by Gail Haris
Two days later, my mother calls.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Rachel. How are you?”
“I’m good. I’ve been a little nauseous, but I’m doing alright. I have a doctor’s appointment in a little over a week, if you want to come visit and…go with me…maybe.”
She sighs. “Honey, your father and I have been talking. We can’t allow you to raise this child out of wedlock. Either you marry Trent and he claims that baby, as the father, and all that goes with it—”
“All that goes with it?”
“Support. His family has money. They can afford to take on the expense of a new baby. We can’t. It’s half theirs anyways.”
“Mom, I don’t want to marry Trent.”
“Oh bull. You’ve pined over that boy for years. Marry him and all your dreams will come true. You could do a lot worse.”
“No. Not like this. I’m not going to.”
“That was the other thing we discussed. You have three options. The first and best option is to marry Trent Randall. The second is to stay up there, terminate the pregnancy, or at least not come back home until the baby is born, and then give it up for adoption. The last one, and I hope you think this over, long and hard, have the baby while unmarried and do everything on your own. And you will be on your own. We’re not going to raise it. We’re not going to support you, while you ruin your life.”
“So…you’re saying, if I choose to raise my baby—”
“No, no, no. Raising your baby would be doing what’s best for the baby—as in marrying into stability or handing it over to a family that can provide for it. You can’t provide for a baby. You’re a baby, yourself. You can’t even support yourself. Think about it.”
“I made it into college on my own. I graduated a year early.”
She makes another loud sigh into the phone. “How long are you going to keep singing that same tune, Sweetheart. That’s not the same. Reading those books ain’t going to support a baby. What job are you going to get? And you can kiss your college education goodbye after the baby comes.”
“No. I can do both. I can get my education and raise my baby.”
I hear my father yell in the background. “Tell her not to think that we’re going to be stuck raising her mistake.”
My heart is breaking. How? How can they be so sweet and loving to me growing up, but now talk to me this way? How can they dismiss their own grandchild so easily?
“Mom. Please. I need help. I need you.”
“And you have it. Trent already said he’d step in. All your problems would be solved. Marry him or give the baby to a good home. I’ll speak no more about it. There’s no need to.”
I hear my dad again. “What’d she say? Is she marrying him or giving it up?”
I swallow the heavy ball of emotion in my throat. My heart turns cold. “I’m giving up on you.”
“What did you say?”
My dad echoes her. “What’d she say?”
I fight back the tears. They don’t deserve my tears. “You’ve given me three options. You gave only three options. I had a fourth option that included all of us being a family. I didn’t expect you to raise my child, but I did expect you’d want to be a grandparent and a part of their life. You’re ashamed of me? I’m ashamed—” I have to pause and to catch my breath, “I’m ashamed of you two. When you miss out on what could’ve been the greatest part of your lives, you’ll only have yourselves to blame. Remember this conversation. Remember you made these terms—you gave me the options. I made my choice from what you gave me to work with.”
“You made your choice then. Now live with it.”
“I will.” Tears build in my eyes. “The real question is, will you be able to live with it?”
“You’re the one throwing your life away! Don’t you see? Turning against your own parents. After everything we’ve done for you, you go off and get knocked up, then won’t take responsibility.”
“How am I not? I’m going to raise my baby. I am taking responsibility. You’re wanting me to push that responsibility off on someone else. Anyone but you, right?”
“I raised you. If I wanted more kids, I would’ve had them. I’m not raising yours.”
I hear my dad again. “What in the hell are y’all talkin’ about? Is she keeping it or giving it up?”
Not speaking directly into the phone, she calls out, “She’s going to keep it. And we’re awful apparently.” She speaks directly into the phone. “I don’t know how you can sit there and speak to me this way. I’m your mother. When did you turn so cold-hearted?”
“At least I have a heart. It might be cold, but it’s there.”
“Well, I guess we have no more to say to each other. I wish you’d take some time to really think about this. Before it’s too late.”
“You mean before I have the baby.”
“Yes.”
“There’s nothing to think about.”
“Then there’s nothing else to say.” With that, she ends the call.
I don’t tell Alice about the phone call. I don’t tell anyone. I’m too ashamed that my parents would act in such a way. I don’t want Trent to think I’m like them. If he finds out what my parents said plus that he’s the biological father…what will he think? What could he think?
I skip my next class. I crawl under the false security that my blanket offers. What will I do now? I’ve lost my life-long best friend. I’ve lost my youth. I’ve now lost my only family. I’m in a new town at a new school. New school—I’m in college. I’ve been cut off from my only source of income. All I have now is debt. I could take out another loan, but do I really want to add to that debt? What am I going to do? Should I give my baby to another family? Would Melissa and Richard want to raise him or her?
My mother’s seed of doubt starts to take root in my mind. I lie there under the covers and stare at the white popcorn ceiling. My hand gently lies over my belly. I’m so scared. I’m scared I’ll fail school. I’m even more scared, I’ll fail my baby.
Later that day, I hop in the elevator and press the lobby button. The door closes, and the elevator begins to descend. It jolts to a stop, and I try to fight the smile threatening to spread, as none other than, Jonah Jacobs strolls through. “I guess you know what floor I live on.”
