Buddha Da

by Donovan, Anne

  There was a section at the front wi information and Xizang was in it, under China. Mrs MacBride had gied us a list of things we’d tae find oot and ah copied doon that it had an area of 1,228,400 sq km and a population of 2,280,000. Capital: Lhasa. Status: Autonomous Region. Cannae be that autonomous if they’re no allowed tae practise their religion.

  ‘Nisha,’ ah whispered. ‘They’ve only got the Chinese flag here – you’d think they’d have wan of their ain.’

  ‘Or a language.’

  ‘Tibetan.’

  ‘No according tae this. Still,’ she said, turnin back tae her Maths book. ‘Bet you Scotland’s no in it either.’

  And it wasnae. No as a country anyway, just part of the UK. (Capital: London. Status: Monarchy.) And nae flag either. Or languages of wer ain.

  There were all different kinds of maps in the atlas; population density, climate, physical. The wan ah liked best was the wan that showed the shapes of the mountains and the forests, all swirly patterns of brown and green. Ah’d always thought Scotland was a mountainous country but on the map we were nearly all green, and so was India, just under Tibet. The auld guy had packed his stuff and went by noo so ah nudged Nisha’s airm.

  ‘Nisha, d’yous still have relatives in India?’

  ‘Cousins, aunties and uncles. Havenae seen any of them for a few years though.’

  ‘Whereaboots in India?’

  ‘About here … in the Punjab.’ She pointed tae a spot in the northwest of India near the border wi Pakistan. ‘That must be an awful wee scale – India’s massive compared tae Scotland.’

  ‘Mrs MacBride tellt us that most maps don’t show the countries the size they really are – they make Europe bigger and Africa and India smaller.’

  ‘Now there’s a surprise.’

  Nisha’s calculator was lyin on the table. Ah looked back at the information on the countries, and done a few sums. For a minute ah thought ah must of got it wrang so ah repeated it, but got the same answer. Tibet was nearly sixteen times as big as Scotland but there was less than half as many people lived there. Ah thought aboot they big mountain ranges covered in snow and the lamas’ chants echoin through them.

  Jimmy

  WHEN AH OPENED the door Liz was staundin at the mirror, sortin her hair, spikin it up wi gel. She’d on a short red skirt and a denim jaicket. And ah couldnae speak for a minute – she looked pure gorgeous.

  She turned round. ‘Oh, hi.’

  ‘Hiya.’ Ah couldnae look her in the eye – she must of known how ah was feelin. Ah wisht ah could just switch it aff, this feelin – no forever, just for the time bein, tae ah get things sorted in ma heid. But it doesnae work like that. At first when ah decided tae be celibate it didnae bother me – ah felt ah was controllin it, keepin ma mind on other things, but as time’s went on it keeps comin back. And the past few weeks Liz has been gaun oot mair, all dressed up, and it just seems dead strange, gettin harder and harder. Literally.

  Liz opened the door of the livin room. ‘See you later, Anne Marie.’

  ‘Right, Ma.’

  ‘Ah’ll no be too late, Jimmy.’

  ‘Nae bother.’

  Anne Marie was laid oot on the couch, remote in wan haund.

  ‘Hi, hen. Heard yous were up at the Centre this week.’

  ‘Aye, Da. The RE teacher took us.’

  She got aff the couch and started tae rummle through a pile of tapes.

  ‘Seen yer mural, Da.’

  ‘Oh, aye.’

  ‘Thought it was brilliant.’

  ‘It’s no finished yet.’

  ‘Ah know – but it’s cool, it really is.’ She pulled oot a tape fae its case. ‘Didnae know you were an artist, Da.’

  ‘Just copyin. But it brightens the place up. In Tibet they’d have dead bright-coloured patterns and all that on the walls.’

  Anne Marie sat back doon beside me. ‘Couldnae get any good films this week, Da. Thought we could watch this instead – it’s aboot Madonna.’

  ‘Jeezo, you’ve got Madonna on the brain. Oh well, stick it in. Only thing, you’ll need tae let me put on a punk rock wan efterwards.’

  She made a face. ‘Awright, Da. Don’t tell me yous had videos in they days?’

  Ah’d never watched the programme afore but it was actually dead interestin, aboot how she’d got started and aw the different stages she’d went through. The music wasnae really ma cuppa tea – but Anne Marie was glued tae it, hingin on her every word, every move. Ah thought it was dead weird the way she’d latched ontae her – you’d think she’d of been intae wanny they boy bands at her age. And even though she looks amazin, Madonna’s even aulder than me.

