An Ever Fixéd Mark

by Jessie Olson

  “It’s just another day, Elizabeth,” he rubbed the back of her shoulders. She looked at him and figured if anyone would know that, he would. It was also a Saturday… and if Oliver wanted to see her when he was in town that would be the reason he showed up at the house.

  “I need to start running again. It would make me less grumpy.”

  “If you…” Ben began but stopped as Meg came back into the kitchen.

  “Ben, can you help me move the sofa again? I’ve decided I don’t like where we put it.”

  “Sure,” he followed Meg out of the room. Lizzie took in a breath to stop from screaming after him to not indulge Meg. She knew the anger was irrational. She knew it wasn’t about Ben. And she had food to make.

  *****

  Lizzie wended her way through the crowd of guests back into the kitchen. She traded one dirty platter for the next round of appetizers from the oven. “Hey lovely,” Andrew beamed as she set down the tray on the dining room table. “That was a phenomenal spread. What was it? Cranberries and Swiss?”

  “And a little bit of OJ.”

  “Where’s Ben?”

  “In the living room… somewhere,” Lizzie lost track of Ben in the constant serving of food and greeting of friends. She knew he struck up a conversation with Meg’s friends an hour before and assumed he was still convincing them he was drinking and eating like everyone else.

  “Are you okay?” Andrew touched her shoulder.

  “Of course,” she tried to summon the energy for a smile, but skirted around the table to neaten the arrangement of dishes.

  “You look upset about something,” Andrew set down his martini glass while she wiped some crumbs off the table.

  “I’m just tired.”

  “Something wrong with Ben?”

  “No,” Lizzie shook her head. “He’s perfect. There’s just… it’s been a long day.”

  “I don’t know why you went into the house today. I would have taken your shift,” Andrew took up his glass. “Well, I’m glad there’s nothing wrong with him. I like him too much to let him go if you split.”

  “I would have the same problem,” she fingered a cracker and covered it with cheese. “Did you say your business trip starts tomorrow?”

  “Yes. Davis and I are going to be early birds tonight so I can get up and be at the airport for six.”

  “LA again?” Lizzie remembered the location of Andrew’s company’s headquarters.

  “Yes,” Andrew rolled his eyes.

  “Ben goes back to Chicago next week.”

  “Why don’t you go with him?”

  “November is busy at the office,” Lizzie shook her head. Not that Ben extended the offer. Even though this time it was only a couple days. A couple days every week for the whole month of November.

  “Well, I’m home on Thursday. We’ll cook dinner for Davis.”

  “I’d like that,” Lizzie managed a smile even though she didn’t feel it. She didn’t like to think about the fact Ben was going away. Because in spite of her protest, it wasn’t perfect. He was going away for several days to Chicago. She was irritated that he helped Meg. And now on top of everything else, there was Oliver.

  *****

  Lizzie released a deep sigh as she let down her hair. Her reflection looked tired. There was possibly another ten pounds on her frame. The reflection looked unfamiliar, but maybe that was the makeup. She would start running… on Monday.

  She heard a peel of laughter from downstairs as she wiped off the mascara. She wasn’t interested in returning to the party, even without her costume. She could reasonably disappear. No one would notice. She was invisible for so much of the party, serving food and cleaning up. Andrew and Davis made their earlier exit. Even Ben seemed okay with her absence. She was glad to focus on a purpose and not have the idleness to let her mind fill with the thoughts that were tempting her now that her hair was down and her guests were gone.

  She liked seeing Oliver. There was a terror she only admitted to herself when she speculated the fire irons. But… it was much more familiar than seeing an old high school chum. Seeing him in that house… she had to admit… made the idea of Lily a little less uncomfortable. Lily’s thoughts were strange, but the way they ebbed into her mind so harmlessly…

  She turned suddenly as her door opened and Ben entered. She smiled at him, pushing her contemplation away from immediacy. She saw the burn of his eyes, but knew she was safe with three of Andrew’s martinis. He came immediately to her and started a passionate kiss. She lost all memory of whatever was irritating her about the evening and fell with Ben against the bed.

