An Ever Fixéd Mark

by Jessie Olson

  “There is a new clinic opening up outside of Chicago. I agreed to consult on the organization of the donor screening lab and registry.”

  “Oh,” Lizzie tried not to be too obvious with her letdown. Her birthday was in the beginning of August. She couldn’t remember if she ever told him that… if birthdays even mattered to someone who had been through 255 of them.

  “I made the offer before we were seeing one another and completely forgot about it until she called me last week. I will miss you,” he touched her cheek.

  “I will miss you,” Lizzie decided to get her dirty dish to bring back to the kitchen.

  “You can stay here while I’m gone,” Ben stood up behind her.

  “I might,” she turned to get the plate from the chair.

  “Elizabeth,” he called her attention back and focused his green eyes in the way that made her feel so calm and right. “Last night was very special.”

  Lizzie felt the smile form on her lips and melt away the peevish irritation about her birthday. “It was special for me too.”

  He cupped his hand along her chin, pulling her towards him. The green eyes locked upon her intensely. “I love you.” Lizzie kissed him, still unable to form the response. He pulled back and smoothed along her hair. “Did you…” his eyes seemed to gain concentration and looked for something in her. Was he trying to see what she felt but couldn’t say? “What did you…”

  “I felt it, too,” she breathed close to him and touched his lips gently. “I wish I didn’t have to wait two months to do it again.”

  Ben dropped his eyes, softening the intensity of his gaze. “We have to. For your safety.”

  “I know,” Lizzie agreed even though she didn’t really understand it. He stepped back and lifted his eyes again, but the moment was broken. “I should wash my dishes.”

  “Yes,” he nodded, even though Lizzie knew he didn’t understand how important that was.

  “Ben, I…” she lingered wondering if the leap of her articulation would bring that moment back.

  “Mm?”

  “Thank you for letting me stay here while you are gone.”

  He looked at her and shifted his eyes to the white roses again so briefly. “You are always welcome, Lizzie.” She grabbed the plate and took it to the kitchen, not sure why his pronouncement of Lizzie unnerved her so much.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lizzie dropped a five in the tip box before going to the bar to wait for her iced latte. Starbucks was bustling on Monday morning. She appreciated the speed with which they delivered her portion of caffeine, allowing her spare time to sit in a vacated plush chair and eat her turkey bacon sandwich.

  She knew she was groggy from the humidity and the lazy hours of her Sunday. But there was no mistaking the gray haired gentleman in the opposite corner beside a tiny waisted brunette. Lizzie bit her lip to restrain from going over to where he sat with his hand on the lap of the frivolous twenty-something. She took in a sobering breath and tried to concentrate on the newspaper left by her chair.

  “Lizzie Watson,” Professor McCaffrey called her back from the newspaper.

  “Alec,” Lizzie made her smile overt and her articulation loud.

  “You’ve been visiting your boyfriend this weekend?” he smiled with no shame over the girl clinging to his elbow.

  “I work at Mt. Elm,” Lizzie muttered, not wanting to admit she was anywhere close to Ben’s apartment, in case Alec should remember another location in Central Square with which to affiliate him.

  “Yes, you do,” Alec looked at her with no indication to the brunette.

  “I’m Lizzie,” she offered out her hand.

  “This is Claire,” Alec still looked at Lizzie when the young woman didn’t offer a hand in return.

  She felt the gaze of his eyes and made sure her hair was still draped over her shoulder. She wished she went home to get a better outfit. “Do you have a class?” Lizzie couldn’t think of anything better to say, unsure how to confront him.

  “I’m not teaching this summer,” Alec didn’t change his intensity.

  “Then you must have lots of time to help Meg with her thesis,” Lizzie hissed, relieved she said it but terrified for his response.

  “Meg’s a bright girl,” Alec answered. “She’s doing quite well on her own.”

  “Does that mean you…” Lizzie looked at Claire’s vicious bored expression. “Do you know Meg, Claire?”

  The brunette rolled her eyes at Lizzie and then turned a pleading stare towards Alec. “Can you get me a refill?” Alec handed Claire his reusable mug without looking at her.

