The Locker Room

by Amy Lane

  He walked steadily to Chriss chair and grabbed the handles on the back, taking over the steering while the reporter stammered into the microphone.

  “Are you insane?” Chris asked weakly, and Xander had to lean forward to hear him.

  “Hes fucking nuts!” Mandy muttered. She looked up and saw that the word of Xanders postgame interview was making its way around the arena floor, and suddenly hollered, “Dancers! Get your asses over here, we need you!”

  Suddenly, they had a phalanx of dancers on either side, guiding their way down to the tunnel, just as the press really got wind of the story and went to charge. Xander grabbed tight to the handles on the wheelchair and sprinted, their friends and family right behind them, as they made it through the doors to the mens locker room.

  The room was full of half-naked Sacramento Kings, who all looked surprised as Xander and Chris (and Mandy and Audrey and Pete and a couple of othergirls) charged in, but Xander wasnt looking at them.

  He leaned back against the shut door with the battalion of press on the other side of it, and giggled like a teenager, while Chris giggled back.

  “Jesus, you fucking dorkfish! What in the fuck did you just do?”

  Xander sobered abruptly.“I played this game for myself. Its all youve ever wanted me to do, and I did. And playing for me means you. It means you, and me, and the world can take a flying fuck. It means whatever we do for the rest of our lives, we do it forever, and we do it openly, and—” Xander took a deep breath and wiped his mouth with a hand that was shaking and cold.

  “I mean, Jesus, Chris.It cant possibly be any harder than hiding was. Or being apart.Or having the world think were just overgrown frat boys.Right?”

  Oh please, God, let it be all right. Xander had known that it was a possibility.Hed known this was the flipside of doing this for himself— that maybe coming out, being together in the sunlight,wasnt what Chris really wanted.

  Chris looked at him, a bittersweet smile on his face, and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.“Cmere, Xan,” he said, his voice shaking, and Xan knelt in front of his chair. Chris grabbed both his hands and said, “Closer, genius. I really want to kiss you, and I cant move yet.”

  They tasted of joy, and tears, and a little bit of fear and a lot of hope. They heard Mandy and the other dancers all saying “Awwwwww…,” and they heard some of the guys in the locker room going, “Oh, for Christs sake!Dont you have a house or something?” but that was all secondary to the roar of their own hearts in their ears.

  A Public Face

  XANDER was outside shooting baskets, trying not to brood, when Penny stuck her head out the front door and called him in.

  “Dammit, Xander!Its starting!”

  Xander grimaced.“Aw, Jesus. Dont tell me youre watching that!”

  “You asshole! The whole family is here!”

  Xander blinked.He hadnt really noticed, hed been so absorbed. He was trying very very very hard not to listen for the phone ringing.

  “Why in the hell would they want to do that?” he asked blankly.

  Penny looked at him and just shook her head. From inside the house, a voice said, “Penny? Is he coming?”

  Penny said, “In a second, Javier! His thick head is trying to let shit trickle in!” (Javier was someone from her law firm shed brought home right after the New York playoffs. He was sharp, sarcastic, had a wicked sense of humor—and a serious case of puppy-dog eyes forChriss little sister. Xander approved.)

  “Ill be th ere in a sec, Penny.Let me put the ball in the garage.”

  “Its on pause, Xander. Jesus! Youd think a guy would want to see himself on Barbara Walters!”

  “Not if he didnt want to go on the damned show in the first place!” Xander called back, but shed already slammed the door.

  He hadnt, either.But the day after the playoffs, after theyd taken their phones off the hook and just sat, Chris exhausted in his bed and Xander beside him on the couch, Leo had come over, trying to be gruff but completely unable to hide his ear-to-ear grin.

  “You couldnt have consulted your Uncle Leo, could you? You had to just spring the biggest sports story of the decade on some poor little ESPN chickie who almost choked on her own tongue!” Leo crowed, totally shattering the façade of fierceness.“Oh. My. God. Xander—holy Christ. I knew you had it in you.Id follow you into hell, you crazy queer bastard. You know that, dont you?”

