Looking for Cassandra Jane (The Second Chances Novels)

by Melody Carlson

  Then he carefully explained that he was like Jacob (in the Bible). He even read the story to the whole group the following night, but I knew he was reading it for my benefit. And I’m sure I sat there gazing up at him with real stars in my eyes.

  He had already told me how Jacob had been in love with the beautiful Rachel, but after working hard to earn her for his bride, he’d been tricked into marrying her older sister, Leah. But Jacob didn’t give up, no, he worked for another seven years and was finally allowed to marry the lovely Rachel. And although he had to keep Leah as his first wife, Rachel had always been his one and only true love.

  “And that’s just how it will be with you,” he secretly promised to me later.

  “Does this mean we’ll get married?” I asked.

  “In due time,” he told me. “Just be patient.”

  And so I was. Incredibly patient. But it wasn’t that hard, really. To be honest, I didn’t feel any great hurry to be actually married. It was enough for me to simply be loved by our admired leader.

  Instead of being jealous of Moonlight, I almost came to pity her, for she seemed to grow more unhappy and even fatter with each passing day. And it wasn’t just the natural weight that comes with pregnancy. Supposedly Breeze’s baby was due before Moonlight’s, but she wasn’t nearly as enormous as Moonlight.

  Of course, I was privileged with information about the real due dates. Sky had confessed to me that Moonlight had enticed him into her bed several months before their marriage. He explained how he’d been in a weakened state just then, feeling concerned that he’d forced River and Breeze to marry and worried that it might’ve been a mistake. And Moonlight had offered him her “comfort” and naturally that led to other things (sinful things). And even though they’d “only sinned once” according to Sky, Moonlight had missed her following period, and then her next, and that’s when the sudden July wedding became necessary. Somehow this all made perfect sense to me back then, and I felt greatly comforted in my newfound knowledge.

  Now I felt happy to work and to wait—more a part of the family than ever. And it was amazing how just a smidgeon of Sky’s attention could take me a long, long ways. How I loved it when he pointed me out to the group as such a good and willing servant. He often used me as an example of how we all should live, and I know I took exceeding pride in all this (even though I had to repent of it later). But repenting, for us, was just a normal part of daily life—and in some twisted way I’m sure it almost gave us pleasure. We would get down on our knees before the group and confess to all sorts of sins, everything from impure thoughts to picking our noses, and then we would sob or beat our fists on the floor and beg forgiveness from God and everyone.

  The only one who never seemed to have much to repent of was Moonlight. I found this interesting, especially in light of my suspicion that she was stealing food from the kitchen. I first noticed food missing in the fall. I’d go into the cupboard to get something, like a bag of chocolate chips for making cookies (this was before all forms of sugar were outlawed) and the bag would be gone—not just some chips, but the entire bag. Or maybe it’d be a jar of peanut butter or homemade jam (and that really made me mad because I’d sweated over a hot stove putting up that jam!). At first I thought it might be one of the brothers—and they worked so hard it was understandable that they might get the munchies and come foraging (even though it was forbidden). But when none of them confessed I became suspicious.

  And so I decided to set a trap. Mindful that things most often went missing following a grocery trip, I waited till Sky and Stone returned from shopping in town. (The brothers were the only ones allowed to leave the farm.) As usual, I had given Sky a very detailed list of what was needed for the kitchen. I ran on a very tight kitchen budget since our income was limited to whatever we could sell off the farm—like old antiques found in the attic, Sunshine’s car, and even produce. (It was starting to become slim pickings, but we had high hopes for the upcoming year, when we planned to have even more produce and perhaps some handcrafted items to sell.) I unloaded the groceries as usual, but when I got to the chocolate chips, the cheap kind that came in a bright red bag, I carefully “painted” over the red plastic surface with red food coloring and then set the “bait” in a visible spot in the food cupboard.

