An Ever Fixéd Mark

by Jessie Olson

  “Oliver,” Lizzie tightened her grip on her purse. “When you came to the Fulton House, you said I should be careful of Ben. Why did you say that?”

  Oliver looked back at the windshield. “You should be careful, Lizzie,” he said sincerely. “You should be careful sitting here with me. You should always be aware. Ben sees me a certain way and expects me to do things that will prove his opinion correct. I don’t blame him entirely. I don’t think it’s fair all the time. I’m glad that you are asking me questions so that I can give you a different version of the story.”

  “Is that all?” Lizzie held her breath.

  “My wounded ego is a pretty big deal, Lizzie,” he laughed. He looked out the driver side window at a car that passed along the street. “You know, the thing is, Lily was as much a sister to me as a lover. I could talk with her about anything. She always listened to me. She just listened and never passed judgment. When she was gone, I didn’t have that any more. I didn’t have anyone who would listen to me.”

  “That’s because you killed her,” Lizzie hardened her jaw.

  Oliver looked at her. “She also never hesitated to tell me when I was losing perspective,” Oliver smiled, softening Lizzie’s harsh expression. “I don’t know how this reincarnation thing works, Lizzie, but that’s the part of Lily that seems to be living in you.”

  She managed a confused smile. The conversation was so surreal, talking about deaths with which Oliver had a hand, direct or indirect. She wanted to know those details. She did think at the end of the day that he was a good soul, who meant well … but, like Meg, got in trouble by making the wrong decision. Meg’s trouble usually only involved too much alcohol or a poor taste in men. Oliver’s resulted in consequences far more severe, that affected and hurt other people.

  She knew he paid her a kind compliment. He attributed something that he admired in Lily to something he… respected in her. He thought of Lily as a sister. Did that mean that was how he saw her? It wasn’t an inappropriate thought, even with Ben. Especially with Ben.

  His smile weakened with her silence. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that?”

  Lizzie lifted her shoulders. “I don’t know what the rules are for this,” she said helplessly even though she was pretty certain she was breaking them anyway.

  “It’s late,” Oliver fingered the keys hanging from the ignition.

  “Thanks for the ride,” Lizzie opened the door.

  “Let me know about tomorrow.”

  “Good night, Oliver,” Lizzie left the car. He waited until she closed the door of the house behind her.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Lizzie leaned her head back and looked up to the T Rex towering above them. “I remember this from when I was a kid,” she lowered her chin and smiled at Oliver.

  “It is pretty impressive.”

  “Did you ever come here on a field trip?”

  “I don’t think Springs brought us here.”

  “No. Elementary school. We had a sleepover here.” Lizzie stopped in front the exhibit on fossils. “You never went to elementary school.”

  “I didn’t even know how to read when I changed.”

  “Is that why Lily read to you?”

  “Yes,” Oliver looked down at the description of the Mesozoic Era. “I learned how to read so I could remember her books.”

  “How many times did you go to college?”

  “Twice. Law school took a long time,” he rolled his eyes.

  “Where?”

  “Stanford,” Oliver moved to the next placard.

  “When did you go to California?”

  “After Eloise,” Oliver walked into the next gallery.

  Lizzie pretended to read more on dinosaurs but the words didn’t sink into her brain. She followed Oliver’s path and saw him staring at another glass case. “I didn’t go right to California.” Lizzie saw his reflection in the glass. “I took my time getting across the country. I was in New York for a few years first.”

  “What were you doing?”

  “I was an actor,” he winked and moved to the next case. “I enrolled in Stanford University in 95. I graduated from law school in 04.”

  Lizzie bit her lip. That wouldn’t be too unusual a phrase coming from someone who looked Oliver’s age. But Lizzie knew that the century was different from what any casual eavesdropper would surmise. “And you became a lawyer?”

  “Indeed.”

  “For how long?”

  “Fifteen years or so,” Oliver led her towards the next display. “Then I invested in the movies.”

  “You’re kidding?”

  “Nope,” he laughed. “I lost a lot of money.”

  “You didn’t get rich?”

  “I told you I don’t have Ben’s head for business,” he glanced briefly at the levers and pulleys. “But then Charlotte came back.”

  “Oh.”

  “She was successful as an actress. They loved her youthful appearance. It was perfect for silent movies. She loved Hollywood in the 20’s,” Oliver looked at the empty gallery around them. A guide entered with a group of school children in the room, filling the air with a hum of sound. “She liked all the chorus girls.”

  “Charlotte was a lesbian?” Lizzie said as the guide came to a lull, fearing it echoed over the tour.

  Oliver laughed and put his hand behind her to direct her to the next gallery. “Charlotte had more female lovers. When it came to blood, I don’t think she had a preference.”

  “You were her lover?” Lizzie looked at a photograph of cells, realizing they were in an exhibit about blood.

  “On and off for several years,” Oliver looked at her and not the exhibit.

