The Locker Room

by Amy Lane

  Apparently being gay and in love trumped some of that superstition, at least now.

  “Remember last summer?” Chris murmured as they walked.

  Xander grunted,“Yes.”

  Theyd rented a tiny cottage on Bald Head Island, one with two bedrooms and a couch.Chriss family had come to visit for two weeks, and Xander and Chris had spent an hour before they arrived trying to figure out how to make it look like Xander had been using the other bedroom, while they were moving all his shit into the front room to make room for his parents, with Penny on a cot in Chriss room.

  The night after they arrived, after Andi and Jed had taken them to dinner at probably the nicest restaurant Xander had ever been to outside a booster dinner at the school, they were all getting ready to go to bed, and Andi and Jed had looked at each other meaningfully.

  Jed gave his son a one-armed hug and said,“Good night, boys. You may want to let Penny sleep on the couch, okay?” before disappearing into the bedroom.

  Andi stayed out for another moment, and looked at them with bright eyes. She was still a pretty woman, with curling blonde hair, although Xander had noticed that more of the blonde had come from a bottle than it had seven years earlier, and the fine lines around her eyes had grown deeper and (from Xanders point of view) kinder and wiser.

  She didnt kiss Chris right away. She stood on her tiptoes and pulled Xander (a full six foot nine by now) down so she could kiss his temple and whisper in his ear, “You will always be part of our family, sweetheart.” When she was done, she gave Chris a long hug and then disappeared into the bedroom with her husband.

  Chris and Xander werent anywhere near tired. They asked Penny if she wanted to stay up and play video games or Trivial Pursuit or something, and she looked at them levelly and said, “How about I tell you guys a story?”

  Chris and Xander looked at each other, and Penny took the stuffed chair and gestured at them grandly to ensconce themselves on the couch. They sat, and Xander realized with a start that Penny was beginning her first year of college. He wondered hopefully if there wasanyone shed write to as she left, or anyone shed miss. Maybe Penny would spend her college days in that passion/drama/romance play that Xander had seen most of the other guys partaking of during their time at Chapel Hill, and in a way he wished that for her.Hed loved having Chris as his anchor, and wouldnt have traded that security or that kindness for a thing on the planet, but Penny was braver than he was. Penny had tried band, and drama, and soccer, and academic decathlon.Shed run for student body offices, taken guitar lessons on her own, and worked at Jamba Juice, the book store, and Starbucks. Penny, he thought, looking at Chriss dark eyes in a sweet, mischievous female face, was meant for great adventures in the wide world. Xander was fully aware that his heart would not survive his adventures unless the other half of it were beating in time.

  “See, heres the story,” Penny said now, after an almost nervous pause.“Once upon a time there was a little girl named Penny, who had a horrible crush on her brothers best friend.”

  “Aww, Penny, really?” Chris groaned, trying to keep things light.

  “She thought it was true love, Christian, you bastard, so shut the hell up and listen, okay?”

  Christian rolled his eyes at Xander, but Xander couldnt laugh back.Unlike Chris, who didnt seem to know where this was going, Xander had a congealed, belated fear in his stomach, a terrible adrenaline rush, as though hed been caught doing something bad, and the consequences were worse than he had ever imagined.

  “Were listening,” he said quietly, and he resisted the temptation to takeChriss hand. There was another quiet, one they could hear the ocean in, and Xander realized he loved that sound.God, wouldnt it be wonderful to live near the ocean for the rest of his life?

  Penny reached out and patted his knee. Xander was leaning forward, his outsized body trying not to spangle over the couch like a Mylar decoration, and that hand on his knee was close enough to his face to stop and pat his cheek.

  “I know youre listening, Xander. You always listened to me. You were the one quiet voice in our house, and I loved you for it. I really did love you, you know. I mean, I know it was junior high, but you were every boy I ever wanted to kiss me. I dreamed of it, right? And then, when your life fell completely apart, and you were sent to some sort of dorm for boys no one wanted, I was devastated. I wanted so badly for us to want you.I heard my parents talking one night, and I thought, „Yes! We can keep him here! and I was so excited, right?”