  The rest was simply child’s play. I listened until I heard footsteps, right around midnight, then slipped downstairs in time to spy Moonlight in the kitchen furiously trying to wash the red food coloring off her fingers—I’d caught her literally red-handed! Then I went to Sky’s room and told him about the problem. I knew I was being a snitch, but this behavior was expected within our group. It was our responsibility to hold one another accountable.

  Moonlight was punished by having to wash dishes for a week—quite a nice little vacation for me, but I must admit to feeling just a little guilty as I watched her straining past her extended stomach to reach the sink. Still, I figured the exercise might do her good.

  Sky was going into town on a fairly regular basis these days, sometimes to sell things, and sometimes to pick up supplies. But to my surprise he traded an old dresser for a bunch of used guns.

  His rationale, he explained at dinnertime, was that he and the brothers might need to do some hunting during the winter (for food). Plus, he said, who knew when we might need protection?

  “Protection from what?” I asked as I set a bowl of potatoes on the table.

  “Now I don’t want you to be afraid,” he said in an authoritative voice, “but we live in strange times and there are people out in the world who don’t like us.” He looked around the table and I could feel a lecture coming. “We are not of the world and so the world questions our ways. And the world will persecute us for our beliefs—we don’t know what they might do to hurt us. So it’s best to be prepared for anything. Besides, as I’ve been teaching you from the Scriptures, this present world will soon come to an end. But first there will be a holocaust and plagues and warfare, and we must be prepared, my children. We must be ready for anything.” He smiled then. “But don’t be afraid.”

  Well, it was hard not to be fearful when you thought about all those things, and I suppose it was our fear (in a way) that kept us in submission to Sky’s authority. He was like our big daddy, our protector. Under his spiritual roof, we believed we would be safe from all outside harm. We never considered the harm within our own gates.

  When Sky drove around town in his colorful van (decorated with crosses and fishes and doves) he occasionally met up with other Jesus freaks, and they were always interested in who he was and what he was doing. As a result, he sometimes invited folks to come out and visit our farm. These were special times, and we always worked hard to get everything all spruced up for our visitors. And it was fun seeing a fresh face—almost like a holiday (which were of course forbidden).

  We all knew it was Sky’s plan to eventually increase our numbers—but only with the right people, he’d said, the ones God revealed to him. Naturally, we couldn’t adopt just anyone into our special circle. But before long, we took in a new couple. I can’t recall their original names, but during our “adoption” ceremony (the first of its kind) Sky blessed them with new names: Venus and Mountain.

  Venus was vivacious and pretty with long, curly, auburn hair. And Mountain was a big, somewhat serious sort of guy. In a way he could’ve seemed like a threat to Sky, but for some reason he wasn’t.

  In fact, Mountain really seemed to respect Sky and became one of his closest friends, if not bodyguard. And while I’m sure Sky appreciated the friendship, I don’t believe he was ever really close to anyone (not in the way of a healthy give-and-take mutual relationship). But I’m sure everyone, including me, thought they were close to Sky.

  Venus and Mountain were older than most of us and had recently dropped out of Stanford, saying how they had decided to focus all their energy on spiritual growth instead of the wasteful accumulation of worldly knowledge. They were both from families with money, and so, to s
tart out with, they were able to contribute generously to our little farm. And of course Sky made them feel very welcome. To do this, Sunshine and Stone were asked to move their things out to the barn and take up residence in the old makeshift bedroom in the loft. And then Venus and Mountain moved into their old bedroom.

  Earlier in the fall, Sky had picked up a secondhand book on natural childbirth and this became mandatory reading for all the sisters. And although I found it slightly disturbing, I read the whole thing from cover to cover (mostly because books were extremely limited and I missed reading). And so, in a way, I became something of the local expert (a remnant of my old academic ways). But as I reread the chapters on prenatal care, I grew somewhat alarmed.

