Paper Planes and Other Things We Lost

by Michele G Miller

  FRIDAY, JUNE 11

  Brett,

  My mom was going to Europe for a girl’s trip. She was going to meet her best friend, Heather, in Paris and they were going to spend two weeks eating and shopping their way through France and Italy. I was so jealous. Not about the shopping part, but missing out on all the history and art those countries have to offer. My mom promised someday we’d go together—a mother/daughter trip since my dad has no interest in Paris. I really wanted that trip with her and not because it was Europe, but because it would’ve been with her. I can’t imagine going with anyone else.

  I know I wanted my mom to be on that private island, dancing across the sand, but that was only so I didn’t have to envision the alternative. After she went missing, my mind kept replaying her as she walked out our front door for the last time. So many people never get to say goodbye when they lose someone. I not only got to say goodbye, I had the chance to tell her I loved her. Those were my last words to her.

  We always had these wars. It was silly, really. She’d say, “I love you” and I’d say, “I love you more.” Then she’d always win with, “I love you the mostest.” Maybe it’s greedy of me since so many aren’t as lucky as I was, but I want to hear those words one last time. “I love you the mostest.”

  Will you draw her dancing? Wherever she is, I know she’s dancing.

  Are you sure you’re ready to hug me for as long as it takes? That might take awhile. I’m not sure we’ll have enough time together for that, but maybe we can make a dent in the hurt.

  Where is this boldness coming from? Apparently Brett brings it out in me. With every letter, I’m more confident in what we have, in who I am, in what I want out of life. As I write, I discover more about myself than I knew before. I not only get to know Brett, I get to know myself.

  Is Amber upset with you? How did she find out? You know I’ll have your back, but do you think she’ll remember having a letter addressed to her that went missing? Or will you tell her it was meant for you? Just gotta get my story straight so I don’t ruin it for you.

  Love, Ruby

  P.S. SIX DAYS! Oh my stars! This is the last letter you’ll get from me before we meet!

  P.P.S. Do you like to read? This is something I should already know. You obviously know I love to read. Anything and everything.

  P.P.P.S. You say this cake Gram will be feeding me is the best in the universe. I’ll be the judge of that. I’m a very good dessert judge.

  ACHY BREAKY HEART

  Brett

  FRIDAY, JUNE 11

  “Knock, knock. Can I come in?”

  Sliding my arm over the artwork I’m messing with, I turn at Hope’s voice. She leans against the door jamb to my room, wringing her hands.

  “Um, hey. Yeah, come in.” I square my shoulders as she steps into my room, her eyes scanning the area. Is she looking for evidence I still care? The pictures of us from Prom and Senior Night remain on my dresser. A note she wrote during school is still tacked on the board above my desk. “You and Am going out?” I’m trying to be conversational, I already know their plans.

  Her eyes flick down at her outfit. “Yeah, Travis’ place. You’re not going?”

  “I don’t think so.” Her face falls ever so slightly. I lean my hip against my desk. “Hope.”

  She walks to my dresser, her fingers touching our framed picture. “You’re still mad at me, aren’t you?”

  “Honestly?” She nods, biting the edge of her bottom lip. “I don’t know. I—” Don’t say anything you’ll regret. Anything that might hurt her. I love you, Hope, but not in the way you want. Ruby’s voice fills my head; her smile appears behind my eyelids. I’m too conflicted to consider anything with Hope. Not until Ruby and I meet face to face.

  There’s the issue with Amber too. I seize that. “She’s all I have, Hope. She’s all I have left, and you didn’t protect her. I know it’s unfair, believe me, I know it. But I can’t take chances. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand that. You have loyalty to Amber, I know, and I understand it. I don’t think you can be with me and be her best friend, too. Not right now, not with the way she’s acting.”

  Hope shakes her head. “That’s not true.”

