The Fallable Fiend

by L. Sprague DeCamp

  “I thank you, Uncle,” said Prince Hvaednir.

  X

  GENERAL ULOLA

  We marched to the Needle’s Eye. Our scouts caught a Zaperazh tribesman, told him that we wished to confer with Yurog the shaman, and let him go. Presently, Yurog appeared from among the rocks. A payment of ten oxen to the tribe—five at once and five promised after the campaign—easily persuaded him to join us. As we swayed down the southern side of the pass on the back of a mammoth, the old fellow confided: “Is nice, being shaman; but me want see civilization, meet great wizards, learn higher magic. After many years, rocky mountains and ignorant cavemen is big bore.”

  At the Solymbrian border, we faced the problem of how to treat the Solymbrians. I told Shnorri: “Methinks they cannot stop your army on its march to Ir, since they have become disorganized by having a halfwit as archon. But they will soon hold another election, and this time the lot may fall upon somebody more competent. If Hvaednir let his men run wild, robbing, raping, and slaying, you may have to fight your way back through Solymbria after the campaign.”

  At the next council of war, Shnorri brought up the subject. (I attended these councils as the representative of Ir.) A chief said: “Who is this faintheart, who would have us treat vile sessors in this delicate, namby-pamby fashion? Out upon him! If our brave lads futter the Solymbrian wenches, it is a favor to the Solymbrians, by infusing our heroic blood into their degenerate veins.”

  “Even a rat will bite if cornered,” said another. “Therefore, I agree with Prince Shnorri. If we push these Solymbrian rats too far, they will surely retaliate. What boots it for us to slay ten of them for every one of us? That one man who would die is worth far more to us back on the steppe, if war with the Gendings flare up again.”

  “Oh, bugger the Solymbrians!” said the first. “We shall go through them like a hot knife through butter. Have you forgotten how we sacked Boaktis City in the days of Cham Yngnal, whilst the sessors fled like rabbits before us?”

  Shnorri said: “I also recall that, as our force was on its way back across the Ellornas, the combined forces of the Boaktians, Tarxians, and Solymbrians assailed us and recovered most of the loot.”

  So it went, back and forth, while Prince Hvaednir listened. This young man did not strike me as very intelligent, even when I had learnt enough Shvenish to converse with him. Thus far, however, he had listened attentively to the advice of his chiefs and accepted it when they more or less agreed. At last he said: “I will follow my cousin Shnorri’s advice. Command the warriors to stay on the highway; straggling shall be severely punished. Moreover, they shall pay the price demanded for everything they take from the Solymbrians. Theft and assault shall be punished by the loss of a hand; rape, by castration; murder, by the loss of a head.”

  There was grumbling at this, and some warriors seemed not to take the command seriously. After one had lost his head for manslaying, however, the rest settled down and obeyed the rules.

  At first the Solymbrians fled wildly from the Hrunting army. When they learnt how well-behaved the nomads were, however, most returned to their domiciles. A host of sutlers, entertainers, and whores assembled to minister to the warriors’ wants.

  From some of these, I learnt that Ir still stood. The news was not new, because all the land roundabout Ir City, for many leagues, was bare of human life. Some of the folk had been captured by foraging parties of Paaluan kangaroo-cavalry and taken back to be eaten. The other dwellers, hearing of the fate of their countrymen, had put all the distance they could between themselves and Ir.

  When we marched past Solymbria City—which prudently closed its gates against us—we passed a camp of Irian refugees. We halted for the night in sight of the city, and a delegation of Irians waited upon our commander.

  “We fain would join your army in the rescue of our city,” they said. Shnorri again translated.

  When Hvaednir seemed at a loss as to how to take this offer, Shnorri suggested calling a council of war. This was done. One chief asked: “How many would you be?”

  “Perhaps five hundred, sir.”

  “How are you armed?” asked another.

  “Oh, we have no arms, sir. We fled in too great haste. We thought that your well-stocked army could furnish the arms.”

  “How many are seasoned warriors?” asked a third.

