Breathe

by Lila Kane

  “I’m not sure,” I told her. “But you’ll be the first to know when I figure it out.”

  Paige grinned. “Deal.” The elevator dinged and her eyes widened. “Is that him?”

  “Probably.”

  “Okay, I’m going to go and peek through the door to get a better look if you don’t mind.”

  I laughed. “Or I could just introduce you.”

  She waved her hand over her shoulder as she headed down the hallway. “Another time!”

  Finn came into view a moment later. He’d changed into dark jeans and a navy jacket, almost the exact color of my dress. When he saw me, a slow grin spread on his face.

  “Waiting for me?” he asked.

  I smiled. “Talking with my neighbor.”

  “I saw someone vanish into one of those apartments down there.” His eyes crinkled. “A woman.”

  “Yes, Finn. A woman. You feel better?”

  He propped his shoulder against the door. “You called me Finn without hesitating and you’re not flirting with a male neighbor. I feel a lot better. And you look beautiful, by the way.”

  “Thank you.” It was a compliment he doled out easily—or used to—but it still felt nice. “I need to grab my purse and maybe a sweater. You can come in.”

  He stepped inside the apartment and looked around while I retrieved my things. “It looks the same as last time,” he said when I came back down the hallway.

  “What did you expect? New furniture?”

  He rubbed his jaw. “Stuff. Knick-knacks or pictures or…books. You were always reading books and listening to music, and it looks like you haven’t moved in yet.”

  My smiled was tight. “I travel a lot lighter than I used to.”

  He snagged my hand when I got close. “Maybe after a few glasses of wine, you’ll explain to me what that means.”

  “You should appreciate the mystery.”

  I tried to ease my hand from his, but he held it to his chest, making me step close enough to him to smell his cologne. “Finn.”

  “I do appreciate the mystery,” he said, his eyes roaming my face. “I have been. But a few clues here and there would tide me over.”

  Meaning he wanted more from me. He wanted me to open up. I used to be an open book. Maybe he hadn’t realized all the ways I’d changed yet.

  “I need time,” I said, tipping my chin to meet his eyes. “Finn, please.”

  He released my hand with a nod. I didn’t miss the flicker of disappointment on his face, but he covered it quickly with a smile. “Ready to go?”

  I nodded, pulling the door closed behind me. I checked the handle again just to make sure the door was locked. If Finn noticed, he didn’t say anything.

  When we got in the elevator, he slid his card into the slot by the number pad and pressed the top floor.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Going to my place. More privacy that way.”

  “We’re having a wine tasting in your apartment?”

  “Sure. Why not?”

  I shook my head. Of course Finn had arranged this night so we’d have more time together. It only irritated me long enough to realize it was probably better this way.

  “Besides,” he continued, “you smell so good I want to keep you to myself.”

  He stood closer than necessary, but I only smiled. “Whatever works for you.”

  “This is working pretty well for me so far. It’d work better if you’d let me touch you.”

  The elevator slowed to a stop. I grinned. “You’re going to have to feed me first.”

  “Already taken care of.”

  I glanced at him swiftly, but he just took my elbow and guided us into his apartment. I was completely distracted by the view. That was the first thing I noticed. I walked straight across the shiny tile, between furniture that had to have cost more than my car, and stepped up to the wide bank of windows. It was the same view as I had from my apartment, but higher. Farther. More spectacular.

  Finn’s cologne surrounded me when he stepped to my side. “Amazing, isn’t it?”

  “Is that the ocean I see out there?”

  “Yes. Changing your mind about the apartment?”

  In that split second of hesitation, he smiled. I shook my head. “No. I need to be where I am.”

  “You might change your mind after I show you around. The bathroom is as good as the view. The shower, the Jacuzzi tub.”

  I faced him, putting on my most professional face. “I am not going anywhere near your bathroom.”

