by Jessie Olson
She started to unbutton his shirt and leaned back towards him, kissing his mouth, across his cheek, down to his neck. She felt him breathe in and out against her own neck. “I tried not,” he breathed. “I tried not to do this.”
Lizzie didn’t understand what he was saying. She figured it was the wine or just the elation of the moment clouding her head too quickly. She lifted her face and kissed his mouth again. “I’m glad you changed your mind,” she met his stare and stopped undoing his buttons. She smoothed along his temples. “Do you really…” she couldn’t stop her eyes from welling. “Am I really what you’ve wanted all this time?”
He took hold of her face gently and kissed her again. She barely noticed his hands leave her cheeks and slip under her thighs as he lifted her and carried her up the spiral staircase.
*****
Lizzie heard the doorbell ring as she stepped out the shower. She threw on a towel and ran down the stairs, her wet hair dripping on her shoulders. Nora laughed as she opened the door. “I always forget traffic is better on Sunday afternoons,” she offered.
“Meg is still at Alec’s,” Lizzie took one of the dresses and walked with Nora up the stairs.
“Is she on her way?” Nora asked as they got to the top of the staircase.
“I just came back from a run,” Lizzie tightened her towel after hanging the dress up on the coat rack.
“Another run? The day after your race? I take it the ankle is back to normal,” Nora took the sheeting off of Lizzie’s dress. “Don’t bother getting dressed. Go put this on.”
Lizzie went back to the bathroom and put up her wet hair in a clip before trying on the dress. The burgundy material fitted her frame flawlessly. She rushed back out to the hallway to show Nora. “It’s perfect,” she beamed.
“It is,” Nora grinned as she unclipped Lizzie’s wet hair to see it on her shoulders. “No, I think we should see your shoulders.”
“Are you wearing yours up or down?” Lizzie let herself wander over to the mirror in the hallway. She once avoided it at all costs.
“Up,” Nora put the clip back in her hair. “How did it go yesterday?”
“I made good time,” Lizzie turned away from the mirror.
“And you decided to go for a run today.”
“Ben came to see me.”
“Ben? High school Ben?” Nora smiled. She was impressed by the story of his chivalry on Memorial Drive.
“Yes,” Lizzie smoothed along the skirt.
“Did you know he was coming?”
“I didn’t know he was there until I was waiting for Meg to bring the car.”
“And?”
“He ended up coming over last night,” Lizzie couldn’t prevent the smile that eked across her chin as she heard the door at the bottom of the stairs.
“Are you going to see him again?” Nora asked, unmoved by the sound at the door.
“I hope so,” Lizzie smiled and ignored the lump of doubt that prompted her to run on her bandaged ankle. Ben was gone when she woke up. She didn’t know how she should feel about that when he made her so happy by coming to her apartment. When he said that he couldn’t stop thinking about her…
“Oh my God, Lizzie!” Meg got to the top of the staircase. “You look amazing!”
“Thanks,” Lizzie let the praise warm her memory and fade out the sickening sense of uncertainty.
“There is no way my dress is going to look that good on me,” Meg dropped her bag and went to her dress on the coat rack.
“I think you might be surprised, Meg,” Nora offered. “Margie did an amazing job with the dresses. You should see Becca’s.”
Meg took her dress off the hook and disappeared down the hall into the bathroom. Lizzie turned back to her reflection once more. She let Ben slip back into her mind and hoped that he might be able to see her in that dress. “You know, Nora,” Lizzie sighed at her reflection. “I think I really like him.”
“Ben?”
“Yeah,” Lizzie shut her eyes accepting the fact she just made it real. She hoped that by wishing it she didn’t just curse it by making it too much like her last wish for a man for whom she let herself feel.
“He would be a fool to walk away from you.”
“A fool,” Lizzie repeated to her reflection in near silence.
“Hey, I think you got a bug bite,” Nora said suddenly.
“What?” Lizzie turned away from the mirror.
“At the base of your neck,” Nora touched a spot that Lizzie couldn’t see in the mirror or her periphery. “You don’t feel it?”
“No.”
“Actually, you’ve got two of them.”
“Is it really obvious?”
“No,” Nora laughed. “That’s a funny place for a bug bite.”
“Something probably found me while I was running.”
“Maybe it’s the Chicken Pox.”
“I had those when I was seven,” Lizzie looked at the mirror trying to see what she knew she couldn’t.
Meg came down the hallway, beaming at the fit of her own maroon dress. “Margie is a genius.”
Nora smiled. “I am going to have beautiful photographs!” she exclaimed.
Lizzie caught the contagious elation of her friends and let it fuel her hope that there would be much more to smile about in June.
Chapter Nine
He disappeared. Well, it seemed like it. She knew he was probably somewhere in Cambridge living his life as usual, going to his office and back to wherever he lived in Central Square. But there was no word from him, no confirmation of the fact that he really was thinking about her. That he wanted to talk to her again. No email. Nothing on Facebook. Not even a phone call. Not that she had given him her number. But it couldn’t be that difficult to find it if he wanted to contact her.
