An Ever Fixéd Mark

by Jessie Olson

  “I should get dressed,” Lizzie took the bag with her skirt and turned to Nora. “There’s cheese and cut vegetables in the fridge.”

  “I’ll take care of it,” Nora shook her head to a glass of wine as the doorbell rang.

  Lizzie walked quickly up the spiral staircase to her room. She kicked aside the pile of clothes she left on the floor in a dissatisfied attempt to determine an outfit. She was annoyed that a few things were a snug around her waist. Ben entered a minute later and closed the door behind him.

  “I’m sorry. I completely forgot I did that,” Ben laughed at his clumsiness. “I happened to be purchasing something for you the day you called me about Meg’s birthday. And I saw that, so I sent it here – from the both of us.”

  “You bought her a first American edition Byron?” Lizzie let the pettiness show in her face. But it wasn’t petty. He gave Lizzie a book and that was special. It was less special if he gave Meg an antiquated book. A book about a vampire. A book that was their secret.

  “I meant it to be from you as much as me.”

  “I can’t afford that,” Lizzie started taking off her t-shirt and jeans. “And… geez, Ben… she’s not… she’s not your girlfriend.”

  “It’s just a book.” Ben was in good spirits, enough to tolerate her moodiness. He fed before coming to Jefferson Park.

  “Yeah,” Lizzie went to her closet to find the shirt she wanted to go with her skirt.

  “Did you want me to get her something else?”

  “A bottle of wine would have sufficed,” Lizzie muttered. “Or if you wanted to be special, rum.”

  Ben came beside her as she stared at the closet. He rested his hands on her shoulders. Lizzie remained immobile, even as he started kneading the tension from her joints. He slid down her right bra strap and slowly kissed her shoulder. “Ben,” impatiently turned to face him. “I have to get dressed.”

  “Nora can handle things for a little while.”

  Lizzie looked at him and felt the stress return to her shoulders. “Endorphins?”

  “She’s a runner, like you,” Ben smiled as though he had a few drinks.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “It was just a needle,” he pulled her close to him. “But we can both benefit from it.”

  “Not now,” she pushed him away in disgust and took her stockings from her drawer. He watched her roll them over her leg. In her agitation, she ripped a hole and drove a run down the length of her shin. “Fuck.”

  “Yes, let’s,” Ben laughed.

  Lizzie glared at him, grabbed her clothes, and went into the bathroom. She got dressed rapidly and managed to not rip the second pair of hose in her haste. Ben’s eyes softened to apology when she opened the door. “You know it was just a transfusion, Elizabeth.”

  “What happens if a cop pulls you over after you have an endorphin drenched transfusion? Do you get a DUI?” Lizzie growled as she looked for a match to her hoop earring.

  “No,” Ben smiled. “Come on, I’ll make you feel better.”

  “For Christ’s sake, Ben,” Lizzie looked at him hard. “I have a lasagna in the oven. I know you don’t care about such things. But it’s important to me.”

  Ben immediately sobered. She knew he wanted to say something, but was either incapable or afraid of forming the question. He swallowed and let out a painful sigh. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m going to get a glass of wine,” she hissed as she threw on a painful pair of heels and left the bedroom.

  *****

  Two bottles of wine were empty by the time Lizzie cleared the salad plates and brought out the lasagna. Meg’s friends from the university were a boisterous group, especially Didi and Tamara. Lizzie knew them from other gatherings they hosted at Jefferson Park. They both taught in the English department. They met there eight years ago and were married for three. And they both hated Alec McCaffrey. They were kind enough to avoid their favorite bashing – no doubt out of kindness to Jeff, Meg’s date for the evening. Jeff was also a grad student, but not on his second thesis of his second masters like Meg.

  “It’s been too long since we’ve had a party in this house,” Meg sighed as Mark opened another bottle of wine.

  “Are you going to have a Halloween party this year?” Tamara asked.

  “Of course,” Meg didn’t pause for Lizzie’s agreement and listed her favorite costumes.

  “It’s not even a month away,” Lizzie handed a plate of lasagna to Meg.