  “You haven’t told Meghan about your boyfriend,” Alec whispered when Claire joined the line.

  “What’s there to tell?” Lizzie shrugged, determined not to show how she really wanted to react.

  “I always thought there was more to you than a frumpy little secretary.”

  Lizzie hardened her eyes. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that you should give me a call when he loses his taste for you,” Alec said calmly. Lizzie clenched her jaw, unable to scream in the midst of the hectic morning coffee crowd. She knew the brunette hadn’t stopped turning her head from the line.

  “Meg doesn’t know about this?” she let herself spit out when Claire reached the cashier.

  “About Claire?” he laughed.

  “About Ben,” Lizzie spoke between her teeth.

  “Meghan likes the fantasy too much,” Alec lowered his voice in a way that made her skin crawl. “She couldn’t handle the real thing.”

  “Is Claire the only one?” Lizzie glared at him.

  “No,” Alec said lightly. “Like I said, when you and he are done, call me. “

  Lizzie didn’t turn her eyes to watch him meet Claire and walk out the door. She felt an urge to call Ben, but thought inciting his anger wouldn’t be a wise reaction to Alec’s swarminess. He was too old and powerless to be a real threat. Not to Lizzie. About Meg’s heart she wasn’t so sure.

  *****

  “I like that one of you and Meg best,” Nora leaned her chin on Lizzie’s shoulder.

  “Yeah, I like it, too. I want a copy of this one,” Lizzie took it off the top of the pile of pictures in her hands and handed it over to Meg.

  “I have to agree. Those dresses do look pretty fabulous,” Meg laughed.

  “That’s a nice one of Ben, Lizzie,” Nora continued to look over her shoulder.

  “Mmm,” Lizzie agreed as Meg took it.

  “He always looks so pale,” Meg scowled. “But he is handsome.”

  Lizzie studied Meg’s expression as she looked at the photograph. Meg was in slightly better spirits, but still on the cranky side of her romantic mania. She didn’t seem able to say anything kind without layering it with a jab first. She told Ben she was going to go home to Jefferson Park, but decided if Meg continued she was going to his apartment instead.

  As if sensing Lizzie’s dissatisfaction, Meg lifted her eyes and softened. “You’re very lucky, Lizzie.”

  Lizzie’s irritation melted away as quickly as it came, making her feel foolish for begrudging her long time friend who wasn’t as lucky. She felt badly that she avoided Meg since encountering Alec in Starbucks. She knew the good friend would have gone home to Jefferson Park and said something about his blatant, unapologetic infidelity. But Lizzie was scared to even mention Professor McCaffrey. Scared to ignite Meg’s moodiness and even more scared that any mention of him would lend itself to another conversation about Ben. It wasn’t until she knew Nora would be there as a buffer that she felt comfortable to be in Meg’s company again.

  “I am very lucky,” Lizzie wondered if she should say anything further. Not that she could say a lot of the things she found endearing about him. That he was once a doctor or that he invented a medicine or that he decided it was more important to be with her than stay alone as he had been for nearly a century. There were so many things to say. “He said he loved me.”

  Nor
a pulled away from Lizzie’s side and sat up with a broad grin. “And what did you tell him?”

  “I…” Lizzie stopped from confessing that she let him drink her blood.

  “You didn’t,” Meg reverted to cranky and tossed the picture of Ben on the coffee table. “What the fuck, Lizzie? He’s a good guy. He’s good to you.”

  “It…” she tripped again, unable to tell them about Oliver and Melissa Benson or Eloise Hutchins. Not that Oliver really had anything to do with how she felt about Ben. She was making up excuses for a fear that had nothing to do with vampires. And yet… there was still something she felt she should know before she would let herself love him completely. She didn’t know what, but it seemed to be lurking around the corner.

  “Lizzie isn’t as impulsive as you, Meg,” Nora touched her hand. “Ben isn’t Alec.”

  Lizzie straightened her spine, wishing that Nora hadn’t gone there. She held her breath anticipating the explosion from Meg. Instead, Meg took in a gasp and left the room. Lizzie looked at Nora. “Why did you bring him up?’

