by Gail Haris
“What?”
“Oh, don’t play me for a fool, Rachel Abernathy. I’ve had four pregnancies. I’ve known you all your life, so I know when you’re hiding something. Did you forget who caught you and Landon most of the time in the middle of a scheme. Now, tell me how far along are you?”
“Four months.”
“And you told your parents?”
“Yes.”
“That’s what happened to Trent’s face. And I can’t say that I blame Quinn.”
“No, Melissa.” Holding my hand up, I stop her, before she comes to the same conclusion as my father. “I’m pregnant, but Trent’s not…”
I can’t finish. Where’s Trent? Richard please walk in. I gulp. Oh God, I’m going to hell. How do I lie to this woman? How do I sit here in her house and look her straight in the eye and lie? “You’re the grandmother.”
It never crossed my mind, during my web of lies, that I’d have to face Melissa. I mean, I knew I would. Of course, I would. I just didn’t expect this.
“Landon?” She draws his name out.
My chest hurts. My heart is breaking. My shoulders slouch forward with the weight of the guilt pulling me down.
Then I watch, in shock, as Melissa scoffs. “I’m not buying that. I always knew you two would eventually end up together.”
“Who?”
“Trent.”
My eyes widen at that, and I pause. She thought I’d end up with Trent? Before I can understand why, she continues, “you two were always stealing little glances. He’d chase you around outside. It was so cute when you were little. And then, of course, I got more nervous the older you two got and those little glances turned more…serious.” Her voice turns wistful. “I guess, really, you’ve always been all of ours, Rachel. You know I’ve always seen you as mine, too. You’ve always been a daughter to me.” She reaches over and takes my hand with a kind smile. I don’t know if I can continue. I don’t know if I can say it.
“Mom?” Trent calls out.
I feel Melissa’s hand tighten over mine as her wide eyes search mine. Oh, please stop looking at me. Please. “Have you told him the baby is Landon’s?” Her voice comes out hoarse.
That’s it. I crumble. A painful sob escapes from my throat. I hear the sound of chair legs scraping the floor. I feel faint and nauseous. Trent’s strong arms come around me, and I allow him to take on the burden of my weight. Trent reaches down and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze as he holds me tight. We all turn around when we hear the front door close. Shortly after, Richard Randall walks in. He halts in the doorway when he sees our expressions.
“There he is,” Melissa announces, in a breathless tone, as though we’re not staring right at him. She smiles at Richard. “Honey, guess what?” Her hand comes up to play with her pearl necklace. “You’ve been promoted to Grandpa!”
I stare in horror at Melissa’s announcement. Way to let us be the ones to tell him. Trent closes his eyes, and his lips press together. Richard slowly walks into the room, wearing a confused expression.
“Grandpa?” He looks back and forth between all of us. He points his finger at me and then Trent, and then again at me. Richard places a hand on the side of his face and stares at us with a stunned expression. “When did you two become a couple? I’m clearly out of the loop.”
“Let’s go back into the dining room and have a seat,” Melissa suggests.
We all sit down, and Trent clears his throat. “The father…is Landon.” He turns and looks deep into my eyes. He turns back to his father. “She won’t have me,” he jokes, but there’s a hint of longing in his voice.
I kick his shin under the table. What the hell? Now is not the time. And did he suddenly forget about how Maggie keeps popping up? He usually does when he’s holding me. If only he could forget her when I’m not in his arms, as well.
Melissa meets my eyes and then bows her head. Richard asks, “how far along are you?”
“I’m around four months.”
Then Richard squints at Trent. He gestures to his own jaw with one hand and points to Trent with the other. Trent nods and returns the ice pack back to his jaw. “Yeah, we told Quinn Abernathy the news. He’s excited.”
Melissa nods her head. “I imagine so. I can understand a little better now why he was so upset. Four months? Just now telling us?” She focuses her attention on me. “Are you properly taking care of yourself? We need to prepare a nursery. There are supplies to get. There’s no guarantee the baby will come at nine months. He or she might come as early as seven months. Maybe sooner! Landon came very early. Of course, I was under a lot of stress during that time. That’s when Alice had been kidnapped. Oh, Rachel, please don’t let yourself stress.”
