Road Trip: BBQ And A Brawl (The Unbelievable Mr. Brownstone Book 19)

by Michael Anderle

  “That’s not muttering, it’s thinking out loud.” James’ hands twitched, and he resisted the urge to rise and pace. “Okay. I do kind of want to take a road trip, but I was thinking of waiting until the summer.”

  Shay stared at him, her face contorted in pained disbelief. “The summer?”

  James shrugged. “That’s when the best barbeque events happen.”

  “There’s no way in hell I want you puttering around and eating sauced meat anywhere near the time I’m ready to pop.” Shay shook a finger. “That’s not a good idea, and you’ll just pace for months and mutter if you wait that long. You need time to process things now, and I’m telling you, as your wife and a woman who just loves you—go ahead, take some time away from home, enjoy all the brisket and let the news finally and totally sink in. No, I’m not telling you, I’m practically begging you, damn it.”

  James scratched his ear. “Nadina is opening up a new place in Denver next week. She invited me. I could go there.”

  While James couldn’t claim he was close friends with the Light Elf pitmaster, they had spent time together at several barbeque events in the last few years, and most people would at least consider them friendly acquaintances. She’d invited him to her openings before and he’d turned her down, worried about the crowds and annoying media.

  Nadina thrived under attention. It was probably why she had so many restaurants. She’d come a long way since being a contestant on Barbeque Wars and having people question if an elf should even be cooking barbeque.

  Shay bobbed her head, relief spreading across her face. “Going to Denver sounds like a good plan. Go. Have fun doing barbeque shit. Hit a bunch of great places along the way, and think about all the barbeque you can shove into our kid in the future.”

  James grinned. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

  “I assume you’ll be stopping off at Jesse Rae’s along the way?”

  “What would be a barbeque road trip be without it?” James resisted the urge to snort. It wasn’t as if Shay was trying to challenge his love of Jesse Rae’s.

  Shay smiled. “Then you should visit Trey and Zoe. You haven’t seen either of them in a few months, and phone calls and messages aren’t the same thing.”

  “They’ve got their own shit to worry about, but yeah, I’ll do that.”

  Given the way Trey had been running things in Vegas, he could have easily broken away from the Brownstone Agency and started his own bounty hunting agency, but he’d made it clear he had no intention of doing that.

  Shay’s smile turned evil. “And since you’re not leaving until next week, we can still go to our thing tomorrow.”

  James groaned. “I’ve got nothing against having dinner with Tyler and Maria, but does it have to be at some fancy-ass place?”

  “Yes. Yes, it does.” Shay winked. “So clench and get ready. You can stand a little bit of pain before all your barbeque pleasure. And let me be the one to break the news to them.”

  Chapter Two

  James had never gotten comfortable with the concept of a restaurant with a dress code. He wasn’t going to complain about Shay’s low-cut, high-slit scarlet dress, but even the glorious sight was almost too high a price to pay for the tie and jacket he was forced to wear. This was the uniform they’d make him wear in Hell.

  Even though Shay mercifully limited trips to upscale restaurants to about once a quarter, it never made the eventual donning of a choking tie any more comfortable, or the dread over the food choice any less. Usually, he could get by with a steak, but the seafood joint chosen for tonight’s dining lacked even that safe option.

  The restaurant’s menu boasted about their fresh seafood, but James would have given a diamond for a juicy steak. Shay had tricked him. He had assumed they would at least offer surf and turf.

  What’s a meal without at least a little beef or pork? Sauce optional.

  While James didn’t hate fish, at least cooked fish, he’d never been overly fond of it, either. Even the baked halibut on his fork lacked the satisfaction of a half-assed-executed steak, let alone the brilliant intricacies of God’s second-greatest gift to man: barbeque.

  Maybe if I ate a fish with legs, it’d taste better. Shit. Doesn’t that basically mean eating frogs? Fuck that.

