If I Can't Have You (Mills & Boon Spice)

by BETH KERY

  He watched her narrowly as she touched her fingers to her face. She looked disoriented. She turned her back to him, and then belatedly realized her dress was gaping open all the way to the top of her buttocks. She hastily zipped it up as far as her reach allowed. He watched as the two sexy dimples on either side of the base of her spine and an expanse of golden, smooth, naked back disappeared behind fabric.

  He sprawled back on the couch, disappointment and frustration slicing through him like a knife.

  “Colleen—”

  “Is that why you came over here? Because Mari told you the kids were at my mom’s? Because you knew I was alone?” she asked, refusing to look at him.

  He gave a frustrated sigh and brushed the long bangs off his forehead. He had a feeling he knew where this line of questioning was going. “I came over here because I wanted to see you. I’m interested in you. It’s not a criminal offense that I’d like to have you to myself for once.”

  “My children are usually with me. We’re kind of a package deal,” she snapped.

  “Don’t try to make me into the bad guy again,” he stated bluntly, leaning forward. “I like your kids, too. That doesn’t mean being alone with you doesn’t have its unique appeal.” He studied her averted profile. His heart sunk a little when he realized the full extent of her vulnerability in that moment.

  Damn.

  He stood. She glanced back nervously. He held out his arms.

  “Come here,” he encouraged.

  “No,” she blurted out. “Don’t say anything else. I’m…I’m confused enough.” She took another step away from him. “I don’t know where that came from,” she said, gesturing to the location where they’d just been locked together in a fevered embrace.

  “Yes, you do,” he said gently. “The same place it came from on Sunset Beach, or in my office the other day. I want you. It’s been driving me crazy spending all this time with you for the past week and not touching you. You want me, too.”

  “I don’t—”

  “Why can’t you admit it’s true?”

  “Because I don’t want it to be true,” she returned, spinning to face him, her expression a little wild. For a few seconds, they just stared at one another.

  “Is it because of Darin?” he asked. He glanced at the photo of the smiling man on the mantle. For the first time since he’d noticed the picture, he felt a sharp stab of jealousy.

  She straightened and stepped farther away from him.

  “Yes,” she said shakily.

  “I’m not so sure I believe you.”

  He expected her to whip around again and let him have it in typical Colleen fashion, but she didn’t speak. Her silence worried him. It worried him a lot. She stood with her back to him, her forearms wrapped below her breasts, her head lowered. She looked much smaller to him in that moment than he was accustomed to seeing indomitable, vibrant Colleen.

  He really was a jerk.

  “I’m sorry. Of course I believe you,” he said. When she didn’t respond, but remained with her head lowered, he sighed. “I’ll let myself out.”

  “I’m the one who is sorry, for sending you mixed messages,” she said. “And you’re right. I’m not so sure you should believe me about Darin, either. I do miss him, don’t get me wrong. But…that’s not why I stopped just now,” she said in a small voice. She glanced up at him hesitantly, her lost expression killing him a little.

  “But believe this, Eric. I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for you,” she said quietly.

  He watched, filled with regret, as two tears rolled down her cheek. The vision of her filled him…her uncertainty, her vulnerability, her sadness. He lifted his hand and dried the soft, smooth surface of her skin with his thumb, wishing he could do more.

  “I’ll leave you alone, if that’s what you want right now. But I’ll see you the day after tomorrow,” he murmured, dropping his hand even though he wanted to keep touching her.

  “What?” she asked, looking bewildered, tears about to spill from her lovely eyes in earnest. He experienced an overwhelming urge to hold her. He was used to physically connecting with a woman, but this added desire to be tender, to soothe…to make everything better confused him a little.

  He took a step toward the hallway, recognizing she needed distance, but never wanting to grant it less.

  “We’re meeting at the bakery with Liam and Natalie. To choose a wedding cake design,” he said.

  “But…you don’t need to come to that, Eric,” she scolded almost fondly.