  The spokesman began to look depressed. “None, sir. We are a peace-loving folk, who ask only to be allowed to till our farms and ply our trades.” A Hrunting made a sneering remark in his own tongue, but the Irian continued: “Natheless, we burn with patriotic fervor, which makes up for our lack of experience.”

  A chief said: “I fear that, with such a covey of fumblers, one might carry out one good charge but hardly a campaign. How are you mounted?”

  “Not at all, sir. True, a few brought horses; but these are mere hackneys and farm nags, unsuited to war. We meant to serve as foot soldiers.”

  Hvaednir spoke up: “We are a completely mounted army. Every man, save the mammoth riders, has at least two horses. What use would a battalion of untrained infantry be to us? You could not even keep up with us on the road.”

  Several chiefs remarked: “A plague on them! We need no crowd of cowardly sessors.” “Aye, they would only be in the way.” “Honor demands that we keep the glory of this campaign to ourselves.” “Send the lowns packing, Prince.”

  The Irians could not understand, but they caught the tone and looked sadder than ever. As they prepared to depart, I said: “Sirs, you know not what you will find at Ir. The Paaluans may have thrown strong defenses around their position. For assailing these, if I read my Prime Plane history aright, your animals will be of no use. You would have to undertake a siege of your own, which is a slow, laborious business.

  “Whilst you made your preparations, the Irian refugees could catch up with you. If you lent them a Novarian-speaking officer as drillmaster, he could train them on the road. When the time came to assault a fortified camp, you might find that one soldier afoot is much like another.”

  There was another outburst from the chiefs. Most of them still objected to arming the Irians, although Shnorri and two others came over to my side. At length Hvaednir said: “Well, since the arguments are balanced, let us let the gods decide.”

  He took a coin out of his purse, flipped it, caught it, and slapped it down on his wrist.

  “Heads,” he said. “The Irians shall be armed and mustered as the demon proposes. I have spoken.”

  ###

  The weather became hot as, marching through deserted country, we neared Ir. The Hruntings’ heavy garments were unsuited to this sultry climate. Men rode with heads and upper bodies bare and then complained of sunburn. (Most Shvenites shaved the scalp save for a braided scalp lock; Hvaednir, vain of his golden locks, was one of the few to wear a full head of hair.) The stout Shnorri suffered especially, the sweat cascading off his rotund body. Sickness became common.

  I must say that, when it came to moving an army, throwing out scouts, or pitching and striking a camp, the Hruntings were efficient. The chiefs might be full of fantastic notions of honor, valor, and superiority, but in practical matters they were effective. Hence it did not much matter that Prince Hvaednir was a rather stupid young man. So long as he followed their advice, he could not go very far wrong.

  As we neared the Kyamos, our scouts reported that the Paaluans still surrounded Ir City. The Kyamos itself could not be seen from Ir, because of a low ridge between the Kyamos and the little Vomantikon. It was therefore decided to march by stealth and at night to the Kyamos and camp there, in hope that the Paaluans would not discover our presence until we were ready to attack. The cannibals no longer sent their scouts out on bouncers to range the countryside. I suppose they had given up searching for anything—or rather, anybody—edible, and it had not occurred to them to watch for a relieving army.

  One evening, the Hrunting army moved quietly into the valley of the Kyamos, crossed the drawbridge, and camped. The men
ate a cold supper, and all would have gone well had not one of the mammoths uttered a shrill, trumpetlike squeal. Several others responded, and within minutes our scouts reported that a body of Paaluans on bouncers were issuing from their camp with torches. The chiefs dispatched a larger force of horsemen to deal with them. The Hruntings scattered the Paaluans and killed most of them, but some got back into the camp.

  The cannibals now knew that there was a hostile force nearby, but they did not know what sort of force it was. The chiefs strove to keep them from finding out. They posted pickets along the ridge separating the Kyamos from Ir and sent horsemen to patrol the higher points in the area, day and night. Some Paaluan scouts may have glimpsed our camp, but from too far away to do them much good.