  He grinned. “We’ll see about that. Ready to eat?”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The dining table sat close the window, and the view distracted me. After the sun started to sink lower, bathing the world in orange and pink, dots of light came on all over the city.

  Finn had ordered from the restaurant downstairs and we had a wide spread of food I couldn’t dream of finishing. After opening several bottles of wine to taste, the couple who had come to show us our options left us alone to discuss.

  “I think I’ll take one of each,” I told Finn, relaxed enough I’d slid my shoes off under the table.

  “How about a couple of each? Pick your favorites. I’ll have Amanda deliver them to your apartment.”

  “Amanda?” I grinned. “She wouldn’t stop looking at you all night.”

  I’d meant to tease him, but he didn’t look amused. He grabbed his wine glass, a dark red that I thought Paige might like, and sipped slowly.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I just crossed the professional boundary.”

  His eyes met mine in the dim lighting. Candles flickered from holders on the table, casting shadows on his face. “This entire evening crossed the professional boundary.”

  “You’re right.” My head felt a little fuzzy, but not enough to not realize where this was going. Not enough to know I could fix it before it went any further. I straightened in my seat, sliding my shoes on. “I appreciate the wine and dinner. And yes, I’d like a couple of each. Except for this one.” I pointed to the red he was sipping. “I’ll take four of those.”

  “Done. Charlotte—” He reached out, touching my wrist gently. “Don’t go there.”

  I looked around. “Where?”

  “You’re thinking that this was a nice dinner, a nice way to catch up, and now it would be best if you went home and back to the real world.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Now you can read minds?”

  “You’re getting defensive, so I know I’m right.”

  I stood. I was getting defensive. It didn’t feel good. I wanted to be on even ground. No, I wanted to be in control. With the wine and Finn looking at me the way he was, I definitely didn’t feel in control.

  “Yes, it would be best for me to get back to the real world.” I forced an easy smile. “Work tomorrow.”

  Finn was out of his seat and in front of me faster than I could blink. “Don’t go.”

  “Finn.” I dropped my chin. “It’s better this way.”

  His fingers slid up my shoulder and touched my chin, lifting it. I shivered and then frowned because he could still affect me. “Which way is that?”

  My eyes danced across his features, trying to read what was there. A deeper interest, or just the same spark that had drawn us together in the first place? “Co-workers.”

  He grimaced. “That sounds horrible. And not good enough.”

  My stomach fluttered with nerves. “Friends. I might be able to give you that.”

  When he laughed, it shook me all the way to my core. His lips were curved, but there was still fire in his eyes that burned me. He wasn’t amused. And he wasn’t in agreement with what I was saying.

  His fingers traveled up my jaw and brushed my cheekbone before he moved closer, our bodies touching the entire way down.

  “Finn,” I whispered. “This isn’t fair.”

  “How’s that?”

  When his arms came around me, I melted into him, my cheek brushing his shoulder. �
�It’s your place…” With the lights low, candles flickering, and stars coming alive outside the window. “And the wine,” I continued. “And you.”

  He squeezed his arms around me, and his lips brushed my ear. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this. So if my place and the wine helps…”

  His words wove through my foggy brain. I eased back as far as he would allow, my eyes meeting his. “Waiting a long time for this?”

  “I tried calling you,” he said.

  “For Oasis. Or—or to apologize.”

  “For more than that. For everything. To tell you I’m sorry. To tell you about Oasis. To let you know I wanted you here with me for the whole project—and with me. With me, Charlotte, because I shouldn’t have fucked things up between us. I—”

  “Okay, stop. Hold on.” When he opened his mouth again, I pressed a hand to his chest. “Let go, please.”

  He released me, taking the warmth of his arms away as well. I stepped back, feeling wobbly on my heels.

  He spread his hands. “You know this is why I wanted you to come here tonight. So we can get to the bottom of this.”