  “It will give me something to take my mind off…” Meg took a quick bite after a glance to Jeff.

  Lizzie swallowed any urge to protest she didn’t want to cook and be unappreciated by Meg who took her for granted or Ben who just didn’t care. She cut another slice of lasagna and handed it to Nora, who offered a smile of understanding to Lizzie’s unspoken thoughts. “I have some good news,” Nora looked at Lizzie and then the rest of the table. “Kind of appropriate to share at a birthday celebration.”

  “You’re pregnant,” Meg muttered into her wine. Nora looked at Mark and bit her lip. Meg set down her glass. “You haven’t had anything to drink all night, Nora. And we all knew you were going to start trying the moment you got back from your honeymoon.”

  Lizzie swallowed her reply to Meg’s tactlessness. It was her birthday… and the third glass of wine.

  “Congratulations,” Ben broke the weird silence with a lift of his glass. “You must be very happy.”

  “Of course we are!” Nora let the joy explode across her face and dissolved the displeasure with Meg. Mark smiled broader than Lizzie had ever seen him. “We’re almost three months. I know I’m supposed to wait a few more weeks to tell anyone… but I’m just so happy.”

  Lizzie went over to give Nora a hug. “So… that’s the end of April?”

  “April 25,” Mark said proudly. Lizzie turned and hugged him.

  “That’s really great you guys,” Meg followed with her own embraces. “And good news to hear on my birthday.”

  Lizzie took her seat and finished serving the pieces of lasagna, making sure to give Ben a small piece with lots of sauce. Meg and Didi had lots of questions for Nora and Mark, allowing Lizzie to keep silent and drink her wine. She was happy for Nora and Mark, but that joy seemed to just sit in front of her and not go inside of her. Like the lasagna on Ben’s plate that he would never eat.

  *****

  Lizzie looked at the steam clouding her reflection in the window. She shut off the faucet and took another wine glass to wipe out with the soapy cloth. “Elizabeth,” Ben’s voice called suddenly as he came into the kitchen. “Why aren’t you in the living room with everyone else?”

  “Because I won’t enjoy myself knowing there are lots of dishes that need to be cleaned,” she rinsed out the glass. “I actually like washing dishes. It’s one of my favorite parts of a party.”

  “I don’t believe you,” Ben took the towel hanging on the oven railing. “Is that just your excuse to stay in the kitchen?”

  “That’s why it’s my favorite part of the party.”

  “Are you okay?” he took one of the glasses and wiped it dry.

  “I’m fine,” she selected the greasy lasagna pan and decided to attempt to scrub off the melted cheese.

  “I’m…” he looked around to find where to settle the glass.

  “Just put it next to the stove,” Lizzie didn’t look away from the pan.

  “You’ve worked hard today,” he took one of the knives resting in the drainer. Lizzie opened her mouth to say something about how to dry it, but resigned herself to the fact he knew nothing about a kitchen and its maintenance.

  “Meg means a lot to me.”

  “Which is why I… I shouldn’t have gotten the book,” he sighed.

  “She loves it. She really impressed Didi and Tamara. That means a lot to her,” Lizzie concentrated on a stubborn spot of crusted sauce. “It’s okay, Ben. Your heart was in the right place.”

  “But you aren’t. Was it … did Nora’s new
s bother you?”

  “No,” Lizzie lowered her voice in case anyone could hear through the dining room and across the hall in the living room. “Why would it?”

  “You were upset when you saw Will a few weeks ago.”

  “And I told you, I’ve made my choice.”

  “We could…”

  “We could what?’ Lizzie made a harsh whisper. “Before I could even think about any of this, we have to bring family into our … relationship.”

  “Why don’t we?”

  “You want to meet my family?” Lizzie looked at him in disbelief. “And have my family meet yours?’

  Ben shut his eyes and started to speak, but Lizzie cut him off. “And what am I suppose to say? This is Ben, my boyfriend. He’s a vampire. He lives off of peoples’ blood. He can’t die. He doesn’t get old. And this is his brother, Oliver. He killed a teenager from my high school. And he was my lover in a former life. Oh – and he killed me, twice.”

