Thin Ice
By Niki Settimo
Copyright © 2015 by Nicole Settimo
Book design by Nicole Settimo
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
For Anyone That Refuses To Ask For Help.
Things Get Better, I Promise.
Table of Contents
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
CHAPTER 28
CHAPTER 29
CHAPTER 30
CHAPTER 31
Epilogue
Thin Ice Playlist
Acknowledgements
About the Author
CHAPTER 1
Elli
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breath in.
Breathe out.
Just give it a few minutes.
As I repeat my daily ritual while sitting in my car, I have my music on, and I watch as the gym classes begin. Well, here goes another day. It’s a good thing none of my art classes are in the morning, and I have high averages in all the classes I find myself missing just about every day. At least I didn’t throw up this time, so there’s a positive. Positive number two? That I’m a senior and I can sign myself out of school with a quick call to my mother, just to sit in my car until this attack passes.
I don’t know why I even bother going to school in the morning. My guidance counselor advised against filling my schedule and not leaving myself a lunch period, but she doesn’t need to know why I didn’t heed her advice. Since she knows how involved in the art department I am, she allowed me to take extra art classes on top of my AP classes and being in charge of the Yearbook. The only reason I came to school today is because I need to take pictures of the boys lacrosse team after the final bell rings. Hopefully I can get someone else to take them, but I know that I’d rather just get it done myself. Suck it up and just do it.
“Hey Ellii!”
Looking up and realizing I’m still not completely back to normal, I see Madison coming towards my car. Rolling down my window and acting like I was just getting off the phone, I shout over.
“Hey Madison!”
Oh no, stomach, please just give me a normal second until she goes back inside. But just my luck, she closes the distance between us and starts a conversation.
"What are you doing?”
“Came late. Wanted to wait for next period to start.”
“Oh okay! Well we’re going out to grab some bagels and coffee. Our first period was canceled. Want to come?”
I look over to see Nicole, Dina and Jackie getting into her car, waving me over.
“Oh no I’m okay. I just ate!”
“Okay! See you in Italian.”
“Ciao!”
Crisis averted. Thanks stomach.
As I reach over the seat to grab my things, quickly looking around, I relieve myself from some of the pressure, coming from the three bras I’m wearing, by sticking a finger in-between my skin and my straps. I blame my mom’s side for my obnoxious chest. I’m a G, but with these bras, I could easily pass for a double D. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.
As I see the gym classes start to head in, I grab my stuff and head in behind them. I go straight to my locker and put away my things so I can head to the art studio.
“Hey Elli!”
I turn around and see Jen heading my way with Sam. It’s safe to say I can get along with pretty much anyone, and with all the things I involve myself with, I pretty much do. However, it’s not always a good thing when I’m trying to stay under the radar.
“Hey guys! Sam your brother is on the lacrosse team right? Can you take their pictures after school for yearbook?”
“Oh I have theater today! I would have though!”
“It’s totally cool! Just figured I’d ask!”
Well, I tried.
As the pair run off to catch their next class, I finish putting away my books and make my way to lose myself in my sketchbook for the next few hours.
Three periods later I’m walking towards Italian, but something isn’t right. My stomach starts getting that sinking feeling and my heart starts pounding a little harder. I practically sprint to the bathroom and lock myself in a stall. Breathe. Breathe. In, out. Come on Elli. You’ve got two classes left. Breathe. After two minutes of no change, I know Signora is going to have my head if I’m late. Well, I know how to make the stomach pain go away. Lifting the toilet seat and grabbing my toothbrush stuffed in the bottom of my bag, I take care of my nerves, as my heart speeds up a little bit faster. But that’s temporary. Since there isn’t really anything in my stomach to empty, I make quick work of it, clean myself up in a rush, and try to beat the bell to Italian. I walk in just in time, getting a disgusted look from Signora.
“Sorry Signora. Dropped my books.”
I take my seat next to Madison and open my book. Since I need to keep my mind off of what I just did, I start doodling. When my doodles start catching the attention of everyone sitting near me, I look up and see an angry Signora. But when is she not angry?
“Mi dispiace Signora”
I mean, if I was failing this class, it would be a different story. But I have an A for crying out loud! Just leave me be. But I suck it up, close my book and try not to close my eyes. Just a few more minutes. I look at the clock and start counting down, until finally, the bell rings and I’m out of there, on my way to Yearbook.