Lizzie spent a week talking herself in and out of all sorts of possibilities. She idled over Facebook and Google looking at whatever the name Ben Cottingham yielded. Nothing proved anything. She saw no evidence that he was married. He wasn’t gay. She knew that for sure. She didn’t know why he left without goodbye. Or why he hadn’t bothered to make any contact since. Was he going to wait another six weeks and show up spontaneously with a bottle of wine to check on her ankle? Was she going to wait another six weeks for him?
She wanted to see him. She didn’t want to send a message across Facebook and not be able to see the expression when he saw her name in his inbox. She wanted to catch him in the moment and see if he was glad to see her. Or if he had an impulse to run away. She couldn’t just keep hoping for another sudden appearance. She wasn’t running any races in the near future. She thought briefly about finding one and posting it on Facebook to lure him with another update. She didn’t want to resort to deceit… not yet. She knew he lived somewhere close to the Charles River. She could at least run there and hope that whatever led him to walk a few blocks from his house on a Saturday afternoon would lead him to cross her path again. Maybe. It was a stretch, but it would be good exercise… for her ankle.
She directed herself towards the JFK Bridge. With each step, she let her mind go back and replay the night in her apartment over and over. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Then he said he tried not to… to what? To see her? To obsess about her? To bring a bottle of wine to her apartment? To seduce her? To stay away? What did he mean? If he wanted to stay away, why did he show up after saying he couldn’t come to dinner? Why didn’t he stay away?
Why didn’t he contact her? He knew how to find her. He knew where she lived. He knew she was on Facebook. Was he still trying to talk himself out of whatever it was that he was trying not to do? Maybe it was Sara. Maybe he didn’t want to go back down that road to Springs. Who could blame him? He had a successful business in Boston. He didn’t need to look back.
She turned around at the Harvard Bridge and headed back towards the train. Maybe she wouldn’t see him. She would have to email him. She wasn’t going to allow another week to pass without giving herself the
opportunity to ask him these questions that she asked over and over. Never mind her own question. If it was a real possibility, would she stay? Or would she find a reason to run away?
She passed the Mass Ave. Bridge when she saw him. She didn’t see his face, but she knew it was him. He was walking away from her, at a pretty brisk pace. She increased her run to a sprint and then slowed when she was a few feet from him. As if sensing her, he turned suddenly and gave her the reaction she hoped to see. He smiled.
“Hey Ben,” she took out her earphones.
“Elizabeth,” he responded. “I see your ankle is doing very well.”
“It is,” she felt the runner’s high release her grin without any effort.
She saw the breeze ruffle his short hair. He closed his eyes for a brief second as if collecting a thought. He stepped back from her and looked down the river. “I’m glad to see you,” he finally looked back at her.
“Me too,” she was confused by his look and increased distance. The oxygen drain from her head often impaired her perception. She felt the endorphin rush fuel her confidence. “Maybe we could get dinner some time?”
Ben looked down the river a second time. “Lizzie,” he startled her with her nickname.
She felt the coolness enter her brain. There was something holding him back. Damn it. She didn’t care. “I feel badly that you showed up and there was no dinner last week. I also appreciate your attention to my ankle. Whatever you did made it feel much better. You don’t know how much that meant to me,” she smiled.
He looked at her intently. She sensed the urge she felt at the top of the stairs when he brought her home. She wanted to go towards him and pull him into her kiss. She was about to take a step when he lifted his hand and ran his fingers through his hair. He moved his face back towards the water, but she could tell he was still looking at her. She knew he desired her. She knew that much was true. If that was all… if she was to him just what Eric was to her… maybe… maybe that would be okay.
“I saw that you are going to see Jack’s band next weekend,” he turned back to face her.
“What?” Lizzie was surprised by the fact he knew that. Facebook. “Oh yeah. Yeah, on Friday.”
“I’d like to see the band. And go with you,” he smiled. “I’ll drive.”
“To Worcester?”
“I’d enjoy your company,” he returned his smile to the one she saw at the beginning of the conversation.
“Okay,” Lizzie nodded. “Pick me up at… seven? That should get us there by 8. Jack’s band goes on at 10. The opening band is pretty decent, too.”
“Sounds good,” the strain returned to his face. “Listen, I have to get to an appointment. I’ll see you on Friday.”
“Yeah,” Lizzie nodded and put her earphones in to stop herself from lunging at him. She picked up her feet and ran back to the train. She was elated and confused. She didn’t understand his restraint. There was honesty in his reaction. She knew in spite of whatever he was hiding, he was happy to see her.
*****
Lizzie decided on jeans and a sleeveless shirt. She told herself she wouldn’t care so much, but she changed her outfit several times and would have continued to be indecisive if the doorbell didn’t ring. She let Meg answer it, knowing she was eager to meet the guy who made Lizzie blush. Lizzie didn’t tell Meg or Nora about Ben’s mysterious behavior, but figured the observation of one of them might help with some perspective.
“Hi Ben,” Lizzie came into the living room.
“Hi,” Ben turned around and grinned at her. Lizzie saw Meg’s nod of approval over his shoulder and rested her gaze on Ben’s friendly eyes.
“You’ve met Meg,” Lizzie felt her whole body lighten.
