by Gail Haris
“This isn’t special! We’re at a party. This was a hook up. I really fucked this up.” He rubs the base of his palm in his eye.
Just it being with him makes it special. I don’t want to ruin this moment. I grit my teeth and fight hard against the tears threatening to escape. Finally, I find the courage to speak. “It’s special because it’s with you.” I wipe away an angry tear. He pauses from putting on his shirt and stares at me. I hold his stare and continue. “I love you, Trent. I’ve been in love with you for years.”
“You’re drunk.” He averts his eyes from me and shoves his arms through his shirt. Deliberately not meeting my eyes and blocking out my voice, he quickly puts on his socks and shoes.
“I’ve only had two beers, and I don’t think I even finished the second.”
“Alright then I’m drunk.”
“Why are you doing this? We had a connection. I thought—”
“I’ve gotta go.” He storms out of the room. I hear his feet pounding down the hallway.
I’m confused. I don’t understand. We had sex. We were one! I thought if I gave him my virginity—the most precious thing I have to offer—he would see… Wow. I guess I really am as naïve as he said. He warned me that college guys only come to these parties for one thing. He got it, and he left. Through my hurt and angry tears, I hurry and get dressed.
As I walk down the stairs, I’m slightly surprised at how it seems like nobody noticed we had gone upstairs; the party just continued on without us. It’s weird. I feel like my world was perfect, and then destroyed, in a matter of an hour. Yet, everyone is drinking, laughing, making out, and dancing. It’s like that bedroom door led to another dimension, and now, I’m back in the real world.
Landon finds me and immediately his eyebrows pull together. I pretend I’m fine, but he knows me well enough to know better. I tell him the gist of what happened. “I confessed my love to Trent but was met with rejection.” Okay, maybe not even the gist. I omit a pretty big part—the fact his brother took my virginity.
“He doesn’t deserve you. He’s a blind fool. Maybe he’s experienced one too many sports injuries to the head.” He wraps his arm around me and puts his other hand to his chest. “This is one Randall who loves you and would gladly marry you. In fact, let’s make a pact, if we’re not married by the time we’re old, we marry each other.”
I burst out laughing, because Landon is slurring his words. I agree, but ask him what age he considers old.
“Well, since Trent thinks he’s so ‘old,’ marry me at twenty!”
“Twenty-two. We don’t want to be an old married couple on our twenty-first birthday.”
“Fine. When we’re old at twenty-two.”
I smile and shake my head. I can’t wait to remind him of this when he’s an ‘old man’ at twenty-two. I hug him tightly.
“I love you.”
And unlike his brother, Landon says it back, “I love you.”
I’m startled awake by my entire body being shaken. I open my eyes to find them, and my cheeks are wet. Using the end of my shirt, I dry my face. I look down to see my pillow is also wet.
“Are you okay? You had me scared to death. Are you in pain? Is the baby…” Alice lets the last part hang in the air. I blink a couple of times, trying to focus on her face through the haze of my watery eyes.
“I’m fine. The baby’s fine. It was a dream.” But it wasn’t just a dream. It was a very vivid memory. Trent tried apologizing after that night, but I could never handle talking with him about it. I’d wave him off and change the subject. How will I face him about the truth of this baby? He can’t use the excuse that we’d been drinking that time…
We were both very sober.
The next morning, I wake up and get ready, just like I would any other day. I just finished brushing my teeth, when I hear voices outside the door. I listen a moment, before walking out. Noah? I open the door to find Alice, on her computer, video chatting with him.
“Rachel!” Noah’s voice comes through the speakers.
I lean down in front of the laptop screen and wave. “Hi.”
Alice whispers to me, “I haven’t told him anything.” I give her a half smile and tell them I need to go to class. Alice holds a finger in front of the computer camera. She rushes over to me, before I open the door. “Do you feel like going? Maybe you should rest. You still need to tell… the grandparents.” She tries for an enthusiastic smile but fails. Her face is more squeamish than joyful.
