by E. L. Todd
I felt like an asshole.
“Why are you here?” Her hostile voice burned my eardrums.
I turned to see her standing next to me, her black shirt caked with flour and sugar. Her hair was pulled back and revealed all of her exquisite features. She was thinner than she used to be, but she still had nice curves.
She put me on the spot, and I couldn’t think of anything to say. I wasn’t sure how she spotted me so easily. Maybe she had cameras. I didn’t have a clue. “Just wanted to get something to eat. Or is that not okay?” I didn’t mean to sound like a smartass but it slipped.
“There are a million other places to go in the city. Don’t come here.” Her eyes burned with fire, but not the good kind. When we used to fight, she said things she didn’t mean. But now she meant every word.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Then don’t come here. It’s that simple.” She turned to walk away.
“Francesca, wait.”
She turned around, to my astonishment. “What?”
“Can I have a moment of your time?”
“No. You’ve already taken too much of my time as it is.”
I knew what she really meant. “We’re going to have to deal with each other. We may as well make it work.”
“Deal with each other?” She had to raise her voice over the crowd. “No, we don’t have to deal with each other. We just need to get through this wedding. Then you can disappear and so can I.”
She really hated me. “We can keep yelling at each other in the middle of your shop or you can just sit down with me. What’s it going to be?”
“I thought you came in here to get something to eat?” she challenged.
“I was going to until you denied me service.”
Her eyes lit up again like she wanted to slap me. “Fine.” She marched out the door and headed to the sidewalk. I was on her tail. “What do you want to talk about?”
I looked around. “Can we sit down somewhere? Or are we animals?”
“I don’t have a lot of time.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I have plans for lunch.”
With whom? “Just get some coffee with me. It won’t take long.”
She shifted her weight in irritation.
“There’s a coffee shop right next door. And it’s quiet.”
“Then you should have gone there,” she mumbled under her breath.
We ordered our drinks then sat at a table near the window. Light music played overhead, and the tables around us were vacant.
She looked at anything but me. Sometimes her gaze moved to the window, and sometimes she stared at the painting on the wall. When she exhausted those two things, she looked down into her coffee. Then she repeated the whole thing. Sitting this close to me was physically agonizing to her.
She wishes I were dead.
She checked the time on her phone and sighed. “You called this meeting. What do you want to talk about?”
“Us.”
She sipped her coffee. “There’s nothing to say, Hawke. Let’s just play nice in front of Axel and Marie. No one has to know anything. We fooled everyone anyway.”
“You didn’t fool me.”
Fear moved into her eyes but it quickly disappeared.
“I know this isn’t ideal for you. This is difficult for both of us. But maybe if we talked about what happened, you wouldn’t hate me so much.”
She froze as the confusion spread across her face. “I don’t hate you.”
She doesn’t?
“I’m indifferent to you.”
My heart sank in my chest. That was much worse.
“I don’t enjoy being around you but I don’t mind it.”
“It didn’t seem that way when I spoke to you.”
“Because you were talking to me,” she snapped. “You wouldn’t leave me alone.”
I squeezed my coffee cup involuntarily.
“What did you expect to happen, Hawke? That we would just go back to being friends?”
“No.” I wasn’t sure what I expected.
“We weren’t friends before, so why do we need to be friends now? Just say hi and bye and that’s more than enough. We won’t have any more problems if we keep it that way.”
“But I don’t want it to be that way.”
She set her cup down. “What does that mean?”
I looked out the window before I turned back to her. “I just…” I didn’t know what I wanted. “Axel and Marie are going to be in our lives forever. Instead of getting through the wedding, maybe we should learn to accept each other.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Sounds a lot like being friends…”
“Well, why can’t we be?”
She shook her head then bit her lip. “You’re unbelievable.”
“What?”
“You left me without looking back. You just walked out like you weren’t leaving anything behind, and now you want to be friends? Am I the only one who thinks that’s weird?”
“It’s better than this, isn’t it?”
“I…” She looked out the window then shut her mouth. Whatever she was going to say died in her throat. “Fine. Whatever.”
“What does that mean?”
“Hawke, I couldn’t care less about you. You’re someone from the past, and I’m over what happened between us. I’m happy and have everything I’ve ever wanted. You mean so little to me that I can do this. If you really want to go out together and have a good time, fine. Let’s do it.”
I squeezed my coffee cup again as her words broke me. I knew I deserved them after the way I left her. How could I expect anything else? But that didn’t minimize the pain.
She extended her hand across the table. “Friends?”
I eyed it but didn’t take it. I thought about all the times those small hands were on me. They rested on my heart as she felt it beat. But now it was just a hand—a meaningless touch. My hand found hers and we shook. I thought I felt the distant spark, but I knew it was just on my end. She didn’t feel anything. “Friends.”
***
“Dude, can you believe that shot?” Axel asked as we entered his apartment building and walked up the stairs.
“It was just luck.”
