The Locker Room

by Amy Lane

  “Well, man, as fun as this has been—”

  “No, wait!” Xander begged. “Please? Its… I dont want to hang up yet, okay?”

  Chriss voice turned gentle, soft, and Xander suddenly forgot that Mandy was probably up listening.

  “Ive got to shower, man. Our plane takes off in two hours, and Ive got half an hour to report, okay?”

  Oh yeah. Fuck.Last nights game had been against Boston.

  “Thanks for calling,” Xander whispered, his voice cracking, even though he was totally sincere.

  “I wouldnt miss it,” Chris murmured. “Can she hear?”

  “Ask me if I give a fuck.”

  “Okay, then.Ill say it.”

  “Please?” Xan hated begging, but God, he needed to hear it, which was weird, because they hadnt needed to say it much before.

  “I love you, Xan.”

  “I love you too, Chris.”

  “Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  And then the computer screen went dark.

  There was a waiting silence on the other side of the door. Then: “Xander, can I come in?”

  Xander sighed.Four oclock in the fucking morning. There were two things that should be happening in his bedroom at this hour, and the following conversation was not one of them!

  “Yeah.”

  Mandy looked around the vast bedroom curiously, from the dogs asleep on the floor with their pile of toys (which reassured her) to the prints on the wall (Chris tended to go for ink and watercolor, and Xander liked them. They looked real.) His suit was draped loosely on one of the two stuffed chairs in the corner and there were various things on the dresser: cuff links, ear studs (Chriss ear was pierced, and he liked flashy studs in it) combs, hair gel, even a new bottle of man-steurizer, that Xander couldnt bring himself to use because it didnt smell the same when it wasnt on Chriss skin. It was all littered in a vague sort of order, the sort of thing you could clean up quickly when you were in the mood, but why bother when you were just living your life, right?

  “This room is homey,” she said quietly. “The weight room looks used and shit, and the big TV room on this side of the house… they look happy. But none ofthe other rooms look… you know. Lived in.” She was wearing a franchise shirt, size XXLT, and it came to her knees and slid off her shoulders. She looked helpless and gamine—but not desirable. Not to him.

  Xander nodded.“Yeah.”

  “Xander, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to kick me out of this really nice fucking house?”

  Xander sighed.“If I answer you do I have to make you sign a confidentiality agreement to not blab the frickin answer all over the whole entire world?”

  Mandys eyes got big, and then she nodded and pursed her lips. “Youre really worried Id do that? You like… totally saved my life tonight?”

  “Mandy, this is our lives were talking about. Everything we love to do in the world depends on only a handful of people knowing.” That soundedso dire, didnt it? The weight of not telling the world seemed to press in on him like that damned box.

  “Okay,” she said softly, and she came to sit on the bed.“So now lets say I know too. You going to tell me what the bad dream was about?”

  Xander shook his head and laid his cheek on his knees.“You heard that?” he asked, embarrassed. He wondered if Penny had heard it too.

  “You were screaming, Xander.”

  “I dont usually get that loud when—”

  “When Chris is with you?” she asked delicately, and he nodded, still clutching himself into a little ball.

  “Can I rub your back, Xander? Kay? Because, you know, you gave me a hug and comforted me, and I have to admit, I got all starryeyed for a minute, and thought „Oh hell, yeah—hes way better than whatsisface with the lump on his skull, but you know? You were just hugging me to be a good guy. It almost means more now.Id like to return the favor.”

  Xander swallowed and nodded, and that tiny hand came up and started to rub a circle between his shoulder blades. Mandy was maybe five foot eight, but to Xander, she seemed doll-sized. A tremble racked through him,and he relaxed a little more, and then Pennys voice said dryly, “Is this a slumber party? Can I join in too?”

  “Oh relax,” Mandy said, keeping good nature in the face of Pennys sarcasm. “Im not going to steal your brothers man, okay? He just had a bad dream, thats all.”

  “Oh, Jesus, Xander. Im sorry. I forgot.”

