Buddha Da

by Donovan, Anne

  Ah stood up. Ah could feel ma legs shakin. Ah went tae the drawer and got oot ma fags, pit wan in ma mooth while ah wis talkin.

  ‘A while?’

  ‘Ah don’t know how long it’s gonnae be. Ah’m on a journey and ah don’t know where ah’m gaun.’

  Ah sooked in the smoke and blew it oot through ma nose; that aye seems tae gie mair effect.

  ‘Zat right?’

  Sarcasm is wasted on Jimmy these days.

  ‘Ah need mair clarity, tae see things in a different way. Mibbe then we might be able tae, you know …’

  ‘If ah have tae wait tae you get mair clarity afore we have it aff ah’ll be deid.’

  ‘Liz, don’t.’

  ‘Of course, that’ll be OK, ah mean yous Buddhists believe in reincarnation, don’t yous? Mibbe we could have sex in wer next lifetime.’

  Ah almost asked him tae leave efter that. Ah felt that humiliated, staundin there all dolled up in the gear, practically beggin him and him turnin me doon. But, you know, when you’ve been thegither for a long time, it’s such a huge thing tae split up. And every marriage has its ups and doons – ah kept thinkin it wis just a phase we were gaun through and he’d come tae his senses wanny these days.

  And there was that much happenin ah suppose it was too much hassle tae think aboot anythin but gettin through the week. We’d been dead busy at work, phone never seemed tae stop ringin. And they’d taken on this new lassie, Nikki; she was nice and quite willin and all that but ah needed tae train her up a bit, show her where everythin was and that took up some of ma time. Then Mammy was worse. She’s never really been right since the spring. The doctors don’t know exactly what’s wrang wi her but she’s no got the energy she used tae have and ah’m worried she’s no eatin properly. Ah’m round there nearly every night just for a wee while either afore or efter tea, and by the time ah’ve done that and tidied up a bit it’s hauf-eight and ah’m exhausted, just want tae curl up in fronty some rubbish on the TV and go tae ma bed.

  I’m feelin guilty aboot Anne Marie too. Ah know ah should spend mair time wi her; she’s growin up that quick the now. And Jimmy’s either workin or oot at that Centre hauf the time, he’s no payin her much attention. Ah need tae get started on the Christmas shoppin too – there’s only four weeks tae go and ah’m usually haufway through it by this time. But ah’m just that knackered ah cannae think straight.

  Tricia and me had arranged tae meet for lunch on her day aff. We usually go Christmas shoppin thegether, make a day of it, but ah didnae have time this year. Ah suppose ah could of taken a day’s holiday but ah couldnae really be bothered spendin the whole day trailin round the shops. They’re open that late nooadays ah can go in efter work or take Anne Marie in on a Saturday. But ah didnae want Tricia tae think ah was avoidin her efter thon cairry-on between Jimmy and John. The two of them made it up a couple a week efterwards – it’s a bit difficult no speakin when you’re workin thegether – but there’s always been a wee edge tae Tricia, ah think she took it harder than John did actually. Ah know it shouldnae make any difference between me and her but you cannae be too sure aboot these things.

  We met in a Greek place round the corner fae the office; Tricia arrived five minutes efter me, trachled wi parcels.

  ‘The town was murder, but that’s me finished.’

  ‘Ah’ve hardly started this year.’

  ‘Ah’ve a couple a wee stockin fillers tae get for the weans but that’s all the big stuff. Ah sent for a few things oot the catalogue as well.’

  ‘Ah think ah’ll take Anne Marie intae town on Saturday. If we go in early it shouldnae be too bad. Or mibbe we’ll go tae Braehead. Take the motor.’

  ‘We went there last Saturday and it was a nightmare. Couldnae get parked – ah’ve never known it like that afore. John had tae drap me off at Marks’s and park the car away ower the other side. You’d be better takin Jimmy wi you if you’re gaun or else you’ll have tae walk miles.’

  The waitress had appeared at the table. ‘Would you like to order drinks?’

  ‘Ah’ll have a mineral water, please.’

  ‘An Appletize for me.’

  ‘You ready tae order, Trish?’

  ‘Ah think so. Ah’ll have the soup and moussaka, please.’

  ‘Can ah have prawns tae start and moussaka as well. Thanks.’

  ‘It’s nice here, isn’t it?’

  ‘Aye. Busy, though. Glad we booked.’

  ‘John and me came for a meal here last Saturday. We should all come here wan night, the four of us.’

  ‘Aye, we should.’

