by Gail Haris
Maggie giggles and slaps Trent’s chest. Trent, on the other hand, is not smiling and seems to find no humor in any of this. He finally releases his death stare on Jonah, only to turn it on me. Before he can speak, Maggie does. “Rachel honey, how are you feeling? Any more morning sickness? It’s good to see you still have your appetite.”
I catch a flicker of confusion on Jonah’s face. When I wear loose clothing, you can’t tell I’m expecting. I’m sure I won’t be able to hide it for much longer. This just got more awkward. “I’m great. Thanks. I need to get back to my room,” I mumble, and begin cleaning up my side of the table. “Nice seeing you guys.”
Maggie smiles politely at me, but then gushes to Jonah that it was nice meeting him. “And I’m Maggie Tyson. I hope to see you around.”
“Pleasure meeting you. Yeah, me too.” He nods politely. Turning his attention back to me, he hurries to stand and takes the tray from my hands. “Do you live on campus?”
Trent glares, but I ignore him, and tell Jonah, “I live in West Tower.”
Jonah raises his eyebrow and grins like the Cheshire cat. “Me too. Ready to go for another ride? The hill that goes down into the parking lot is wild.”
As we’re walking out, Trent grabs my arm, stopping me. He leans in and whispers, “You don’t even know this guy…” He cuts his eyes to Jonah, who is climbing onto his bike. “Just going to lead him straight to your dorm room? I can give you a ride.” I jerk my arm, but he holds it firmly in his grip. “You’re ignoring me. I deserve to know why.”
I free my arm. “I’m not. I’ve been busy.”
“Yeah, so I see. Look, we need to talk.” When I still don’t answer him, he continues, “Do you think riding around on a motorbike is the best idea, right now?” He makes a point to look at my stomach. Instinctively, I cover it with my hands.
“That’s none of your business.”
“Isn’t it?” I can see the question burning there. Does he suspect? He continues in a heated tone. “After all, I’m the uncle. Right?”
“You’re the asshole.” I leave and rush out the door.
Jonah is waiting for me on his bike. I don’t make eye contact with him as I climb on behind him, refusing to look back at the restaurant to see if Trent is still watching us. I already know he is. I simply put on the helmet and then wrap my arms around Jonah. The bike takes off, and I allow a few tears to slip out as we drive the short distance to the dorms.
He parks the bike and helps me off. I need to be alone and collect my thoughts; however, it’d be rude to run off. We remain silent all the way until we enter the building.
“Room number?”
I raise my eyebrow at him as I press the up button to call for the elevator. “My room number? You might’ve bought my lunch, but you’re not getting a room number.”
“I meant for what floor. That came out wrong…but, could you blame a guy for trying?”
“Are you trying to follow me home?” I narrow my eyes at him, playfully.
“What can I say? You gave me a little attention, now I’ll follow you everywhere.”
“Like a stray puppy?”
“Will it get me into your room?” I shake my head, and he feigns disappointment. “Alright, no room number. How about a phone number then?”
I can’t help but giggle at how adorable he looks. Cheesy but adorable. A group of guys walk through the lobby door and yell out to Jonah. The elevator dings, and I hurry in. He’s yelling back to the guys about something happening this weekend. Before he can step inside, I press the close button and my floor number. I laugh at his surprised face when the door closes. Silently, I mumble to myself, “Until next time, Jo Asshole.”
Alice isn’t in the room when I get there since she has an away soccer game. I have the rest of the day to myself. I really need to drive home and tell my parents, in person, about my pregnancy. I’m four months along. I can’t put off telling them much longer. To be fair, I didn’t even suspect I was, so it’s not like I’ve gone that long without telling them. Everyone is going to wonder how I didn’t know I was pregnant. I still want to know that too. How could I not know? I thought I was still emotional over Landon’s death and hitting the freshman fifteen early. Plus, I had been extremely stressed and busy, cramming everything I needed to graduate high school, a year early, in the spring semester and summer.
I call my parents to ask them if they’ll be home today, because I’m planning to make a quick visit. I lied and told them I forgot a few important items in my room. There’s a knock at my door, so I end my call, telling my parents I’ll see them soon and peek through the peep hole to see who’s at the door. Trent.
