by J. L. Beck
“It’s not about a boy, it’s about how I needed you as a mother and you were never there for me. You never had time for me, but you had time to lay with a married man. I took the fault for your actions, this is a small town and I go to school with his kids. Corey and Angela have made every day of my life for the last year a living hell and now I know why. You.” I can’t hold the tears back anymore. They fall from my eyes, sobs rake my body and I’m not even sure what makes me sadder, the fact that I’ve been betrayed by my own family or the fact that the last year could’ve been prevented.
“Stop it! You're being beyond immature right now. You need to grow up and learn to deal with these things. If you can’t handle them now you never will be able to.” She acts as if this whole thing is nothing but an inconvenience to her.
“Wow, this is… this is unfuckingbelieveable. I’m immature? What does it make you for sleeping with a married man? You know what… you’re the one that has the growing up to do. So grow up and start being a mom.” I yell unable to hold anything else in. My give- a- shit was busted a long time ago.
“How dare you speak to your mother that way?” She says her throat clogged with emotion. Oh, now she’s going to act as if she cares.
“If you acted like a mother than maybe I would talk to you like one.” I say in a flat whisper. My thoughts are meshed together, and I don’t know where to go from here.
“I’m not the only one at fault here. He wanted to be with me as much as I did him.” My mother pipes in, trying to come up with an excuse for her actions. You see, and that’s the problem here, everyone’s going to think that they have or had a reason to do something. No one thinks about the innocent bystanders that get taken out in the process. In a way, I now understand why Corey’s hate stems so deep, why someone like him would come after me.
“You’re selfish. Both of you are, you never thought to think of the consequences of your actions. The everlasting effect it would have on people.” I say unaffected by her fake crying. I could care less if she’s crying right now. I feel heartless, I feel like someone’s ripped a part of my soul out. This is what ultimate betrayal feels like.
“Jenna, you're my daughter and I love you, we didn’t mean to hurt you or anyone else. He was leaving his wife anyway.” She says, with her fake pitiful crying ringing in my ears. All I hear is excuse, excuse, excuse and I just can’t take it anymore.
“STOP! It’s always an excuse. Just stop, excuses, excuses. Shut up!” I roar. My throat feels raw, and I’m fresh out of tears. If anything, this proved one last thing I ever wanted to hear to be true was that Rex lied to me, and now I want to know why.
***
I go to the school. I know the day has ended. Time has done nothing to calm the raging inferno inside of me, if anything its fueled it more. I park my truck next to Mimi’s jeep and wait for the last bell to ring. I contemplate leaving so many times afraid to hear the truth, but afraid not to.
Mimi walks out with a smile showing on her face. I remember once upon a time when I accused her of lying to me, and she made a big deal about it. Now I know that won't ring true because I’m all but positive the whole school knew about my mom sleeping with Corey’s dad.
“How long have you known?” I ask flatly. The smile from her face dissipates and for a moment she looks confused, and then it’s as if heaven’s light has shown down on her. A fear similar to my mom’s appears on her face and I know she knew.
“Don’t lie to me Mimi, I’m pretty sure everyone's been doing that to me the whole time. It would’ve been nice to at the very fucking least have my best friend on my side.”
Her lips look like they’re moving but I’m just not hearing what she’s saying. Something else has grabbed my attention and is holding it. Rex. The guy I thought I wanted, the guy I thought I could love and seeing him happy, causes a deep internal pain.
“Jenna, I wanted to tell you I swear. I just knew if you knew, this would happen. I didn’t want to cause you anymore pain.” I hear her words, but it’s as if they bounce right off of me. In the end it’s not her I really came here to pay homage to .
She turns around, peeking at Rex over her shoulder. I know she’s going to tell me to stop, I know she’s going to tell me to calm down. I mean after all if I was in her shoes I would do the same thing; but I don’t care, I don’t care what anyone says.
He finally takes notice of us, and makes his way over to our cars. It’s taking everything in me to stay cemented to my spot. I want to lash out so badly.
“Hey babe!” Rex says, smiling down on me. The second he notices the hate in my eyes his smile falls. I’m not sure if he knows I know, but like I said I don’t care.
“Why? That’s all I want to know, and then you can break up with me in front of the whole damn school if you want to. I’m past giving a shit, BUT I want to know why you used me.” His eyes dilate, and glaze over, it looks as if he’s going to cry and then he blinks, and I’m left wondering if I even saw it.
