Paper Planes and Other Things We Lost

by Michele G Miller

  “I thought you could use some fresh air.”

  My eyes soak up every bright sunshiny detail of her glowing blonde hair and face. Pure happiness radiates from her. She’s what I need today. “You are fresh air.” I tug the silky material of her shirt, hauling her in for a kiss. “I’d love to hang out with you this afternoon.”

  ***

  “There’s a party tonight at Greg’s house,” Hope says casually, plucking a weed from a crack as we sit on the rocks at LeHigh Gap overlooking the valley. The change of scenery is good. Sunshine, wind, Hope. “Apparently his parents are heading into the city for the weekend.”

  “You want to go?” Going to a party is the last thing I want to do.

  “Yeah, I mean if you’re up to it.” She plucks another weed.

  The land below us looks burned out, black and barren from years of industrial pollution. No matter how much the EPA regulates and works to clean up our region, the damage is done. I feel the same way.

  I muster up some enthusiasm. “Sure, let’s go. We only have six weeks left, right? Might as well make them count.” I regret the words the moment they’re out. I don’t like Greg. I don’t like his parties. They’re full of losers. They’re the types of parties I have to rescue Amber from. I open my mouth to suggest something else for the night, but Hope’s smile stops me. I’m a downer of a boyfriend, I know that. She doesn’t complain, she gets it, and I’m grateful. I can go to a party for her. How bad could it be?

  ***

  I’ve learned nothing from all of the stupid horror movies I’ve watched. Never ask how bad something is going to be, you’ll only make it worse. I’m an idiot. Greg’s house and yard is overrun with classmates itching to recreate Woodstock.

  “Brett, where’s Hope?” Lisa shouts over the music as I walk by.

  “Heck if I know,” Lisa laughs. I assume it’s a laugh. Her mouth opens, her teeth flashing in the black light, but I can’t hear a sound over everything else.

  I lost Hope in this sea of bodies twenty minutes ago. It’s ridiculous. Amber’s sitting at a table with a bunch of guys and Ann. I leave her alone since Mike’s by her side. She’s already accused me of being here for the sole purpose of spying on her, I don’t want to piss her off by sitting with her.

  I make my way outside. I’m so done with school and parties. This was a bad idea.

  “Didn’t you promise to have fun?” Hope finds me sitting on the back patio, staring at the stars. The toe of her shoe nudges mine.

  “I did, I am.”

  “How come I don’t believe you?” She giggles as she lifts my arms out of her way and sits in my lap. She turns, throwing her legs over my knees so she can snuggle into my chest. “Why is it every time I look for you, I find you staring at the stars?”

  The scent of alcohol hits me. No wonder I couldn’t find her.

  “I like the sky. It’s peaceful.”

  “Peaceful, how?”

  I shrug. If I have to explain it, she wouldn’t understand.

  “Fine, want to go to your place?”

  “No.”

  She jerks in my lap. “No? Why not?”

  “Because you’ve been drinking.”

  “So?”

  “So, I know what will happen if we go back to my place. I will want to kiss these lips.” I kiss her once. “And I’ll want to kiss this neck.” My fingers trace the side of her neck, trailing over her collarbone and down her arm until I’m holding her hand. “And before long I’ll want to kiss other spots and we’ll both be too worked up to stop ourselves.” I kiss her fingers. “We’re not there yet, Hope.”

  “We’re not?”

  I chuckle, and kiss her fingers again. “Nope. We could sit here and kiss though.” I waggle my brows.

  Hope giggles. It’s a silly alcohol-induced giggle, and for a moment I want to push her off of me. I bet Ruby doesn’t giggle like that. No! No, no, no! I swoop into Hope’s mouth. No Ruby, not tonight.

  “I like this plan,” Hope whispers against my lips. I pretend I do, too.

  WHAT PART OF NO

  Ruby

  FRIDAY, APRIL 16

  “Let’s go to Chad Bailey’s party tonight.”

  I tuck the phone under my ear and start to clean my room. I hide Brett’s picture in my nightstand. I’d prefer to frame it so I can always see it while I’m in my room—and I’m not sure what that means yet—but what would Dad say if he saw it? Or Jimmy! Yep, hiding it is safest.