  “Because I am tired of being nice about the professor. She should feel this so she will leave him for once and for all,” Nora shook her head. “I know she’s in pain, but it will be better for her if he is gone from her life. Did you hear how he shredded her thesis? That bastard was just jealous because she is the better writer.”

  “He shredded her thesis?”

  “She didn’t tell you? He held onto it too long for her to submit it on time for her deadline. When he gave it back he undermined every one of her opinions. So now she’s not even touching it, thinking it’s not good enough.”

  “When did she tell you this?”

  “Last week,” Nora took a sip of wine, allowing Lizzie to realize she saw Alec more recently with Claire on his arm. “I don’t think she’s seen him since he gave it back to her… but…” Nora lifted her glance as Meg came back into the room, not bothering to hide her red eyes. She had a few tissues in her hand and blew her nose loudly.

  Nora left Lizzie’s side and sat beside Meg. “Why don’t you just leave him?”

  “I want to… I am always so helpless and go back to him, just when I think I am over him,” Meg let the tears stream again. “It’s like I am attached to Alec and will forever be predetermined to love him.”

  “You will always love him,” Nora shrugged. “It doesn’t mean you always have to go back to him. You need to get over your fantasies of destiny and past lives, Meghan. If he brings you harm and is this destructive against your feelings, you should not be with him. I can’t imagine any law of fate mandating that you have to be with a bastard who hurts you. Otherwise you cut yourself off from any other fate of happiness or living.”

  Meg looked at Nora and smiled in spite of her tears. “How did you get to be so wise?”

  “It isn’t wisdom to tell your friend she doesn’t have to be in a relationship with a jerk,” Nora rolled her eyes.

  “Well Lizzie found Ben after her Will fiasco,” Meg sighed.

  “There’s hope for us all,” Lizzie made herself laugh, deciding that every one of her worries about Ben wasn’t important when he so plainly cared about her, in a way Alec McCaffrey couldn’t care for anyone.

  “Too bad Ben doesn’t have a brother,” Meg smiled in Lizzie’s direction.

  “He does. He’s married,” Lizzie thought of Ben’s absent minded comparison of Meg to Oliver.

  “Too bad,” Meg picked up a wine glass.

  “Does this mean you are going to leave him?” Nora asked.

  “I think I already did,” Meg looked down.

  “What about your thesis?” Nora was brave enough to ask the questions Lizzie was afraid to articulate.

  “It was a load of crap,” Meg rolled her eyes. “No, really, it was. I think I’m done with vampires for now.”

  Lizzie straightened her collar, making sure the inside of her left neck wasn’t exposed. She wasn’t eager to argue the legitimacy of Meg’s theories or encourage her to pursue the subject any further. She remembered Alec’s comment about her not being able to deal with the reality. Maybe it would be best if Meg let the thesis and Alec McCaffrey go.

  “So what does Mr. Wonderful have planned for your birthday?’ Meg picked up the pile of photographs again and handed one to Lizzie.

  Lizzie looked at the picture of Nora and her sister. “I don’t know,” Lizzie shook her head with an attempt at cool. “Probably something simple. Birthdays aren’t a big deal to him.” She didn’t really know that. She just decided it couldn’t be a big deal to him. It wasn’t important when everything else about him was incredibly wonderful.

  Meg looked briefly at Nora and bit her lip. “He’s probably got something up his sleeve,” Nora laughed.

  “Maybe,” Lizzie looked at the next picture of her standing with Ben. He was happy at her side. More importantly, she was happy. She didn’t have to make any effort to smile for that photo. That was all she needed to know.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Lizzie wrapped her fingers around the coffee mug. The AC in Ben’s office was too cold. She logged in and took a sip of her drink as the desktop finished loading. The quiet of his office was unsettling. Even as the room was familiar to her, it was still strange to be in his chair, in front of his desk on a Sunday morning when he wasn’t in the next room.