  She moves forward and I lift a hand, straightening from my desk. “There’s also someone else. Kind of.” I don’t want to mention Ruby, but I don’t want Hope to beg me. Another girl is the quickest way to clarify my feelings.

  “Someone else?” Hope’s arms cross at her waist, her blue eyes narrowing as her head cocks to one side. Waiting for more. Oh, how quickly the beseeching becomes curious anger.

  “Kind of,” I repeat.

  “Kind of? What does that mean?”

  Crap. How do I explain Ruby? What does it mean? I release a deep, mental breath. “Her name is Ruby.”

  “Ruby? I don’t know a single Ruby.”

  “She lives in California.” Of course, she expected I’d name someone she knows. Palmer isn’t huge, everyone knows pretty much everyone here. If I pushed her hair away from her face I’m sure I’d see a wrinkled and confused forehead. “She . . . her mom died in the crash, too.” Smooth, Brett. Blurt it right out, why don’t you.

  There’s this face everyone makes when you tell them your parents died on Flight 397. This shock and awe type of face. The dip of the head as they say they’re sorry. The sigh escaping their lips. It’s been a year and I’m not used to it. Hope does it now. All this time, and there’s still a visceral reaction to the statement of loss.

  “I don’t understand.” Her tone is lighter this time.

  “Neither do I, Hope.” What a cop out. I slide my chair from my desk and sit, signaling her to take a seat on my bed. “In January, I received a letter—” it’s a lie, but I’m sticking to the story. “—from Ruby explaining who she is. She reached out because she was a senior, like us, and wanted to chat with someone who understood what she was going through. I wrote her back.”

  “It was supposed to be one letter. I responded because there was something about her, something that made me smile on a day when things were going downhill pretty fast. It was the day I found out Amber was skipping school.” Recognition enters Hope’s features. “But somehow . . . well, she wrote me back. So I replied again and we’ve been writing ever since.”

  “Ever since.” She repeats as she licks her lips and tucks her hair behind an ear. “How often?”

  “Weekly. Sometimes more.”

  “And obviously while we were together.” Her mouth tightens, her tongue clicking within.

  “Letters, Hope. I didn’t cheat on you. In fact, I told her about you, about us—”

  “Oh, you did, did you? Am I supposed to feel better now?”

  I put myself in her place. If I loved her and found out she was talking to some guy, bonding with him behind my back, it would hurt. I can’t be selfish anymore. That’s the real reason I didn’t tell her about Ruby—it was wrong.

  “No. No, you’re not. It was unintentional, I promise. I’ve tried so hard to be the brother Amber needs and to live up to this ideal my parents had. I was at a breaking point.”

  “And this Ruby came in at just the right time,” Hope sighs, hugging herself.

  “Yeah.” I move from the chair to sit next to Hope, my hand reaching for hers. “Hope, there are things about me you get, things that are perfect about us as a couple. We’ve known each other forever, you knew my parents, you know my sister. We have history.” She smiles a watery smile. My heart clenches; a straight up painful, He-Man-like vise grip in my chest. “But Ruby, there’s something between us I can’t ignore. Maybe it’s flirtation, maybe it’s more. I don’t know. I only know I couldn’t lead you on, I couldn’t be with you, until I figured it out.”

  Hope sniffs. “How are you supposed to do that if she lives in California?”

  “She’ll be here next week for the memorial service.” I release her hand.

  A soft, sardonic laugh pours from her lips and she stands up. She walks
halfway across my room, then turns back. “So you get to meet this girl, see if she makes you feel anything, and if not you’ll come back to me with a ‘sorry, Hope’?” I could choke on the thick anger radiating off her. “My heart doesn’t work like that, Brett.”

  “Is that what you think of me?” Why is she attacking me? I’m trying to be honorable here. “I’m not trying to test drive cars. I didn’t put you on hold so I could see if I like her better. We broke up because of that night with Amber. I stayed away after because of Ruby. Because I wanted to be fair to you. Don’t act like I’m some jerk who’s trying to have his cake and eat it too.”