  I’ve never been to one of Chad Bailey’s parties, and there’s a reason for that. I do not fit in there. Obviously, Jimmy doesn’t know that yet.

  “Chad Bailey? Are you sure?”

  “Yeah. Why not? I think you could use a night to feel a little carefree. Have a bit of fun.”

  “I don’t know, Jimmy.” I switch the phone to the other shoulder as I fold Brett’s paper plane back to the way it was. “I’ve never been to one of his parties. It’s not really my thing.”

  “Oh, they’re a blast. I’ll pick you up at seven. We can go grab some dinner and then head over. Sound good?”

  He’s not really giving me an easy out to say no. Maybe the night will surprise me, and I’ll have fun. I’ll be with Jimmy, so it can’t be all that bad. “Okay. Sure. I’ll be ready.”

  ***

  The music pounds in my chest. It’s so loud, I don’t know how anyone is carrying on any conversations. As I take in the scene, it’s obvious the majority of them aren’t doing a whole lot of talking. There’s a lot of dancing and drinking and horsing around, but mostly I see couples in dark corners and sprawled out on couches, or sneaking up the grand staircase to find free rooms.

  What about this is carefree, exactly? All around me I see pressure. Pressure to drink. Pressure to smoke. Pressure to have sex. Pressure to be like everyone else.

  Jimmy loops his arm around my shoulders and presses his lips to my ear so I can hear him. “We should get you a drink. Loosen you up a little bit.”

  I know I’m stiff, but I don’t want a drink to loosen me up. “Oh, I’m okay.” I offer him a smile. “Unless it’s a water.”

  “Oh, c’mon. I promise it will make you feel better.” He winks. His winks normally cause my stomach to somersault and my heart to beat rapidly, but this wink is unlike the rest. It’s skeezy and makes me wish I never set foot in this mansion. Jimmy Hoffman isn’t supposed to be skeezy.

  “Really. I have a dance competition tomorrow. I can’t be drinking. I don’t normally even drink soda. It’s hard to keep up if I’m not taking care of my body.”

  Just when I thought Jimmy understood me, accepted me for who I am, he raises an eyebrow with the subtlest of eye rolls.

  “Hoffman!” Chad’s large football player frame comes barreling toward us. Jimmy lets me go to keep Chad from knocking me over as Chad drapes himself all over Jimmy’s shoulder. “You guys made it!” His speech is slurred and he’s swaying from side to side, cup in hand. Clearly, his alcohol level is breaching hazardous. “I didn’t think you were going to be able to get the rigid ol’ broad to come.”

  Rigid?

  “Nah, dude. She wanted to come. Didn’t you, Roo?”

  It’s the first time he’s called me Roo. That nickname should give me fuzzy, warm feelings. It’s reserved for my dad and best friends, not because it’s quicker to say. They say it with love and endearment. All I feel when Jimmy says it is . . . uncomfortable. He didn’t even defend me. Does Jimmy think I’m rigid? I know I’m not easy, but does he really think I’m that uptight?

  I force a smile, attempting not to show that his comment affected me. “I had to see what a Chad Bailey party was all about.”

  “Isn’t it the bomb?” He staggers as he spins in a circle, like he’s a ringmaster in a circus. He’s not far off. This is most certainly close to a freak show.

  I wish I’d at least asked Kamry to tag along. She’d have my back, be a good buffer. I don’t belong here; I knew it from the start. I should’ve told Jimmy no right off the bat, but I didn’t wa
nt to disappoint him. He’s been ditching his friends for me for months. I don’t want to be that girlfriend. He deserves his life, too.

  “She’s needs a drink in her hands.” Chad gestures forward and sloshes beer all over the front of my red shirt. I pull it as far away from my chest as I can without giving everyone a peep show.

  “Chad, man. You need to learn how to hold your liquor. Literally.” Jimmy snickers, his shoulders shaking as he claps him on the back.

  Chad can hardly contain his amusement as he points and laughs. “I’m so sorry. My bad.” Nothing in his tone is apologetic.

  Jimmy takes me under his sinewy arm, his t-shirt presses close to my nose. His spicy cologne is overwhelming in this house of so many potent scents. Normally he smells so good, but it’s making me sick to my stomach. “Is there somewhere I can take her to get this cleaned up?”