  She clicked on the server and logged into her newsfeed. Jack posted the notice about his fundraiser. Nora tagged her in several wedding pictures, most of which Lizzie saw in Nora’s living room a week ago. She smiled at the one she liked so much of her and Ben. She contemplated making it her profile picture when a red flag popped up on the screen.

  Lizzie clicked her mouse again saw a friend request from Oliver Cottingham. Lizzie felt her spine straighten and turn cold. She didn’t know if it was another burst of AC or the fact she read that name while sitting in Ben’s office. She clicked the name and was allowed access to his page. She saw a different photo than the one she studied months ago. He was well dressed and young and outdoors. But pale, not like someone who was in that warm sun all the time. Further down the page, there were wall comments from friends and colleagues. He was listed as professor of environmental studies. Married. Nothing indicating his secret. Nothing indicating he was Benjamin’s brother. Lizzie hastily accepted the request and felt her nerves tingle. Ben would see that. He didn’t always go on Facebook, but Nora just tagged him in several photos. He would be isolated in his hotel in Chicago. He might go on to send her a message, knowing her love for skulking.

  Lizzie looked away from the screen, as if that made her less responsible for impulse. She looked about the room, noticing details she ignored when Ben was there. She admired the antiquated books, certain she could identify Keats and Voltaire. There was nothing but books on the shelves. No tchotchkes. There were no photographs. There was a painting on the wall opposite the desk. Something modern with red and black and not really resembling any sort of image, just an impression of shadows and color.

  She saw the computer screen, and the picture of Oliver. She hastily went to her page and deleted the detail that Lizzie Watson is friends with Oliver Cottingham. Maybe Ben wouldn’t see it. She didn’t know why it mattered so much, why the panic set in so swiftly. Did she really think Ben capable of such wrath? Over Facebook? She breathed out slowly and stared back at the strange red and black painting. Ben had two and a half centuries of perspective that made the trivialities of social network politics pretty ridiculous.

  Lizzie picked up her mug and drank, but the AC made her coffee tepid. As she set it down, she noticed the desk drawers on either side of her. Without thinking about talking herself out of it, she opened them. The two larger drawers were full of papers. Personal finance, tax files, investment folders. She didn’t know what she was hoping to find, but nothing like that. She opened the smaller drawer to her left and found pens, a stapler, and other desk supplies. The smaller drawer on the right had a small leather book. It was a neglected cal
endar. A newspaper article fell out as she opened the pages. It was a clipping from a local paper about her 10K. She saw her name listed next to her time. Lizzie smiled with the memory of his appearance at the end of the race and her apartment after. She placed the calendar with the clipping inside it back in the drawer.

  She brushed her hand against some disheveled photos. Lizzie pulled out the pile, grinning over a handful of images from their trip to Quechee. Most were of Lizzie, which made sense if he was taking the pictures. Underneath were pictures of a setting she recognized. Coldbrook. The pictures were older. She didn’t know the house. Was that his house, the one he lived in with Oliver? A big old farmhouse. She couldn’t remember what street he lived on … but she recognized the center of town in another photo. A parade or a fair or something. There was the library and the post office. She thought she recognized some faces, but she usually recognized most people or at least their relatives.

  She carefully straightened the pile and replaced them in the drawer. There wasn’t much else but some odd scraps of paper and receipts. She closed the drawer and looked back to another red flag on Facebook. She clicked the message indicating Oliver left a comment on her wall. She clicked on the page and read quickly. “Hi Lizzie! Looks like life has been good to you. Drop a line if you ever make it out to Cali.”

  Lizzie felt a lump in her throat. No mention of Ben. He could easily have seen Nora’s pictures of them together. He would know they were together. Would that make Ben angry? Did it matter? Lizzie didn’t tell everyone she knew that she was with Ben. But if they went on Facebook and saw the pictures of them together, it really wouldn’t bother her that much…

  She didn’t understand the acrimony between them and decided it was best not to think about it. She let her mind drift back to other unopened drawers in his apartment. Did any of them have anything in them that would reveal… what did she think she would find? Her eyes wandered through the doorway to the dining room. There was a buffet full of drawers, but no need to keep china. Lizzie left the desk and her coffee chilling under the AC.