I speak in a tone that leaves no room for argument. “Alice, I’m pregnant—that doesn’t mean my life has stopped. My education is more important now than ever. I need to ensure I do all I can for a stable and successful future.” I shrug. “It’s not just me anymore.” I open the door and walk out, before she can say anything else.
There’s still twenty-minutes before my next class, so I decide to walk the scenic route. There’s a lovely park with a pond not far. Truthfully, I’m not feeling well. I have morning sickness, stress, heartbreak, and a million other problems. However, I refuse to curl up into a ball and cry. My thoughts bounce back and forth between Landon and my baby. He’s what motivates me. My baby motivates me. My baby.
I’m going to give birth to this baby and graduate college for all three of us. That’s what my best friend would’ve wanted. He may not be here, physically, but I know he’s with me. This pregnancy may have come unexpectedly, but that’s not the baby’s fault. This child deserves a bright future from a parent who can provide one to both of us.
What if I can’t provide? Should I keep the baby if I can’t? I just said this child deserves more. I should probably discuss the idea of adoption. Before I can do that, I have to tell the father. My phone vibrates, and I find another missed call from Trent. An annoying little voice in the back of my mind keeps insisting to tell him now. Just pick up the phone and tell him. But I’m so scared of how he’ll respond. I love him so much, and I hate it. He doesn’t want me…Now I’m carrying his child. If I thought for a second he didn’t want our baby…
I can’t finish that thought. My tummy grumbles, and I realize that I forgot to grab a bagel on the way here. Not off to a promising start, Mommy Dearest. I only have two morning classes today, so I should be finished by lunch. As soon as I enter my English 101, I force myself to focus on class. My mind keeps wanting to wander and worry about how I’ll tell my parents that I’m pregnant, but I refuse to be distracted. I’m going to get my degree in teaching. No matter what. I will graduate.
When my first class finishes, I allow myself to stress over my situation as I walk to my next class. It’s only a five-minute walk, but it’s enough to make me worried. I imagine my parents will either be devastated, furious, or… tolerate the idea of becoming grandparents so soon. I’m an only child, and they’ve always supported me. I guess I’m about to find out what their limits are.
As I wait for class to begin in Exploring the Universe, I stare at the projector screen that’s filled with stars and planets. We focus so much on our life, but it’s nothing more than a dot in the grand scheme of this world. Yet, there’s a little speck of life growing inside of me now that has completely altered my universe. That little small piece of life will become my whole world in the grand scheme of my existence.
By the time class has ended, I’m starving. It’s noon, and I know the cafeteria will be crowded. I decide to walk to a deli and sandwich shop, that’s about two blocks away. I’ve only walked for ten-minutes and already I’m tired and hot. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. Plus, I might have let myself get out of shape after…
I hear a motorcycle engine and turn to see a shiny red sport bike approaching. I can’t make out the driver, due to his red helmet and black and red gear. He slows down when he gets near me and finally comes to a complete stop next to me. He lets the bike idle, his long legs supporting the weight of the bike, as he walks in pace next to me.
“Need a ride?” asks a deep, muffled voice.
“Thanks, but I don’
t accept rides from masked strangers.”
When he removes his helmet, I recognize him immediately from my last class. He’s the guy I bumped into last week. He’s gorgeous with short platinum blond hair, ice blue eyes, full pink lips and flawless porcelain skin. His eyebrows are a light brown, which makes me curious as to if he colors his hair. His white hair is long on top and short on the sides. That icy hair is what makes him so memorable. Along with those startling sky-blue eyes.
“Rachel, right?” I nod and give him a closed lip smile. He continues, “We have Exploring the Universe together.”
I feel so foolish because I’m clueless as to what his name is; yet, he knows mine. I pray he offers his and doesn’t force me to ask. Maybe I should just ask? Nah, I’ll pretend like I know.
“Yup, that’s my name. Without the head gear, I now recognize you as well.”
To my relief, he smiles and offers his name. “Jonah Jacobs. You can call me Jay.”
“What if I wanted to call you Jo?”
He shrugs. “You can call me that. I guess, technically, you have the right to call me anything you want. You can call me asshole if you want.”