  “Sure, man. Sure.” Chad gestures with his red cup to the grand staircase. It curves up the right side of the marble entryway. “Upstairs in my parents’ room. Last door at the end of the hall. Most people know it’s off limits, so you should be fine.”

  Jimmy leads me up the stairs, maneuvering us between the people leaning against the wall and sitting in the middle of the steps. Most of whom I don’t even recognize. I thought this was a party for our high school. Apparently, it’s an open invitation to the entire teen population of Fremonton.

  At the end of the long stretch of hallway, Jimmy opens the bedroom door and lets me go inside first before closing the door after us. I hear the click of the lock, so I turn.

  “So no one else walks in,” he explains. “I figure you don't wanna be bothered by any of those idiots out there while you’re cleaning up.”

  I nod. That’s thoughtful of him.

  We flip on the lights and I head straight for the open archway I assume is the bathroom. Jimmy follows me. There’s no door, so I can’t close it for privacy.

  “Jimmy, will you wait out there? I need to take off my shirt to wash out the beer.”

  He smirks. “You know, I could be really helpful with that.” His hands meet my hips as he curls his fingers in my belt loops and tugs me against him—chest-to-chest. The wet material sticks to my skin.

  My body immediately stiffens and I try to laugh. “It’s okay. I can handle it. I’ll be really quick.”

  “No need to rush. We’ve got this bedroom all to ourselves.” He nips at my bottom lip, kissing me once. “We don’t have to worry about one of our parents walking in.” Twice. “It’s just you and me.” Three times. One of his hands takes the back of my head as he forces his mouth onto mine.

  “Jimmy,” I say against in his lips.

  “Mmmm?” His tongue slips out and licks my top lip, snake-like.

  I don’t want to kiss him anymore. I’ve had enough of Jimmy Hoffman. I don’t care how hot he is, or how everyone loves him. This doesn’t feel right.

  I push against his chest and he loosens his grip a fraction. “Will you take me home, please? I don’t want to be here for the rest of the night in a wet shirt that reeks of alcohol.”

  “But we just got here.” He tries to tempt me, bringing his mouth back to mine. His lips trail down my face toward my neck, leaving a wet streak of saliva. As soon as I get home I will be showering.

  I push harder against his chest and turn my head, removing my mouth from his. “Then you can stay. I’ll call Kamry and have her come pick me up. I don’t mind. Really I don’t.”

  His hands grip my sides tighter, forcing my hips into his. “I promise if you have a few drinks, you’ll feel so much better. We’ll laugh about this tomorrow.” His smile is off. Do I need to scream? If I scream, will anyone hear me?

  “Did you know over 3,000 teens died last year from alcohol-related incidents?”

  “Is that something else you researched? More ways to die?”

  It’s a slap across the face. Not what he asked, but the tone, the condescension.

  I put as much force in my voice as I can muster. “I want to go home, Jimmy.” I push out of his grasp and put space between us.

  “You really are a goody-goody, aren’t you?”

  A slap to the other cheek. “Excuse me?”

  “I thought maybe it was a little act. Something you did to hide who you really are since clearly you’re not comfortable in your own skin, but now I see, you’re just a tease.”

  Tears prick the back of my eyes. Where is this coming from? He’s not who I thought he was. “Jimmy, I’m going to walk out that bedroom door, and you’re going to let me. Okay? We’re done.”

  “C’mon, Ruby.” He pinches the bridge of his nose and groans. “I’m sorry. It’s been a long day. I didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t have said it.”

  I don’t want to make him angry. I want to get past him and out of this room. “It’s fine. It’s been a long day for me, too. Just let me go. I’ll find a phone and call Kamry. I meant it. You stay. I’ll go. I won’t be upset.”

  His arm jets out when I try to pass him. He presses it against the archway, blocking the only way out. “But I don’t want you to go. I want to work this out.”

  “There’s nothing to work out. You insulted me. Obviously, since I’m such a tease I should go. I’m sorry I’m being so rigid. Just let me leave, please.”

  “No.” He shakes his head and takes my biceps in his hands. “You’re upset that I didn’t stick up for you with Chad. Is that it? He’s drunk, Roo. He doesn’t know what he’s saying or I’m saying. It wouldn’t have made a difference.”

