The Devlin Deception: Book One of The Devlin Quatrology

by Jake Devlin

  “Yup, both Bush and Obama. I wish I could tell you about all the crap that went on in there with both of 'em.”

  “Oh, yeah; I'd love to hear about that. But I understand.

  “But with no more elections under Donne, no more primaries, either.”

  “Right; he's non-partisan.”

  “Oh, I think he's beyond that, far beyond it. He's anti-partisan.”

  “Oh, nice word.”

  “Lots more accurate that either non- or bi-.”

  “Oh, I did like how you slipped that stuff in about the GSA's 800 thousand dollars wasted in Vegas.”

  “That's exactly the kind of stuff that pisses Donne off … and me and most taxpayers, too.”

  “Me, too. Gave every federal employee a black eye.”

  “And gave every taxpayer an emptier wallet.”

  “So true.”

  “And then that whole thing with that retailer allegedly bribing officials in Mexico to expand down there. And those corrupt idiots in Congress are making all kinds of self-righteous, pious BS over that. Geez.”

  “I've got a note about that here. And then there's that order to install handicap lifts at every public swimming pool in the country.”

  “Right; I saw that. Wasn't there one hotel that had installed one eight years ago and used it fifteen times … or was it fifteen years ago and used it eight times? One of the two. And now they want to make every public pool install one. More regulatory stupidity.

  “Takes me back to the Gulf oil spill, when the regulators kept the skimmers from doing anything because they couldn't meet the 99 percent pure water output standard. I mean, if they managed to get rid of 75 or 80 percent, that's better than doing nothing. Idiots. Just made it worse.

  “I swear, the more research I do, the angrier I get. It all just gets more and more corrupt; it's ubiquitous. And that's just the stuff I can find as a plain ol' citizen and taxpayer.”

  “Easy, Jake. Your blood pressure's going up.”

  “Yeah; it might be even up to normal. Damn.”

  “Let's get into the water for a while.”

  “Good idea; that'll help.”

  As they headed into the Gulf, with only a quick yelp, Pam said, “Nice that the water's up to 82.”

  “Noodleable at last. A long winter.”

  Pam surveyed the shoreline. “It's a lot quieter now, too, isn't it?”

  “Yup. May and September, the quietest months. In fact, Deb closes her hot dog stand for all of September, waiting for the Return of the Snowbirds.” He made that last bit sound like a movie title.

  “They say tourists and snowbirds are like women; can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.”

  “That's not you, Pam; that's for sure. You are the most patient, tolerant, thoughtful and smartest woman I've ever known.”

  “You left out sexy, Sexy.”

  “Oh, with you, Pam, that's a given. It's like saying, 'Oh, there's air in the atmosphere.'”

  “Why, suh, y'all say the nahcest thangs.”

  “Geez, Belle, that thar had a bit of a Texas twang at th' end.”

  “Guess I'm picking up more and more stuff from you, Tex.”

  “And I from you, m'dear.”

  Justin leaned over to Lindsay and whispered, “I think we got some good stuff in there.”

  Lindsay whispered back, “Oh, yeah. The client should be very happy with that.”

  “But what's with the Belle and Tex stuff?”

  Sharon's rasp came over their earbuds, “They're falling in love, kids. Geez. Can't you tell? That's when the nicknames start.”

  “But we've been together for a dozen years and we don't have nicknames,” Lindsay whined.

  “Then you're not really in love yet. Work it out. But not now; keep your eyes and ears open.”

  -114-

  Friday, January 3, 2013

  8:30 p.m.

  The Oval Office

  The White House

  via a 24-hour news channel

  Gordon Donne, dressed in his usual casual clothing, his fringe of hair a bit thinner and grayer, his face paler, smiled into the camera.

  “Good evening, my fellow Americans, and Happy New Year.

  “It's been a little over a year since I've been doing my best to serve you and this country. In my mind, it's been a pretty good year, and it seems we're well on our way to full recovery. Tonight, I can only give you a brief overview, but I know everyone watching has seen what has been going on for themselves, and you'll all have your own experience to rely on much more than whatever I tell you.