  ‘When ah was your age ah only liked dead new stuff. Anythin that was a few year auld was like oot the ark. Anythin a few weeks auld, even.’

  ‘Aye, but Madonna’s different. She keeps changin hersel, her image, her music – everythin she does is new. And she’s dead young for her age. She’s havin another baby as well.’

  ‘Is she?’

  ‘Da, it’s been in all the papers and the news and everythin – you’d think you’d been livin in Tibet.’

  ‘Suppose ah might as well be – there’s nae TV or anythin in the Centre and ah cannae be bothered wi the papers these days.’

  ‘You need tae get oot mair, Da.’

  ‘Listen tae you. That reminds me – ah was gonnae ask you if you’re daein anythin the morra. Ah’m gaun through tae Edinburgh and ah wondered if you wanted tae come. Mind we used tae go and see the castle?’

  ‘Ah’m seein Nisha.’

  ‘She could come as well. Ah’ve tae go round tae Barbara’s but ah’ll only be ten minutes there and we’d have the rest of the day tae go somewhere.’

  ‘Barbara?’

  ‘Aye, mind ah painted her hoose last year?’

  ‘Ah mind.’

  ‘She phoned me and asked me tae go round and dae the back room – ah’m gonnae check oot whit she wants and get a key affy her.’

  ‘Why’s she givin you a key?’

  ‘So ah can get intae the hoose. She’s gaun away on holiday and she wanted me tae paint the room when she’s away.’

  ‘Oh.’ Anne Marie took the tape oot the machine and replaced it in its case.

  Then she looked at me. ‘Da, is there sumpn gaun on wi you and this Barbara?’

  ‘Sumpn gaun on – Anne Marie, are you kiddin?’

  ‘Naw, Da, ah’m just askin you.’

  ‘Of course there isnae anythin gaun on – ah’m just daein a job for her.’

  Ah felt as if somebdy’d punched me. There was ma wee lassie sittin there, casually askin me if ah was havin an affair. Surely tae God Liz hadnae said anythin. She’d never dae that – and she knew it wasnae true. But mibbe Anne Marie had heard somebody else talkin aboot it – Tricia? That Nikki?

  Ah got aff the couch, sat doon on the flair next tae Anne Marie and pit ma airm round her. ‘Anne Marie, ah swear tae God there is nothin gaun on between me and Barbara or anybody else. When yer mammy and me split up there was naebody else – we tellt you that.’

  ‘Ah know, Da.’

  ‘Anyway, ah’d hardly be takin you and Nisha through tae Edinburgh for the day if ah was havin an affair.’

  ‘But Charlene said …’

  ‘Charlene? You’ve no been talkin tae her aboot this?’

  ‘Naw, Da. But last year when her da wanted her tae meet his new girlfriend, he tellt Charlene and her wee brother that she was just a friend and she came tae the park wi them and bought ice creams and then went away hame dead casual; then they found oot he’d been livin wi her for months.’

  Ah didnae know whit tae say. Felt as if there was a big lump in ma throat. Wanted tae greet. No just for me and Anne Marie either. It was Charlene and her brother and their da and this wumman, sittin in the park, eatin ice cream. It just seemed pathetic somehow.

  It was wanny they days you get in Edinburgh but hardly ever in Glesga; bright blue sky wi white puffy clouds and a sharp breeze bl
awin. Ah love days like that – it makes you feel alive. Ah felt that happy drivin through, the two lassies sittin up beside me in the van; didnae even mind the racket fae the tapes they played on the way through, some kindy dance stuff that was the same beat over and over and over again. When it finished, ah said, ‘Ah take back everythin ah’ve ever said aboot Madonna. Do yous really like that stuff?’

  ‘Research, Mr McKenna.’

  ‘Research?’

  ‘For the CD, Da. Nisha gets this stuff affy Gurpreet – we’re listenin tae everythin the noo, just in case we get mair ideas.’

  ‘Yous might as well listen tae the washin machine as that.’

  Nisha laughed. ‘Great idea, Mr McKenna – we could sample the spin cycle.’

  ‘How’s the CD comin alang then? Yous nearly finished?’

  ‘We’ve got the basic stuff laid down, but we’ve still a good way to go.’

  ‘Aye, Nisha keeps changin her mind.’

  ‘Who keeps changin their mind?’

  They started gigglin, as if it was some private joke.