“Actually, you just confirmed what floor you live on. I assumed you were visiting a friend.” I smirk.
“Well, I can only assume you live on one of the floors above mine. Process of elimination.” He leans toward me and whispers, “I’m getting closer.”
I roll my eyes. “Stalker.”
“Me? You showed up on my floor!”
The elevator doors open, and we exit. Before we part ways on campus, he slides a note into my bag. He hurries off while I look down. I take the note and unfold the paper:
Nice Try. But you’ll have to try harder…next time ;).
Attached is the twenty dollars I’d slipped in his jacket pocket the day we had lunch together. Little does Jonah know, that small act just brightened my day. It was so normal, simple, and separate from all the crazy in my life. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like an ordinary young girl. Not someone grieving the loss of her best friend. Not someone going through an unplanned pregnancy. Not someone who was just disowned by her parents. Nope. It was a carefree interaction. It’s been a while since I’ve had one of those. I didn’t realize how bad I needed one and longed for it. An act so effortless to him, completely changed my day.
A week later and I still haven’t spoken to my parents. I haven’t told anyone about what happened. Today, after class, Alice is going with me to my doctor’s appointment. I’m eager to see how much my baby has grown. It’s a beautiful day, so I decide to take a detour on my way to class and walk through the park and by the pond. I also haven’t seen Trent. That hurts me more than I care to admit. Plus, I still haven’t told him the truth. The guilt he feels thinking he slept with me while I’m carrying Landon’s baby is breaking my heart. I d
idn’t realize how much it would bother him until I heard him at the cemetery. I’m hurting him, and the longer this goes on, the more it will destroy our relationship. His mom and sister know. I can’t keep it from him much longer. Now, I wonder how much worse it will be if he hears the truth from them, instead of me, but the thought of telling him makes my stomach feel like…
Wait—that’s not…
I get off the sidewalk and lean against a tree by the pond. I patiently wait. Just when I’m sure it was my imagination…I feel it. The faintest sensation of tiny flutters, almost a whisper of movements inside me. I let out a surprised, delighted laugh. It’s unbelievable. My knees feel weak, and I slide down to the ground. The grass feels cool against my bare legs, despite the humid air.
I whisper to my belly, “Have you been moving this entire time? I’ve been thinking it was my nerves or just gas. Ha.” My eyes begin to water when I start to gently rub my belly. “I’m sorry I ignored you.”
As though the ba—my baby understands me, I feel a response with more flutters. My little butterfly. I notice a few dragonflies dancing across the pond. “Maybe you’re more of a dragonfly?” I sit and watch the dragonflies, a few moments longer, while patiently wait. The movements may be tiny, but they’re big enough to shift my entire world. Something clicks. “I’m not as alone as I thought, huh? You’re here.”
Closing my eyes, I allow myself to relax and enjoy this moment. My phone vibrates, and I find another missed call from Trent. I notice the time and stand quickly. I’ve completely lost track of time. Luckily, I still have ten minutes to get to my next class that’s down the hill.
My stomach grumbles, and I realize that I forgot to grab a snack on the way here. I was so distracted by feeling my baby move, I didn’t feed my baby. I really need to start keeping granola bars in my backpack.
I let out a huff of breath when I take my seat in English 101. Bexley chuckles next to me and leans forward. “Even if you were late, I doubt Professor Wilkins would notice. She’s yet to make eye-contact with a single student.”
Professor Wilkins clears her throat. Only after fifteen seconds of class, she tells us to read a chapter in our textbook and answer the questions. Bexley turns to me and raises her eyebrow. “Ridiculous. This should’ve been an online course.”
I open my textbook, but, before I begin reading, I notice Bexley is on a different chapter. “I think you’re on the wrong chapter.”
“I already did it. I got bored last night and read on the website what we were doing today. This is our next assignment.”
I nod, liking that idea. Might as well work ahead, when I can, especially when I need to find a job. My time is about to become very limited. Speaking of, I tap Bexley on the arm with my pencil.
“Sorry to bother you—”
She rolls her eyes, and I stop speaking. “I told you I want company during my most boring hour of the day. No need to apologize. What’s up?”
“Do you know if there are any places hiring around campus?”
“The gym! That’s where I’m going after this. I work there in the middle of the day. They’re looking for someone for the morning shift. I’ll bring you an application.”
“That would be great. I should tell you…” I lean closer to her and whisper, “I’m only seventeen. I don’t know if that’ll make a difference or not.”
Bexley’s eyes widen. “Wait. What? You’re seventeen? You don’t look it. And you’re in college? Are you some kind of genius?”
“No. I just was going through something and wanted to get out of my hometown early.” I look away, trying to push away the old emotions that begin to creep back in. I feel a warm hand on my arm and look over to Bexley.
“I get it. That’s amazing. Congratulations on achieving your goal. One down and now you’re moving on to your next goal, right?”
I give a small smile at her sweet words. “I guess so. Thank you.” I shrug. “I guess my main goal right now is finding employment.”
Bexley’s smile widens. “Chicka, you’ve already done it! You just have to fill out the application, but that job is yours. No worries.”