  The restaurant’s dim lighting was supposed to be atmospheric, but it mostly made it hard to see. That, along with the wide spacing of the tables, provided a slight advantage by isolating James, Shay, Tyler, and Maria. From what Shay had said, Tyler had picked the place, and he’d had to pull a few strings to get a reservation since the restaurant only served dinner and a small number of diners.

  Reservations were another thing that annoyed James. Scheduling an order for pickup was one thing, but turning a place into some sort of contest for entry went against his belief that great food should be shared, even if he had a very different definition of what great food was than the chef at the seafood place.

  Just have to put in my time, and then I’ll be safe for a few months.

  Tyler and Maria sat across the table, the former looking far too comfortable in his black suit. Maria was wearing a flattering black dress. Shay, Tyler, and Maria had been discussing other restaurants they might want to hit in the future. The latter two had become the Brownstones’ official couple partners for fancy dining.

  All the choices sounded terrible, but some were bound to have at least a few different steak options. Judging by the look on Tyler’s face as he smiled down at his own plate, he didn’t share James’ opinion of the current food.

  “I was just thinking that it’s been a while since we’ve all gotten together.” Tyler swirled the wine in his glass, an easy smile on his face. He took a sip. “This was a good choice. I’m glad I picked it. It’s always nice to find a new place to take clients to when I’m schmoozing, and you never know if a place is going to live up to its reputation.”

  Shit. I wish it wasn’t living up to its reputation.

  “Everything still going okay?” Shay lowered her fork. “You were having trouble with that attempted industrialist kidnapping case last time I heard.”

  Tyler shook his head. “Everything’s fine. I got that entire thing taken care of.” He snickered. “You know, a few years back when I decided to shift over to the security investigation business, I thought I was making a mistake. I kept telling myself, ‘Those rich assholes will be more trouble than they’re worth. Stay in your lane, Tyler.’ But now I’m making more money than I know what to do with, and I don’t have to spend as much time around scum. It’s refreshing.” He surveyed the room and nodded as if satisfied that none of the aforementioned scum was present to hear his complaints. “And we’re finally living the lifestyle Maria and I deserve.”

  His wife rolled her eyes. “I told you from the beginning you should do something like that. You were just too obsessed with being King of the Dirtbags. I never understood the appeal of that garbage, but I’m an ex-cop, so of course, I wouldn’t.”

  Tyler smirked. “You married me. Does that mean you were Queen of the Dirtbags for a while?”

  “Yes, it does.” Maria lifted her chin haughtily. “Queen Maria the First of the Kingdom of the Dirtbags is not amused.”

  James picked up his water and took a sip. He’d wanted a beer, but he didn’t recognize any of the brands. That might imply he had an unrefined palate when it came to beer, but he didn’t care. It was hard to go wrong with water.

  Shay took a deep breath. “This wasn’t just me wanting to get James out of the house and into a nice suit. We’ve got news we wanted to share.”

  Tyler’s gaze flicked between Shay and James. “News? Why does that sound scary?” His face twitched.

  Shay laughed. “It’s nothing bad. It’s just…I’m pregnant.”

  Maria’s eyes widened, and she gasped. “Wow. Seriously?”

  Shay nodded. “Delivery should be around the middle of July.”

  “Congrats, Shay.”

  “Yeah, uh, congrats,” Tyler mumbled as he s
tared at James. “Uh, not to be a dick…” he continued, his voice low.

  Maria scoffed. “Does that sentence ever end in a good way? ‘Not to be a dick, but you’re the best person I’ve ever met!’”

  James locked eyes with Tyler. He knew what was coming. Maria and Tyler had learned the truth about his alien heritage a couple of years prior. James had wondered if the former info broker would use it against him, but Tyler’s only response had been to say, “So much shit about you makes sense now, Brownstone, and I don’t feel as bad about losing out to Superman.”

  “I’m just saying…” Tyler licked his lips. “I thought that wasn’t, you know, possible. It’s not like you two don’t have a healthy sex life.”

  James grunted.

  Shay smirked.

  Maria shook her head and sighed. “For a guy who is always riding James for his lack of tact, you sure are being pretty embarrassing right now.”