  Lizzie stared at the green numbers, afraid to close her eyes and see the green hedges on the other side of the Harris’ carriage house. She had enough on her mind to keep her wide awake, thoughts that slowly leaked into her brain after she heard the last of the guests leave and Meg climb the stairs to enter her room. She was exhausted. The alcohol was slowly wearing off. She didn’t want to close her eyes and see…

  “Elizabeth?” Ben whispered. Lizzie wasn’t surprised he was awake. He hadn’t fed and was restless. She stayed silent, uncertain why he wanted to start a conversation in the hour before dawn. He stroked down the side of her cheek. “I can tell by your breathing that you are awake.”

  Lizzie turned into him. She was too tired to show the worry on her face. He looked at her a few more minutes and kissed her lips gently. She reached a hand down between their hips, but he caught it and brought it back to rest on her stomach. She knew that wasn’t what he wanted and felt the fear awaken her. “What is it?” she tried to think how she was going to explain her conversation with Oliver. It was a simple, friendly conversation. There was nothing for which she need feel any shame. They were old high school friends who caught up… about the Fulton House two hundred years ago.

  Ben looked at her and then suddenly shifted back onto his pillow. He looked at the ceiling and took in a deep breath. “Right before I came up here…” he breathed out again. “Meghan kissed me.”

  Lizzie felt the relief of one worry turn into the bitterness of another. “What?”

  He continued to stare at the ceiling. “I didn’t realize you came upstairs. I went to look for you in the kitchen. She was there and she said a few things and then…”

  “You kissed her back.”

  “Lizzie, I’m very sorry.”

  “Meg is vulnerable right now.” Lizzie turned her eyes away from him and followed his gaze towards the ceiling.

  “She was drunk,” Ben argued. “I don’t think she would have done that…”

  “Did she apologize?”

  “I apologized to her.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it was wrong.”

  “Because she tempted you.”

  “Lizzie,” he irritated her with that familiar name. Why was he using it? “I love you.”

  “You wanted to drink her blood.”

  “No.”

  “If she wasn’t drunk, you would have.”

  “No.”

  “Do you kiss any of the others?”

  “Others?”

  “The women from whom you take blood every Saturday.”

  “No, Elizabeth. I haven’t done that since… since I’ve had your blood.”

  “You did it after you slept with me?”

  “You were sleeping with… Elizabeth,” he turned back to her. Lizzie wouldn’t divert her eyes to meet his. He propped himself up on his elbow and leaned over to kiss her again. She didn’t respond. “Those women are… I find other women attractive. I find Meg attractive. But she isn’t… none of them are… I love you.”

  Lizzie pushed him away and sat herself up. She knew she had less right to be angry with him with her secret, but the idea that he found Meg attractive made her ill. Ben sat up beside her and turned her chin back to face him. “Elizabeth, move in with me.”

  Lizzie pushed his hand away and turned from him. “Why are you asking me this now?”

  “I
wanted to ask you many times. I wanted to wait until the next time we shared blood… but… I…”

  “Is this so you won’t be tempted by Meg again?”

  “No,” he said angrily. “Elizabeth, come home with me. I miss you when you aren’t there. I want to wake up with you every day.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I love you.”

  “Why? Why do you love me?”

  “For a lot of reasons.”

  “Because I let you feed from me when I have an endorphin rush? Or… is it vengeance against Oliver?”

  Ben got out of the bed and walked across the room. He got halfway dressed and then looked up to glare at her through the darkness. “Why would you say that?”

  “It seems to be the way of you vampires,” Lizzie said cruelly. “Charlotte turned Oliver into a vampire to get back at him for stealing Lily. You obviously don’t like Oliver. Is that because you are still loyal to Charlotte? You found out I was Lily and kept him away from me. Was that to avenge Charlotte’s murder? Or because two hundred years ago Charlotte chose Oliver and cast you aside?”