  He smiled, relishing the sound of his name on her tongue. Funny, how such a little thing could bring him pleasure. What had happened to him? When had he become pleased by so little when it came to a woman?

  But it wasn’t a little thing. Not when it came to Colleen.

  “Natalie asked me to meet you guys. I told her I’d come,” he replied quickly. In fact, Natalie had casually asked him if he was coming with them to the bakery, but she hadn’t seemed particularly invested in whether he was there one way or another. The only thing he knew about cake was that if it tasted good, he’d eat it. The appeal of the cake-choosing ritual rose considerably in his estimation, however, when he learned Colleen would be there.

  Another tear spilled down her cheek.

  “Colleen?”

  “Yes?”

  “I meant it when I said you were beautiful.”

  She started in surprise and then averted her face, swiping at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “My mascara is probably smearing,” she mumbled uncomfortably.

  He smiled. “It is. And I still mean it.”

  More than I did even a few minutes ago. You’re getting more beautiful by the second in my eyes.

  His brow furrowed when he recognized the automatic thought. When had his feelings for her grown so potent?

  “I’ll see you on Monday,” he said gruffly. When she gave him an uncertain nod, he walked down the hallway, leaving her with extreme reluctance.

  Chapter Six

  Colleen rushed into Celino’s Bakery Monday evening carrying a bag filled with Halloween candy. Celino’s was in the same strip mall as the Shop and Save. She’d hoped she’d be able to check off two errands in one sweep, but hadn’t figured on everyone in Harbor Town having the same idea about getting their Halloween supplies. Now she was late.

  The friendly young woman at the front counter immediately showed her to a back room. She paused on the threshold at the vision of Eric inserting a fork and a generous hunk of white cake between his lips. Lined up in front of him on the table were several plates, a slice of cake on each one. Natalie and Liam sat across from him. When they turned to greet her, Colleen saw they were looking through a book filled with photographs of elaborate wedding cakes. A smiling, gray-haired lady sat at the head of the table.

  Eric held her gaze as he chewed his cake. Something about his small smile, or the movements of his slightly whiskered jaw, or the expression in his eyes—like they shared a secret—immediately made her mind leap to that kiss on Saturday night. She’d kissed him several times now, and on each occasion the experience had felt more intense. It made her a little dumbfounded every time she acknowledged how close she’d come to sleeping with him…even when that had been the last thing she’d planned.

  Something had changed that night in her living room. Colleen had been forced to admit to herself the obvious. She was attracted to Eric Reyes. Very attracted. Denial of that fact seemed ridiculous, considering what had nearly happened.

  Nevertheless, that’s precisely what she’d determined she needed to do.

  She wasn’t looking to be in a relationship, and based on Eric’s playboy reputation, he wasn’t interested in anything serious. He’d more than insinuated, in fact, that he didn’t believe in long-t
erm, serious relationships, period. He’d broken his share of hearts in Harbor Town in the past few years; that much was certain.

  Engaging in a dance of attraction with Eric, given their future family connection, was a certain recipe for disaster. It was inevitable they’d have to spend time together for the next few weeks. She would be friendly and cooperative. Even a little flirting wouldn’t be the worst thing on the planet, would it? But that was as far as she’d let it go.

  Definitely. Nothing further than casual, surface attraction. End of story.

  What she’d said to him Saturday night kept replaying in her mind, making her blush at inopportune moments.

  I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for you.

  She’d never been much of a drama queen before. Her little speech struck her as highly embarrassing, given Eric’s casual intentions.

  She entered the room and set down the bag and her purse, saying hello to everyone around the table and shaking hands with Lily Celino, the matriarch of the family-owned bakery.

  “Sorry I’m late,” Colleen apologized. “There was a Halloween rush at the grocery store.”

  “No problem, we just got started,” Lily assured her.