Walking into the room, I grab my camera and get ready to take pictures of the lacrosse team after school. When I’m all set up, I head over to my computer and make the templates for the pages that are due by Monday. About 10 minutes into my third template, Madison comes into the room and sits next to me.
“Hey! Mind if I hang? I have a sub and the class is a tad out of control. I told him I was going to the library.”
“Totally fine!”
“Awesome! Half the baseball team is in there and you know how that is.”
“Oh my gosh yea don’t go back there. Maybe we should rescue the sub.”
“I warned him before I left.”
“Karma will be good to you then.”
“So what pages are you working on? Need any help?”
“Nahh I’m good. I’m sending these all out Monday.”
“Yea that’s the deadline for my article. I should get started on that so I don’t have to do it this weekend. Hey, you going to Danielle’s party?”
“Can’t. I have work. Plus you know I don’t drink, so I really won’t be any fun.”
I’m very open with the fact I don’t drink. I fight for control of my mind every day. It’s not like I need something that’s going to make it completely impossible to accomplish.
; Madison heads over to the other computer to do her article and we keep up light conversation until the bell rings and I have to go take these pictures, unfortunately.
I grab my camera and walk outside. Mr. Hanan, the lacrosse coach and my gym teacher is standing there waiting for all the guys to come out of the locker room.
“Hey Mr. Hanan! Looks like I’ll be taking the pictures today.”
“Alright Elli, let’s make it fast, cause I need these guys doing laps.”
“The faster the better,” I mumble.
“Alright boys! Picture time. Whoever doesn’t cooperate does extra laps!”
As the guys start getting together, they start bantering as high school boys do.
“Everyone got their make-up on?”
“Rick! Get your fat ass out of the picture!”
“Shut Up Ty! No one wants to see your ugly face!”
“Shove it Joe!”
“This is so gay! I’m not even getting a yearbook.”
Deciding I’ve heard enough, I yell “Alright just one picture and you can all get back to practice.”
Still bantering, they somehow all get together for this picture and I take a few different shots before I put the camera down and say thanks.
“Wait I want a picture with you!”
“Yea me too!”
“Get in here!”
“Joe take the camera and take our picture.”
Well, this wasn’t planned.
“No I only take them. Bye guys.”
“No get in here!”
I then feel a gloved hand on my shoulder pushing me towards the group of self righteous, immature jocks, and the camera quickly being taken out of my hand. It all happens in the blink of an eye, and before I know it, My heart is pounding and I feel sick. I jump out of the group, grab my camera and head towards my car, ignoring whatever they’re saying behind me. Well, I was going to go back inside and work to prolong going home, but that’s off the table. Grin and bear it.
I get in my car and before my heart regains control, I take off, just to get away from this place. I start off to my house but before I’m completely out of the parking lot, I look back in my rear view mirror and see the lacrosse team watching the girls track team. Of course they’re in short shorts and sports bras. Before I make myself sicker than I am, I look straight ahead and head for home, where I still won’t be able to escape the fact that I’m not a size double zero.
Opening the door, I see my mom and sister in the kitchen. I’m starving but I know if I have something now, I’ll either binge or be told we’re having dinner soon. Then out of nowhere, right on time, my dog is running down the stairs to greet me, taking me from my thoughts. My Siberian husky. Pretty much the only one that can calm my anxiety with just being near me.
"Hey, how was school?”
“Fine.”
“I'm making dinner, but I know you don’t like pasta. There’s leftover chicken from last night you can heat up."
"It's okay. I grabbed something before I came home. I’m not hungry."
Making my way up to my room, my pup on my tail, I grab my laptop off my desk and jump onto my bed. Feeling safe within these four walls.
After a good 20 minutes web surfing and listening to A Day to Remember's new album, I hear my dad pull up. I quickly close my laptop, make my bed and try to find something productive to do.
Just then, my door opens.
"Hey kid. How was school?"
“Fine.”
“What are you doing?”
"Homework."
"I don’t want you just sitting around all day. You have to do something productive. Get your heart pumping. Did you work out today?"
The same question. Everyday. "I'm going to the gym as soon as I'm done." I say.
"Make sure you hit the squat machine. And make sure you run. Not just bike for an hour."
"Yes, I know. Can I finish my homework first?"
"Just don’t go out too late. Your mother made spaghetti, but there's chicken left over. Don't eat before you go to the gym."