“Uh what are you talking about babe?” He says jokingly looking between Mimi and I as if one of us is messing with him. I’m sizzling like a hot pan. He thinks this is a joke, he thinks this is funny. I’ll show him funny.
“What am I talking about? The better question would be is, what am I not talking about? I trusted you, you promised me. You swore if I gave you time you would be different, you swore you would never hurt me, and look where we are now.” Sobs rack me, as I try to breathe through the words, the wetness on my cheeks a welcoming feeling.
I watch his body change, the guy before me slowly slumps a defeated, heartbroken look, and I just don’t understand how he can think he’s the heartbroken one. To be heartbroken you have to care, and I’m not sure he ever did.
A feeling of brokenness falls upon us. His eyes pierce mine and it’s as if I’m looking right through him… seeing him for the person he has been this whole time.
“I wanted to tell you… I did…” His voice is begging and as a crowd grows around us I know he’s getting exactly what he and Corey wanted.
“No you didn’t. If you wanted to tell me you would have. If you wanted to be with me you would have. If you cared you would have. None of those things are true. NONE. Because you didn’t.” My voice takes on a dark quietness and I’m not even sure I’m the same person anymore. I don’t feel like the old Jenna, I feel a rage of empowerment, a rage to know and make things right.
“Awe and she finally finds out. This is excellent; please do continue on with emotional drama.” Corey says clapping his hands together, as if to say bravo; everyone around gets quiet as if waiting for the next person to make their move. It’s at this point that I know the difference between these people and me. They crave for that moment when you're down, they crave to hear about your struggle, they laugh at your downfalls, and they make it impossible to pick yourself up at the end of the day. That’s not me, and it never will be. These people are pathetic, and the fact they’re standing here watching this, proves it.
“How nice of you to join in Corey, did you get the revenge you so badly wanted on me? I hope it was bittersweet, I hope it made you happy. I hope it was everything you ever wanted because I can promise you that you will never, ever bring me down again.” There isn’t an ounce of fear in my voice, courage, and determination take root. This ends now.
“Actually it has been bittersweet to watch you fall for yet another guy. It’s absolutely bittersweet to watch your heart break into a million pieces over, and over again. I wanted you to understand the pain I feel every night that I listen to my mother cry herself to sleep.” His words make me ache, I know what it’s like to stay up all night shaking, crying, and feeling more alone than anyone. I can understand why he would feel that he would need to avenge for his mother, but not because of me.
“I’m sorry Corey, but it wasn’t me who tore your family apart. It wasn’t me who did any of those things. To take your hate out on me, well it just doesn’t justify anything. How can it make you feel good to
hurt someone who’s been innocent the whole time?” I feel myself growing weak. The strength I had before drains from me as if someone pulled the plug.
“But that’s what you don't get Jenna, someone had to pay for doing what your mom did, and the only one to do that was you. It’s a sad world we live in, but if I had to be unhappy well so did you.” What he says speaks volumes about the person he is. I’m surrounded by a bunch of monsters.
“You used Rex. You used me. You’ve used everyone here. You made me think that I would get that happily ever after, you gave me what I wanted most and then ripped it away.” I can’t hide the sadness in my voice any longer.
“Jenna, it was all real. My feelings they were real, I only agreed to help Corey in the beginning and then I got to know you and I started falling for you. I wanted you. I still want you. I love you.” I feel the honesty and sincerity in his voice. I feel the love, the conviction, but it doesn’t change things. You don’t lie to people you love. You don’t use people you love.
“Those things don’t matter Rex, none of them do. As far as there being an “us”… well you’re dead to me. I trusted you… you told me I could trust you and this is what I got. I will never trust you again, and like I told you before without trust there is nothing. Which means there is no us. There is no you and me, and there never will be.” Saying the words hurt more than thinking them. I feel a gaping hole in my chest start to form. It fuses with the tissues, muscles and organs of my body and I know from then on out, it will always be there. There’s a small piece of me that will always be left bleeding wide open. Nothing will ever be able to feel the void of loving Rex.
“Jenna no… “I see the agonizing pain I’ve caused him and I block it out, not allowing myself to feel weak for him anymore. A smug look marks Corey’s face and I know he got exactly what he wanted. Tears burn in my eyes as I try and hold them back. I let one slide down my face in memory of the love I found. The beauty of it realizing that I’m better than these people holding this anger and hate inside is what eats me alive.