  Xander looked up at the two very different women and tried pathetically for a little bit of dignity.“I can take care of myself, thank you.Ill be fine.” Reluctantly he shook off that comforting hand on his back.“Really. Ladies, can we just, you know, all go back to our original beds, right?”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Penny walked further into the room and kissed Xander on the back of the head.“You enjoy your macho posturing, Xander.I promised Chris Id take care of you while I was here, and I will.”

  “Thanks,” he muttered into the cave of his knees. He said it gratefully, though, and Penny tousled his hair as she got up to leave. Mandy patted his back one last time and did the same thing, and then the door was closed and he was left alone in the lamplight. Hesitantly, testing the waters, he turned off the lamp, and was relieved when the darkness was merely soothing, and not pressing along his flesh like dead vampire slugs from hell.

  Apparently hed been properly comforted, and the thought made him drowsy enough to allow him to curl up into his absurdly large fetal ball and go back to sleep.

  MANDY stayed. The next day, Xander had a public appearance, and he got back to find that Penny had taken her to her friends apartment (“a class A dump with a shitty couch”) and had moved her into her room. Shed even put posters up. (Pop stars and dancers—no one Xander recognized, but then, not his thing, really.) Xander was a little bemused, but, as he said privately to Penny, hed always felt sort of guilty for that side of the house just sucking up space. Penny had laughed a little and patted his cheek.

  “The sweetest thing a bout the fact that you and my brother never had to grow up?Its that you still have hearts like children.”

  Xander didnt have the “childs heart” to point out that maybe it was because hed never had a chance to be a child when he was one, but then he saw her brown eyes grow dark, and thought maybe that had occurred to her without his help.

  And within a week, while Xander was still on the teams latest road trip, they had Audrey to make Xanders harem complete.

  “Another one?” Chris asked during their morning phone call, and Xander looked around the hotel room disconsolately.Theyd played in Arizona that night, and were set to take the early morning flight out.

  “Well, I gave her my e-mail address, and she e-mailed me to tell me shed have to cancel service.And then I said, „Wait—how are you going to go to do your school work? and she said she was more worried about keeping her apartment, and, well, I called home, and the next thing you know, Mandy and Penny were going to help her move yesterday morning.”

  “„The next thing you know?” Chris shook his head.“Xander, if you wanted to collect stray girls, all you had to do was say so. I feel like Ive been depriving you of something these last five years.”

  Xander grunted.“If I wanted to collect stray girls, I would have let you know.They just sensed a vacuum and swarmed.”

  That brought a laugh, and Chris smiled. Xander liked the crinkles at the corners of his eyes, and he especially liked the way they were getting deeper and more thoughtful. Oh, God. His whole body tingled with the need to be touched.

  “Well, Ill remember that the next time I visit. Maybe theyll leave the house in one big drove!”

  “If its you and me and the bed? I dont think Ill notice!” Xander told him truthfully, and Chris rolled his eyes. He called every morning, in time to wake Xander up from his dreams, and Xander was grateful. But comforting a frightened man from far away was far different from touching one close up. Some of those early-morning comforts had turned into making love, and… geez. Even just pa
ssing each other in the hallway, or a touch on the arm as one of them was standing at the counter.He wasnt just missing his friend, or his lover, he was missing his other half, and as much as he tried to tell himself to man up and get over it, he didnt feel like much of a man without Chris.

  Chriss smile faded, and his eyes became intent.“Hows the foot? I watched you play last night, and you were going balls out, but the minute the buzzer rang....”

  Xander grimaced.“Yeah, well, it didnt seem to hurt until then.” Hed gone down like a ton of bricks. The doc had rushed out with a crutch, and Xander had used it for the rest of the night. And the next night too. He could practice fine, but once he was off the court, um, ouch. Just fucking ouch.

  But while hed been on the court….

  Oh, hed forgotten how the world looked perfect, clear and simple there. Even the crowd disappeared when it was his heartbeat and the basketball and the clearest, simplest way to get that thing where it needed to go.

  “Yeah,” Chris sighed, lost in his own thoughts for a moment. “Nothing seems to hurt on court, does it?”