My eyes widen, and I release a shocked chuckle. “I’ll settle for Jo. Or Jay Jay!” Gah, I’m such a dork. My anxiety is making me sound so immature.
He shakes his head. “I’d prefer asshole over Jay Jay, if you don’t mind. Anyways, need me to give you a ride? Now that I’m not a masked stranger anymore. Looks like we’re heading in the same direction.”
“And what direction is that?”
“Up north toward the deli.”
I’m pregnant. Is this safe for the baby? I examine the bike. We’re not going very far, but we could still crash. Or get hit by a car. The roads are smooth and there isn’t heavy traffic on this road. He’s a stranger on top of that. I look around us. Plenty of buildings, people, and traffic. The sandwich shop isn’t that much farther up the road, but I’d get there in half the time on his bike. I’d have plenty of opportunities to signal for help. I meet his eyes. He flashes me a beautiful smile. Yup, he caught me scoping out our surroundings.
“That’d be great. Are you sure you don’t mind?” He gestures for me to hop on behind him. I climb on the back, and he hands me his helmet. I take it and ask, “Are you sure?”
“I’m a reckless badass. You wear it.” He twists his torso, so he can place the helmet on my head and fasten it.
I huff and murmur. “Reckless badass.”
“Yeah, but I’m also a gentleman. I mean, I’m risking my life now trying to be a gentleman. But a pretty face will make any guy reckless.” He turns back, facing forward, as he answers.
I ignore his compliment and ask, “What kind of bike is this?”
“It’s a Ducati SuperSport S. Hold on tight,” he calls out.
I tentatively place my hands on his shoulders, but when the bike jerks forward, I quickly wrap my arms tightly around his torso. I feel a vibration of him laughing. Asshole.
We pull into the deli parking lot in no time. He throws his leg over the bike and then places his hands under my arms to help me off. My body tingles when I get off, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the bike or the guy. I’ve never ridden on the back of a motorcycle, but I’d love to again. It’s exhilarating. Zooming down the street with no barriers. It was freeing.
I’m surprised when he walks ahead and opens the door for me. He really is some kind of gentleman. Common manners are a rare treat with guys my age. I whisper a thank you as I walk past him, and into the shop. We place our orders at the counter, and I’m further surprised, when he pulls out his credit card, telling the cashier to put the orders on the same bill. My insecurity starts to rear its ugly head. Is he only doing this because he thinks I’m some charity case?
“I’m not a stray you picked up off the street.” I lower my face and speak, as calmly as possible, trying to appear like a civilized person. “You gave me a much-appreciated ride. But I’m capable of paying for my food.”
Jonah hands the cashier his credit card and leans his hip against the counter facing me. “If I was treating you as a stray, I’d find you a place to sleep. Which just so happens…” He raises his eyebrows and gives me a devilish smile. “I have a very comfy and warm bed. It’d be a lot warmer with you in it. Probably comfier too.”
I roll my eyes. “I have a bed, thank you.” Just when I was about to think he was a step above other guys.
Jonah takes our tray with sandwiches, chips and drinks to a booth and slides into one side. I open my tote bag and pull out a twenty, throwing it at him.
“What’s this?” He holds it up.
“It’s money.”
He feigns shock. “Is that what this is?”
“Yeah. It works much the same way as that little plastic card you have. Go knock yourself out.”
“Why are you giving me this?”
“Food. Gas. Whatever. If you throw it back at me, I’ll just slide it in your pocket, at some point, before we part ways.”
He tosses it back with a crooked smile. “Hopefully, you’ll go for the front pocket.” He waggles his eyebrows as he takes a bite of his sandwich.
Challenge accepted. We eat our lunch and share idle chitchat.
“What’s your major?” he asks me, between bites.
“Elementary education. It may not be the most financially rewarding career choice, but my heart tells me that’s what I should do.” That sounded cheesy. Inwardly, I cringe, but he gives me a genuine smile.
“Better to go into something you’re passionate about. My dad’s an optometrist, but he hates it. Money’s good, but what’s the point, if you’re not happy? I mean—” he takes a bite and then dabs the corner of his mouth, “– we grew up happy. I’m just saying, he never spoke with any passion about his job. Seemed like he was always ready to go and be done, ya know?”