“Don’t do this Jenna. I know this isn’t what you want. I can make it better, I can leave. I’ll do whatever you want just don’t leave me.” The begging in his voice is hard not to give into but I will myself to stay strong. With time the pain will ease and this moment will be nothing but a flash of memory later down the road.
“You're right this isn’t what I ever wanted. But you did. You had the chance to tell me and you never did. You used me. You made that choice for us, so now I’m making my own choice.” I say as if detached from the world. The whole situation has made me numb to anything someone could say to hurt me.
I take a look around the parking lot at all the piss poor excuses of people. Most of which will never leave this town, and the way they bullied me and hated me and I realize I still have something to say.
“This has made me realize something, holding onto to this anger and hate… it does nothing for me. It eats away at me, burning my insides and making me no better than the rest of you. It’s dawned on me with all of this happening, and being so eaten up and sad over all of this, I’ve buried myself alive. I’ve let these things consume me… and that stops now. I’m sorry Corey that my mom betrayed you and ruined your family, but that’s not my fault and I refuse to hold onto this hate. This is me letting it go, this is me becoming a new person.”
There’s a few profound gasp, and a slow clap. I feel the tears streaming down my face as I look over at Mimi, and a smile shows on her face. I look up into the sky, the sun bearing down on us. Its warmth covering me in a blanket and for the first time in forever, it feels like everything is going to be okay, even if I don’t have Rex by my side.
Epilogue
Six Months Later
I blast the music in Mimi’s jeep as we drive down the back roads of Monroe. I had just gotten my acceptance letter to Berkeley University, and Mimi had her letter in her hand, we pulled off the road to open it and see if she too got accepted.
I watch her eyes as they fill with excitement. She rips the letter open with her teeth, almost ripping the letter in half. Typical Mimi fashion. As she opens it a squeal rips from her throat. My eyes roam over the letter the best they can as she practically bounces up and down.
“I got accepted. I got accepted.” She screams out into the open field at no one in particular. I smile at her, damn happy that my best friend will be attending college with me.
Her smile fades for a second, and then wicked amusement shows in her eyes. What is she up to? “I have to tell you something?” She says in her most innocent sing song voice. The one that usually gets her whatever she wants when she talks to her daddy.
“And what would that be?” I ask curious to hear what she has to say.
“Don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad.”
I raise my eyebrows at her. “You can’t say that and not expect someone to get mad.”
“Okay… here goes nothing.” She says taking a deep breath.
“RexandCoreygotacceptedtoBerkeleytoo!” She says all at once. The blood drains from my face, and all I can think is, No.
To be continued…
If you loved Jenna and Rex’s story be on the lookout for Bittersweet Love, the conclusion to their story. Coming September 2014.
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Thank you. Xoxo
Acknowledgements
First to my family and friends. If it weren’t for you guys pushing me every day, and reminding me that I can do this. Well let’s just say this book wouldn’t be here. Thank you for loving me even in those moments when I was in book mode. You guys are the best.
To Mayra , Yara, Breanna, Lorraine, Lydia, Tiffany, Keisha, Heather, Angela, and so many more. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the feedback I always needed. For cheering me on and pushing me to continue with my dream. I love you guys so hard.
To the blogging community. Hundreds of you are out there devoting your time, and money to support authors. I just want to say big thanks to every single one of you even those that had nothing to do with my cover reveal, or those that are just now reading my book. Without people like you most of us starting out in this industry would be going nowhere. So huge thank you’s.
To A Closet Full Of Books blog, Sammies Book Club for book lovers, Books and Beyond Fifty Shades, Escape to Bookland, Books you CAN’T put down, Book Partners in Crime Promotions, and so many more. Thank you to all of you for taking the time out of your day to review my book. It means so much to me that there are people out there that want this book. Thank you for supporting me, and sharing every single thing I ever send to you. You guys are the best.
Lastly, to my husband. You may never see this, or maybe you will. I’m not sure. I just want you to know that I love you. Thank you for allowing me to follow this dream. For not looking at me crazy when I told you I hear voices in my head. For being there for our daughter well I’m busy typing away. For being my rock in those moments where I said I just can’t do this. You have no idea what this means to me. Just thank you.
