It’s been two weeks since I started letting Dylan in, and even on top of my hectic schedule, he still makes it a point to see me as much as possible. Sometimes he even visits me when I’m working in the computer labs, and the looks I get from the class vary. I don’t know what they’re thinking, but I’m pretty sure half of the thoughts include ‘why is a guy like that with a girl like her?’. But for the first time, I’m not completely stressed out, my work is improving, and so is my confidence.
I try to schedule work around Dylan’s games so that I can make as many as possible. I wouldn’t like it if he was putting all this effort in to come and see me and I didn’t do the same as much as I could. He understands my schedule, but I still wouldn’t feel right.
He’s absolutely killing it on the ice. He told me the coach was talking to scouts, trying to get them to come watch him play.
Currently, it’s 7:00 and I’m actually getting out of work early for once since it’s a Friday night and no one is in the studio. I head home, and text Dylan before I take off that that I got out early and he can come over if he wants. He doesn’t text back right away, so I make my way home and get my pajamas on. Tegan went home for the weekend since it’s her mom’s birthday.
When I’m finally settled in, I grab my sketchbook, my pencils and my phone and go sit on the balcony. At Dylan’s last game, I brought my camera and took pictures. I got a close-up of him, completely focused, with his helmet on and sweat dripping down his face. His grey eyes are so intent on the game, it’s like nothing else matters. As soon as I took it I had the urge to draw it.
I start marking out the outline for his head, then his helmet, eyes, nose and mouth. I start defining the shapes of the lines and add details like his iris’, hairline, and neck line.
About twenty minutes into the drawing when I start shading, I see headlights round the corner of my apartment complex and when it gets closer, I notice it’s Dylan’s Jeep. He parks next to my car, jumps out and looks up to where I’m sitting. He grins at me and holds up a shopping bag.
“I come bearing gifts!” he calls out.
“Well then what are you waiting for?!”
He starts up the stairs and I go to meet him at the door. When it opens, I am attacked in a bear hug as he lifts me up to kiss his face. I didn’t think anyone could pick me up like this, but Dylan tends to change my mind about a lot of things. He looks back at me, grinning, still holding me in the air and says a simple “hi.”
“Well hello to you too!”
He slowly lowers me down and looks toward where I was on the balcony. He’s wearing his Wolves sweatpants and a grey long sleeve shirt. I wish I could pull off looking so good in sweats. I probably just look like a bum right now in my yoga pants and plain t-shirt.
“What are you up to?”
“Just sketching. I’m glad you came over!”
“I left my house as soon as you texted me, but I had to make a pit stop.” He holds up the bag in front of him and I eye him suspiciously. “We, Elli, are making s’mores and having a movie night.”
“S’mores?”
“Yea, you know, the American after BBQ tradition. Graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows. Please tell me you know what a s’more is.”
Smacking his arm with the back of my hand, I reply. “Of course I know what it is. I don’t remember the last time I made them.”
“Well tonight, we will make them microwave style while watching one of the greatest movies ever made.” He puts his hand into the bag and pulls out Happy Gilmore.
“I can’t argue with you there! Let me just get my stuff from the balcony.” I put all my art supplies away, and head towards Dylan in the kitchen, making easy work of putting together these s’mores. I watch him as he assembles a plate of crackers with chocolate and marshmallows, and sticks it in the microwave.
“You’re a pro at this, aren’t you?”
“These are my favorite. I can never pass them up. My mom gets offended because I’ll choose these over whatever she bakes for the restaurant. They’re not as good as when you make them over a fire, but either way I could eat a whole plate full.”
Before I say anything, the microwave goes off and he finishes putting them together. I take the movie and put it in the DVD player while I sit on the couch and wait for the Chef; and then realization hits me like a train.
There is no way I can eat one of these. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Fake stomach pains? Say I’m not hungry? Just not have one and see if he notices?
“I know that look Elli.”
Startled, I look up to see him watching me. “What look?”
“You’re thinking hard about something. What is it? And the truth.”
He comes and sits next to me, putting the plate of carbs down and his arm around my shoulders. He stares down at me and waits for my answer, and I try to think of what I’m going to say.
“Can I pass on the S’mores? I’m not really hungry.”
He lifts one eyebrow and says “Are you sure that’s why you don’t want one?”
“No.”
“That’s more like it. Tell me what’s really wrong.”
This is not going to end well for me. He’s going to think I’m insane. Maybe I am, but that still doesn’t change the way I feel.
“Elli, you can trust me. I want to know what’s going on.”
“I ate well today. I don’t want to ruin it…”
“You have to allow yourself a cheat once in a while. One s’more isn’t going to change how hard you’ve worked.”
“But I’m afraid I won’t just be able to have one. I know. You must think I’m crazy.”
“You’re right I do think you’re crazy. But not in the way you think.” He smirks at me and pulls me even closer to his side. I just feel safe next to him. Like somebody actually cares.
“I think you’re crazy for not seeing how beautiful you truly are. I may not know exactly what’s going through your mind right now, but from what you’re telling me, you think that having something that isn’t healthy, is going to set you back. Am I right?”