  “First, of course, I want to talk about the economy. Last year, 2012, working together, we got the unemployment rate down to 6.7 percent, as we heard this morning, and put more than six million people back to work and paying taxes. We don't have the final GDP numbers yet, but based on the first three quarters' reports and an educated guesstimate on the fourth, it's looking like we'll be coming in at just over three and a half percent growth for the year, pretty much in line with my expectations and a good first-year start on getting to my goal of ten percent annual growth within eight years. Congratulations!

  “Now, I want to warn everyone that what I am about to say is not at all in my usual character. But to the one economist who had the low line on that spaghetti chart I showed you all a year ago, the one that started with the Gulf Coast and hurricanes and morphed into an economic projection graph, to you, Paul, I just have to go out on a limb and say, 'Nah-nah-nah-nah-naah-nah.' Sorry, gang; I just had to do that, couldn't resist.

  “But, seriously, folks, I'm quite pleased with how well you all have been doing with the taxes and rules the way I set them up a year ago.

  “Now, I know we've had our share of tragedies and disasters this past year, like the tornadoes in Kentucky and Indiana, the drought in the Midwest, the May 6th bombings in Miami and New York, Tropical Storm Debby, Hurricanes Isaac and Valerie, not to mention all the problems at our Mideast embassies on September 11th and after that.

  “I know the government's responses to the natural disasters could never have been sufficient; we're just not that good at fighting Mother Nature. But I believe that the actions we took, in conjunction with the private sector, alleviated much of the damage and pain those events caused. We can never resurrect the dead, but we can honor them as we live our lives to the highest and best levels we can. And those injured in the bombings and the hurricanes all seem to be well on their way to recovery, again with the help of mostly the private sector.

  “I'm pleased to report that the European Union has joined the US in fixing its currency to oil and thus fixed to ours. So have Britain and Switzerland. Too bad, forex traders. China, of course, has continued to manipulate its currency, but I have a feeling that they'll soon learn the error of their ways on that front. I'm also pleased to report … well, probably more just remind you … that the price of gasoline here has stabilized at about $2.25 a gallon. And I'll also tell you that once certain goals I have set are met, we will be reducing and ultimately totally eliminating the federal gasoline tax, which should drop that down to closer to, maybe even below, two bucks a gallon.

  “I'm also pleased to report that millions of our citizens, mostly seniors, have invested over 800 billion dollars in the USA Sovereign Wealth Fund, the proceeds of which have been invested in some infrastructure repair and new construction, private equity and other investments, using similar strategies to those I used at my hedge fund. Most of those investments are updated weekly on our web site, _________.gov; click on the “Sovereign Wealth Fund” link to get to that list. Less than 30 percent of our investors have chosen the annual withdrawal option, so we have more capital to invest over the long term and they will get the higher returns.”

  Donne pulled out a handkerchief and rubbed his shiny forehead, scalp, face and neck.

  “As for worker-employer relations, now that the union bosses are no longer exploiting their members, for the most part, and employers have learned the wisdom of profit-
sharing, we have a much greater level of cooperation, worker satisfaction and shared goals. We still have a long way to go on eradicating those bosses and their almost hypnotic hold on their members, but we are making progress there.

  “On the Medicare and health insurance fronts, I'm also pleased with the responses to our new alternative programs. Millions of you have signed up, and I'm sure you'll be much happier with the results and your outcomes. And I'd like to give some credit to Sam and Eileen Kriatofskial of Sandwich, Illinois, and to Ron and Christine Florescuiello of Kanasaugua, Iowa, for their suggestion of adding a medical errors registry accessible by the public and a compensatory damages board to handle medical malpractice claims expeditiously and fairly, with no lawyers involved, with a few very limited exceptions.

  “Speaking of lawyers, I'm also pleased to announce that tens of thousands of them have left the profession and gone into productive careers in the real world. And our courts' backlogs have been reduced by up to 90 percent in some civil sessions.