  She held him there, as he helplessly clutched the dishtowel under her angry gaze. He had that same look of wanting to say something, but lacking the ability to begin the articulation of his thought. He shifted his eyes suddenly, prompting Lizzie to turn around and soften her expression to Nora. “Ben, please go rescue Mark. He’s been on good behavior with Meg, but I think he needs a little conversational distraction,” Nora pleaded. “I’ll help Lizzie. I know how to dry the dishes so she doesn’t feel like she needs to wash them all over again… which I’m guessing is an art you still haven’t mastered.”

  Ben managed a smile and surrendered the towel. “I guess not.”

  “Don’t worry. It took me three years of living with her,” Nora beamed broadly as he left the kitchen. “I’m assuming that’s the source of the tension I walked in on? He didn’t touch the knives properly?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m sure Jackie and Meg don’t care when I’m not here,” Lizzie felt badly for causing Nora’s confused frown. “I’m very happy for you and Mark.”

  “I’m over the moon with joy and terrified,” Nora lifted a glass to dry. “You’ll find out someday.”

  “I might not,” Lizzie looked back at the dirty pan.

  “I know you’ve said you weren’t sure you wanted kids,” Nora looked at her. “But even now… with Ben? You guys must have talked about it.”

  “We talked,” Lizzie hardened her shoulders. “He can’t have children.”

  “Oh,” Nora set down the glass. “Well there are other options.”

  “I’m not in any rush to have kids, Nora.”

  “Yeah, but…” Nora lifted the glass again and put it in the cupboard. “You are so good with kids. You had such a way with them at the Village. And when you nannied.”

  “I haven’t nannied in years,” she loosened a stubborn spot of cheese. “Maybe I’m great with kids because I’m not a parent. I’m planning on being the coolest aunt to your kid.”

  “You will be,” Nora hesitated. “And Ben will be a pretty cool uncle. He’s a good guy.”

  “He is a good guy,” Lizzie looked to her reflection in the window, but it was lost in the cloud of steam.

  *****

  She knew he was following her. She didn’t see him in the darkness of the damp evening, but she sensed he was close behind her. She sped up her pace and ran to the narrow corridor between the bushes and the carriage house. She laughed and leaned against the wall of the building as he came around the other side of the greenery. He caught her laughter and stifled it abruptly as he kissed her. His kiss was less tender, but sincere. So sincere she could feel it in her heart. Even as his roughened hands clutched awkwardly at her dress. He was so timid, for such a tall strong man. He was afraid of her.

  Lizzie felt as though she was underwater. She faded away from the kiss and opened her eyes as the warmth dried her throat. It was still dark. Ben was asleep with his back against her. She didn’t remember going to bed. She didn’t remember… the wine swam in her stomach, swirling her brain. She got up quickly and went into her bathroom for some water. She drank two glasses quickly, but not enough to quell the urge to bow her head over the toilet. How much wine did she drink? She never drank that much… at least a bottle. She let herself cry as she fell to the floor and leaned her head against the wall. She brushed away the ends of her hair that clung to her cheek and pulled off her pantyhose throwing them on the floor. Ben clearly wasn’t interested in her that evening… in whatever state he had walked or carried her up the stairs.

  She knew he wouldn’t be. She made the decision to stay up with Didi and Tamara after Mark and Nora made their exit. Meg disappeared with Jeff at some point. Lizzie drank more wine even though she knew she reached her threshold. She knew it would be distasteful to Ben and drank too much to remember when the party ended.

  She remembered the dream, even though it lingered as fragments of the complete story. It felt… she felt the dewy air and the unevenness of his awkward fingers. She saw the glint of moonlight in Oliver’s dark brown eyes. She shut her eyes to escape the glare of the bathroom light and felt the alcohol still swirling in her brain.

  She threw up again, bringing herself back to the unpleasantness of the present. She didn’t want to have that thought about Oliver in her head or the sensation of anything she would want to remember about… her head spun and ached with the dehydration. Why did she do that to herself? It was reckless… and she was beyond reckless damaging behavior to her body. And yet… she was sleeping with a vampire.