  The book warned not to neglect things like regular obstetric exams, blood tests, vitamins, proper weight gain, and more. So far neither Breeze nor Moonlight had seen a doctor. And according to this book, Moonlight’s excessive weight gain in her first pregnancy placed her and her baby at great risk—especially for natural childbirth!

  I mentioned my concerns to Sky, but he said that, as with everything, we just needed to trust God with this, and that God would see that the babies were born safely. And so instead of worrying, I tried to trust God more, praying that he would watch over our expectant mothers’ health. However, I did encourage Moonlight to eat less and exercise more (which she didn’t appreciate at all—especially in light of our earlier “red-handed” confrontation. I’m sure she secretly had it out for me more than ever just then). All the same, I carefully studied the chapter on nutrition and did the best I could to prepare sensible and balanced meals for our two mothers-to-be.

  It was a great relief to everyone when the days grew cooler and shorter and the farm work decreased. Thanks to all my long hours in the sweltering heat of summer, our pantry was fairly well stocked against winter (although I knew we couldn’t survive on it alone).

  With more free time on my hands, I could do more sewing. Sky regularly visited a Goodwill store in town where he purchased inexpensive clothing items that could either be mended or altered to suit the needs of our group. And I began making things for the two babies who would soon join our family.

  Breeze got involved in helping me and showed real talent at creating some sweet little items for her soon-to-be baby. My favorite was a bright-colored patchwork quilt with all kinds of embroidery. As a result of all this sewing, Breeze and I grew closer. And while I enjoyed her companionship, at the same time I worried that Sunshine seemed to be withdrawing more and more. Not only from me but from the entire group as well.

  One day in late October, I confronted Sunshine while she was helping me prepare supper. I asked her what was wrong, and why had she been so quiet lately? I actually wondered if she might be pregnant and perhaps depressed about it.

  At first, she studied me closely, as if determining whether or not she could trust me. “Oh, Rainbow,” she finally said with a deep sigh. “I don’t know…”

  “Are you unhappy?”

  She shrugged uncomfortably. “Oh, I don’t know…”

  “Is it your marriage?”

  She glanced over her shoulder to see if anyone was around. “Maybe.”

  “Are you and Stone getting along okay?”

  She shrugged again. “I don’t know…”

  I stopped stirring the biscuit batter. “Sunshine, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

  I could see tears building in her eyes, but she pressed her fist against her mouth as if trying to keep the words inside.

  “Come on, Sunshine,” I urged. “It’s me, Rainbow. You can trust me.

  She looked me straight in the eyes. “I don’t want to be here anymore,” she whispered, then turned her attention back to cleaning a head of cabbage.

  I took in a sharp breath. A confession of this sort was just barely short of treachery. “But, Sunshine,” I began, “we’re a family—we all love you.”

  She rolled her eyes as she shook the water from the cabbage head. “Yeah, Rainbow, but some of us want to ‘love me’ a little too much.”

  I studied her. “What do you mean?”

  She forced a laugh. “Oh, you wouldn’t understand, Rainbow. You’re so pure and innocent—almost like an angel really.” She raised the large knife and brought it down with a loud bang, splitting the cabbage head in two.

  Now I knew I could take her words as a compliment, but somehow it just didn’t feel like that to me. “What exactly do you mean, Sunshine?”

  She let out an exasperated sigh, then lowered her voice. “I mean… that just because Sky is our highly exalted spiritual leader, it shouldn’t give him the right to sleep with anyone he likes.”

  I felt my eyes open wide, and now I glanced over to the doorway, but no one appeared to be anywhere near the dining room. “What are you saying?” I hissed at her.

  She put her face close to mine and with wild-looking eyes said, I’m saying that I’ve had enough of this place. I didn’t come here to be a sex slave, Rainbow.” And then she stabbed the knife into the old kitchen table and the point stuck right into the wood.

  I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. Had she lost her mind? “Sunshine—” I tried to speak soothingly—“you don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “Oh, don’t I?” She turned and glared at me. “Well, just wait, little one, it’ll happen to you too sooner or later. Sky plans on fathering a child with every one of the sisters.”