“No. It was all skill.” He had the basketball tucked under his arm. He was sweaty from playing on the courts. I was too.
“How can it be skill if you were facing the opposite way of the hoop and throwing the ball over the back of your head?”
He shook his head. “Jealousy isn’t a good color on you.”
“And bragging isn’t a good color on you.”
Axel approached his door and unlocked it. “Keep it up, and Marie isn’t going to let you eat her delicious cooking.”
“Are you kidding me?” I asked. “She likes me more than you.”
“No way. I give it to her good every night.” Axel opened the door. “You couldn’t handle my woman. She’s crazy in the sack.”
I walked in behind him. “I’ll take your word for it.”
Axel set the ball on the table near the door. “Baby, I’m home.” He turned to me and winked. “I love saying that.”
Marie came to the entryway wearing jeans and a t-shirt. “Axel, don’t put the ball on the table. How many times do I have to tell you?”
He rolled his eyes. “I don’t want it to get dirty.”
She gave him an incredulous look. “You just played basketball with it. It’s filthy.”
“Fine, fine.” Axel set the ball on the ground near his shoes. “No harm done.”
“I’ll have to scrub that table with Lysol…”
Axel approached her then gave her a quick kiss. “Missed you.”
She melted right in front of my eyes. “Missed you too.” She walked back into the living room.
Axel turned to me and winked. “That’s the skill I was just talking about.”
I tried not to laugh.
Axel and I walked into the living room and I stilled when I spotted Frances
ca sitting beside Marie on the couch. She wore jean shorts with a pink top. She hardly ever wore shorts because she was self-conscious about her legs. I didn’t see why because they were absolutely gorgeous.
Wedding magazines were spread out around them, and they were cutting pictures out and laying them on the coffee table. There were pictures of flowers and wedding dresses. It looked like a kindergarten classroom.
When Francesca looked up, she noticed me. “Hey, Hawke.” She said it with a pleasant tone, and it didn’t sound like she was being fake.
“Hey, Francesca.” It didn’t feel right calling her that. I automatically wanted to call her by her nickname but I had no right to.
“You guys ready for dinner?” Marie asked. “I made spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Yes!” Axel clapped his hands in excitement. “Being married is awesome.”
“You aren’t married yet,” Francesca said sarcastically.
“Same difference,” Axel said. “We already live together.”
Marie gave him an affectionate smile before she got up. “I just need to set the table and everything will be ready.”
“Need help, baby?” Axel asked.
“Nope,” Marie said from the kitchen.
“You want a beer?” Axel asked.
“Sure,” I answered.
“Blue Moon or Dos Equis?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Coming right up.” He walked into the kitchen and his voice carried into the living room. “Baby, you’re looking fine today.”
“Thanks,” Marie said. It sounded like they were kissing because she said, “Not now, Axel. Your sister is in the other room.”
“Like I give a damn,” he snapped.
My beer was going to take a while.
Francesca put down the magazines. “How are you?” Her question seemed sincere. She looked me in the eye and everything.
“Good. You?”
“Great. Planning a wedding is fun. Now I know everything I want for mine.”
The idea of her getting married made me sick. Acid built up in my stomach and it made me want to hurl. I did my best to hide my reaction and not vomit all over the hardwood floor. “Saves you time…”
She stood up and pulled her hair over one shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“You are?” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my tone.
“Yeah.” She slowly came closer to me and crossed her arms over her chest. The hostile look from earlier that week was gone. She didn’t give me a look of fondness, but it wasn’t full of hatred either. “I wanted to talk to you about last week. I thought about everything I said and…I apologize.”
What was she apologizing for?
“I was really harsh and said a lot of mean things…that I didn’t care about you. That’s not true, Hawke. I’m sure you know that.”
My heart fluttered.
“I guess seeing you again just threw me off balance. I thought I was going to be okay with it, but then I was around you and…everything came flooding back. I’ve had enough time to move on and come to terms with our break up but…I just wasn’t ready for that. I was very ugly and mean… I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize. You had every right to be upset. You’ve never had a chance to tell me how you felt…”
“But it doesn’t matter. That was in the past, and we’ve both moved on. There’s no reason to hold on to hate when life is so short. While we weren’t together very long, I really was happy. And I did love you.”
My heart stopped beating.
“There’s no reason why we can’t be friends—real friends. If we really loved each other, we should be able to move on and be mature about it. I’m over you and you’re over me. I guess it’ll be weird in the beginning, but it’ll go back to normal. If our best friends are married to each other, it’ll make our lives easier to get along.”
She was over me?
I knew she was but it hurt to hear her say it out loud. There was no possibility of misinterpretation. Right now, she was calm and understanding. She meant every word she said. She wasn’t lying out of hurt or disappointment.
She was truly over me.
And she thought I was over her? Did she not understand why I left? I left because I loved her so much—not because I stopped. I stared at her emerald eyes as I thought of a response. Correcting her and telling her how I really felt wouldn’t change anything. Even if she still loved me and wanted me, she couldn’t have me. I was dangerous. I was a monster.