  ‘Havenae seen as much of each other as we used tae.’

  ‘Naw, we’ve no been oot much at all.’

  ‘Well, we should book somethin durin the Christmas holidays.’

  ‘Aye, afore the work starts back.’

  ‘Ah’ll need tae make the maist of ma freedom while it lasts.’ She was smilin. ‘Liz, ah cannae keep it a secret any longer – ah’m expectin again.’

  ‘Tricia – congratulations!’

  Ah felt as if somebody’d punched me and knocked ma breath away. Ma face was smilin but inside there was this horrible sour feelin.

  ‘When’s the baby due?’

  ‘Seventh of June.’

  ‘This is a surprise. Didnae know you were plannin another wan. Or was this John’s fortieth birthday present?’ Tricia’s auldest is fourteen and her youngest’s ten. Ah always assumed she didnae want any mair.

  ‘Ah’ve always wanted another. Efter Drew wis born ah thought ah’d have a wee break, then ah started workin and … you know how it is, you kind of put it aff.’

  ‘Aye.’

  The wumman put the drinks on the table. Tricia took a sip of hers, then looked at me, speakin quietly, though there was naebody close by.

  ‘Actually we started tryin again a couple of year ago. When ah hit thirty-five ah thought ah’d better get on wi it, know, then nothin happened and nothin happened and tae be honest ah’d kind of given up, thought that was it.’

  Ah nodded. Tricia went on talkin, every noo and then stoppin tae take a sip of her drink.

  ‘Ah was a bit disappointed; ah mean, ah fell pregnant dead easy the other times. Then ah got talkin tae wanny the doctors at the practice, she’s expectin hersel, and she said she’d tried wanny these ovulation kits. Tells you the exact time you’re maist likely tae get pregnant – so ah bought wan, said tae John, get yer act thegether the night … and that was it.’

  ‘Ah can just imagine John’s face, you sayin get yer kit aff, son, the light’s at green!’

  ‘As long as there was nae footie on the box that night we were OK.’

  ‘So how many weeks is that noo?’

  ‘Thirteen. Ah’ve had a scan already and everythin’s fine so far.’

  Ah’d lost ma babies at eight and nine weeks. Ah wondered if Tricia remembered.

  ‘They offered me tests – there’s a bigger risk a Downs if you’re over thirty-five, but ah don’t want tae take them.’

  ‘Nae point if you’re no gonnae dae anythin aboot it, is there?’

  ‘Naw. Ah hope they’ll be able tae tell us the sex at the next scan though.’

  ‘D’you want tae know afore it’s born?’

  ‘Aye. Ah’m hopin for a wee lassie. Ah mean ah love ma boys but ah’ve always wanted a lassie. And if ah knew it was gonnae be a girl ah could really enjoy gettin stuff for her; ah actually bought this the day – look.’

  She pulled oot a poly bag and brung oot a wee frock; all pink and white frills, lacy white tights tae match.

  ‘Ah know it was daft but ah can always change it if it is a boy. It’s just ah’ve always wanted the chance tae dress up a wee lassie. There’s some lovely things for girls. And boys get that manky playin football and rollin around in the dirt, it’s no worth buyin them anythin nice anyway.’

  ‘Anne Marie plays football.’

  ‘Ah know.’

  ‘No all girls are like that – she’d of had a fit if ah�
��d tried tae put her in a frilly frock.’

  ‘Aye, but, you never really encouraged her tae be … feminine.’

  Ah couldnae believe ah was hearin this.

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Ah’m no criticisin you or anythin. Ah’m just sayin.’

  The waitress arrived at the table.

  ‘Soup?’

  ‘That’s me.’

  ‘Prawns?’

  ‘Thanks.’

  It was later, at ma desk, that it hit me just how mad ah was at Tricia. Anne Marie no bein feminine. Just as well ah was too polite tae say anythin aboot how she brung up her boys – Shaun and Gerry are cheeky wee brats. Boys will be boys, she says. When wee Drew, the youngest, was two, he took a fancy tae wanny Anne Marie’s dolls and took it hame wi him – Tricia took it aff him. Boys don’t have dolls. And the wee soul grat his eyes oot, asked Santa for wan at Christmas and she bought him a Celtic strip.

  Ah looked oot the windae. Another grey day, a drizzle of fine rain that seeped through yer bones. Who was ah kiddin? What difference was it tae me how Tricia brung up her weans? It was the thought of the new wan growin inside her that was gettin tae me. And the thought that, the way things were between me and Jimmy, what chance was there for me tae have another wean?