  I swallowed. I did know that. And then the dinner was so nice, and the view, and the wine, and we hadn’t talked about relationships or anything involving them the entire time. I thought maybe…he’d just let it go. That we could exist in the same room as friends. As people who knew each other well enough to be comfortable. We used to have fun together.

  But deep down I knew it was more than just dinner. And more than just an attempt at friendship.

  “Here.” Finn grabbed our wine glasses and gestured to the couch. “Let’s sit.”

  I followed him to the couch that faced the windows. A low lamp was on in the corner and candles glimmered on the end tables and the coffee table as well. Finn handed me my glass when I sat down and seated himself with a comfortable distance between us.

  “Let’s do this your way,” he said. “Businesslike.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, suspicious.

  He angled toward me, knee bent halfway on the couch. “We’ll break it down. Nice and simple.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Like I’m a little kid?”

  “No,” he said, face serious. “Like this is the most important project I’ve ever had and I don’t want to fuck it up again.”

  Chills raced across my arms. His gaze was so steady. I’d seen him like this before. When Finn knew what he wanted, he went for it, heart, body, mind, and soul. But he’d never looked like this about a relationship before. When we were young, it had been school. Or business. Or both. He’d known what he wanted even back then and he could be ruthless in getting it.

  “I want us again,” Finn said.

  “What we had before was—”

  “No, I said that wrong. I want us, but not like it was before. I want the ease of friendship, sure, but I’m not going into this the same way I was before, and I’m sure you aren’t either.”

  “How are you sure about that?”

  “You’ve changed.” Finn studied my face. I looked away. “You’re stronger—not that you weren’t before—but there’s an independence that wasn’t there. And a vulnerability that wasn’t either.”

  I opened my mouth to protest, but he was right. He had that same vulnerability. Like we’d both spent time in the real world and knew that it could chew you up and spit you out. Much of the time, the world didn’t give a fuck if you got kicked when you were down. I’d been there before. I’d lost Finn, met Mark, and just when I thought I was finally ready to move on—to be in a steady, good place—Mark turned on me, too. Life and people could be ruthless. You had to protect yourself as much as possible.

  But now Finn was trying to break through those walls. I didn’t know if I could let him.

  “What is it?” Finn asked.

  My throat dried. I shook my head.

  He set his wine glass on the table and reached for my free hand. I let him take it. “Please, Charlotte. I need to know what you’re thinking.”

  “I…” What was I thinking? I was thinking this was crazy, that I’d come here to start over, to be free. Instead, I was delving back into my past. “I don’t know if I can.”

  “With me?”

  “With anyone,” I blurted, then pressed my lips together. My hand was shaking, and Finn took my glass to set it beside his. “I didn’t mean that. I meant—”

  “It’s going to come up, Charlotte.”

  “What is?”

  He squeezed my hand. “Your past. What happened. If it’s affecting you this much—”

  “It’s not affecting me. It’s not.” I jerked my hand from his and got to my feet. “I need to go.”

  He didn’t move. “You’re running from something. Is it me?”

  My mouth opened, but nothing came out. I was running. From everything. Something twisted in my chest. It was heartbreak—that’s what I was running from. It was everything I thought I had with Finn and then lost. Everything I thought I had with Mark and then lost. I was running to protect myself.

  I pressed my hands to my face, trying to pull in a deep breath. Trying not to get worked up. This wasn’t control, and I needed control.

  I didn’t hear Finn move, only felt his arms around me, holding me close to his chest so gently, I broke down.

  “Don’t,” I whispered.

  “I’m not letting you go. Not this time.”

  “Finn…” My voice cracked, and I sobbed. “I can’t do this.”

  “One thing at a time,” he said.

  He pulled my hands from my face, brushing tears with his thumbs. “One thing at a time,” he repeated, tucking a few stray hairs behind my ears. “I’m not going to hurt you, okay? You know that’s not the kind of guy I am.”

  My chin trembled.

  “Say it,” he whispered. “Say you know that. For me.”

  “I know that. You’re not that kind of guy.”