I would rip her to pieces.
This is all we could ever be. And wouldn’t it be better to have her in my life once in a while than not to have her in it at all? Spending the last two years without her was torture. I’d never been so lonely in my life.
I would rather have some of her than none of her at all.
***
“Ugh, I hate playing Monopoly with her.” Marie had twenty-five bucks and one railroad. She was pretty much done for. “She cheats. I swear.”
Francesca coughed into her hand. “Sore loser…”
“Shut up.” Marie grabbed a plastic house and threw it at her.
Francesca dodged and let the piece fly across the floor.
“Here.” Axel gave her half his cash and his Boardwalk and Park Place. “Now you’re back in the running, baby.”
Marie smiled triumphantly.
I shook my head. “That’s the lamest shit ever.”
“So lame,” Francesca added.
“What?” Axel asked innocently. “I’m not breaking any rules.”
“Being a pussy is breaking every guy rule ever made,” I said.
“I’m not a pussy,” Axel said. “I’m just trying to help her.”
“Fine.” I grabbed all my cash and dropped it in Francesca’s pile. Then I gave her all my properties, including three railroads. “I’d like to see you beat her now.”
“Now that was some pussy shit right there,” Axel said.
I shrugged. “I’m not breaking any rules, am I?”
Axel rolled his eyes then gave Marie everything else he had. “Kick her ass, baby.”
“I’m on it,” Marie said.
Francesca and Marie continued playing. After landing on each other’s properties countless times and passing GO, Francesca dominated and ran Marie dry. Francesca threw all her money in the air. “I’m the chosen one.”
I laughed until my stomach hurt.
Marie rolled her eyes and released an annoyed sigh. “Okay, Harry Potter.”
“Only losers read Harry Potter,” Axel said.
“You’re just jealous you can’t read at all,” Francesca snapped.
“Francesca is banned from Monopoly,” Marie said as she tossed everything in the box.
“That’s not fair,” Francesca said. “It’s not my fault you suck.”
“I don’t suck,” Marie said.
“Oh, yes, she does.” Axel grinned like an idiot.
“Gross…” Francesca cringed.
Marie swatted his arm. “Don’t say things like that in front of her.”
“What?” Axel asked. “It’s not like she doesn’t know.”
“But I don’t think about it.” Francesca stood up then grabbed her magazines. “I’m outta here.” She grabbed her purse and checked her phone. She must have had a text message because she typed something quickly before she returned her phone to her purse.
It was ten in the evening. Who was she texting?
“I’ll see you later.” Francesca headed to the door.
“I’m going to head out too.” I stood up. “Thank you for dinner, Marie.”
“Any time,” she said. “Get home safely.”
Axel fist-bumped me. “Good game.”
“Monopoly or basketball?”
“Both,” he said with a shrug.
He lost both games so I didn’t know what he was talking about. “See you later.” I headed to the door and joined Francesca. I shut the door behind me and we headed down
the hallway together.
“Sore losers, huh?” she asked.
“Yeah.” It was the first time it felt the way it used to. Francesca and I were comfortable around each other. The chemistry was right like it’d always been. And that connection was still there—at least for me.
We exited the building and reached the sidewalk.
“Let me walk you home.” It was late, and I wanted to make sure she got home okay. I would offer it to any girl, but she was special. I had to make sure she got there safely.
“No, it’s okay,” she said quickly. “I’ll see you around.” She gave a quick wave before she walked away.
I don’t think so. I caught up to her. “I really don’t mind. The city isn’t safe at night.”
“I can take care of myself, Hawke. You know that.”
“It gives me peace of mind.”
She stopped in her tracks and sighed. “I’m not going home, Hawke.”
The meaning of her words hit me hard in the chest. It was like someone dropped an anvil on my head. The breath was knocked out of me. I felt cold—weak. Now I knew who she was texting this late at night. “I see…” I tried to hide the devastated look on my face but I had a feeling I couldn’t. I knew she must be with other guys but…I tried not to think about it.
She avoided my gaze like she was uncomfortable. “Well…good night.”
“Yeah.” I wanted to offer to walk her anyway, but I didn’t want to see the guy who opened the door. I didn’t want to walk away knowing what was going to happen. Someone stabbed a knife into my chest and now I was bleeding everywhere.
Francesca turned around and headed up the sidewalk. She never glanced behind her to see if I was still watching her. The second I wasn’t in her sight, she forgot about me.
Why did I have to be so fucked up? Why couldn’t I just be normal? If I didn’t have all these issues, she would still be mine. We might even be married by now. Maybe even have a kid on the way…
But I threw her away.
I lost her.
I fucked up.
I was fucked up.
Hollow
Francesca
“Missed me?” Kyle took a drink from his beer on the nightstand. He was propped on the pillows with the sheets pulled up to his waist.