  ‘Cannae wait tae hear it. Right, this is Barbara’s street here – it’ll be a miracle if we get a parkin place but – ah’ll mibbe just double park and jump up for a minute – yous comin?’

  ‘Naw, Da, we’ll wait in the van.’

  Ah could feel ma face burnin as ah rung the doorbell. Even though ah knew there was nothin between me and Barbara, efter whit Anne Marie had said, ah felt as if she was lookin at me different.

  ‘Hello, Jimmy.’ Barbara put her airms round me and kissed ma cheek. Thank God the lassies never came up efter all.

  ‘Hiya. Ah’ll need tae make this quick, Barbara – ah’ve got Anne Marie and her pal waitin in the van.’

  ‘You should have brought them up – I’d love to meet them.’

  ‘Double parked.’

  ‘Another time. Right, this is the spare key – the brass one’s for the storm door and the inner lock is this one plus the Yale. I’m off tomorrow for two weeks. Do you want to see the room again?’

  ‘Might as well. So’s ah know the size.’

  It was a square-shaped room at the back of the flat, a lot smaller than the other rooms and it was empty.

  ‘I’ve moved everything out so you can get on. Can you take down the curtains?’

  ‘Aye, nae bother. What colour were you wantin?’

  ‘Just white – maybe an off white but not too creamy. Something clean and light. No distractions while I’m working.’

  ‘OK. That’s easy. Look, ah better get aff.’

  ‘I’ll come down with you – say hello to the girls.’

  ‘Hello, you must be Anne Marie – I’ve heard so much about you.’

  ‘Hiya.’

  ‘And you’re …’

  ‘This is Nisha.’

  ‘Hi, Nisha. Where are you off to today?’

  Ah looked at the girls. ‘Dunno, really. We could mibbe go tae the castle. Or just wander aboot.’

  ‘What about going up Arthur’s Seat? It’s a perfect day for it.’

  ‘Never been up there.’

  ‘You shouldn’t miss it. Wonderful view.’

  ‘Right, thanks. OK. Have a nice trip.’

  ‘I will. Nice to meet you, girls.’

  Lyin on ma back wi the sun on ma face, eyes shut, listenin tae the girls laughin and bletherin away, ah felt happy. Just happy. Ah’d no felt this happy for a lang time. Just lyin in the sun. Then all of a sudden there was a feelin in the pit of ma stomach like when you’re at the shows and you feel the big wheel fallin under you in a rush, like ma insides had been sooked oot of me. Ah opened ma eyes and it was all still there, the sun, the view ower Edinburgh and the hills, Anne Marie and Nisha a coupla foot away, sittin on the grass.

  The feelin softened tae a flitter and ah breathed steady and deliberate, tryin tae get through it. Ah looked up at the big sky, clouds close enough tae touch. When Anne Marie was aboot six ah’d painted the ceilin of her room blue wi a pattern of white clouds across it.

  ‘Haw, Da, you asleep?’

  ‘Naw, just daydreamin. Hey, race yous doon the hill?’

  ‘Nae chance, Da, Nisha’s a brilliant runner – 400 metres champion.’

  ‘Is that right, Nisha?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘You’re some kid – singin and runnin.’

  ‘And cartwheels – check this,’ said Anne Marie. She turned wan hersel – pretty good, just a wee falter when she landed – then stood aside tae let Nisha go. Nisha flew round dead fast, in a perfect wheel, then another and another, silhouetted against the blue and white sky. Ah clapped.

  ‘Ah’m shattered just watchin yous. Time for ice cream.’

  That night, lyin in ma sleepin bag, watchin the light fae the cars spill oot under the curtains and move alang the skirtin board, that was whit kept comin back tae me. Two lassies, turnin cartwheels. And a blue and white sky.

  Liz

  THE HEAT WOULD of melted you. Sticky, clammy, clingin. And everywhere ah walked seemed tae be up the way. Funny how ah never noticed all these hills afore; no that they’re hills really, it’s just me; ah feel like a big heavy cow.

  Up the steps at Buchanan Street; of course the escalator’s no workin and they’re all pushin the other way. Pushin, rushin past me, and ah want tae cry oot, ‘Watch out, don’t dae that. Don’t hurt me – can yous no see ah’m pregnant?’ But of course they cannae see. Naebody can, there’s nothin tae show for it noo. So why dae ah feel so heavy? Even ma footsteps are heavier, ah’ve slowed doon. And there’s a risin feelin in ma throat; it’s no sickness, ah’ve never been sick, wasnae sick wi Anne Marie either, just as if there’s somethin in ma mouth, somethin ah cannae swallow.