  Xander looked at Chris, who was smiling faintly, even though his head was tilted back against the pillow and his eyes were closed with exhaustion and pain.

  “Ive been to hell, Leo,” he said quietly. “I wouldnt take you there for the world.”

  Leo sobered, and the expression on his face was unexpectedly compassionate.“Yeah, well, thats what makes you worth following. Still, man, I wish you had told me. I was watching the coverage from the private room upstairs and I almost spit out my Scotch. Damn—brother, your timing was impeccable.”

  Xander managed half of a mischievous smile.“Even though it might costus the bonus for playing in the championship?”

  Leo snorted and waved his hand cavalierly, his red hair almost mussed and his ruddy Leprechaun features dancing with evil glee. “Sweetheart, Ive probably fucked five guys who will be happy to make up the balance.” He raised his eyebrows wickedly, and Xander couldnt help it—he laughed, and beside him, Chris managed a rusty chuckle.

  Then Leo pulled up the coffee table (which was made indestructible, true to Chriss promise at the very beginning) and copped a squat, leaning his elbows on his knees.It was the classic Leo lets- make-an-unholy-bargain pose, and Xander regarded him dubiously.

  “What?”

  “You still want to play in the championship games, right?”

  Xander looked away. Of course he did.“As long as Im wanted.”

  Leo nodded, because hed known this. “See, the thing is, theres no clause in the NBA that says you cant play gay. I know for a fact theres nothing in your contract that says it. So, all that matters is that no one at the top decides that „playing gay is against public decency, right? Have you heard anything from the top yet?”

  Xander pointed to the phones, which were all unplugged—every set in the house had been maxed out on messages before theyd even returned home that night. No phones for them.

  “I thought so. Now, see, if we can get in an interview—a big interview—that gets public sentiment on your side… no, no, dont look like that, Xander.You cant pull that anymore.” Xander had started hunching his shoulders and looking away shyly, in his usual “Cave Man” pose.“You cant. The whole world heard you tell poor Angie Robinson that “Chris Edwards was your heart”—man, its one of the most fucking romantic things Ive ever heard. Swear to Christ, I almost shed a tear in my Scotch.Thats good shit. You two—you go on television, you do the interview thing, and you be absofuckinglutely honest. Third home game of the month? Do it. Spill it.Xanders little harem—talk about them. Chriss DUI—come-the-fuck clean. Get it out.Tell the world what its cost you.Im betting on the world thinking youve paid your dues.”

  Xander looked at Chris in a world of embarrassment. Oh God. Really?

  Chris looked back at him, and through the pain and the exhaustion, there was some anticipation, some excitement, and that made up Xanders mind.

  “Yeah, fine. Who wants us?”

  And now Leos expression became positively diabolical. “Who do you want?Bryant Gumble, or Barbara Walters?”

  Chriss voice got positively dreamy.“Barbawa Wawa? She asked for us?”

  And that decided it too.

  Theyd done the interview the day before, from their front room. Theyd put Chris in the wheelchair, with a throw over his legs, and Xander had worn his jeans and a polo shirt. The lady herself had gotten out of the town car and a producer had overseen lights, cameras, and action—and even a little bit of makeup.

  There was not, Xander reflected, enough powder in the world to make Chris look less pale nor him less tall, but the little army of people did wh
at they could.

  The interview had gone by in a blur. Ms. Walters had been gracious, warm and… well, oddly invested in them. It had taken most of the interview before Xander realized that she had known who they were before hed come out, and for some reason, that was the most surreal moment of all.

  But mostly, it was uncomfortable, and Chris had been exhausted afterward, and Xander had woken him up with another nightmare at four in the morning, sleeping on the couch by his bed.

  “Get closer, Xan,” Chris murmured, his voice soft in the dark. Xander had moved, twisting his long body until his legs were on the couch and his head and shoulders were on the bed next to the boy who had captured his heart like cupped hands would capture a butterfly, and had never, ever clutched him too tight, and never let him go.