“Mom,” Trent scolds, “you’re stressing her out now. Calm down. One thing at a time.”
Richard wraps an arm around his wife and places a hand tenderly over hers. He leans his forehead against her temple and coos in her ear, “Honey, there’s plenty of time.” However, when he rises up, he levels his son with a glare. “I’m sure you have a reasonable explanation for not telling us sooner.”
Trent holds his hands up. “Everything kind of happened so fast. Rachel just found out.”
Melissa crosses her arms. “Well, Rachel certainly didn’t just become pregnant. How’d you not know?”
I sigh. “Well…it was around the time…”
“We lost him,” she finishes for me. I watch a wave of sadness wash over her beautiful features. Her eyes hold so much pain and sorrow. She reaches across the table and takes my hand in both of hers. In a gentle voice, she says, “You were still mourning. I can certainly understand that. I lost myself during that time as well. I understand, and I’m sorry. I should’ve realized that before I even asked.” She releases my hand and holds one of hers and waves it as she speaks. “Then, you had school, moving to college, classes starting, it’s a lot for a young girl to take in. Especially at seventeen. I get it, Sweetheart. I really do. And can I say, I’m very impressed with the young woman you are becoming.”
My heart about bursts. She’s impressed with me. After everything we’ve told her, she still acknowledges my accomplishments. Her simply trying to understand means so much.
She smiles lovingly at me. “I’m here for you, Rachel. You’ve always been part of our family. I bet Landon is overjoyed. He’s probably watching over us and laughing at Trent gushing over you.”
What? That has me forcing my way out of his grasp and sitting up straight in my own chair. I don’t need Trent gushing over me. Melissa asks me if I’d like to help her prepare a snack to tide us over, before we get back to Lexington. I stand and walk over to the counter with heavy feet. My mind is nervous and racing. I don’t know what they really think of all this.
We prepare pinwheel sandwiches while my mind conjures up all kinds of disheartening scenarios. I curse myself for ever allowing myself to sleep with Trent. He was never mine. How am I going to do this? How much longer can I keep lying to him? How am I going to finish school?
I feel the pressure of fingers wrapping around my arm. I turn to Melissa’s watery eyes. “We’re here for you. You’re not alone.”
“Is it that obvious that I’m freaking out?”
“Even under the best of circumstances, everyone freaks out over bringing a baby into this world. We love you, and we’re going to do this together.”
My chest feels like it’s about to explode with so much emotion. My own parents practically disowned me, but here is Melissa, who has always been like a second mother, ready to become my rock.
“And he’d help and do anything for you, if you’d let him.” I turn wide-eyed at Melissa. “When are you going to tell him the truth?”
“I don’t know. Look, Melissa, he still has Maggie sniffing around. He could possibly even get into trouble since I’m a minor.”
“You’re being a coward.” I gasp, and she continues, “If you want to raise this baby on your own, that’s fine, but don’t lie. Don’t come
up with excuses for deceiving him. No matter how much you try to convince yourself you’re doing the right thing, tell him and then you determine how much involvement you want from everyone. But Trent, as the father, deserves to know. You’re not weak for allowing anyone to help you with this and him to take on some responsibilities. He’s already trying, and he doesn’t even think he’s the dad.”
“But—”
“No buts. Landon wouldn’t have let you get away with this either. He would’ve gladly claimed the child as his own, no doubt, but he wouldn’t have liked lying to his brother.”
Landon did lie to his brother, so he might understand where I’m coming from. Maybe? My mind goes to how wonderful my Landon was. How different this might have all turned out, if he had come out. Poor Landon. Suffering in silence all this time. They would’ve accepted him. Melissa would probably have said the same thing to him. She would’ve stood here in the kitchen, squeezed his arm, and said, we love you, and we’re going to do this together. Maybe if Trent had just hinted that he loves Landon, no matter what, he would’ve told him. Maybe if Melissa had said what she’d just said to Trent, I’m proud of you no matter what, Landon would’ve confided in her. Maybe. So many maybes and what ifs. The only comfort I can take away from this is that the little Randall, I’m carrying now, will always know they can tell me anything. I’ll always be proud, and I’ll always be there. Landon lived half his of his life lying about who he was, and he was miserable because of it. I’m making myself miserable by lying. I’m being a hypocrite. I need to tell Trent the truth soon.
