apologizing, but her pride would not let her. She kept marching forward in the January cold toward her bus stop.
A few moments later, she heard Elise’s voice calling her name. She stopped walking, but did not turn around, and Elise caught up with her, breathless from running.
“What are you doing, Whitney?” Elise asked, her voice sharp. Whitney was surprised. She had never heard Elise sound genuinely angry.
“What do you mean?” Whitney asked, evading the question.
“You know what I mean! Look, I know sometimes things are tough for you. I know this is a different world for you. But you have to decide whether you
want this or not. You can’t keep running away every time someone says something that reminds you that you have a little less money or a little less professional experience than them.
“A lot less,” Whitney corrected her.
“Whatever. The point is, you’re here now. Either be here, or don’t. Jamie and I both love you. We think you’re awesome. Otherwise we wouldn’t hang out with you. We’re not friends with you because we think you’re some kind of charity case. We’re friends with you because we like you. So stop acting like every time we give you advice it’s because we’re trying to look down on you. We’re giving you advice because we’re friends, and that’s what friends do. If you don’t like our advice, then don’t take it. But stop thinking that every suggestion we make is some sort of personal dig at how little money you have.” Elise stood in the middle of the busy Chicago sidewalk, with her hands on her hips and her eyebrows furrowed in anger. Pedestrians stared at them as they walked by, curious what this little catfight might be about.
Whitney did not know what to say. Elise was right, and Whitney knew it. Whitney had to get over the feeling that everyone else thought they were better than her. If she was going to make good on her resolution to be confident this year, she needed to get rid of her inferiority complex and stop running away every time she felt out of place. She made eye contact with Elise, who was waiting impatiently for Whitney’s response.
“Okay,” Whitney said. “I’m sorry. I know you guys are just trying to help me.”