  Chriss hand had been soothing, running through his sweaty hair, and Chris and spoken softly, just like he always did when the scary monsters came in and devoured his sleep in bloody chunks.

  “Well have to do something, when I get healed. I dont care if youre on season. Take three days, go away, something.Its hot outside, and I cant stand being inside right now. I want to fly somewhere in the sun and swim forever, and bake….”

  They were already making plans for a big pool to take up some of the wild space of their running path. It seemed silly with the lake just down below them, but Chris would need it for physical therapy.

  “Swimming, where the waters so blue it feels like flying,” Xander mumbled, leaning some more into Chriss touch.“Wanna go fly with me, Christian?”

  “Yeah. Yeah.Anywhere you want, well go flying.”

  It had been on that dream, and Chriss quiet words, that Xander had fallen asleep.He hadnt wanted to think about the interview, or how the whole world would be watching it. He just wanted to think about flying, alone with Chris.

  But now, if the family was there, waiting for him, it was time to go see how he looked to the rest of the world.

  Chris was in the wheelchair, so they could sit side by side, and Xander flopped next to him on the couch gratefully. Chris reached for his hand automatically and squeezed—Xander really didnt want to watch this, not even a little bit at all.

  The show started with some clips of the playoff series with New York, showcasing Xander doing his thing. Barbaras narration came up, and Xander cringed.

  “ The whole world watched what was being called a miracle series of basketball.Sacramentos five-year rise to the top of the NBA from the sub-basement floor, has been credited to two things—Coach Strauss Wallick, and the unbeatable team of Christian Edwards and Xander Karcek—”

  “Oh, God,” Chris muttered, as Barbara detailed their high school and college careers briefly, complete with clips and photos, “I had no idea shed dredge this shit up.”

  “Jesus,” Xander murmured, holdingChriss hand even tighter. “Dont we look young….” “You were young,” Andi said. She was sitting on the love seat, across from them, but her eyes were still glued to the screen.“You two… God. You were such babies.”

  And Barbaras narration conti nued.

  “The dream team was recently split up, and the sports world was stunned. Edwards went on to help Denver make it to the playoffs, but then was almost mortally injured in a tragic car crash this April—”

  “I hate that word,” Xander muttered.

  “Which word?”

  “Tragic. Its only a tragedy when someone dies. Youre here. Not a tragedy.” Chris pulled Xanders hand to his lips, and they continued to watch.

  “And all of that was secondary to Xander Karceks amazing announcement this week, that he and Chris had not only been a team on the court, but all but married off of it. Here, in an exclusive interview from their home in Folsom, California, are Xander Karcek and Christian Edwards to tell their story in their own words.”

  The camera panned from an outside shot to the front door, and then across the living room to Xander and Chris, sitting uncomfortably in their own living room, hands clenched as they looked at Barbara herself with wide, expectant eyes.

  “So, Xander. What made you decide to out the two of you in such a spectacular fashion?”

  The really tall man with the straight dark hair and anxious blue eyes blushed, the blush telling on his Slavic-pale skin.

  “It just seemed like, if I was going to play this game and love it, it had to love me back.”

  The family gasped a little, and everybody looked at Xander with admiration in their eyes.

  “Good answer,” Penny said proudly, and the real Xander turned red like the one on television and said, “Shut up.”

  Pennys throaty laughter faded into the background as they faced Barbaras next question.

  “So, may I ask how long you two have been in love?”

  Chriss eyes lit up, in spite of his pallor and his obvious pain. He looked sideways at Xander, who blushed and pretended to look out the window to his other side.

  “Since forever,” he said softly. “Since we first met. We were fourteen, and Xander was outside past dark, shooting baskets, and I was waiting for my mom to get dinner, and… and it was the best game Ive ever played.”

  The tall, uncomfortable man playing Xander managed to pull his attention away from the window for a moment and look at Chris through a softened expression.“Me too,” he said gruffly.

  It was Barbaras turn to blush, and she moved on to what it had been like hiding their relationship when theyd been away at Chapel Hill.

  “So, you two waited until after high school to consummate your relationship?”