  He took care of her. He always put her well being first. He wanted to make her happy. Why? Why did it mean so much to him? Why was he attached to her so completely when, by his own admission, he tried to stay away from her? Did he try to stay away from her simply because of Oliver? Oliver had more devotion to that separation. Even though he had more reason to be with her. Did Melissa Benson purge Oliver of the Lily fixation? Ben didn’t think so. Lizzie knew he worried. Was he worried that Oliver would kill her… or that Oliver would take her away from him?

  Lizzie didn’t want Oliver. She didn’t want another vampire in her life. She loved Ben. She was still angry with him because he just didn’t think about things… that weren’t important to him. That was no different than any other boyfriend… or friend. Meg always annoyed Lizzie with her oblivion. Every single day.

  Her thoughts were a muddle. She was tired. She was still drunk. Her body ached inside and out. Her dream and its sensation filtered in and out of her thinking. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t have been real. There wasn’t a carriage house at the Fulton property. It had to be the Harris carriage house. It made sense because Lily wouldn’t want Annie to find her sneaking about with her sister’s boy. Lizzie was startled awake by the detail that so easily entered her mind. In a panic she rose to her feet and opened the bathroom door. She went to the bed, ready to shake Ben out of his sleep. She stopped as she opened her mouth to call out his name. She didn’t want him to know what she was thinking, what she remembered. She didn’t want to know if the thoughts that entered her brain so suddenly were true. She didn’t want him to know she dreamt of kissing Oliver… and that for a few dwindling moments, she liked it.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Lizzie set down the box of books on the floor and pulled out a couple volumes to place on the shelves. She readjusted the irritating tightness of her jeans. She pulled her sweater down, annoyed with herself for sampling so much of her cooking that week. She was nearing the end of eight weeks and needed to get back to running regularly and eating with more sense. She bent down and picked up a few more copies of The Fulton Family Legacy.

  “Gerard Fulton came in here a few days ago,” Paula entered the gift shop.

  Lizzie laughed as she looked at his name on the binding of the books she placed tightly in the vacant space. “Did he have anything interesting to say?”

  “No, but he was asking after Leslie, the lovely girl who works at the hospital.”

  “Well that’s sweet. I don’t suppose he left me a check fo
r the hospital, did he?” Lizzie was dissatisfied with the shelf she filled. She pulled out the books and decided a better facing was necessary.

  “No,” Paula shook her head. “So you’ll do the noon tour? You can take off after that.”

  “Thanks. I have to go help hang cobwebs,” Lizzie explained. “We should have done something festive in the museum.”

  “I don’t know how we could justify any mention of Halloween in this house, Lizzie,” Paula tried to be serious. “No matter how many times you claim there are ghosts.”

  Lizzie managed another laugh to mask the chill she gave herself. She no longer believed in ghosts. She was afraid of memories. She half hoped her task of the day would be restocking the gift shop and not going through the house on a tour. Not on the day when supposedly the barrier between the living and the dead was weakest.

  She shook her head, cursing herself for that thought when she heard the bell of the door. She finished arranging the books to avoid seeing what tourist walked in to force her confrontation with Lily. Then she heard a familiar voice answer Paula’s ritual greeting.

  “Oliver,” she said almost inaudibly as she turned around.

  “Hi Lizzie,” he smiled genuinely. “How are you?”

  “I’m well,” Lizzie swallowed, aware that Paula was looking at her. “This is Oliver, Ben’s brother.”

  Lizzie could tell by Paula’s expression that she was scanning her memory for a detail. Lizzie hoped that she wouldn’t remember the name Oliver from the information about Raleigh and Eloise Hutchins. “You look familiar,” Paula increased Lizzie’s panic. Was there a picture of Oliver in that pile of papers? “I know,” Paula answered her own question before Oliver could explain anything. “I’ve seen a couple articles about you. You are working on a research project with the San Francisco Museum of Science. It’s been in all sorts of museum newsletters. It has to do with tourism, doesn’t it?’