Finally he leaves my room and I quickly compose myself and throw sweats on. I know he means well, and I know he’s only doing it because of how unhappy I am with my looks, but it’s still hard to hear from someone else that my thoughts about my body aren’t just my own. I feel like I let him down by getting to this stage. Like I’m the one who let myself go and no matter how hard I try, I can’t fix it.
As I leave the comfort of my four walls, I pass the hallway mirror. I don't see my brown curly hair that's slowly starting to thin out or my big brown eyes that are always threatening to allow tears to fall. All I see are the marks my three bras are making on my skin, my size 14 pants, and my ‘barely there except when you look from the right angle’ double chin.
CHAPTER 2
Elli
“Number 29, penalty for cross checking.”
Adding it to the scoreboard, I look over at my brother in the penalty box. Welcome to my weekends. Currently 6 a.m., freezing, and losing by one with three minutes left. My shift at Bed Bath and Beyond starts in a few hours, but for now, I’m going to enjoy watching my brother do something he loves. I look over on the bench and see my dad switching up the lines and making the necessary changes to compensate for our penalty. Thankfully, the defense is awake and before you know it, my brother Dom is out of the box and rushing for the puck. Shane passes it up the middle, a perfect pass, and Dom takes off. Using the wrist shot he’s been practicing in the driveway (that will eventually lead to my dad having to reside the garage) he sends the puck through the goalie's legs and to the back of the net with ten seconds left.
The parents in the stands are all on their feet.
“Yea Dom!!! That was awesome!”
“I want your autograph!”
“Go Dom! Great pass Shane!”
I know they’re only thirteen years old, but to me, watching them play is more exciting than watching the pros. Their faces, their excitement, and their positive thoughts for the future are refreshing. I’d take hanging out with these kids over people my own age any day. Which I do.
When I got home from the gym last night, my dad said it was too late to eat and it’s better to go to bed hungry. I don't remember the last time I ate, but nobody notices so it's okay. Maybe I'll have something before I go to my other job so I don't get dizzy and mess anything up.
After Dom gets dressed and visits me in the score box so I can congratulate him, my family leaves the rink while I work the next few games. Deciding I should eat before I head over to work a cash register for eight hours, I run home and grab a granola bar. Before I know it, the whole box is gone and there are eight wrappers in front of me that I'll have to hide in the garbage. It's okay though right? I haven't eaten anything so this should balance it out. Yea, I'll keep telling myself that until the guilt washes over me and I use my handy dandy tooth brush.
Stashing the wrappers in a napkin, crumpling it, and forcing it towards the bottom of the trash can, I grab my keys when I'm sure it's fully out of site and head off to a job where I continue wearing my forced smile that people believe so easily.
CHAPTER 3
Elli
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
There's something wrong today. This isn't the normal kind of pain.
Suck it up. You'll get through it. You always do.
I repeat these ten little words as I head towards the door. Bad idea. This is a very bad idea. I should turn back. My heart starts jack hammering against my chest and my lower stomach feels like someone is stabbing me with a knife. Before I know it, my eyes betray me and allow the tears to fall. What is happening? Maybe something is finally wrong and somebody will realize I need help. But I can't let anyone find out! What am I thinking? I'm so out of it right now.
As if this wasn't bad enough, now my books are on the floor and so am I. Clutching my side. Now, in my head, my knight in shining armor would come to my rescue, pick me up off the ground and get me
the hell out of here. But that clearly means I have to stop reading my romance novels and give my nook a break. Since I know that isn't going to happen, I focus on the invisible Freddy Kruger that's having fun on my lower stomach.
Reaching for my books, I slowly get up, tears pouring down my face, and one foot at a time, make it to my car. Clutching my side, I try to put my seatbelt on. Well that's not happening as Freddy takes his place in my passenger seat. Maybe I should text someone to drive me. But that means I would be asking for help and that's not happening. Turning my key, I attempt to drive the five blocks to my house where my mom can just tell me what's happening.
Oh look a speed bump. What's that Freddy? You have two knives? Well by all means, use them both!
Of course I catch every red light. And eventually I'm crying so hard, I can't pull into my driveway. I beep the horn and my mom opens the door confused. And then she sees my tears.
Three hours later, I'm laying in a hospital bed while multiple exams are being done on my non existent abs and lower stomach. Well, guess I'm not going back to class today. My mom is in the waiting room since they wouldn't let her in during the tests. When the doctor comes in with my mom trailing behind, I have two options. Tell them I'm sick, or wait for them to just tell me what's wrong. Obviously I'm going to choose the latter.
Thin Ice Page 1