  “I see you’re enjoying yourself. I should have known there was some reason you wanted to come,” Colleen commented to Eric archly as he sunk his fork into a slice of red velvet cake. It seemed easiest just to revert back to her typical sarcastic, teasing manner of relating to him. If she gave him the cold shoulder, it might highlight the significance of those steaming minutes in her living room the other night.

  He shrugged. “Someone had to be the official taster,” he told her, his eyes sweeping over her appreciatively as she came around the table to sit beside him in the only empty chair. Colleen glanced nervously across the table, hoping Liam and Natalie hadn’t noticed Eric’s warm appraisal. They hadn’t. Liam had a bemused expression on his face as he stared at the elaborate cake design, while Natalie and Lily talked animatedly. Colleen glanced sideways at Eric.

  “It’s good, isn’t it?” she asked quietly, referring to the red velvet cake he was sampling. “It’s Jenny’s favorite. She always asks for it on her birthday.”

  “She has good taste. It’s the best I’ve tried so far. You were stocking up for Halloween tomorrow?” he asked, nodding at her bag.

  “Yep.”

  “Brendan’s none too pleased with me at the moment,” Eric admitted as he sunk his fork into the red velvet cake again. “I had to tell him he’s not ready to go off the crutches for another week or so. I hated to disappoint him at his appointment today.”

  “He’ll get over it. You know how kids are about Halloween. He can’t think of a good costume that will include crutches, that’s all.”

  She was distracted by Natalie turning the photo book toward her and asking her advice on several cake designs. By the time they were finished, Liam was looking flummoxed by all the sugary female discussion regarding cake. Eric’s eyes had grown glassy with boredom—or quite possibly from sugar shock, given all the cake he’d eaten, Colleen thought with amusement. She’d learned from Eric over the past week and a half that he jogged regularly. That must be the reason he could consume the equivalent of half a cake and maintain such a lean, muscular build.

  “How complicated can it be?” Colleen heard Liam mumble to Eric as they all stood and Lily ushered them out the door. “It’s flour, sugar and eggs. You bake it. You eat it. End of story.”

  “I’m glad it’s so simple from the male perspective,” Natalie said, grinning at Colleen as they lingered by the table. She glanced back at the cake book, biting her lower lip uncertainly. “Are you sure the red velvet cake and cream-cheese frosting won’t be too trendy?”

  “Absolutely not,” Colleen assured her. “It’s perfect for a Christmas wedding. I’ve always thought the red velvet was Lily’s specialty. Eric voted it as the best cake, as well.”

  “Wow. You and my brother agreed on something.”

  “And they say miracles don’t occur,” Colleen joked.

  Natalie glanced at the door. They were now alone in the back room of the bakery.

  “You and Eric seem to be getting along very well. I’m so glad to see it,” she said quietly.

  “He’s all right. He doesn’t have to be right one hundred percent of the time, like I used to think. It’s more like ninety percent.”

  Natalie laughed. “You must be getting to him. My odds are much worse.” Colleen joined her in laughter.

  “There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, Natalie,” she said as she retrieved her purse and bag.

  “What?”

  Colleen glanced warily toward the empty doorway. Neither Liam nor Eric were within seeing or hearing distance.

  “I’ve been wondering.... Does Eric know what happened last summer?”

  “You mean about Lincoln DuBois being Deidre’s biological father?” Natalie asked, suddenly solemn. Colleen nodded. “No. I haven’t told him.” Natalie shrugged, looking uneasy. “I figured it’s such a private thing to your family. It’s not my place to talk about it with others. Eric has asked Liam about his and Marc’s visits to Lake Tahoe to see Deidre, but he’s under the impression that DuBois is an old family friend of your mother’s, and that since Deidre is a nurse, she’s out there helping to take care of him. I haven’t corrected him in his understanding of the situation.”

  Colleen sighed. DuBois was an old family friend of her mother’s, all right—such a good, old family friend that they’d created a child together while her mother was still married to Derry. Of course, Derry had erred, as well. The discovery of Derry’s infidelity had been why Brigit had turned to DuBois for comfort.