  Friday, 17th December. The big night. She’s a lovely wee singer, Anne Marie, always has been, and she was over the moon aboot this concert. Rehearsin every day at lunchtime, practisin her bit in the bathroom, the bedroom: ah wis gettin fed up listenin tae the flamin songs if truth be told. She’d gone aff tae the school early tae meet her pals and ah wis waitin on Jimmy gettin back so’s we could go thegether. Mammy had been desperate tae go but she just wasnae up tae it.

  Anne Marie and me had wer tea early but ah’d left him some veggie lasagne that could just go in the microwave while he wis in the shower. Ah’d laid oot his clothes on the bed for him as well. If you want Jimmy tae get anywhere on time you have tae think it all oot in advance.

  He strolled in at quarter past six and dumped his bag in the hall.

  ‘Jump in the shower the now, Jimmy. Your tea’s ready and your clothes are on the bed. You’d better get a move on.’

  ‘There’s nae rush hen, plenty time.’ He bent doon and started unlacin his work boots, big black yins, splattered wi paint.

  ‘Look, Jimmy, it starts at hauf-seven and ah don’t want tae be late.’

  ‘You just go on, hen, it’s OK, ah’ll get sorted masel. Ah don’t need tae be there tae eight o’clock.’

  ‘Whit the hell are you talkin aboot? It’s hauf-seven the concert starts.’

  He straightened up.

  ‘Ah’m no gaun tae the concert.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘The night’s the talk by Lama Thonden, know the high heid yin? He’s ower fae America the now.’

  ‘Jimmy, ah don’t believe ah’m hearin this.’

  ‘But ah tellt you aboot it ages ago. He’s like, the maist important lama that’s ever been tae the Centre, he founded this big retreat place in California when he’d tae flee fae Tibet, he’s like the Dalai Lama’s best pal.’

  Ah stood there, the lasagne dish in ma haund. It wis all ah could dae no tae chuck it at him.

  ‘Hen, he’s an enlightened bein.’

  Somethin inside me shrivelled and ah felt very quiet and very cold.

  ‘And Anne Marie’s your daughter.’

  He came ower tae me, startit tae try tae pit his airms roond me.

  ‘Don’t …’

  ‘Hen …’

  ‘Touch me.’

  Ah took a step backwards.

  ‘And don’t call me hen!’

  Ah couldnae remember ever bein so flamin mad. Ah sat in the front row, payin nae attention tae anyone. The first hauf was the orchestra and all around me parents were smilin and nudgin wan another when their wean got up tae play a solo, but ah sat stony-faced all through it. At the tea break ah stayed in ma seat. Didnae want tae go through tae get a cuppa tea in case ah met anybody ah knew – didnae know what tae say.

  Thon man. Ah couldnae get over just how selfish and self-centred he was. Him and his bloody Buddhism. Sittin there night efter night gazin at his navel and no seein anythin that was gaun on round aboot him. Him and his clarity. Clarity! If he’d open his eyes he might have some clarity. Rips up his brother’s tape of his fortieth birthday party just cos he doesnae want there tae be a record of him lookin like an eejit. Decides tae be a vegetarian. Who is it has tae look up recipe books and make two different dinners every night? Then he decides he’s gonnae be celibate so ah have tae be as well. But ah could of put up wi all that because of Anne Marie. Because the bottom line is, he’s her daddy and she adores him. And he’s always been a good daddy. But how am ah gonnae explain tae her that her daddy’s no come tae her concert cause he’s too busy seein a flamin lama.

  Efter the tea break they all filed in again. The second hauf was Joseph and the Amazin Technicolour Dreamcoat. Up went the curtain and in ran a dozen kids all wearin black troosers and different coloured tee shirts, supposed tae be all the colours of Joseph’s coat. Anne Marie was nearest the left of the stage, wearin a red wan, and her pal, Nisha was next tae her in yella. The music teacher, a young wumman wi red hair, sat at the piano and when she nodded her heid they began the first song. Ah must of heard it a million times in the hoose but it sounded that fresh and alive when the youngsters all sang thegether. When it got tae the bit where they list all the colours, each wean had tae step forward in turn. Anne Marie was first, steppin right on time when they sang ‘red’.