  “Well, you’ve always loved your cake.” She shoots the words like a gun, aiming her vehemence straight for my heart. Turning on her heel, she walks out of the door, her hand pulling the knob behind her.

  “Hope!” The door slams in my face. “Well, that went well.”

  I return to my desk and pick up a black pencil, forcing myself to continue working on the picture I’m drawing for Ruby.

  “Brett?” Amber calls through the door two minutes later.

  “How much did she tell you?” I ask the moment the door clicks shut behind her back.

  “Would you be mad if I tell you she didn’t have to tell me anything? I kinda overheard the whole thing myself.” She doesn’t even have the decency to look guilty.

  “Of course you did.” I return to my picture, dismissing her. “At least now I don’t have to repeat it all to you.”

  “No,” her voice is directly over my shoulder. “You just need to explain it all.”

  “I don’t have to explain anything. Aren’t you going to be late for your party?”

  “You broke up with Hope because of me? You were miserable because of me? You met Ruby because of me.”

  My head snaps around.

  “You didn’t think I’d figure it out? It took me a while to recall the letter I received last December. The name was familiar, but I barely looked at it back then. I think I was hung over, I threw it on my table and fell into bed. Forgot it was even there.”

  “I’m not going to apologize for taking it.”

  “I wouldn’t expect you to, B. I could be mad, but the truth is I never would have answered her. Had I known who she was, I would have ripped it up without reading it.”

  Her matter of fact answer fuels my anger. “Why? Why are you so angry? So destructive?”

  She tosses her blonde hair over her shoulder. “She’s coming next Friday?” she asks, ignoring my questions. I nod. “Okay then. I look forward to meeting her.”

  “Why?”

  “Why?” Her hands run over her sides, smoothing the skirt she’s wearing. “I’m extremely curious to meet the girl who’s captured your attention with only words. You don’t fall for stupid girls, brother of mine. That’s why you dumped Carmen when she wanted to get serious. It’s why you’ve had very few long term girlfriends. If you like Ruby, then she’s worth something.”

  “Don’t worry about Hope, I’ll make sure she has so much fun tonight she’ll forget all about you.” She winks with a devilish smile.

  “Not too much fun though, right? You promised.”

  “Yeah, right. With Gram here? I promise to behave. I still think you should come with us.”

  “Any chance of me going flew out the window after my conversation with Hope. Besides, I’m working on something.”

  She leans over me, her eyes taking in the half-finished drawing. Her lips part, forming an ‘O’. “Is that a dancer?” I nod, studying the sketch from her eyes. I’ve outlined the form of a ballerina, arms wide, body slightly bent as though she’s about to bow. “And outer space?” Her eyes move side to side as she studies the work. I simply nod again as I look at the black ring of space and stars circling the faceless woman.

  “It’s amazing. It’s not fair you inherited all of the talent pool.” She pouts prettily.

  “Sure it is, you ended up with all of the good looks.”

  “Can’t argue that point.” She pats my arm and turns. When her hand touches the doorknob her back stiffens. “Hey, B.”

  “Yeah?”

  “As for your question, about why I’m so angry—” My breath sticks in my throat. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”

  WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16

  Two letters in one day. The mail is funny sometimes. I laugh and laugh as I read the first one. I laugh so hard Gram stops what she’s doing and stares.

  “What are you reading that’s so funny?” She chuckles.

  I lower the letter. “If you could have a superpower what would it be?”

  “Superpower? What are my choices?”

  “I dunno. Anything, I guess. Speed, flying, X-ray vision. Oh, and strength. That’s what you would want, isn’t it?” Gram chuckles again. “Super Gram picking up cars and stuff.”

  “What about you? Super speed so you can fly across the snow and do all those crazy tricks you keep telling me about on your snowboard?”

  “That’s an idea.” Oh, how I could gain some massive air with enough speed. My mouth salivates at the picture. Winter is so far away.