  “You’re going to be a Kavanaugh soon,” Colleen said as she examined the belt on her coat. “And Eric is part of your family. I’d understand it if you felt the need to tell him the truth. It all relates to the crash, after all. It was the reason my dad was so upset that night…why he got so drunk. It relates to your mother’s death, and so it relates to Eric, as well. But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t get into it with him in the near future…not while we plan for the wedding, anyway.”

  “Of course, Colleen,” Natalie said in a hushed tone. “I’m actually glad you brought it up. I’ve been wondering where the line is, in this situation. Eric never shared my obsession to understand the truth about what was going on with Derry on the night of the crash…to discover why your father behaved so uncharacteristically. I figured since he hadn’t been as curious as I was, I wasn’t as obligated to tell him what Liam and I found out.”

  “He never thought about my dad’s motivations as much as you?”

  Natalie shook her head.

  “Well…there’s little doubt that when it comes to grief and trauma, every human being on the planet responds in a different way,” Colleen reflected.

  “I know there’s been a history of friction between Eric and you,” Natalie said earnestly. “But I want you to know, he’s been beyond a brother to me. He’s been a parent. He would do anything for me.”

  Colleen stepped forward and gave her future sister-in-law a big hug. “Believe it or not, I know. I’d have to be the hugest fool on the planet not to be able to see how much Eric cares about you.” She stepped back and gave Natalie a smile. “At one time, I would have just thought it was easy for him, you being as wonderful as you are. Now…I have to admit, some of the goodness might be on his side.”

  She laughed when she saw Natalie’s concern. “I’m only kidding, Natalie. Eric deserves a medal of honor for brotherly affection. My heart has been melting in secret. I’ll deny it to the end of my days if you ever tell him, though.”

  They shared a smile and went out to join the men.

  She didn’t know why, but she didn’t want Eric to know about
her mother and father and Deidre. She already felt vulnerable enough around him as it was. Sometimes, she got the impression he saw right through her armor to her insecurities…her weaknesses.

  It was the combination of her weakness when it came to resolving her past and her weakness for him that had her treading like she was on paper-thin ice.

  Eric completed the finishing touches on Brendan’s bandages while Jenny jumped several inches in the air. She was trying to assess the success of her Halloween costume in the decorative mirror hanging on the wall in his office and coming up a few inches short.

  He affixed the bandage and sat back to study his work. He’d originally thought to use only a smidgeon of the fake blood he’d purchased, but Brendan had gleefully encouraged a more liberal dosage.

  Jenny, who Eric had dressed as a physician, had complained that people would think she was a very bad doctor given her patient’s copious bleeding.

  “Better hurry,” Brendan said anxiously. “My mom will be here any minute. She sounded surprised when I told her to pick us up in your office.”

  “Was she worried?” Eric asked, interested in how Colleen would respond to the special plan he, Brendan, Jenny and Brigit had cooked up for Halloween.

  “No. She trusts you,” Brendan said. “She thinks you’re the best doctor at the hospital. She just sounded confused about why Jenny and I were at your office.”

  Eric did a double take in the process of walking across the room. “Best doctor at the hospital?” he asked, stunned. He removed the mirror from the wall and held it at hip level. Jenny grinned widely as she admired herself in her surgeon’s outfit. Luckily, Eric knew a very petite female surgeon who had recently shrunk a set of scrubs in the wash. Only minimal safety-pin usage had been required to fit Jenny’s wand-thin frame. The fact that she wore several layers of clothes beneath the scrubs helped. “Where did you get the idea your mom thought that?”

  “She said so. I heard her telling my aunt Deidre on the phone yesterday,” Brendan said matter-of-factly as he sailed across the office on his crutches in order to inspect his costume in the mirror alongside his sister. Eric had seen a lot of kids use crutches, but no one moved more quickly and effortlessly than Brendan.