As soon as I open the door, he barges into my room. “We’re going to talk.”
I close the door and turn to face him. I cross my arms, ready to tell him to hurry up and spit it out. I hate how my heart skips a beat when I take in his gorgeous face. He’s too much. He’s presence is too big for my small dorm room. After all these years, I still want to slowly trace every line that makes up his beautiful features. And those eyes. Those deep blue cobalt eyes that can see right through me. I’ve watched him all my life and never once, did I not look at him, without longing for his attention. Now, I guess, I have it.
I want to say please release me from your hold. But I gather what remaining dignity I have left. “Say what you need to say. I was just about to leave.”
“Where?”
“Once again, none of your business. I’m in a hurry, so it’d be great, if you could say what you came here to say and leave.”
“Alright. Need me to walk with you? I can walk and talk.”
I shake my head. “No. Say it now and get out.”
“Oh.” He saunters toward me. I take a step back, but he takes another step forward. “Going back for another ride with your new boyfriend?”
“So what if I am?” I straighten my shoulders and step toward him. “Don’t worry about my personal life. I don’t worry about yours. You only need to worry if Maggie is on the back of someone’s bike.”
He takes a final step toward me, and the tips of our shoes are touching. He raises a single brow. I don’t respond and force my facial features to remain unaffected. But my heart is beating so hard, it physically hurts.
Very slowly, he enunciates every word. “We. Broke. Up. I broke up with her. She wants to be together, but I don’t. I told her that we could remain friends. She’s had a hard time with her parents, so I don’t want to completely abandon her.” His voice lowers as he says, “I wasn’t expecting to find you out with another guy.”
“I wasn’t out with another guy. Sheesh. He’s a friend.”
“No red-blooded man can look at you without wanting more.”
Wow. Thanks for that. That’s possibly the worst thing he could’ve said to me. Guys only see me for one thing, apparently. They want me physically, but not for anything more. I step back, needing space from him. I’ve loved him forever. He’s the only one to have ever touched me and know me intimately. He doesn’t know this. And he won’t either. Because no matter what we’ve been through, he always went back to his life that didn’t include me. He could easily hold me right now and make me feel like the most important woman in the world, but next week, he’ll go back to Maggie or some other prissy socialite like her.
“I’m sorry you two are having your differences.”
“Is that all you have to say?”
“What else is there to say? What did you come here expecting, Trent?” I feel my eyes beginning to burn. “Look, I have to go.”
“To him?”
“Gosh, get over it! Jealousy does not look good on you.”
“Moving on so soon.” I squeeze my eyes shut at his accusing tone. His eyes become slits, with the blue shining through, a stark contrast to his dark lashes. In a low growl, he says, “You told me… we wouldn’t be betraying him.” Pressure begins to build in my chest. Pressing my lips together, to keep them from trembling, I try to step farther bac
k, but he follows. His voice is low, barely in control. “You—you mean to tell me…” another step, “that when we slept together…” his chest presses against mine, “when I was inside you…so was my dead brother’s baby?”
Oh God. How do I respond to that?
“You said you loved him… but not that way. I never understood your relationship with him. But I was okay with it because it kept other guys away from you. I was jealous, though. It ripped me apart to be jealous of my little brother. I only ever wanted Landon to be happy—he deserved it. He was so good.” Trent’s voice breaks, so he stops to gather his breath. “The one girl he brings around—the only one, turns out I want her, too. And I took you when you were his. I lied and convinced myself that one time was okay because you promised me that y’all weren’t like that. Then, each time after that, I’d lie to myself again. Because I thought you loved Landon as much as I did and there was no way you’d hurt him. So, who’s this guy you’re with now? Since you loved my brother so much? You loved him so much that you’re carrying his child, but you’re on the back of another guy’s bike? What about us? Do you actually love any of the men you claim to love?”
“Oh, that’s rich, Trent. What about us?” I push him, but he doesn’t budge. Frustrated, I begin to pound my fists against his chest. He grabs my wrists and holds them tightly against his chest. His lips graze against my ear.