“She was just telling me about her thesis,” Ben made a strange smile. Lizzie couldn’t tell if it was amusement, approval, or the attempt to curb himself from laughing outright. Lizzie noticed all the books spread on the table and realized how the topic probably came up.
“He actually recommended a couple books I have never heard of,” Meg explained her enthusiasm.
“That’s impressive,” Lizzie warmed at the fact that he was in her living room, talking with her best friend, and still looking at her with admiration. “I didn’t know you were a fan of gothic literature.”
“I’ve had time to read a few genres.”
“Really?” Lizzie was surprised to hear a man who built and managed his own company spent time reading literature.
“Yes,” Ben came to her side and touched her elbow. “We should probably get going. Meg, it was wonderful to meet you.”
“The same,” Meg looked at Lizzie one more time before they went down the stairs.
Lizzie let him open the car door for her. Normally she hated that gesture. It was too old fashioned. With Ben it seemed charming, not patronizing. She watched him sit beside her. He looked tired. His skin was paler, making the freckles more pronounced under his eyes. He turned those eyes to her as he fastened his seat belt. The gray seemed to overtake the green. He looked… nervous. Lizzie knew she should say something, anything to start the conversation and stifle the oppressive silence that had overtaken the car. “Weather’s nice, huh?”
“It is a nice night.”
“The moon is supposed to be full, I think,” Lizzie felt like a dork. Was she trying to sound too desperate for a story out of a romance novel?
“It’s the perfect temperature. Not too warm, not too cold,” he started the ignition.
“The way May is supposed to be.”
“I don’t expect anything of May weather. It’s always different. Sometimes hot. It’s even snowed.”
Lizzie tried to remember a May when it snowed. “Well, I brought a sweater just in case,” she was impatient with herself for her lame conversation.
“So, you’ve been to a lot of Jack’s gigs?”
“Yeah. I don’t know if you remember the band he tried to start in high school. Most of those guys moved away after college. Just Mike…” Lizzie paused, wondering if Ben remembered Mike from his friendship with Oliver. She didn’t want to remind him or remind herself of the conversation on the back deck of Jen and Jack’s house. Or the wordless fifteen minutes after. She wasn’t sure how much of her history she should reveal at this point, if ever. “Mike’s the drummer. Anyway, after Jack and Jen had Zach, they got serious and recruited some other musicians. They’ve been together for about ten years. I think they are pretty decent, even if I’m family. “
“It’s good to see he is still devoted to it. I remember his love of guitar back in high school.”
“Yeah. Jen really supports him. Have you met his wife?”
“No.”
“They got married real young,” Lizzie knew she was talking a lot, but couldn’t think how else to fill the silence. “They thought she was pregnant. She was. She lost it, but they were engaged and decided to elope anyway. Two years later, they had Zach. They have a daughter, Izzie, who is three.”
“Sounds like a happy family.”
“You know, I think they are soul mates. They were probably married in their last life, too.”
“You believe in that stuff? Reincarnation?”
“I think so. I mean… I really don’t KNOW. I don’t necessarily know that any of it is THE answer. But, yeah, it’s nice to think we come back here eventually. I would like to see another century. See what new gadgets teenagers have two hundred years from now,” Lizzie laughed at herself.
“But you wouldn’t be you?”
“I don’t know how it works, Ben. You probably think it’s all… silly.”
“I like what you said about not knowing THE answer.”
“So you’re not an atheist?”
“Did you think I was an atheist?”
“I guess I did. Are you?”
“No.”
“Hm,” Lizzie looked to the cars they passed on the Pike.
“You were pretty religious in high school,” Ben commented.
�
��I was a good little Catholic girl from a small town,” Lizzie kept looking at the blurred cars. “I am definitely not that now.”
“You live in a suburb.”
“I’m no longer Catholic… and I’m definitely not good.”
“You’re good.”
“I don’t think we’d be in this car right now if either one of us thought I was good.”
Ben pursed his lips together and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. Lizzie knew she hit some sort of nerve. She couldn’t tell if it was his sin or hers that caused his immediate tensing. He took a deep breath and relaxed his arms. “Do you really think that makes you a bad person?”
“Well…” Lizzie faded her voice. If he did have a wife or girlfriend, obviously what they did together did make her a bad person. She still wasn’t ready to ask him that question. “Sometimes it does.”
“To do something that makes you feel good?”
“It’s not the physical act,” Lizzie argued. She couldn’t believe the conversation about weather shifted to sex before they got beyond 495. “But the motivation.”
“The motivation?” he glanced at her.
“I slept with Mike – Jack’s drummer.” Lizzie spoke before stopping her whim for honesty. “He has a girlfriend. I knew that. But I went ahead and slept with him because he wanted me. Because it felt good knowing he would choose me when he had someone else. Because for so much of my life I didn’t feel wanted. I don’t love Mike. I didn’t do it out of love. I did it to make myself feel good for five minutes. It was stupid. It was cruel. And it was not good.”
Ben took in a breath. He clearly didn’t know what to say. He was stuck in the car with her, on the Mass Turnpike, with very little option to turn around and drive her back home. “That doesn’t make you a bad person, Elizabeth.”