  “On the criminal and law enforcement side, our prison population has been reduced with alternative sentencing for nonviolent offenders, and the deprivatization of federal prisons, which was completed in early October, has shown huge benefits, not only in higher wages for guards and administrative staff, but in an overall reduction of nearly 31 percent in our incarceration budget.

  “The changes in court rules and the rules of evidence that went into effect last February have also expedited both civil and criminal trials, and the reduction of many grounds for appeal has reduced that long-abused lawyer-enrichment process, without damaging the rights of any parties, criminal or civil, plaintiff or defendant.

  “I've also dismissed over 1.7 million frivolous lawsuits, with prejudice, and sanctioned the lawyers who filed them. Over 200,000 attorneys have also been penalized for egregious delaying tactics, overbilling or any of several other types of malfeasance. Nearly 50,000 of them have also been criminally prosecuted and/or had their law licenses permanently and involuntarily revoked.

  “On the Al Capone tax, I will only say this. It has more than met my own expectations and far surpassed the expectations of even the most vocal supporters and surprised the hell out of its critics. Along with the improvement of the economy, it has contributed, I believe, to the 23 percent reduction in crime rates across the whole country. It has certainly helped us to cut down on Medicare, Medicaid and insurance fraud in general, and the drug cartels. We've got 'em on the run, folks.

  “In terms of foreign affairs, possibly the decision that has caused the most controversy and backlash has been the one I made to drop out of and stop contributing financially to the United Nations, along with dropping out of the World Trade Organization and the World Court. The UN people are also pretty pissed off about my decision to start charging them rent on their building in New York. The confrontations and controversies have not been settled yet, but I'm standing firm on all of those decisions.

  “Of course, my decision to sever diplomatic relations with and end foreign aid to the 47 countries I have done that with has come under constant criticism and threats. Again, I am standing firm on all those decisions. If any of those countries want to restore those relations, they each know what they have to do. As to the aid we've provided to them in the past, sorry, that won't happen again for decades, if ever. We've learned just how big a sucker this country's government has been in the past, and that wussiness and gullibility is gone, over, done with. Words to the wise. Got it?”

  Donne pulled out the handkerchief and rubbed his head again.

  “Domestically, my prioritizing of people and business over all the cutesy little animals that the anti-capitalists and anti-business folks have used as excuses for sabotaging our growth has shown what to me are great results. In over three hundred cases, I have given the tree-huggers and flower-fondlers thirty days each to relocate the tiny little spiders, owls, turtles, snails, bats and all the rest of their straws before the project they're protesting resumes, and in exactly two dozen of those, the protestors have complied and construction has continued. In all the rest, those enviro-wingnuts have sought other excuses to stop the projects, at least until they were exposed as the anti-business anarchists, saboteurs and radical anti-Americans they are, and I have incarcerated them or confiscated all of their and their organizations' assets … NOT their liabilities, as is my policy. It does appear that most of them have learned their lesson, because we have only had to deal with 23 of those kinds of protests in the last four months.

  “On a more local level, my directive ordering federal, state and local governments to eliminate all their rules, regulations, ordinances or any similar orders banning soap and/or shampoos from outdoor showers went into effect in October, and other than unscientific objections, primarily from uninformed petty bureaucrats and those same enviro-wingnuts, the public is unequivocally in support. Now, if someone can do some serious scientific studies … NOT junk science, but real, unbiased studies that show some demonstrable negative consequences, I may … and I emphasize MAY … take those under advisement. But meanwhile, I trust our beaches will smell better.

  “Along that line, during this past year, my staff and I have been going through all of the EPA's regulations and eliminating those that make no sense and/or have insufficient unbiased scientific evidence behind them. After a year, we're only about halfway through that morass, and we've completely eliminated 92 percent of what we've gotten to, and seriously loosened 92 percent of the other eight percent. We streamlined our process as we went along, and I'd bet we'll be done in less than another three months.”