  Xander looked up at her, and for the first time realized how much time had passed since that moment. Five years, nearly six. He and Christian had been children when hed spent those months in a halfway house. Penny had been even younger. He looked sideways at Christian, who still didnt know where this was going. In this moment, in spite of the phenomenal bulking up the two of them had done, in spite of the many stolen moments as lovers, and the fierce moments honing them into competitors, Chris looked just as young this day.

  “I didnt know I was enough to get excited about,” Xander said with a smile, and hewished for her brothers hand like anything.

  “You were,” Penny said with a faint smile of her own. “So one morning, as Im getting ready for school, I hear the boy of my dreams outside, talking to my dumbass brother, and I open the door to go outside and gossip with them, because, hey, they used to talk to me about high school, and I figured theyd want to hear this, right?”

  Xander shut his eyes. “Thats why you were crying,” he said softly, and Chris said, “When was she crying? Penny, would you get to the point?”

  Penny patted Xanders knee again. “The point, dumbass, is that our parents know. They were sort of suspicious by your senior year, but they kept thinking that you and Xander would somehow get that twin-at-thehip detachment in the last three years.It obviously hasnt happened, because you guys had to go and just… just… explode the odds books by being two boys from high school who play together through college. For all I know, youll end up playing the same team in the pros, because sometimes the gods are just that kind, but it doesnt matter. This little charade you guys got?The reason you didnt want to come home? The fact that youve been here for a week and nobody in town knew you were here?I mean… you heard that waitress tonight. She was fawning all over the two of you, and telling people that shed have to pass the word that you were here. And I watched you two, trying to crawl under the table with your buttmuscles alone, and I realized that youd been hiding.Just like you thought youd been hiding from Mom and Dad. Well,stop it!”

  Penny wiped her face with the back of a shaking hand, and Xander reached out and took that hand and placed a little kiss on the wrist. “Dont cry, Penny,” he said softly. “We never meant to hurt you.”

  “Thats not why Im crying, Xan. Im crying because… you guys. Dad watches all the sports shows.Do you watch the sports shows?”

  Xander and Chris looked at each other and shrugged. They had, at first. They had watched for news on the pros and on their beloved (and horrible) Sacramento Kings and they had watched the All-Stars and all of those shows that made basketball still glorious and amazing and so, so, so, out of their reach.

  And then theyd started seeing themselves up on the screen.

  The first time Chris had seen Xander on television for UNC, after their high school recruitment frenzyhad passed and theyd been playing college ball, hed been ecstatic. Xander had been mortified, and then the shot had taken in Chris in one of their flawless passes, one of their perfect moments of synchronicity, where Xander passed the ball to Cliff (who had changed positions to keep playing with them) who passed to Chris, who went up for the dunk which Xander made in his wake, and then their patented high five/down-low as they crossed paths on the deck, and theyd looked at each other in horror.

  How could anyone watching that not know they were lovers?

  They hadnt watched any more tape after that, unless Coach made them watch game tape. For some reason, watching game tape was different—clinical—like the differen
ce between feeling each other up in the stolen darkness or getting their prostates examined by the doctor. Either way it was naked, like the whole world got to see a part of them they wanted hidden from everyone but each other, but for some reason, on the court, no one saw it for what it was.

  The press, in its relentless quest to make mens basketball the game for warriors, had dubbed them “the happiness twins,” and speculation abounded on whether the two of them would manage the impossible, odds-shattering feat of being recruited by the same team. Xander had been courted by an agent already, and he and Chris had agreed on it. They would play nowhere if it wasnt together.

  So Xander knew exactly what Penny was talking about, in spite of four years of denial as he and Chris had tried hard not to think about it.

  “No,” he said softly. “We dont watch the sports shows.”