  Tyler shrugged. “It’s a legitimate observation.”

  The group fell silent as the waiter came to check on them.

  Once the waiter had retreated several yards, Tyler leaned back toward James. “I’m just saying you’re not exactly newlyweds, and you haven’t had a kid yet. It’s been years.”

  “Shit changed,” James replied with a shrug. “Whispy changed me.”

  Maria reached over to pat Shay’s hand. “That’s great.” She ran a hand through her graying hair. “I’m a little jealous. I got married too late to King Dirtbag over there, and I don’t have any nieces or nephews, but now I’ll have the chance to be the most awesome godmother in the world to make up for it.”

  Tyler stared down at his half-eaten lobster, his face pinched. “I’m having trouble processing this. How does it even work?”

  Maria pulled her hand back. “Do I need to explain it to you? When a Mommy Brownstone and a Daddy Brownstone love each other very much, sometimes they get together at night and have fun. Then, nine months later, a baby is born.”

  “Very funny.” Tyler grimaced. “Come on, am I the only one who’s having trouble thinking of James with a kid? The Granite Ghost is spawning? This is breaking my brain a little.”

  Maria narrowed her eyes. “He already has a kid. A very successful kid.”

  “But she came with miles on her already.”

  James shrugged. He didn’t really care what Tyler thought, even if the man had hit a few points he’d been thinking about too. It wasn’t crazy for someone to think the idea of him with a young kid at least a little odd.

  “’The Granite Ghost is spawning?’” Shay let out a low laugh. “As opposed to me? I’m not exactly a woman whose life screams ‘maternal.’”

  Tyler waved his hand and looked around the room as if shocked that not everyone was in an uproar about the news, even if they hadn’t heard it. “I can see it now: your kid wandering around the preschool breaking little bullies’ heads and calling them stupid dumb asses. The Brownstone School Effect.”

  “Preschool?” Shay grinned at James. “We were thinking of kindergarten, but preschool could work, too.”

  “All Brownstones do what they need to do,” rumbled James. “Regardless of age. Alison was kicking ass when she needed to as a teenager.”

  Tyler pointed at him. “See, this is what I’m talking about.” He laughed. “Most normal people would be like, ‘No, of course, my kid isn’t going to run around taking down everyone who threatens him.’”

  Maria elbowed him. “Don’t be annoying.”

  Tyler gave her a pained look. “Not being annoying. Just being real.”

  “I don’t care.” James grunted. “I’m not normal. We’re not normal. But the whole thing is kind of different. Since I’m mostly retired from bounty hunting, it makes me worry less about family stuff. I can be there for the kid without too much trouble. Cleaning up the trash once or twice a year won’t be a problem, even if Shay needs extra help.”

  Shay nodded. “See? Not a big deal. Alison knows already, but you two are the first people otherwise to be told.”

  Maria smiled. “I’m honored.”

  Tyler grinned.

  Shay smirked. “If you want to sell the information, you better hurry before we start telling everyone.”

  “I wasn’t going to sell it.” Tyler looked insulted.

  “You were thinking about it.”

  Tyler shrugged. “It’s not like I’m totally out of the old game, you know. Instincts and all that.”

  “I don’t care,” James replied. “It’s not gonna be a big secret.”

  Why? I could have told Mack, but Shay’s right, and so is Tyler. I’m still trying to process this shit. The more people I tell, the more I have to face it.

  A thoughtful look passed over Maria’s face. “Retirement, huh?”

  The other three all looked at her.

  “What about it?” Shay asked. “It’s been a while for James.”

  “It wasn’t his retirement I was thinking about.” Maria’s gaze grew distant, almost wistful. “I was a cop for a long time, and I’ve been a bounty hunter for a long time too, almost thirty years altogether. I’ve been kicking scumbag asses for decades. James left this bounty-hunting game, and you…” she looked around, “…you focused on academics over your old career. Tyler switched too, but I keep thinking lately, ‘What would it be like if I retired and got away from a job that requires me risking getting shot at or fireballed?’ That might not be such a bad thing.”