  “Don’t you think I kept Oliver away from you because I was afraid he would hurt you?” he looked at her, the anger still fueling his eyes. Lizzie felt a chill shudder her body. She left the bed, searching amongst the pile on the floor for a shirt to cover her. Ben was still waiting for her answer when she was dressed. “What do you think, Elizabeth? Do you think I’m not capable of loving someone just for the sake of loving them? Don’t you think that because I love you I want you to be safe? That I think of someone other than myself and my petty anger?”

  Lizzie swallowed and walked towards her dresser, not ready to answer him. He grabbed her arm and forced her to look in his hungry eyes. “Or is it that you don’t know what it is to love someone that much? Maybe, Lizzie, you expect me to be unfaithful because cheating comes so easily to you.”

  Lizzie shoved him away from her. “Get out.”

  Ben took the rest of his clothes and headed towards the door. He paused before opening it. Lizzie wanted him to say something more. She was hurt by what he said, but she wanted him to say something… something to prove that Oliver was wrong. That Ben wasn’t keeping things from her. That he… really loved her. She knew she hurt him… but hurting him was a way of proving that. He looked down after his pause and then walked out the door.

  Lizzie collapsed onto the floor and stared out the window, watching the sun rise slowly into the day.

  She didn’t sleep. She gave up hope of finding its escape and comfort by 7 o’clock. She went downstairs and finished cleaning the remnants of the party Meg felt were acceptable to leave behind. She wondered if Meg was still awake when she and Ben fought. She wondered if Meg felt any guilt for kissing her boyfriend. Or if Meg thought Lizzie wasn’t good enough for someone like Ben.

  She was angry. She knew most of it was at herself. She knew she was a hypocrite for hating Ben and Meg for a moment. A moment he walked away from. A moment he would not conceal from her. Lizzie wouldn’t tell Ben about Oliver, but she let herself make accusations based on what Oliver said. But the very fact that Ben … he didn’t deny kissing Meg back. If he could do that knowing it would hurt Lizzie, what else could he do that would hurt her?

  She didn’t want to face Meg… whenever she decided to get herself out of bed. Lizzie took a quick shower and called Nora, who offered to get Lizzie and excuse Mark from helping to register for baby products.

  Nora stared at the wall of baby strollers and clutched her scanner expectantly. She darted her eyes over the inventory and glanced down at her piece of paper before scanning a blue stroller. “Mark’s sister-in-law uses that one. She loves it.”

  “I’m surprised you didn’t ask her to come with you instead,” Lizzie glanced at the baby swings as they turned down another aisle. “She probably has a better idea what to suggest than I do.”

  “She’s less fun,” Nora smiled. “Besides, you’ve been a nanny. You know a lot about kids.”

  “That was years ago.”

  “You needed to get out of that house,” Nora looked down the aisle, but was satisfied with that section of the store. “I’m not surprised she did it.”

  “Ben did it, too.”

  “She was drunk and… Ben wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “Meg has been my friend for fourteen years.”

  “And since when has that given pause to her libido?” Nora charged down the next aisle, hosting a display of feeding products. “Do you really think Ben would want someone like Meg?”

  “Are you going to breast feed?” Lizzie distracted herself by pulling a breast pump off the display hook.

  “Yes,” Nora scanned it after a look at Lizzie. “It’s weird to think about, isn’t it?”

  “Not really,” Lizzie picked up some bottles to suggest to Nora.

  “I suppose it’s natural. Babies feed off their mothers while they’re in the womb. It’s just strange to think there is a little being who will be dependent on my bodily fluid for survival.”

  “There are alternatives if you don’t want to do it, Nora.”

  “No,” she looked at a set of breast pads. “It’s a bonding experience.”

  “It is,” Lizzie faded. She thought of her blood speeding up the rhythm of Ben’s heart. Did Ben feel that bond with his other sources?

  “This whole experience is fascinating… and weird,” Nora scanned the breast pads and a package of membranes. “The fact that we can nourish another being… that sounds gross.”