“Something like that.”
“Tell you what, even though you could eat this whole plate and I’d have nothing wrong with that, I get how determined you are to stick to your diet. So how about this, you have one s’more with me, and I’ll throw the rest away. That way, neither one of us will feel like we need to extend our workouts tomorrow, but we still get to enjoy one of the greatest desserts ever invented. Deal?”
I look down at the plate and nod my head. This might be able to work, but at the same time my heart is hammering inside my chest and I don’t see any good coming from this.
“Ok then! Time for Adam Sandler!”
He leans over to grab the remote, presses play, and hands me a s’more. As he eats his, I mindlessly chew on mine while trying to pay attention to the movie. When I finish, I look at the plate on the coffee table and am tempted to reach for another one. When was the last time I had dessert that wasn’t an Italian Ice? I mean, I’ve worked really hard and one night won’t be so bad, right? I could have another one. I just won’t eat that much tomorrow.
“Dylan?”
“Yea?”
“Can you get rid of the rest before I make a very bad decision?”
“I told you. I make the best s’mores.”
“Because there’s such an art to putting chocolate and marshmallows on a graham cracker?”
“Hey! They’re made with love, so there’s a lot more to it!”
“Yes Dylan, your s’mores are the best anyones ever tasted! You should open up a bakery and strictly sell microwaved s’mores. Your mom would be so proud!”
“Even though I sense the sarcasm, I’m going to take that as a compliment.”
He gets up and throws away what’s left on the plate, and then comes back to sit with me as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and I lay on his chest. We stay like that until the movie is over and I wonder what’s going to happen next. Surely
he won’t expect anything from me tonight, right? I’m definitely not ready for that yet. I don’t even like looking at myself naked. I’d never be able to stand in front of him like that.
“Alright beautiful. I have practice in the morning so I better get going. Are you okay here by yourself? When is Tegan coming back?”
Crisis averted. However I don’t know if I’m happy or sad about it. “Yea I’ll be fine. She comes back on Sunday, and I have work tomorrow morning.”
“Maybe I’ll stop by after I get out of practice?”
“I’d like that.”
He kisses me goodbye and heads out to his jeep.
I go get ready to wash up for bed and as soon as I enter the bathroom I stop and look in the mirror. Turning to the side and lifting up my shirt, I realize that s’more was a very bad decision. There is no reason I should be eating like that. I should have came up with a better excuse. My stomach looks like it expanded a few inches, and I cringe as I grab the flab of skin around my belly button. I wish I could just carve it off. Like ice. Just chip away at it until I can see my hip bones that I’ve always wanted to be able to see. Maybe even take some off in between my thighs so I can have somewhat of a thigh gap. I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to not have your legs touch when you walk.
Grabbing my toothbrush, I utilize the fastest way to get that marshmallow concoction out of my system. I lift the lid of the toilet and stick the toothbrush down my throat. One gag, two gags, and just like I knew it would, my stomach releases its contents on the third gag. Suddenly my head feels a bit dizzy, but I know it will pass after a few minutes. My eyes distort the room and my vision goes momentarily black. I lay down on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and wait for it to pass.
“Elli? Elli!”
Suddenly two familiar strong arms are holding me up and tapping my cheeks. My eyes start to open and I see Dylan above me with an extreme look of concern. Then I realize I’m still laying on the bathroom floor. Well, this definitely doesn’t look good. My head is throbbing and I don’t even know what to say. What would make this look less bad? Probably nothing, but I have to try, right? But when I look back at Dylan, I know that’d be useless. Apparently I forgot to flush the toilet when I passed out, and I still have the toothbrush in my hand.
It’s then, in this moment, that I realize I’m sick. Like, really sick. No amount of someone telling me ‘it’ll be ok’ is going to help me right now. And anything that’s left in me finds it’s way streaming from my eyes, down my cheeks and onto the cold, tile floor. As much as I try to hold it back, my eyes betray me and speak the unspoken truth. Tears that speak of years of hiding. I know I mentioned it to Tegan, but this is different. Having Dylan see me in the act makes it real. Something I can’t fully hide from anymore. Something is wrong with me, and now Dylan knows. If he runs away now, I wouldn’t blame him. I’d commend him on knowing that he got out of a crazy, messed up situation.
As the tears cloud my vision, suddenly the toothbrush is taken from my hand and I’m being carried to my bed. Dylan lays next to me and holds me close. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t look at me like i’m insane, and as he wraps one hand around my body, he uses the other one to smooth my hair. It’s comforting, and again, I feel safe. I cry my eyes out for what seems like hours until sleep envelops me. Somehow having Dylan here at night isn’t so bad anymore. But this is not how I pictured it going, even in the least bit.
CHAPTER 16
Dylan
When I realized I forgot my wallet at Elli’s, I was only just turning out of her complex. I turned around, parked and ran back up her stairs. Knocking a few times, I start to worry when there is no answer. I might be over reacting, but there is no way she fell asleep that fast. I knock a few more times and still nothing. A bit of panic surges through me and I start to pound on the door telling Elli it’s only me. I start looking for a spare key and when I feel the ridged metal on top of the door frame, I grab it and walk in, calling Elli’s name. When she doesn’t answer I go into her room and see the bathroom light on. I run over and witness the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Her lifeless body on the floor with a toothbrush in her hand. I rush to her side and see that she’s still breathing.