  “Another word I hate,” Xander mumbled. Chris shushed him, and they both carefully avoided looking at Chriss parents for this next part.

  “Not quite, but, over that summer, yeah,” Chris said, looking embarrassed for the first time.

  “But I understand Xander was living with you at the time. If you were in love—”

  “Xan wouldnt do anything—at least while we were underaged— while he was living with my parents.Hes got that sort of honor thing, you know?And I didnt want him living in foster care, so I managed to wait until we were eighteen.It felt… it felt right, by then.”

  Across the room, Andi groaned. “That trip we took, right after graduation—remember that, Jed? We came home and the whole house smelled like fabric softener?”

  Jed hid his face and said, “Ow ow ow ow—my eyes! Dammit, Andi—did you need to go there?” The family might have laughed forever then, but on screen, Xanders face got tense.

  “What happened?” Penny said suddenly.“I didnt hear what she said!”

  “She asked about Xans mom,” Chris told her, his voice tight, and the effect on the living room was electric.

  “Didnt your mother pass away recently?” Barbara asked sympathetically, and Xander shrugged.

  “Id heard that, yeah.”

  Chris looked at him, concerned.“When did that happen?”

  “Right after the first playoff series—you were still in the hospital. I had other things to worry about.”

  Barbara shifted forward, as though about to get ready to do some heavy work, in spite of the Chanel suit and the well-coifed silver hair. “So, Xander, when was the last time you saw your mother?”

  Xander looked away again. He did that a lot throughout the interview, and it only made his regard even more significant when he focused on something.

  “Id just turned eighteen. Chris and I had signed our letters the week before, and his folks took us out to eat. We came out of the restaurant, and there was a woman across from the restaurant screaming at a guy about giving her some money for his bang as he drove off.Im pretty sure that was her.”

  Chris looked at him in horror.“Oh, God. Xander. You could have told us!”

  Xander shifted in his seat, and for once didnt look Chris in the eyes.“Do you think I wanted you to know?”

  “I wanted to know,” Chris said now, and Xander fidgeted, the object of everyones scrutiny and pity, and finally Xander just glared at them.

&nbs
p; “Look, Leo said be honest, okay?”

  Leo patted his shoulder, and Xander wanted to die.“Yeah, kid. Honesty. You has it. What else were you honest about? Should we see?” “So, Xander, that sounds horrific. How do you recover from that?” The mans glare on television was not nearly as frightening as

  Xander would have hoped, watching it. It looked miserable, and mortified, and irritated—not furious.

  “I had Chris and I had basketball. It was all good.” And so on. She covered Chapel Hill, their deal with the Kings when Xander could have gone anywhere in the league, and then, the questions theyd dreaded the most.

  “But guys—youre pro ball players. How could you never be seen with any women, and have nobody suspect?”

  Their expressions on television were like two kids caught sneaking cookies—except a thousand times worse.

  “We were seen with women,” Chris mumbled. “We even slept with a few of them.It was… it was—”

  “We were trying to keep our coach off our back.” Xander stepped in, to get him off the hook.“He… man, every other word out of the guys mouth is „fag. We were just sort of desperate for him to leave us alone.”

  “Well,did it work?” Barbara asked, as though this didnt shock her.

  “It did,” Xander confessed. “It worked for the whole team. But… we couldnt do it anymore. It—” He looked miserably at Chris, who nodded.“I was getting an ulcer, Chris couldnt stop drinking. I… one night I couldnt go through with it. I met up with Chris at the locker room of Arco, and… we just agreed to quit it. It was worse than being outed. It was worse than anything. We kissed, you know, to seal the bargain….” Xander trailed off, and Chris took up the thread.

  “And the coach walked in on us, and I was transferred the next day.”

  The interview went to commercial, but nobody in the room tried to fast-forward through it. The attention of everyone in the room was focused on the television screen, and Xander thought that if Chris could run, the two of them would be running along their jogging path, running with the wind in their face and their shame at their backs, running until the horrible weight of this confession felt like the sand under their feet.