We engage in light conversation about classes and Richard’s work, while we eat our sandwiches and drink sweet tea.
Trent stands, and I follow. “Well, we really need to get back.”
Melissa stands with a frown. “Could you not wait until Denise gets home? She’d love to see you two. She’ll be finished with cheer practice by six and should be home.” Melissa urges in a pleading tone. “Stay just for a few more minutes. Denise has been having a rough freshman year. Isabella Jamerson, Luke’s little sister, has been bullying her.”
“What?” Trent and I both say in unison.
“Isabella harasses her every chance she gets at social gatherings or in public places. Rumors have spread throughout school. Denise’s moods have been erratic. She’s distant. She doesn’t want to go anywhere. She thinks I don’t know how bad it is. I know what’s going on, and I’m about to have Richard speak to Patrick Jamerson about it.”
After hearing about Denise, we both agree we can wait. When she arrives home, she’s delighted to see Trent. However, her face falls when she hears the news that she’ll be an aunt. “As if there wasn’t enough scandals and drama surrounding this family.”
“Denise,” her father scolds.
“Well, it’s true. Everyone gossips about us.”
Melissa wraps her arms around her. “It’s because they don’t have lives of their own to lead, Sweetie.”
“Gosh, what will Isabelle say now? That it’s unfair she’ll never get to be an aunt! Can’t we have even a month of no drama?” She buries her face in her hands. “I just want us to be normal. Every single person in this family has issues.”
Trent smirks. “Oh yeah? What’s your issue then?”
Slowly, Denise lowers her hands and gives Trent a hard stare. “You.” She jerks free from her mother and runs out of the room.
Trent looks at everyone wide-eyed. “It was a joke…”
Melissa shakes her head in defeat. “I don’t know where it comes from. Alice benefited so much from counseling. Maybe…”
Richard holds a hand up. “She doesn’t want to go. It might make her feel more like she has…problems.”
Melissa’s mouth drops open. “She does, Richard. She’s deeply upset and bothered by all the events from this past year. We can’t ignore it.”
Trent rolls his eyes. “She’s a teenage girl, Mom.”
I agree with Melissa. This shouldn’t be swept under the rug. Denise is clearly going through a hard time. Talking to someone not directly connected might be just what she needs. “Alice is studying to be a counselor. She maybe could offer some insight.”
“Alice agrees with me. Denise has talked with Alice some about her counseling, but she’s afraid people around her will ‘find out’ if she goes.”
“Let me go talk to her. She’ll feel horrible if you all leave without her getting to say goodbye. I’m sure the news just shocked her,” Richard announces, before he leaves the room.
A few minutes later, Denise slowly enters the kitchen with Richard. In so many words, she assures me, before we leave, that she’s extremely excited and happy to be an aunt. We say our goodbyes and get back in Trent’s SUV.
As I buckle my seatbelt, I mention to Trent that I’d like to visit the cemetery. “Before we leave, I was thinking I could tell Landon the news.”
Trent pulls over on the road and turns to me. “What?”
A small smile tugs at my lips. “I want to go by the cemetery really quick. I need to visit his grave before we leave.”
His response is a single nod, then he pulls the car back onto the road. We drive to the old cemetery that’s on the outside of town. The SUV bounces a little on the gravel road. I know this is making Trent uncomfortable by his white knuckles and flared nostrils.
Visiting the cemetery gives me comfort. It’s a way for me to still have a connection to Landon. It’s been almost a month since I’ve been here. I wish I’d brought flowers. I’ll remember that for next time.
I kneel down and run my fingers down the shiny black stone. “I miss you,” I whisper. The response I receive is a slight chill that nips at me and sways the fresh flowers, surrounding Landon’s marker. It’s so peaceful, and I wonder if Melissa finds peace here also.