  “No.” Lizzie couldn’t mask her dejection. Lizzie turned into the next aisle and found a diaper bag for Nora’s approval.

  Nora smiled broadly at the classic green appearance. “Mark won’t hesitate to carry this around.”

  “Do you want to know the sex?”

  “I’m scheduled for another ultrasound in two weeks,” Nora let the grin escape her. “Mark and I are still debating if we want to know before delivery.”

  “Either way it’s good news.” Lizzie’s eyes blurred the colors of the diaper bags together.

  “Oh Lizzie,” Nora touched her shoulder as Lizzie’s phone rang.

  “It’s Ben,” Lizzie didn’t take the phone out to look.

  “I can talk to him if you don’t want to.”

  “I’ll talk to him,” Lizzie let the tears surface in her eyes. “I’ll be right back.”

  Lizzie rushed towards the store entrance and answered before it went to voice mail. “Ben.”

  She heard the long exhale before he spoke. “Hi Elizabeth.”

  “I can’t talk long. I’m shopping with Nora.”

  “Good,” he paused. “I have an appointment at the clinic… but maybe you … will you come over after?”

  “I don’t know,” Lizzie leaned against the exterior of the store and watched a young couple go in with two infants. “I didn’t sleep very much last night.”

  “I was hoping we could talk.”

  “We’re talking now,” she blinked her eyes so the exiting customers wouldn’t see her tears.

  “I …” he cleared his throat. “I regret what I said before I left last night. I want you to know that. I don’t want another day to pass with you thinking that I really think you are… Elizabeth, I don’t want to be with you so I can hurt Oliver.”

  Lizzie breathed out. She couldn’t form any words to respond to him. She knew this was the opportunity for honesty… but it was even less ideal to mention that she saw Oliver at the Fulton House, as neutral and amicable as their conversation was. She didn’t want to say it on the phone, without him in front of her. Did that not make some of his harsh words ring true? She hadn’t kissed Oliver as he kissed Meg, but wasn’t she the one being deceitful?

  “Ben,” she stared at the sidewalk beneath her. “We both said hurtful things last night. I had no right to… say such an awful thing.”

  “You were hurt,” Ben said with understanding, but not forgiveness.

  “I was…”

/>   “I shouldn’t have told you that in the middle of the night…and followed it up with a plea to come live with me,” Ben didn’t allow her to finish her thought. “I want you to live here, Elizabeth. I meant what I said.”

  Lizzie dared to lift her eyes, catching the sun and making her head spin. “Ben, I’m very confused right now.”

  “You know I love you.”

  “I know,” Lizzie took in a deep breath. “I don’t want this to be a choice I make to avoid Meg.”

  “That’s fair.”

  “I am thinking about it,” her eyes softened as a cloud muted the glare of the sun. “I’ve got to make things right with Meg before… before I make any decisions.”

  “Okay.”

  “I… I think maybe we should attempt some sort of human relationship. Will you come to Thanksgiving and meet my crazy relatives?”

  “Of course,” his tone lightened. “My trips to Chicago will be over by then.”

  “Right,” Lizzie sighed. She let herself forget he was spending much of his November screening blood donors in Chicago. How many would he sample personally? “You’re leaving Tuesday?”

  “In the morning. I’ll be back on Friday.”

  “I want to see you before you go,” Lizzie forgot all her anger with a pang of longing.

  “I’ll be home from the clinic around three.”

  “I’ll have lunch with Nora and go home to get my car and some clothes. Although I might fall asleep when I get there,” she yawned.

  “That’s okay. As long as you are here.”

  Lizzie said goodbye to Ben and went back to Nora, finished with her registry. Lizzie explained the apologies of her phone call over a leisurely lunch, but still managed to dodge every significant element of what was troubling her. She wanted to tell Nora… but how could she even begin to describe Lily and Oliver and all that?

  Nora dropped Lizzie off without going inside. She was still angry with Meg. And much though Lizzie hoped to avoid an encounter, she knew she was just going to have to face it, especially when Meg was standing at the top of the stairs waiting for her.