  It was a fantastic show. They didnae have that much in the way of scenery and no every wean was brilliant of course – in fact the boy that played Joseph didnae have that great a voice, but they really put everythin intae it. Aboot haufway through the show came Anne Marie’s solo bit, ‘Any Dream Will Do’. It’s really meant tae be Joseph’s solo, but every time he sings a line, there’s a wee kind of echo, repeatin his words and then daein ‘ah-ah-ah’ in harmony, and that was Anne Marie’s part. The boy was in the centre while she stood ower tae the side, in a pink spotlight. And ah know she’s ma daughter and ah’m biased but it was wonderful. No just her voice; there’s a difference between bein able tae sing in the bath and staundin up in fronty folk tae dae a solo. She was that confident, givin it her hert and soul. Beautiful. Pure. As ah watched her ah felt ma eyes start tae prick wi tears. Her daddy should be here. She was his double; the way she looked, the way she stood there, minded me of when he used tae sing in the band when we were young. No they kind of songs of course, but the way he used tae gie it everythin he’d got, nae matter if there was five folk there or a hallful. Her daddy’s girl. Natural, ah suppose, but ah wisht we’d had a boy too, mibbe he’d of been like me.

  And at the back of ma mind ah kept thinkin what ah was gonnae say tae her. At first ah’d been that mad ah was gonnae tell her her daddy didnae care enough tae come and see her, but when it came tae the bit, ah knew ah couldnae. When the show was over and they all came fae behind the stage, laughin and excited, ah wanted tae hug her but ah thought she’d get embarrassed in fronty her pals.

  ‘That was brilliant, hen, absolutely brilliant.’

  ‘Was ah OK?’

  ‘You were fantastic.’

  The music teacher was beside us. ‘Are you Anne Marie’s mum?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘She’s so talented. And she’s worked so hard on her part.’

  ‘Aye, she’s been practisin in the house.’

  ‘She’s a real star.’

  She turned tae speak tae someone else and Anne Marie said, ‘Where’s ma daddy?’

  ‘He’d tae go aff early, hen – he’d tae go tae a meetin and nipped oot just afore the end. Said tae tell you it was brilliant and he’d see you later.’

  * * *

  Actually it was efter twelve when he got hame. Ah’d almost given up on him and was aboot tae go tae ma bed when ah heard his key in the door. When he came intae the livin room, his
face was aw lit up.

  ‘That was amazin, that was incredible. Ah wish yous’d been there.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘The lama … he done a ceremony and special prayers and … look.’

  He held oot his haund. In his palm there was a piece of white ribbon tied in a knot and inside the knot was somethin else ah couldnae make oot.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Well, he blessed it and you’ve tae keep it in a sacred place, then every day take it oot and say these prayers, special wans, it’s two hunner times a day, ah think – ah’ve got it wrote doon. And it’s the way tae enlightenment.’

  ‘And this, this tied in the ribbon, what is it?’

  ‘It’s a pea. He said if …’

  ‘Haud on a minute, did you just say a pea?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘An ordinary pea?’

  ‘Well, it’s no ordinary, it’s been blessed by …’

  ‘Jimmy, have you completely flipped? You don’t have time tae see your daughter appearin in the school concert – miss wanny the maist important days in her life …’

  ‘Liz, it’s …’

  ‘… tae go and see this wonderful lama who’s an enlightened being and is gonnae unlock all the secrets of the universe tae yous special people who sit on yer arses every night wi yer eyes closed while we unenlightened beins dae unimportant things like dae a washin or make a dinner or iron yer claes …’

  ‘Liz …’

  ‘Naw, Jimmy, hear me oot. Anyway, you come hame fae this wonderful session and you show me the secret of enlightenment. There it is in yer haund – a pea. A fuckin pea, for God’s sake.’

  ‘It’s no that, it’s symbolic, it’s tae remind you …’

  ‘Tae remind you of what, Jimmy? Yer duty tae yer faimly? The fact that the resty us have got lives as well as you. Know whit it reminds me of, Jimmy … your brain!’

  ‘Ah don’t know whit tae say.’

  ‘There’s nothin you could say that ah want tae hear.’

  That night Jimmy slept in the spare room for the first time. Though if he was anythin like me he didnae sleep much. All night ah kept wakin, just on the edge of a dream that ah couldnae quite remember. There was crowds round me, everyone was taller than me, and ah felt as if ah was gonnae get crushed. Then ah’d lie awake for a while and doze aff again, and it would be the same dream, the same feelin of bein suffocated by all these bodies. Next mornin ah got up early but he was already in the kitchen, sittin havin a cuppa tea. He looked up at me, waitin for me tae start, ah suppose, but ah didnae feel angry any mair, just drained, weary tae ma bones.