  Tyler blinked. “You never mentioned this to me. Not that I’m complaining. I’ve always thought your job was too dangerous. I mean, you work for the Brownstone Agency.” He nodded at James. “He doesn’t work for his own agency.”

  James shrugged. “Not because it’s dangerous.”

  “Well, yeah. Nothing’s too dangerous for you.”

  James grinned. “Besides, I beat down enough pieces of shit to last me a hundred years. I’ve earned a little barbeque time.”

  “I feel the same way,” Maria admitted. “Not the barbeque thing, just something else.” She sighed. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Shay being pregnant just really brought it home.” She offered Shay an apologetic smile. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to hijack your announcement.”

  Shay shook her head. “I’ve got months and months to be the center of attention. If you want to talk about retirement, might as well do it with your friends, right? We’ve both done the big switch to a radically different career.”

  Maria took a deep breath. She picked up her wine glass and downed a large gulp. “Working for the agency pays well, but it’s not like I need the money. I haven’t for a long time.”

  “I know the feeling, and unless you’ve been lying to me all these years, the job was never about excitement.”

  Maria shook her head. “I never was a danger junkie. I always hated those guys when I was on the force. They’re the kind of cops who get other cops killed. My best days on the force were those when nothing happened.” She turned to James. “You adjusted pretty easily.”

  James swallowed his latest bite of halibut—still not as good as steak, no matter how many bites he took. “Just worked out that way. Retirement’s pretty cool. Simpler in some ways, more complicated in others. I kick a few asses a year just to remind people of who I am, but I focus on the barbeque.” He set his fork down. “I don’t know. Maybe I was always supposed to be focusing on the barbeque, and the bounty hunting was always a distraction. Mysterious ways, and all that.”

  Shay winked. “You just needed the love of a good woman and a daughter.”

  James shrugged. “Probably.”

  Shay grinned. “I also don’t know if it’s true we’re technically retired. We just switched jobs. Same thing with Tyler.”

  “It’s close enough,” Maria replied. “You switched to something less dangerous. Call it a midlife crisis. I’d like to go to work in the morning and not worry about getting blown up.”

  Tyler nodded quickly. “I’m pro the not-getting-blown-up plan. It’s like y
ou said—you don’t need the money. We don’t need the money. I know you like being a leader at the agency, but you’ve told me tons of times about how you’ve built a good team.”

  Maria sighed. “I know, I know. That’s not the thing holding me back.”

  “What is, then?” Shay asked.

  “I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t have some big passion like barbeque.”

  “You could work with me,” Tyler suggested.

  Maria chuckled. “I’m a big believer in ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder.’ We’ve both got too big of personalities to work together.”

  “Oh.” Tyler looked crestfallen.

  “Why do you have to do anything?” James asked.

  “Because I’m not the kind of woman who can just sit around all day doing nothing,” Maria replied. “I wasn’t lying when I said I’ve never been a danger junkie, but I want to feel like I’m accomplishing, something, anything, with my day. I don’t know. Shay’s got her academic career and a kid, and it’s making me think.”

  “You could get a pet,” Shay offered.

  A grin grew on Maria’s face. “Or twelve.”

  Tyler groaned. “Ugh. At least kids grow up into adults you can have a decent conversation with.”

  Maria shook her head. “Enough about me. I’ve got plenty of time to think. We should toast.” She raised her glass. “To the future Brownstone, the terror of his preschool.”

  Shay and Tyler laughed and raised their glasses.

  James grunted as he lifted his. Discomfiting thoughts crawled into the back of his mind. He wouldn’t call them doubts, or not true ones, anyway. Years of marriage with Shay had left him confident they could face any challenge.

  Will I be a good dad? Who knows? It’ll be hard to fuck up too much when I’ve got a good wife and friends around.

  But why do I feel this tight knot in my stomach like something’s gonna fuck up my happiness?

  James frowned down at his halibut. He wouldn’t be feeling this strongly if he had a decent brisket in front of him.