  And like that, their morning conversation was broken, and they were left with the raw fact that they wanted each other, and after twelve years of seeing each other daily, they had not touched in over two weeks.

  “I can cancel my charity stuff next week…,” Xander started reluctantly—his chosen charity was the local foster homes, and he hated to disappoint the kids.

  “And risk losing your contract? Idont think so. Besides….” Chris looked at him, an unmistakable tenderness in his eyes, even from the computer screen.“Xander, you… you need to do that. I can tell. It feeds something inside you.”

  “So do you,” Xander muttered, and Chris made a strangled sound.

  “Look… weve got a week until the All-Star break, okay?Ill book us adjoining rooms. You fly in, we do that banquet thing at the beginning, and… and every second were not out, doing the games and shit, well be together. I swear, okay?”

  Xander nodded and scrubbed his face. His nightmare that morning had been a doozy, and the pain in his foot had wormed its way into it, making him sure that vampire zombies were eating his toe. Sure, it sounded hilarious when the light was on and he was talking to Chris, but when he was suffocated by the weight of sleep and his own fears? There was nothing funny about it.

  “I can function without you,” Xander said by way of reassurance. “I can. I… I just dont…. Chris, you know how I used to think the lake was pretty in the winter? I liked all that bleakness, and the stark branches of the trees and the pewter gray color of the water… remember that?”

  Chris nodded.“Yeah.” Xander wasnt trying to write poetry—but that view from their window when they woke up, from their front room in the evening—Xander had stared out that window for hours.

  “Nothings pretty. I dont notice the smell of the air, and I dont care what I eat for breakfast.Its like… like—” Oh God. He was really going to say this. He had to say this.“Its like the world is dead without you, Chris.I… the only time I even see in color is when Im on the court.I… just,if you ever wonder which ones more important to me, the game or you, dont, okay? This is temporary. If this was permanent, if there wasnt a way out, Id cash in everything we had, take the dogs, and go teach history in some obscure school in bumfuckEgypt, okay?”

  Chris grimaced, and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “God. You think you know a guy, right?Xander… Xander, I swear… the next reporter who calls you Cave Man is going to have me ripping his tonsils out through his asshole. That is the most goddamned beautiful thing I think Ive ever heard. I love you too.And dont ever doubt it. Ill see you at the AllStars, right?”

  “Right.”

  “But now… baby, I heard your alarm there—youve got to go.”

  And he did. It was time to sign off and go.

  HE THOUGHT that Audrey was the only person home when he got through the door after his road trip. She was curled up on the couch in the living room with a schoolbook, and he was glad—it meant she hadnt gotten a job yet, and he felt good about that. Everyone needed help, right?

  Anyway, he invited Tim in for a soda (he declined), said hello to the dogs, and left them alone while he hobbled up to his room to change. He was tired and heartsore: theyd won four out of five of their away games and hed scored the bulk of the points, but Chris wasnt there to celebrate and his foot hurt like a sonuvabitch. He wanted so badly to go out to the running loop, the sanctuary, and spend time with his babies that he put on his running shoes and told his pain to shut the hell up, he was busy.

  But that wasnt quite what happened. What happened was, he hobbled down the stairs and Lucia had emerged from some magical place that shed been cleaning, with food, and Mandy had gotten back from her day job, (teaching preschool in Fair Oaks) with a movie, and Penny showed up with a pie, and suddenly Xander was grouped with a bunch of people, some of whom he didnt know very well at all, but they were eating dinner at his counter, and it just seemed rude to leave. He heaved his ass up on the counter stool and dug into the broiled chicken and baked potatoes, more than grateful for the chatter around him.

  “So, did you see him play?” Mandy asked, and Audrey said, “Whos him?”

  Mandy rolled her eyes.“Theres only one him around this house, havent you learned that by now?”

  Xander grimaced.Hed told Audrey that she could stay, but he hadnt told her about him and Chris, and he didnt think it was necessary that anyone else do that, either.

  Audrey looked at Xander with wide eyes.“Whos the other „him?” she asked, looking embarrassed.“Who else lives here? I didnt even think to ask.”

  Xander shrugged.“Chris Edwards—you know, from the team.”