“Yeah,” he growls, “what about us? You’ve been on your back for me three times since Landon.” He pulls back to search my eyes. He leans into me, until his nose is touching mine. “Did I want to sleep with you?” I turn my face away from his. He whispers in my ear, “No.” I jerk my wrists, but he doesn’t free them. “I didn’t the first time. But, my God, I can still remember how gorgeous you looked that night. Innocent. Sweet.” His hands tighten around my wrist, and he pulls me tighter against him. “I didn’t want to the second time, either. I’m ashamed that, after my brother’s funeral, I gave in to my deepest desire and found comfort in his girlfriend. The third time…” He presses his cheek against mine and whispers in my hair, “I didn’t feel any guilt. I wanted you and knew you wanted me. I’d already committed the worst sin the first two times, what was the third going to do? Gosh, you looked like a Hollywood actress ready for the red carpet in your prom dress. I felt like the luckiest man in the room, but also jealous as hell, knowing I’d leave after that night. Then all those horny high school motherfuckers would still be after you. It wouldn’t be right to keep you from experiencing high school to the fullest. The fourth time—” he leans his head against mine and releases a heavy sigh, “I wanted us to be together. Together as a couple. I was tired of us denying each other. I woke up, and you were gone. Is this why? Because you and Landon… you felt guilty? I’m so confused right now, Rachel. Now I…” he releases a frustrated sigh, “I’m so angry with you. With myself. I’d never known for sure what was going on with you and Landon, but I never suspected…” Trent releases me and paces the room. He runs his hand through his hair. “I didn’t suspect you were sleeping with him too.”
He wanted to be a couple? Since when? Why didn’t he tell me? I ran off to protect myself. I was angry with myself because I thought it was another moment of weakness. Angry tears trickle down my cheek. The one time I ran off, he wanted to become official? Now he’s judging me because he thinks I slept with Landon? My body practically vibrates as anger spreads through me. “Didn’t think I was sleeping with my boyfriend? Did you and Maggie not sleep together? Let’s not have double standards, Trent.”
“Let’s have some standards,” he retorts. “You slept with me only a couple of weeks ago. How are you running around with another guy, after just announcing that you’re pregnant with Landon’s baby?”
“Landon’s not here, though, now is he?”
“No, but I am. Right? Once again, it’s my fault. It’s my fault he’s not here. I should’ve—I should’ve been there for him.” His chest rises and falls. He doesn’t even blink. He just stares me down. His eyes glisten with evidence of just how much all of this is hurting him.
My anger deflates a little because I can see the torment in his eyes. “Trent,” I sigh, “it’s not your fault. I was there. You tried to break up the fight. You jumped into the water after him. You did everything you could—that anyone could do. Stop carrying the blame for everything that goes wrong. You’ve been doing it since you were a child, and your sister got kidnapped. You’ve always been there for everyone.”
Trent scoffs. “Oh yeah. I’ve always been there.” His voice turns cold, and I hear a slight quiver. “I was there when Alice was kidnapped. If I hadn’t been running and distracting Mom, maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I was there when I took your virginity at sixteen. I’ll never forget the blood on the sheets. I hurt you, Rachel. I should’ve been more responsible! You’re special and not some random hook-up. But that’s how I treated you because I freaked out. And I still hate myself for it. I hate that you’re four years younger, and in a few years, that won’t matter. But it does now. And it sure as hell mattered then.”
“Trent, you were a child! Stop it. And I willingly gave you my virginity. Most virgins bleed.”
He shakes his head and then tilts it up to the ceiling and says, “I was there …” He stops and wipes his mouth. His eyes meet mine. A chill runs through me, witnessing the coldness settle in his eyes. “I was there when Landon and Luke started fighting. They were both drunk. I should’ve known they wouldn’t let it go that easily, when I got between them—I should’ve stayed right there. But I walked off. I walked away, for what, I don’t even know now, but I walked away when I should’ve stayed. God, when Landon charged back at him. I couldn’t react fast enough. Why? Why didn’t I react fast enough? I should’ve ran faster, reacted quicker. Some fucking brother I am. When I saw him go over…I should’ve just jumped straight off the bridge right then.”