  Penny took a deep, shuddering breath.“You guys, me, Mom, Dad—we may be the only people on earth who know who you are. Who you really are, and what you mean to each other. Maybe you should man up, tomorrow, and just be who you really are.Because the whole worlds going to be watching you, and seeing what they want to see.Wouldnt it be nice to have people who love you for yourselves?”

  Xander had needed to close his eyes then, blocking out the pleasant late twilight, magnified off the gray hush of the sea. The terrifying blackness of the world beyond the microscope lens was before his eyes, and he shivered, just shivered, trying hard not to cry like Penny was, until Christian grabbed his hand and said, “Dont worry, Xander. Ill tell them.”

  “We dont have to tell them, Chris. All you have to do is give me a goodmorning kiss at the breakfast table, and theyll know.”

  Chris sucked in his breath, and then, thank the gods, took Xanders hand to his lips, and said, “Okay. So thats what well do.”

  And thats how they did it. Andi and Jed had looked at them, smiled a little sadly, and said, “Good morning, boys. What do you want to do today?”

  And that had been it.Theyd spent the vacation with Chriss parents holding hands on the beach and playing Scrabble and video games and touring North Carolina in a rented minivan.Theyd managed one of the happiest memories of Xanders entire life.

  And now, as Christian dragged him tippsily into the misty dawn of the quiet of the arboreatum, Xander remembered that moment so clearly, he could almost feel the clench of Chriss hand in his as Penny had finished speaking.

  “Of course,” he said more loudly now. “How could I forget last summer?”

  Chris hauled him to a big tree, and Xander found himself pressed up against the side of it, and Chriss mouth, tasting pleasantly of beer and barbecue sandwich, invaded his.

  He opened for Chris, regardless of the risk or the chill in the air, regardless of the potential for everything theyd worked for to implode. He opened his mouth for Chris because he had to, because Chris was bigger than basketball, more important than the court, more important than their careers, just more important than anything, and even though hed started to be their voice in the interviews, the public face of the team, he just didnt know how to say that anyway at all to the person who needed to hear it.

  So he opened his mouth and let his lover in. He let Christian Edwards, the most beautiful man hed ever known, go down on his knees and pull Xanders hardened cock into his mouth, and worship him in the misty North Carolina dawn, because who they were to the world had become so much bigger than they felt, and who they were to each other was so much more than words.

  THE NBA draft was a blur, a terrible, frightening blur of flashbulbs and sound bites and uncomfortable suits and people talking to him like he and Chris would understand all that shit anyway.

  If it hadnt been for Leo Schindler, they wouldnt have made it. Leo had been the most persistent agent to track them down, and what had made up Xanders mind about him had been an unexpected thing.Hed been sitting in Xanders dorm, on the bed because Chris had the chair, and Xander had been saying for the umpteenth thousand time that he didnt go anywhere without Chris.

  Leo had been shining them on.

  “Now cmon, boys—no one does that. The odds of getting you drafted onto the same team? Astro-fucking-nomical. I mean, I can represent Chris, but other than that, I dont see what else we can do.”

  Leo was one of the shortest men Xander had ever met. He stood about five foot three and looked like a leprechaun, with bright red hair and a ruddy complexion and some of the most flamboyantly gay gestures either of the boys had ever seen in someone related to sports. Even now, in their room, he was wearing a natty pinstripe suit with a bright pink necktie and matching kerchief in his pocket. He sat with his legs crossed, and his fingers locked around his knee, as though he were presiding over one of those womens shows like The View.Every now and then hed let limpid green eyes linger over Christian, and it was starting to piss Xander off. He was pretty sure he could handle it if they were straight, or if Leo was a girl, but dammit, Christian was his.

  “Now, Oregon wants you really bad, Xander—the signing bonus thats on the table, I mean, that alone should give you a hard-on, and Chris? The Kings are pretty high up in the draft this year, but I think we can do better than that—”

  “The Kings?” Chris and Xander both said in unison, and Leo rolled his eyes and patted Chriss cheek.