  “I’m not mad about Chad.” My voice is as calm as I can manage and it still trembles. How did I get myself into this situation? Who is this person in front of me? As soon as we walked through the front door Jimmy made a transformation. I really wish Brett were here. “I just want to go home. I’m getting tired, and like I told you, I have a dance competition tomorrow. I need to get a good night’s sleep.”

  His teeth grind. “We’re not going anywhere until we talk this through. Couples say things they don’t mean sometimes. We’re fighting. This is normal.” His grip is getting tighter and tighter. “Don’t you get it? Shove me and call me a jerk and we’ll be done with this fight. We can make up.”

  “Jimmy,” I utter. “You’re hurting me.”

  “We’re not breaking up.” His face is inches from mine. “You can’t break up with me.”

  Bang! Bang! Bang!

  I inhale sharply.

  “Is everything all right in there?” I know that voice.

  “Yes,” Jimmy shouts back. “We’re fine.” His eyes remain focused on me, willing me not to contradict him. These eyes are not eyes I know. They’re intimidating and quite frankly, frightening. Who are you?

  “Are you sure?” Mitchell calls. “Ruby? Are you okay?”

  Jimmy’s grip isn’t loosening. He digs his fingertips into the backs of my arms, leaving what will surely turn into bruises by morning. “Just let me go, Jimmy,” I whisper. “Please. Mitchell will know if I’m not okay. Do you want to deal with that?”

  Reluctantly, he lifts his fingers one by one. “We’re not done here.”

  I rush past him. “Oh, yes we are.” Mitchell is standing alone when I unlock the door. He scans me, like he’s checking for injuries, then looks over my shoulder at Jimmy.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, his eyes focused behind me.

  I’ve never been happier to see Mitchell in my entire life. “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.”

  WILD ONE

  Brett

  SATURDAY, APRIL 17

  Today is a great day. Thank you, Red Hot Chili Peppers. There’s not much a day of skating and my favorite band can’t cure. I needed a cure today. Last night was a double whammy of brutal . . .

  “Prom is three weeks away and you haven’t asked me.”

  “I didn’t know I had to ask you. I thought it was implied.” I’m a jerk. Of course I’m supposed to ask her. Last year I sent Becca flowers and a card. Of course Hope expected something.

 
“You’re all over the place these days. I don’t know what’s implied and what isn’t.” Hope pushes herself up from my bed. “I’m trying to be cool here, but it’s Senior Prom. It’s kind of a big deal.”

  Is she tearing up? Well, crap. I sit. “Hey, I’m sorry. I’m usually not this sucky at dating.”

  She sniffs. “I know. You don’t think I’ve heard the endless stories about how adorably sweet you are from my friends?” Her friends. My past dates. Yeah. That’s not awkward at all.

  “Okay, here’s the plan. Tell me you’ll go to prom with me and I promise I’ll make it the best over-the-top cheese fest date you’ve ever had.” I grab her hands, forcing her to look at me. “I swear, we’re talking ridiculous background music and everything.” She bows her head.

  Dipping down, I maintain our connection. “Ha, I see the grin you’re trying to hide.”

  Hope smiles. “Okay, yes, I will go to prom with you, Brett Pratt.”

  I pounce, pushing her into my mattress and covering her lips with mine once more.

  I’m an idiot. How could I promise Hope the best date she’s ever had for prom? Expectations for these things are always impossibly high, and I’ve set an Olympic event level expectation. Way to go.

  Two hours later, I’m waiting for Amber to come home from Greg’s party. I’m going to need her help if I’m going to make this happen. I jolt awake. What the . . .? I stretch, blinking the haze from my vision. My neck cracks. Couch, I fell asleep on the couch.

  Keys jiggle in the front door lock. “Shhhh.”

  Stupid Amber. It’s 2AM.

  “You can’t come in.” Amber giggles as the door creaks.

  “It’s not like you have parents. Come on, let me crash here tonight.” The voice is new. Another loser in a long line of losers. I thought she was doing better. She fooled me. Their voices mumble words I can’t decipher. The door flies into the wall, smacking it loudly as Amber’s keys fall to the floor and the front porch light illuminates the dark foyer.