  I go back to reading Ruby’s letters. She’s so excited. Man, so am I. My guilt over my fight with Hope has all but disappeared. Amber assured me that after talking things out, Hope understands what happened and isn’t mad anymore. I’m not sure if I believe her, but it’s a nice thought.

  Ruby’s first letter made me laugh. Her second steals my heart.

  “Will you draw her dancing? Wherever she is, I know she’s dancing.”

  I get up from my chair and walk to my room. I’m numb. The picture I’ve worked on for a week sits on my desk. It’s my vision of Ruby’s mom, and she’s dancing.

  Somehow, I knew. Goosebumps cover my arms.

  THURSDAY, JUNE 17

  Ruby is boarding a plane from California to New York. Today!

  SHE’LL GO TO PIECES

  Ruby

  THURSDAY, JUNE 17

  My knee bounces and my fingers tap my thigh the entire ride to the airport. It’s actually happening. I’m one day away from meeting Brett Pratt. Face-to-face. It came so quickly. I thought this day would never come, but it’s tomorrow. Where did the time go?

  Will I recognize him in person? Should I have told him what I’m going to be wearing so he can pick me out in the crowd? We agreed to meet at the memorial under the tented area, but what if he doesn’t recognize me from my pictures? There will be so many people there. What if I can’t find him? To come all this way, just for us to miss one another. No, I will stay at the memorial until the last person leaves if that’s what it takes to find him.

  He’s going to hug me. The thought of his arms around me makes me feel lightheaded. I better not faint. Is a kiss on the cheek okay? Too forward? Probably. Should I do it anyway? It would probably be too much for him. A hug is safe.

  Shut off brain. It will be fine. Stop obsessing, Ruby.

  But I can’t. This feels big. Life changing, even. If we click, then what? He’s still going to Penn State. While we’ll only be four hours away from each other, will that be close enough? Will we still write? Will phone calls become our normal? I don’t want to give up our letters, even if we talk all the time. His letters are something I can read over and over again to remind myself how far we’ve come. They document how we’ve grown as individuals and as—whatever we are. It feels strange to call us friends. We’re in limbo. More than friends, but not quite more than friends. All I know is no matter what happens, I don’t want to lose him. I need him in my life.

  It’s hard to believe I’ve only known him since January. On the other hand, it feels like I sent my first letter yesterday. It’s not only that time has flown by, I can hardly remember what it was like to not know Brett.

  What are the chances . . .

  Maybe there was always an invisible tether connecting California to Pennsylvania, and it was simply waiting to be tugged on, waiting for someone to see its existence. Maybe Mom coul
d see how brightly it glowed, so she pulled some strings. She wanted me to see it, too.

  ***

  We pull up to the curb in front of the airport and get out. Dad grabs our bags from the trunk of Nana’s car, as Nana squeezes me tight against her chest. She pulls back, holding my face in her hands, “You two enjoy yourselves. Take lots of pictures for me. Be safe and maaaaake suuuu . . .” Her grip loosens. One of her hands falls from my cheek.

  “Nana?” I urge.

  Her mouth opens and closes, but only incoherent words come out.

  “Mom?” Something is wrong. This isn’t right. Dad steps up, setting his hand on her elbow, steadying her.

  One of her legs gives out. Then she falls onto the concrete before I can ground myself enough to catch her.

  “Mom!”

  “Nana!”

  I WILL REMEMBER YOU

  Brett

  FRIDAY, JUNE 18

  A bell chimes. Two hundred and thirty-four times. Once for each person lost on Flight 397 one year ago today.

  Two hundred and thirty-four names are called out. Two hundred and thirty-four roses are laid in the surf along the beach, under the perfect summer sun where one year ago charred ruins washed to shore.

  One year. Three hundred and sixty-five days. Five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes. That’s forty-two million, forty-eight thousand heartbeats.

  I memorized these random facts for Ruby.

  Ruby, who isn’t here.