  Audrey frowned.“But wasnt he just transferred to Denver?”

  “This is still his home!” Xander snapped, and then he winced when he saw those big, dark eyes grow guarded and hurt.“Sorry, Audrey. We just sort of miss him.You know Pennys his sister, right?”

  Audrey blushed, her eyes growing wide and shiny.“I didnt,” she muttered.“Boy, do I feel dense. I thought she was your girlfriend.”

  Penny laughed, and to her credit, there wasnt a trace of bitterness in it.

  “No, sweetheart. Xander and I have known each other since I was in pigtails—”

  “And braces!” Xander interrupted playfully, because he knew it would make her laugh.She didnt, though.

  “Yeah. I was young and naïve, and I didnt realize that Xander was totally in love with someone else.” Penny leaned over and covered Audreys hand with her own. “It hurt like hell. Its going to hurt you too. Try not to hold it against the big doofus—he has no idea.”

  The playful banter at the table died a sudden, violent death.

  “Wow, Penny,” Xander said, feeling like an ogre at an elf party, “that wasnt awkward at all.”

  Penny shook her head.“He plays like crap without you, Xander, and,unless youre on the court, you look even worse. That expression on your face, as we were all sitting here—I havent seen you look that out of the loop since you were a kid and you didnt know what food was.”

  Xander blushed.“Penny,” he said with a weak smile, “you realize that Im not really excited about the world all up in my business, right? I mean—” And he tried a winning expression on Mandy and Audrey. “You know.Theres some shit thats not all that interesting.”

  “You look exhausted, Xander. How you sleeping on the road trips?” she taunted, and Xander felt a hollowness empty out in his chest. It took him a minute to identify it as hurt.

  “Jesus, Penny—whatd I ever do to you?” He stood abruptly and took his half-finished plate to the sink. Lucia clucked at him (shed been serving them, even though hed told her she didnt have to) and took the plate out of his hands and tried to shoo him back to his place at the table.

  “Go back and eat!” she admonished. “You look tired, youll never sleep unless you eat!”

  “I need to run,” he mumbled, and since thats wha
t hed dressed for when he came down the stairs, thats where he headed, mindless of the chilly rain that had started after hed gotten home.

  “No, Xander, dont go running,” Penny sighed, and she got off her stool to go take his plate from him and put it back at the counter.“Look, Im sorry I got all bitchy at you, but… Jesus.Youre breaking my heart here. We have known each other for a long time, and you are like my brother, and I dont know if you and Chris can keep this up, you know? Wouldnt it be nice if Audrey here was in on it, so she knows what to expect?”

  “Dont I have to call my agent or something?” he asked, feeling pathetic. God, what a stupid fucking world, when he had to have his agent and a lawyers approval for something as easy as the truth.

  “Xander….” Penny scrubbed her face with her hands, and then looked at him helplessly.“Look, I can draw up a non-disclosure contract if you want. I could probably make one more airtight than Leo can. Mandy can sign one, Audrey can sign one, and the lawyer in me is just screaming to do that, you know? But you want to know what I really want?”

  “To make me finish my chicken?” Xander was too tired for this shit—he really was. Emotional shit. Did straight men have to deal with this when all they wanted was a couch and a remote? Xander liked to think so, but maybe, like everything else, it was something straight men got to have that gay men didnt. Maybe it was, like, straight-topia, where nobody gave a shit who he slept with, and nobody wanted to bring ancient history into the mix, and nobody wanted to know how he was feeling. He could just sit on the couch with his dogs and be emotionally unavailable, and everybody could think he was macho.

  “No, not finish your chicken!” Penny half-laughed, and Xander filed “straight-topia” under things he would have to remember to tell Chris after the nightmares froze his balls off at four in the morning.

  “Im waiting!” Xander told her, and he felt a little bit of loopiness setting in. Well, it had been one hell of a road trip.

  “I want you to trust us, and treat us like family, and be safe and comfortable with us, okay?Youve got it—a built-in little family here to take care of you when hes gone, and you cant wait to run away from us to brood!Cmon, here, Xander—give us a little help!”