“Thank you. I’m really glad to be your ying.”
We both laugh and then hear Professor Wilkins clear her throat. When class is over, Bexley grabs her bag and waves. “I’ve got to hurry to work. But no worries on employment. I’ll bring you the application next class and then you can get started.”
“Thank you, Yang.”
“Think nothing of it, Ying!” She throws me a peace sign over her head as she walks out of the room.
I might have a job, but more than that, I think I just made a new friend.
Alice is in our room when I get back from my classes. She’s video chatting with Noah. They try to talk at least once a month, but it’s not always possible. During their conversations, I try to make myself scarce to allow them some privacy since their time together is short and precious.
“Congratulations, Rachel!” Noah calls out.
I guess Alice told him. She gives me a sheepish grin. Yup.
“I figured it was okay by now. I think the secret’s out,” she looks toward my belly, “just like your baby bump.”
I roll my eyes at her attempt at humor, then smile to myself, because that’s the kind of thing Landon would’ve said. “Thank you, Noah. I can’t wait to see you in December.”
“Maybe you’ll have the baby by then, and I’ll get to meet him-er-her…Do you know the gender yet?”
I shake my head, but then shrug, raising my hands. “Maybe today’s the day I’ll know.”
Alice’s eyes grow wide. “Do you want to know? Can I throw you a gender reveal party?”
I wrinkle my nose. “I appreciate the offer, but I feel like I just had the pregnancy reveal party.”
She frowns, and I watch while her body, literally, deflates with her mood. I hate how she looks like I just completely popped her bubble. “How about you throw me a baby shower?”
She squeals and jumps up to wrap her arms around me in a bear hug. “Thank you!”
“Awesome!” Noah cheers. “Hey, Alice, I’ve gotta go.”
There’s a knock at the door. My eyebrows pull together. “Are you expecting anyone?” She shrugs and rushes to her computer to tell Noah bye.
As they gush about who loves who more, I walk over to answer the door. Trent.
“Hey,” I say, barely above a whisper.
With his hands in his dark denim pockets, he looks me up and down. “You ready?”
“Ready?”
Alice squeezes past us with her soccer bag thrown over her shoulder. “I was about to tell you. Coach wants to get some extra practices in but no worries. Uncle Trent is here!”
Uncle Trent is here. I suck my lip in and bite down, so hard, it hurts. My heart thumps against my ribcage. Okay. No worries. Uncle Trent can just leave. Without a word, I snatch my purse off the chair. All three of us exit the room. Alice locks the door behind us.
We step into the elevator, Alice standing between me and Trent. The confined space is filled with tension. Alice gives my arm a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry I have to bail. But Trent offered. I know you’ll be in good hands.”
I cut my eyes to Trent, who is doing the same to me. The doors open, and Alice hurries off to practice. Trent and I wordlessly walk to the parking lot. As I start to head toward my car, he calls out, “I’m parked over here. I can drive if you want?”
“I’m taking my car.”
“Rach.”
I walk faster and call out. “Thank you for coming, but I can do this…on my own.”
“Rachel.”
I unlock my car and open the door. Trent rushes over and jumps in the passenger side, before I can hit the lock button. “Rachel.”
“Trent.” I mimic, then buckle up.
“I’m going with you. Let me. Allow me to be there for you. We both need this. I want to be able, for once, to be there for someone when they need me. And I think you need someone too.
Even if it’s just for someone to hold your hand.” He holds his big, strong hand out to me. “I have really good hands for holding.”
Why does he have to do this? Why does he have to offer me these swoon-worthy moments with those gorgeous blue eyes and stupid sexy smile? I love his words and the compassion in his voice. That’s the problem, though. I love everything about him, except that he’s not mine. How can I sit in that office and watch him hear about his baby, but not realize it? Is now the right time to tell him? Yesterday was the right time. Last week, last month—as soon as I found out, I should’ve told him. But how do I tell him? When I don’t answer, he holds his phone up. “Fine. I’ll call Alice. Then she’ll get in trouble with her coach to come be with you because, you know, she’ll feel horrible if you go alone.”
Swoon-worthy moment gone. There’s the manipulating asshole side of Trent Randall. Him, I can deal with it. I start my car and pull the gear shift down. “Buckle up, Prick.”
After a few minutes of driving without speaking, Trent breaks the silence. “I went through the baby section at the store the other day and that stuff is ridiculously expensive.”
“You went through the baby section?” A warmth spreads through my body, imagining him strolling through the aisles. I’m most excited that he did this on his own.
He acts nonchalant, but I see a small tinge of pink color his cheeks. “I was curious. Plus, I like to be prepared.” Funny, you weren’t prepared the night I got pregnant. As if he can read my mind, I feel his eyes burning into me, as he says, “Though, there have been a few times I wasn’t prepared.” I swallow but don’t answer. “We’ve had one or two heated moments that I wasn’t prepared for.”
“Life does that. Throws us into situations we’re not prepared for.” I shove the gear shift into park and turn off my car, while Trent unbuckles his seat belt. He looks at the clinic; he has the goofiest grin on his face.
I look at the clinic, but don’t see what could be so amusing. “What? What is it?”