  Donne pulled out his handkerchief and rubbed his entire head again, took a deep breath and continued.

  “Meanwhile, of course, as I announced in my very first speech to you, all EPA enforcement actions have been suspended, and we will be going back through penalties that have been assessed over the past ten years and determining where refunds need to be made. Wait one. That may not have been in my speech, but it was in one of the first 25 directives I signed. Sorry; this has been a bit of an overwhelming year, and I do get confused from time to time.

  “We've also suspended all enforcement actions under the ADA, FCC, OSHA, and a lot of other agencies too numerous to list here. Check those out on the web site. Same for the Endangered Species Act, which has been so abused ever since it was enacted.”

  Donne pulled out his handkerchief and wiped his head again.

  “As for education, we have received gots of lood feedback – I mean lots of good feedback from both schools and parents about our personal finance module, and we've added amother nodule – I mean another module for the fifth grade, and we will have moo tore for the neventh and sinth cades groming out --”

  Donne gasped for breath, pulled his handkerchief out again, but then clutched at his throat, massaging it, gasped again, then once more choked, gasped again and collapsed facedown on the desk, a small trickle of blood dripping from his nose.

  As Emily, three Secret Service agents and two of Donne's private guards ran into the shot, the screen went to black.

  -115-

  Saturday, June 30, 2012

  11:22 a.m.

  Bonita Beach, Florida

  ”Hey, Sharon. Take a look at this. I thought Pam was in France on a job.”

  “She is,” Sharon rasped back. “Till Monday, I think she said.”

  “Well, isn't that her coming down the beach?”

  “Can't see her yet, Justin. The building's in the way. Oh, wait – let me get the scope. Ah. Nope, not her, but it could be her twin.”

  “She's a knockout.”

  “Hey, Justin!”

  “Well, she is, Lindsay. And look at how she walks.”

  “Flouncing, strutting … whore.”

  “Cool it, you two. Eyes and ears open.”

  “Hey, Jake!”

  “Wha- --JJ? Is that – how are you?”

  “Just great. Still sexy as hell.”

  “That you
are. Haven't seen you in … what? … two years?”

  “Yup. Just here for a month again.”

  “Cool. Still doing the fundraising gig?”

  “Oh, yeah. They can't get enough of me up there. I'm hitting up Fortune 500 CEOs now.”

  “Good for you. Where was that again? Raleigh?”

  “Greenville.”

  “Oh, right; Greenville.

  “Still going with that builder guy?”

  “Nope; that's done, over a year now. I'm on the loose.”

  “I'll alert the media. 'All males now in imminent danger.'”

  JJ dramatically unwound her beach wrap, revealing a tight, very well-proportioned figure in a stunning teeny-weeny green bikini, with gold rings on both sides of the bottom and another in the cleavage. She spun around and wiggled her butt, showing Jake a golden heart embroidered on the back.

  “Like it?”

  “Yeah. You know, I've heard of women wearing their hearts on their sleeves, but --”

  “But not on their gorgeous asses, huh?” She wiggled it some more, glancing over her shoulder and giving Jake a winning smile.

  “Oh, Christ,” Lindsay whispered to Justin. “Who the hell does she think she is?”

  “Now, now, Lin, back it down. We're just observing.”

  “Well, JJ, I have to admit, you've got one of the nicest butts this beach has seen in a while.”

  “You've always had great taste and discernment, Jake Devlin.”

  “That I have, JJ.”

  “So what's up with you? Did you ever get that book idea going?”

  “Yeah, I did. I sent you the link, didn't I?”

  “Yeah, but I only glanced at it.”

  “Well, I'm almost --”

  “Lotsa sex in there, right?”

  “Oh, not much; it's mostly political and some spy kinda stuff.”

  “Oh, pooh. You've got to put a lot of sex in. I could be a model for you, give you some pointers.” She flounced closer to him, leaned down and gave him a big kiss on the mouth, ran her hand down his chest, then stood back up and pulled her sunglasses down and batted her dazzling blue eyes at him. “Or you could give me one.”