  “Sunshine!”

  “Oh, I knew you wouldn’t believe me, Rainbow. You’re too good and innocent—and naive!”

  I just stared at her and shook my head, and I’m sure my horrified expression must’ve really frightened her, making her regret her terrible confession.

  She grabbed my hands. “Please, Rainbow, don’t tell Sky what I said. I’m sorry, it was wrong to say those things. I’ll repent of my sin, I promise, I will. But please, please don’t tell Sky. I’m so sorry.”

  I just stood there in silent shock. Sky was our spiritual father, our ruler, our leader. How could I not tell him?

  “Please, Rainbow, I’m begging you. Promise me you won’t tell.”

  I nodded dumbly, anything to shut her up—to put an end to her blasphemous heresy before someone overheard us and we both got called in to confession.

  She went back to quietly chopping cabbage for a while, but then turned and spoke in a calm voice. “Rainbow, if I leave here, do you want to come with me?”

  I firmly shook my head. “No, Sunshine, of course not. This is my home. This is my family. I’m safe here.”

  She nodded. “Yeah, I figured that’s what you’d say. And that’s okay. But please, I’m begging you, don’t mention this to anyone.”

  For two days I kept Sunshine’s admission to myself, waiting for her to come forward and confess her sinful thoughts, to break down before the group and fall on her knees and beg their forgiveness. But she did not.

  When I woke up on the third day, I decided I’d waited long enough. It was time to speak up and inform Sky about Sunshine’s false accusations. I surely didn’t look forward to betraying her trust like this, but I knew in the long run it would be for Sunshine’s best. You just can’t hide sin like that and not expect to suffer the consequences—and according to Sky, sooner truly was better than later.

  But as it turned out, I didn’t get the chance. Sunshine had left during the night.

  Strange as it may seem, Stone didn’t even notice her missing until she didn’t show up for lunch. He hadn’t seen her all morning and had assumed she’d risen early, but upon checking further he suspected she’d packed up a few things the previous day and then slipped out of bed during the night.

  Apparently she’d left on foot, since Sky had long since sold her little car (for just a few hundred dollars since he couldn’t provide a title). Stone was worried for her welfare and wanted to go look for her, but Sky wouldn’t let him. Instead he called us all to a meeting.

  I could tell by the white line around his lips that
he was upset, maybe even angry, but he kept his voice controlled, calm and even. “Unfortunately our sister Sunshine has made a very bad decision,” he informed us. “She has broken our trust and betrayed God by abandoning her spiritual family. So according to Scripture, as of this date, Sunshine is hereby separated from fellowship with us. If anyone should see her, you are not to speak to her.”

  Stone raised his hand. “But what if she wants to come back?”

  Sky considered this. “If she wants to come back, she must first come to me. And she must confess her sin and ask forgiveness, and then she must submit to my authority and accept whatever form of punishment seems appropriate.”

  And so it was agreed. Sunshine was “separated from fellowship.” Not that it mattered much since she never came back anyway. Much later I would learn that she had simply walked to town, used a pay phone to place a collect call to her mother, and by late that afternoon was on a jet, bound for home.

  That same week, and two months before she was due to deliver her baby, Breeze began feeling sickish. Her hands and feet became quite swollen and she had severe headaches. According to the natural childbirth book this could be the warning signs of preeclampsia or toxemia (“a very serious illness that endangers both the baby and mother and should be treated by a trained obstetrician”).

  Concerned, I went to Sky with this medical information, interrupting what appeared to be a very intense conversation between him and Venus and Mountain.

  “I’m sorry to bother you,” I said quickly, “but I think Breeze needs to see a doctor.”

  Sky looked up from the open Bible lying on his lap. “What is wrong?”

  I described the medical conditions, hoping to convince him that it was serious.

  “Have you anointed her yet?” he asked in the kind of tone one uses with a very ignorant person.