  On the second night after our arrival, the war council convened. A chief reported: “Our scouts tell me that the Paaluan soldiers were busy around their camp all day with picks and shovels, enlarging their fortifications. Some dig pits and plant stakes at the bottom; some set up barricades of sharpened branches; some dig ditches and raise walls. We should attack at once, ere these savages make themselves impregnable.”

  “Nay!” said another. “We are the world’s most dashing horsemen; but stumbling about afoot, we should get ourselves slaughtered to no end. Better to cut off their supplies and starve them out.”

  “We should starve the Irians to death whilst we were about it,” and another.

  “So what? When the craven sessors are all dead, we can help ourselves to their wealth.”

  “That were dishonorable counsel!”

  “Comrades!” said another. “Let us keep our minds on the present problem. The Irian foot are but a day’s march behind us. If we await their arrival, we shall be better able to storm the cannibal camp. We shall, of course, put the Irians in the first wave. After all, it is their city, so they should not mind dying for it.”

  And so it went, round and round. At last Prince Hvaednir remarked: “Comrades, my uncle the cham warned me, ere we departed, against joining battle without a firm agreement on terms with the Syndicate.”

  “But how shall we agree with the Syndicate,” said a chief, “with the circle of Paaluans betwixt us and them?”

  “We could go over, under, or through,” said a chief, half in jest. “From the amount of bare rock hereabouts, I doubt if a tunnel were practical.”

  “As for going over,” said another, “have we no magician who can fly an envoy into and out of the city? I have heard of enchanted rugs and broomsticks that could carry a man.”

  Shnorri said: “When I was a student at Othomae, a lecturer told me that such spells had been cast. But only the mightiest wizards could cast them, and they only with costly preparations, long labor, and the exhaustion of their own strength and powers. We might, however, ask our own magicker, Yurog the Zaperazh.”

  Yurog was fetched. When the proposal was explained to him, he sighed. “Me no great magician like that. Me just little tribal shaman. Me hope learn stronger magic in civilized countries, but no have chance yet.”

  Shnorri: “My friend Zdim here, I understand, escaped from Ir through the Paaluan lines by stealth and by his power of changing color. If he did it once, why not again?”

  I said: “Gentlemen, I endeavor to give satisfaction. I must, however, point out that the task were harder and riskier than before. As we say on the Twelfth Plane, every pitcher goes to the well once too often and gets broken. The Paaluans are raising stronger defenses—”

  The chiefs drowned me out. “Hurrah for Zdim!”

  “Zdim shall be our trusted messenger!” “With those claws, he can go over a stockade like a squirrel.” “You are too modest, noble Zdim; we will take no denial!”

  The council was unanimous. I cast a look at Prince Hvaednir, hoping he would gainsay them; the lad had been showing more independence lately. But he said: “You are right, comrades. Zdim shall take a contract into the city, get the Syndics’ signatures, and fetch it out again. Until he do so, we shall remain here and merely harass the cannibals. I have spoken.”

  Since I saw no other way to serve Ir as commanded, I accepted the mission, albeit with reluctance. Writing materials were brought. The learned Shnorri inscribed, both in Shvenish and in Novarian, in duplicate, a contract between the army of the Hruntings and the Syndicate of Ir. The terms were those agreed upon at the Hruntings’ camp in Shven: one mark a man a day and so on. Shnorri and I signed. Hvaednir made his mark, which Shnorri and I witnessed.

  ###

  Ere the moon arose, I neared the Paaluan camp. The earthworks on which the besiegers had been laboring presented no great obstacle, because only a fraction had yet been completed. I threaded my way on all fours across the band of broken earth and half-finished works to the main ditch and embankment.

  Again I crept into the ring-shaped camp, with my hide a midnight black. I watched, listened, and sniffed for sentries and their ban-lizards. If I say so myself, I moved as quietly as a shadow.

  I was hallway across the space between the inner and outer walls and was circling a pile of logs, when I sensed the approach of a sentry. I froze against the logs. Around the corner he came, with a lizard trotting beside him on a leash. He walked past without seeing me.