  “Look, sweetcakes, I get it. I do. You guys want to go home. Totally understandable.But that just doesnt happen, okay? I mean, guys… theyre not the worst team in the league… by about two games, theyre not the worst team in the league.”

  Of course Xander and Chris knew about Sacramentos stats. It didnt matter. That was their team, the team theyd grown up loving. There was no way on the planet theyd give up a chance to play for their team. They met excited eyes, and Chris grinned playfully, and Leo, who had just patted his cheek as he sat there, pinched it now.

  “Ohmigod, arent you adorable! Oh, honey, it is a real shame I wasnt that kind of agent, because you and me, we could do some business on the modeling front, oh yes we could.”

  Chris jerked back, startled, and Xander felt a surge of real jealousy for the first time in his life.“Get your hands off him and get out of my room!” he roared, vision red, and then Leo, who hadnt seemed to stop talking since the coach had introduced him to Xander, grew very, very still.

  Xander flushed uncomfortably, and Chris cocked his head and shook it, grimacing with good nature, and Leo looked from one of them to the other and then let out a low whistle.

  “Who knows?” he asked, all of his flamboyance gone.

  “I dont know what youre talking about,” Xander said, keeping his face blank.

  “Dont bullshit me, kid. One of you gets busted with a chickenhawk in the middle of the night, who do you think is going to be the one to bail you out and cover to the press about drinking too much on painkillers? Who knows about you two? I need to know names, and I need to know now, or youre going to have to get yourself an agent who will not get your particular needs, do you hear me?”

  It was like a furnace opened up from Leos mouth and sucked all the air out of the room. Chris was the one who managed to answer, and Xander could only listen to him, half crazy with the mixture of hope and despair. How many people really play ball after college, after all? Chris is for the rest of your life.

  “My parents and my little sister,” Chris said quietly. “But they didnt know for sure until last year.”

  Leos mouth pinched in at the sides. “So what was your plan, guys? See each other on the weekends for the occasional bang? Pretend to be roommates on multimillion-dollar salaries? What in the hell did you have in mind?”

  “Giving up basketball so we could be together?” Xander asked rhetorically, and Chris said, “Dont even fucking mention it!” his voice as angry as Xander had ever heard it.

  “Chris!” Dammit, Xander was pretty sure it was a romantic gesture, but Chris wasnt looking flattered.

  “Basketball makes you get up in the morning. When youre on the court, your face is as open as day, Xander.Its
the only time ever that the whole world can see in you what you let me see all the time.Im not going to let you give that up. Not now.Not when theres a whole lot of time you still have.”

  “And what about you?” Didnt Chris want a home? Because Xander wanted a home, dammit, and you couldnt have one when you were playing in one state and your lover was playing on the other, and you could only pretend to see each other personally once in a while!

  “I love the game too,” Chris conceded—buthe wasnt passionate about it, not by a long shot, and Xanders heart grew tight and painful in his chest. He wanted a home too. Xander had grown up knowing what Chris wanted from life, and it didnt have anything to do with living on different sides of the country.

  “Well, Ill give it up before—”

  “No no no no no no!!!” Leo snapped, standing up and pacing.“My God. You two boys have the NBA panting after you like Comic-Con fans after Joss Whedon. Do you think that just comes along for nothing? I mean….”

  Leo turned and looked at them, and for the first time there was more than flirtatiousness or venality on his ruddy, blunt features.“Guys, Ive seen you move on the court. Its the whole reason I got into this business. Because when human beings can do what you do… God. Its fucking inspirational.You dont just take that talent and flush it away because you think youre in love!”

  “Weve been in love since high school,” Xander said with dignity, and Leo nodded his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

  “Well,thats nice. I hope its all sparkly and peachy and everything, because I think we can do this. I think we can pull this off. Itll mean I sign a first-round draft pick with the worlds crappiest team, and thatll make me look like shit, but I think we can do it. Because, guys… Id give a whole lot of commission to be able to see you two play on the pro floor, and say that yeah, youre my guys.”