“I take it then that you don’t plan to be an optometrist?”
“Oh, quite the contrary, I am.” He winks. “No, I’m a journalism major. My dad encouraged it. He saw that I had an interest in finding out the facts. Always chasing answers.” He takes a sip from his bottle of water. “Since you’re in the same freshman course, I’m going to assume you’re a freshman as well?”
“You assume correctly.”
His phone buzzes. “Sorry. I have to answer this.” I nod and focus on eating. He swipes the screen and stares into it. He props the phone up on the table, and I watch as the biggest smile spreads across his face. I don’t hear a response from the other person, but they must be speaking because Jonah nods, while smiling at the screen. He lifts his hands, and I stop eating. I watch as he begins speaking with his hands. Sign language. Somehow, this just makes him even more attractive. He turns the phone to me, and I see a little boy with pale blond hair and startling blue eyes, maybe around eight. He shyly waves at me. I wave back.
“Eric meet Rachel. Rachel, this goober is my little brother.” Eric frowns, and his hands begin to move vigorously. Jonah laughs. “Alright, alright. Enough of that. She’s here with me, punk.” He turns the phone back toward him. After a few more hand movements, he reaches over and swipes the screen. “Sorry about that. Eric and I have our set times to talk. We both have busy schedules, but you have to make time for the important people in your life, right?”
“That’s true. You never know…” I stop myself. I’m about to go down a dark, depressing path.
“That’s true. You don’t ever know.”
I clear my throat. “So, you know sign language? That’s cool.” That’s cool? I’m so lame.
“Yeah, Eric isn’t deaf.” I’d noticed he’d reacted when Jonah spoke, but didn’t see his hands. “His vocal cords are damaged. He had a tumor that had to be surgically removed.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Life, right? You never know what’s going to happen. But he’s alive and healthy. Can’t talk but who knows—maybe it’s for the best.”
“That’s horrible!” A shocked chu
ckle escapes me. “How can you say that?”
“His face might be as adorable as mine, but he’s not nearly as charming. Trust me.”
“You’re such a jerk.” I shake my head and go back to picking at my sandwich.
“Hmm. A jerk…but I couldn’t help notice you agreed that I’m adorable.”
I lose myself for a moment, flirting and giggling with him, until I hear a familiar feminine voice speak. “Rachel?”
I turn to find Maggie Tyson. Trent’s Maggie. Gorgeous, perfect Maggie.
“Hi.” I let the chip I had been about to put in my mouth fall from my fingers onto my plate. Jonah looks from me to Maggie, while she looks from me to Jonah. As if my perfect lunch couldn’t be more ruined, Trent comes to stand next to Maggie. He glares at Jonah and asks, “Rachel, who’s your friend?”
“This is Jo Asshole.”
Jonah makes a choking sound and tries to fight back laughter. He nods in agreement. He cuts his eyes to me and loudly whispers, “Jo Badass would’ve worked, too.”
I narrow my eyes at him and loudly whisper, “Either way, you’re an ass. Let me handle the introductions.” I hold a hand out, gesturing to Maggie and Trent. In a formal voice, I say, “Jonah, remember Alice, the one I told you about?”
“Roommate.” He winks at Maggie.
“That’s not Alice. You’re correct that Alice is my roommate, so you still get half a point.”
He frowns. “Sorry.” He gives Maggie a crooked smile, causing her to smile wider. Is she blushing? Jonah turns to me and asks, “if that’s not Alice, then why’d you bring her up?”
“Because this is her brother and his girlfriend.”
“Do they have names?”
I foresee the beginning of a beautiful friendship between me and Jonah. Smiling with a shrug, I turn my nose up and say, “Brother and Brother’s Girlfriend will work.”
“We’re right here,” Trent growls. “This is my ex-girlfriend. I’m Trent. Her roommate, Alice’s brother. And I’ve known Rachel a long time, but I’ve not met you.” I don’t miss that he emphasized ex.