  But his lizard felt my presence. The reptile stopped and thrust out a tongue. Feeling the tug on his leash, the Paaluan halted and turned to me. As he took a step back, his hand brushed against my scales.

  The man jerked his hand away, stared into the darkness, and leaped from me with a yell. As other shouts answered him, I started to run, dodging around obstacles towards the inner wall. In rounding a bend, however, I cut the corner too closely. I tripped over a tent rope and fell sprawling, half-bringing down the tent.

  I was up again instantly, but in that instant a man appeared with a torch. As I started to run again, something hummed through the air and wrapped itself around my legs, bringing me down once more. It was one of those devices of stone balls whirling on the ends of a cord.

  Before I could untangle myself, it seemed as if half the Paaluan army had pounced upon me. Two or three I could have handled, but these fellows clustered about and hung on to my limbs like a swarm of those Prime Plane insects called ants. I bit one in the leg, but that did not stop them from binding my arms and legs with enough rope to have restrained a mammoth.

  They even roped my jaws together so that I could not open them. Then they bore me to an inclosure and tossed me in. Several cannibals stood around with spears poised, lest I somehow conjure my way out of my bonds.

  I spent several painful, tedious hours thus. At dawn, I was picked up again, carried to the largest tent, and dumped inside before the high command.

  ###

  This was my first chance to see Paaluans closely in good light. They were a tall folk, mostly lean, albeit there were a few stout ones among them. They had black—or at least very dark brown—skins. Their heads were covered by curly mops of black or brown hair, and they wore beards as well.

  Unlike the Novarians and the Shvenites, they had no tabu against public nudity. Save for some who wore pieces of leather armor, and the feather cloaks of the high officers, they went completely naked. Their dark skins were painted with gaudy designs of several colors, red and white being the favorites. Far from concealing their sexual organs, as do most Prime Planers, they painted them in contrasting colors to make them more conspicuous.

  They had low foreheads and large bony ridges above their eyes, on which the brows grew, so that their dark eyes seemed to peer out from little caverns. Their noses were extremely wide and flat, with no bridge. The mouths that opened in those great curly beards were very wide.

  On a drum in the midst of the tent, surrounded by lesser officers and guards, sat the central figure in this tableau. He had a luxuriant, curry beard, turning from black to gray. Around his neck hung a golden chain, whence depended, below his beard, a large golden plaque or medallion—perhaps his insigne of rank.

  Among the attendants was one wh
o looked like a Novarian. He wore Novarian costume, but over it a leathern cuirass of Paaluan pattern.

  There was talk, in an unfamiliar language, among these men. They stared at me as they spoke. At last the Novarian said: “What are you, creature? Can you speak a human tongue?”

  Since I still had the rope around my jaws, I could only grunt. The men presently saw my difficulty. With a laugh, one cut the jaw rope.

  “Thank you, sir,” I said.

  “Oh,” said the Novarian, “you speak Novarian?”

  “Aye, sir. Whom have I the pleasure of addressing?”

  “Charondas of Xylar, chief engineering officer to His Excellency General Ulola, commander of this foraging expedition.”

  “Sir,” I said, “is it not unusual for a Novarian to occupy such a position in this foreign army?”

  “Very,” said Charondas, “I am now, however, an honorary Paaluan, having changed my allegiance. One must dwell amongst the Paaluans to appreciate their virtues; they are true gentlemen.”

  “And the gentleman on the drum, I take it, is General Ulola?”

  “Aye.”

  “Well, kindly convey my respects to him, since I speak not his language.”

  Charondas translated, and the Paaluans burst into laughter. The renegade explained: “They’re amused that a prisoner—and an inhuman one at that—should, whilst lying bound by twenty pounds of rope, natheless display such courtly manners.”

  “They are the manners I was taught on my own plane,” I said. “Now, could you please tell me—”

  “Look here, creature,” said Charondas, “it is for us to question, not you. First, who and what are you?”

  I explained. The general spoke, and Charondas asked: “He would know if you are that same ouph who passed through our camp in the other direction, six or seven sennights ago?”