“Trent, those guys stopped you from jumping because you would’ve died, too.”
“No. I wouldn’t have.”
“You can’t be so sure. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing that you could’ve done differently. He died… because he hit…” My throat closes up. “Trent, you know he broke his neck. It’s not like he drowned. You couldn’t have saved him.”
“I’ve let everyone down, and I keep doing it. But, I want to be there for you. Don’t let some other guy step in and take Landon’s place. Let me step in.”
“This isn’t prom. You’re not just going to step in and be my date for the night.”
“Is new guy going to step in and be your date for the night?”
I want to tell him the truth. All of it. I’m not sleeping around, and I never have. However, he has no right to judge me either way. “I have to go.”
“To him?”
“No! Gosh, get over your jealously! You’re a jealous…a jealous…prick!”
“Yeah, I am. Does he know you’re only seventeen?”
“Once again, real rich coming from you. I’m going home.”
“So, you’re planning to tell my parents, alone?”
I hadn’t thought about telling his parents today, but I should. I’m so angry that I want to cry. I just want to crawl under the covers and have a good cry. Too much is happening. My emotions are high. I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed. Trent comes to my side and wraps his strong arms around me.
Melissa has finally started coping better. She might snap if I lie to her, and she discovers the truth. I lose my control and begin sobbing into his chest. He leads me to my bed and lays me down. His strong arms hold me as I whimper. When I finally can’t cry anymore, he clears his throat. “I need to know something. Were you and Landon sleeping together?”
I feel as though he just dumped a bucket of cold water on me. He’s hurt and angry, but he’ll just have to be. Unless he’s asking to see if he’s the father. If I tell him the truth, I’ll have to confess to everything. I harden my voice. “You didn’t seem to mind going back and forth between me and Maggie.
You knew Landon and I were together. Let it go, Trent.”
“Let it go?” He rises up and looks down at me. “Let it go?”
There’s so much pain in his eyes. Trent’s still hurting over Landon, just as much as I am. Probably more since he was his brother. Landon thought the world of Trent. He suspected Trent knew the truth about his sexual preferences and had been protecting him from being bullied. Nobody would dare go against Trent Randall, and to go against his family, was going against him. That’s what the whole fight with Luke was about. Landon was trying to fight his own battle, when Luke, outright, implied that he was gay.
“Trent. I don’t know why it matters at this point. What’s done is done.”
He takes my hand and gently rubs it. His voice cracks as he asks, “Why won’t you let me help?”
“Because I don’t want to force you to be a part of this.”
“You think it’s better to keep me at a distance? To do this all on your own?”
“You can be as involved as any uncle would, but I’m not going to tie you down.”
He gives me a smirk and leans into me. “What if I want to be tied down by you?” Despite myself, I smile. I turn my head, so he can’t see, but he gently takes my chin and forces me to face him. “Or, do you just not want me to be a part of your life? Is this about that John Asshole?”
“Jonah.”
“I don’t care what his name is. What I care about is what is he to you?”
“What does it matter, when you’ve got Maggie?”
“This again? She’s jealous of you. She thought it was hilarious that you were there with another guy. We haven’t been the same since I danced with you back at Alice’s birthday party in December. Before all of this, she saw and knew that I was living in denial. It only got worse after…”
“Landon.” I fill in for him. I hold my breath and ask, “Does she know about our past?”
He gently cups my face. “That I’m hung up on you. That’s all she knows, but she might suspect more.”
“I didn’t want to be with you before because I thought there was a possibility of you and Landon being together. And you’re so young. Then we had sex the first time. I felt guilty for taking your virginity that way. I don’t regret sleeping together, which makes me even more of an asshole, but I do with how I behaved afterward. Then I felt more ashamed for it. You were still in high school and didn’t need a long-distance relationship. Plus, if we didn’t work, what would that do to your and Landon’s friendship. I thought you had a crush on me because I was older, and eventually, you’d come to your senses.”