  “So the first step is trust. I’ll be here for you, even if we have to start as friends.”

  I searched his eyes for any sign of insincerity but found none. He was willing to be my friend if I had to take it that slowly. He was willing to be here for me.

  “Sit. Take a breath,” Finn suggested, “and we’ll handle one thing at a time.”

  “It would probably be best if I went home.”

  He sighed. “Please. Ten minutes. And if you still want to go home, I’ll walk you there myself.”

  God, why did he keep doing this? He knew how badly I wanted someone to confide in. That had to be it. He knew that being around him made me feel safe. It made me want to trust again, and that was almost as scary as leaving Mark had been.

  “Ten minutes,” Finn repeated.

  I sat down, tucking my feet up on the cushion with me. He snagged a throw off the back of the couch and settled it on my legs. The motion made my lips curve just slightly.

  “Did he hurt you?” Finn asked.

  The smile faded. I rubbed the ache in my chest.

  “Emotionally,” Finn said, “I know he did. Physically, did he hurt you?”

  I licked my lips and nodded.

  “Shit,” Finn hissed, standing. “More than once?”

  “Finn, this isn’t—”

  “I need to know.” He propped his hands on his hips, storm clouds in his eyes. “Charlotte, I need to know.”

  I swallowed down fear. I’d never told anyone except Christie. Even then, she didn’t know the details. But she’d seen the bruises.

  “More than once,” I whispered.

  “Damn it, Charlotte!” Finn ran a hand through his hair, looking murderous. “You should have come to me. You could have—”

  “What?” I asked. “We weren’t together anymore. You made it clear you didn’t want to be with me. We weren’t even friends at that point.”

  “I don’t care what we were. At the very least, you knew I cared about you. This isn’t right.”

  “This isn’t right. I know. But it’s done. It’s o
ver.”

  He faced me, drawing in a few deep breaths. “Is it? I don’t mean your relationship with him, so don’t look at me like that. I said you’re strong and I meant it. I know you left him. I mean, is he through with you?”

  My mouth opened soundlessly.

  “Are you still afraid of him?” Finn asked, walking to the couch and standing in front of me.

  I looked up, prepared to lie. Prepared to say, I’m not afraid of anyone. But it wasn’t the truth.

  “I’m terrified.”

  Finn dropped to the couch next to me. He gripped my hand. “I’ll take care it.”

  “No, wait. Finn. I moved. I got away from him.”

  “Then what was this morning at the gym about?”

  “A…mistake. I thought I saw something—or heard something. But, I’m sensitive still.” I was still prepared to see him around every corner, but in reality I hadn’t seen him in months. He hadn’t been bothering me like before.

  “It won’t hurt to look into things,” Finn said.

  I shook my head. “I don’t want that. I did what I had to do. I’m here now and I’m ready to let it all go. It’ll help if you do, too.”

  Finn’s jaw shifted. “I can’t promise that.”

  “Try for me,” I said, my voice hard. “You’re asking a lot of me to be here, and to consider giving us another try. The least you can do is let me handle Mark and my past on my own.”

  “That’s a lot to ask of me, too,” Finn growled, running his hand through his hair again. “To forget that he put his fucking hands on you and—” He broke off at the look on my face. “I’m sorry,” he hissed. “Just—okay, don’t go. We’ll drop it for now, okay?” When I didn’t answer, he brushed his thumb across my knuckles. “Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Good.” It took another moment, but I saw the tension drain from his face and his shoulders. He smiled at me. “There’s a chance here. A second chance—and a new beginning. I want that with you.”

  He leaned in, his breath touching my lips. I was held there, suspended in a long moment of anticipation and hesitation. In a moment of want and need and simultaneous worry.

  Then he swooped in and all my fears vanished. Finn’s lips touched mine, just a brush and a taste before he shifted and wrapped his arms around me. I pressed against him, dropping my inhibitions long enough to simply feel.