I trace each letter of his name with my finger. Landon Randall. The stone is cold, and the cut grooves lightly scrape against my skin. My eyes begin to burn, and I feel a build-up of emotions in the pit of my stomach. They begin to rise, until I can’t hold back any longer. Words tumble out of me as tears slide down my cheeks.
“I miss you so much. It still hurts. I need you. I—I’m going to be a mom. Can you believe that? I bet you can’t guess the father? You. Ha!” I lean down and whisper, “But it’s actually Trent.” I sit up and fake excitement. “Surprise.” Through my tears, I allow real enthusiasm to bleed through. “Congratulations.” Landon as an uncle. Wouldn’t that be a sight. “Gosh, you’d get such a kick out of this. You’d eat this drama up.” I sniffle. My nose is running, and I have nothing to wipe it. Even though it’s gross, I take the hem of my shirt and wipe my eyes and nose. The cold sends goosebumps across my exposed stomach. I drop my shirt and look up to the heavens. “I love you, Lanny. And I hate you for leaving me. You know I’m lost without you.”
I angrily wipe my eyes. I sniffle and then inhale the deep smell of dirt and grass. Looking back at his stone, I idly run my fingers along the smooth, shiny surface. “Noah surprised Alice with a visit.” I pause for dramatic effect. Landon would appreciate that.
“They’ve made some kind of commitment to each other.” I sigh. “I won’t make fun of them. At least she has someone making a commitment to her. While I’m over here…” I look down at my stomach. “Well. I’m making a commitment to someone.”
I place my palm against his cold stone again. “Alice misses you, too.” I give the tombstone a smirk, as though it’s actually him. “Not as much as me, though.” Then I squeeze my lips together when I feel another wave of tears just behind my eyes. I try to fight back the emotions threatening to take over my body again. I lean forward and kiss his headstone. Laying my head against it, I lose the battle. I finally give up and allow my too strong emotions to take over. My body shakes, and my tears flow. Needing to grab and hold on to something, anything, my fingers dig into the soil, grass and dirt burying under my nails. “Why? Why? You were too good,” I keep repeating.
Strong arms wrap around me. Trent
kisses my temple. “That’s why. He was too good. He’s in a better place.”
I shake my head. “No. No. He should be here,” I ground out.
“Let’s go. You’re tired, and the baby needs rest.”
The baby. I start to wipe my eyes, but then feel the grime on my hands. Instead, I use my shoulder to wipe my face and try to regain my composure. He’s right. My body is so weak and tired. I feel drained, emotionally and physically. This has been an extremely long and mentally exhausting day. Despite how gross they are, I kiss the tips of my fingers and gently place it over the ‘L’ and whisper my goodbye. Trent helps me stand but doesn’t follow me to the car. As I walk back toward the SUV, I hear him speak. At first, I think he’s speaking to me, but he’s looking at Landon’s headstone. I pause to listen.
“I bet you’re laughing now.” He shakes his head. “Gosh, I’m such an idiot. You were the one to call it all along. I keep remembering the night of Alice’s birthday party. You told me to go dance with Rachel. I’ll never forget what you said to me. ‘You don’t deserve her. You should go get that dance, while she’s willing to give you the time of day. You better come to your senses before she does.’ That’s what you told me.” He huffs out a breath. “Well, little brother. I’ve come to my senses. Unfortunately, so has she. You were always the smart one. I guess you finally got her. But why? Why? Why did you encourage me to go for her, when she was yours? You said because she wanted me more than you…but…I don’t understand. I knew you loved her. I do too…I’ll look after her.” He pauses. “And your baby. I’ll be there for them. Like I should’ve been there for you. I promise you, I won’t let them down.” His voice breaks. “I miss you, Man.” I watch his shoulders rise and fall. “I love you.”
My heart breaks when I watch him wipe his face and look up to the sky. Not wanting him to catch me spying on him, I turn and get in the car. I find some cleaning wipes and use them to clean my hands while Trent takes a few more minutes, before he hurries over. When he pulls on to the road, I reach over and take his hand in mine. We hold hands on the way home, but don’t speak. The radio fills the silence while we stay lost in our thoughts.