“Elli! Elli, wake up!”
I’m just about to call for help when her eyes start to open and she becomes aware of the situation. After the shock wears off, she deflates in my arms and just starts to tear up. Then, she’s not just crying. She’s releasing herself of everything she’s been hiding.
I pick her up and bring her to the bed. This isn’t the time for talking, so I just let her cry. She lays on my chest and I can feel the water from her tears through my shirt. I smooth her hair with my hand and a few minutes later her breathing evens out and she’s sleeping. Despite not wanting to, I gently move out from under her to go clean the bathroom. As soon as I finish, I go lock the front door. A flood of questions and concerns is jumbled up in my head and I don’t even know where to start. But I won’t worry about that now. I take out my phone and text coach that I had a family emergency and I can’t make it to practice in the morning. I grab Elli’s phone off of her nightstand and text Tegan.
Hey its Dylan. Elli’s sick and I need to tell her boss she can’t come in tomorrow. You know who to talk to?
About one minute later, Elli’s phone starts vibrating in my hand and Tegan’s picture pops up. I press talk on the second ring.
“Dylan?”
“Yea it’s me. Hey Tegan.”
“What’s wrong with Elli? Is she ok?”
“I’m not sure it’s my place to tell. She’s sleeping now but I’m not leaving.”
“Oh God Dylan! What happened. Please tell me!”
I’m silent for a moment before Tegan answers her own question.
“She made herself sick didn’t she?”
“So you know?”
“Ughhhh! Dammit Elli! She told me she doesn’t do it anymore. I should have known better. Dammit. Alright well I can’t leave until tomorrow. Are you sure you can stay with her Dylan?”
“Of course. She mentioned she has work tomorrow though and I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to go. I’m not overstepping here right?”
“No, no. Not at all. I’ll call my friend who can cover for her.”
“Okay good.”
“Hey Dylan?”
“Yea?”
“Please don’t mess with her. If this is something that….”
I cut her off. “There’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere Tegan. I promise.”
“I trust you Dylan. Maybe you can get through to her.”
“I hope so. Thanks Tegan.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.
We hang up and I walk back into Elli’s room. For a second I just watch her. Her hair is fanned out behind her head and she looks so peacefull. This beautiful girl. How can she not see that? I climb back into bed with her and pull her close. She curls up to me and I pull the blankets over us. Damn this girl has a lot of pillows.
Sleep doesn’t come easily, but I feel relaxed with her in my arms. This beautiful girl, who’s hurting in ways I can’t even wrap my head around.
CHAPTER 17
Dylan
I wake up first, and Elli is still sleeping. I don’t move. I want to stay right here with her and let her relax for as long as she needs. I have a feeling today is not going to be easy for her. After a few minutes of watching her rest, in a non-creeper way, she starts to stir. She opens her eyes that are red from crying and slowly looks up at me. She's confused at first, and then realization hits her as she remembers what happened. She takes a deep breath and then closes her eyes. I kiss both of her eyelids, letting her know it’s going to be okay.
“Goodmorning beautiful.”
“Dylan I’m sor..”
“Shhhh. Don’t apologize. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”
“Wait, dammit what time is it? I’m going to be late for work!”
She goes
to move and I pull her back to me. “Hey, it’s ok. I called Tegan and she got someone to cover for you. I hope youre not mad, but I thought you should take a day off.”
She relaxes a little and nods her head.
“Elli, how long has this been going on?”
“Since high school.”
She’s quiet for a few minutes and I let her think.
“Dylan, I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me after this.”
“I wish you would realize I’m not going anywhere. I promise. Just help me understand so I can help you and be there for you.”
“I’m not sure how to describe it. I just feel disgusted with myself.”
I look down at her and even though she’s not crying, the hurt in her eyes says more than words.
She continues with her thoughts. “I’ve never really fit in anywhere, you know? In school I was more mature for my age. I didn’t drink or party and I cared about my grades. And at home, my brother plays hockey, my sister is skinny no matter what she eats, and I was always just the out of shape sister. I threw myself into my work and made sure that at least if I’m big, no one can take the things I accomplished away. It came to a point where I worked myself to death, and I still blamed all my stress on my weight. Figured if I lost it, things would get easier. Then I just became obsessed with trying to lose weight. For a while, it was just about working out a lot. Then it became more and more about food and I just stopped eating all together. I started getting extreme anxiety attacks and couldn’t sit through a whole day of school without hiding out in my car until it passed. It was easy to hide. No one at school paid attention and since I worked a lot I wasn’t home all that often. No one ever questioned it. Then I stopped losing weight and just started to get dizzy all the time. When I came to school here, I wanted to get better, but I still have a fear of food and of eating in front of people. I feel like if I’m not eating something healthy, then it’s wrong and I need to get it out of my system before it does any damage.”
Thin Ice Page 8