  Ah went tae the doctor’s on Monday. Dr Harrison. The wan that came when ma mammy died.

  ‘So when was your last period?’

  ‘10th April.’

  ‘You’ve done a pregnancy test already?’

  ‘Aye, last week.’

  ‘And it was definitely positive.’

  ‘Uh-huh.’

  She started to press the keys on her computer.

  ‘Right then, I’ll book you in for a dating scan at the hospital and we can take it from there. Your care will be shared between the hospital and GP so you’ll see me for alternate appointments.’

  ‘You’re no gonnae dae another test then?’

  ‘No need. The ones you get in the chemist are very accurate now. And you’ll be getting a scan soon. You’ve children already, haven’t you, Liz?’

  ‘A daughter. She’ll be thirteen in August.’

  She looked back through the folder on her desk. Ma medical history. ‘I see you’ve had two miscarriages as well.’

  ‘Aye, six year ago we tried for another baby. Efter the second miscarriage we kind of …’ Ah stopped.

  ‘Did they investigate the causes at all?’

  ‘Naw, just said it was wanny they things. Leave it a few month and try again.’

  ‘And you never had any problems with your first child?’

  ‘A wee bit spottin, but nothin serious.’

  ‘Well, it probably was just unfortunate that you had the other two miscarriages, but I’m going to book you in for an earlier scan, OK?’ She started pressin the keyboard again. ‘This Wednesday at 11 a.m. At the Queen Mother’s.’

  ‘Thanks. Can you make appointments through the computer then?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s great when it works. I’ll just take your blood pressure before you go.’ She started tae wrap the black cloth round ma airm and pump it up. ‘Will your husband be able to go with you to the scan on Wednesday?’

  ‘Ah don’t know.’ Ah must of looked a bit surprised for she smiled and said, ‘You haven’t told him yet, have you? This’ll be a surprise for him, won’t it?’

  ‘Aye, you’re right.’

  There’s loads of folk sittin on the steps outside the Buchanan Galleries but there’s no a breath of air. Cannae unnerstaund what they’re all daein her
e. Ah know the sales are on but you’d think on a night like this they’d have somethin better tae dae than go shoppin. Ah wouldnae be here masel if ah didnae have tae get this baby present for Tricia. She had the wean yesterday, two weeks early. Wee lassie. Seven pounds, seven ounces. Roisin.

  Wanst ah’d fought ma way through the crowds John Lewis was quite empty and the air conditionin cooled me doon a bit. Sittin in the café wi a cup of tea and a scone ah took oot the two parcels. Wan for baby Roisin, a wee frock as pink and frilly as ah could find. Ah thought it was hideous but Tricia would love it.

  And the other. Two wee simmets, bodysuits they call them. Wan cream-coloured wi a bunny rabbit in the middle, the other patterned wi rockin horses and buildin blocks. Neutral colour, boy or girl. Boy or girl? At the scan yesterday it was a wee blurred shape on the screen but even then, even at just six weeks the shape is there, curled up like a fist. The pulse of light is the heartbeat. Like a star blinkin in some faraway galaxy.

  Six weeks. And they count the weeks fae the date of your last period so it’s no really six, just four. 15th January is the due date. A winter baby. Ah’ll get wanny they quilted suits, they’re that warm and cosy. The stuff for babies is beautiful now, they never had that many bright colours when Anne Marie was wee. And they make these prams that come apart so you can put the car seat on tae a frame and just wheel it away, easy.

  Ah looked round the tearoom. It’s huge and there’s never many folk in here; too dear probably. The walls are deep yellow and they’ve paintins all round, bright splashes of colour. Ah’ve finished ma scone and ah’m still starvin. This is it startin. This is what it was like the last time – funny how you don’t forget. Either feelin full and hot and sick or else starvin. The pangs are stabbin at me, no just hungry, like ah could manage tae get hame and eat somethin, but sharp; ah need tae eat right noo. Ah heided back tae the counter for somethin else.

  Ah must of sat in the café for ages withoot realisin, for when ah got hame it was hauf-six. Anne Marie was on the phone and barely looked up as ah came in the door. Ah went intae the kitchen and started tae dry the dishes she’d left, emptied the washin machine. A coupla a minutes later she came intae the kitchen.