  “Did you love her?”

  “Yes.”

  “More than Lily?” Lizzie said it before thinking.

  “No.”

  Lizzie sat on the bench in the center of the empty room. She looked at the map she picked up at reception, not registering her location in relation to the giant T Rex. “Why did you…”

  Oliver sat beside her and looked up at the ceiling before fixing his eyes on her again. “Charlotte was a monster, Lizzie. She was here too long. She lost her humanity. I think she lost it even before she met Lily, even though she claimed to have human emotion for her. She was cruel.”

  “Women are cruel,” Lizzie thought of her own heartlessness to Mike’s girlfriend. “Was she unfaithful to you?”

  “Always. As was I to her. But that wasn’t…” Oliver took the map from Lizzie’s hands and stared at it. “It was about Lily.”

  Lizzie wanted to ask him to explain, but she heard a voice telling her to let him be.

  “I don’t ever want to be like that,” he shook his head.

  “Like what?”

  “Like Charlotte. I don’t want to live too long,” he stood and went back to the display.

  “Why would anyone want to be a vampire?” Lizzie asked as a couple walked into the room.

  Lizzie felt her cheeks burn but managed a pleasant smile as they walked over to read the placards. She felt Oliver’s hand gently touch her shoulder and urge her out of her seat. “Want to get out of here?”

  The November wind softened to a milder, but damp temperature. Lizzie appreciated it as they walked silently along the Charles for a half hour. Lizzie had too many thoughts in her head to know when or how to start the next conversation. “Are you okay?” Oliver finally turned to her. “You looked a little green in there.”

  “I don’t know what I feel,” Lizzie kept walking. The rhythm of her steps was a healthy distraction from letting any thought take hold and develop an uncomfortable emotion. “I still don’t know how Lily is me. How do you know that she is me?”

  “You called me Thomas.”

  “What?” Lizzie stopped her distracting paces.

  “My given name is Thomas Oliver.”

  “When did I call you Thomas?”

  “During a debate on euthanasia. It was... I think our first debate.”
/>
  “Was there anyone in the debate club called Thomas?” Lizzie searched her memory for any Thomas she knew in high school.

  “No,” Oliver shook his head. “You looked at me to argue a point for it. You addressed me – quite respectfully – as Thomas. Nobody else noticed.”

  “Ben said I wrote an essay and described the Fulton parlor in vivid detail.”

  “Yes. He told me that.”

  “So you both knew… and I had no idea.”

  “No idea?”

  “Well, I didn’t know what those things meant. I always had vivid dreams. I also have a theatrical imagination… so I’ve never thought very much about it.”

  “You probably didn’t believe in it.”

  “I didn’t believe in vampires.”

  “How did you find out?”

  “Ben told me.”

  “Did you believe him?”

  “No,” Lizzie shoved her hands in her pocket and went to a nearby bench. “So I stuck out my wrist and told him to drink my blood.”

  “Really?” Oliver laughed and slowly sat next to her on the bench.

  ”I thought he was married.”

  “I was surprised he started seeing you.”

  “Why?”

  “The Melissa thing freaked him out. He kept telling me we needed to leave you be and let you live your life.”

  “I’m glad he changed his mind,” Lizzie sighed. “My life has … it’s like a completely different reality before Ben told me what he was. I didn’t like that reality. I wanted to get rid of the life I had.”

  “You have the same job, the same apartment… the same city.”

  “That’s all just scenery,” Lizzie fingered a piece of paper inside her pocket. “I was so unhappy… and lost. I kept falling for these real jerks. I was a jerk, too. I still am.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because Ben doesn’t know I’m sitting here.”

  “Right,” Oliver nodded. “Will you tell him?”

  “I will,” Lizzie breathed out. “I will. On Thanksgiving.”

  “Why Thanksgiving?”

  “Because he is coming home to meet my parents. Then I’m going to tell him that I will move to Cambridge,” Lizzie felt a breath of relief telling Oliver. She told someone. She drew the line in the sand.

  “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks,” Lizzie smiled. “Do you think the two of you will ever… speak again?”

  “Do you want us to?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’ll be here briefly after Thanksgiving. Maybe we can get together.”

  Lizzie breathed out through another smile. “Good,” she rose to resume their walk along the Charles. She let the silence fill the moments between their steps. The buzz of approaching rush hour sped along Memorial Drive. She thought of her runs along the river and seeing Ben.

  Oliver looked at the Harvard buildings. He took a few thoughtful steps and shifted his eyes back to Lizzie. “Before Ben, were you dating anyone?”

  “Not really.”

  “Not at all? No boyfriend since high school?”

  “I wasn’t… I wasn’t the most attractive person, Oliver,” Lizzie felt the drive to speed up her pace.

  “You didn’t see yourself as attractive.”

  “I suppose that’s true. I never had a real interest in dating anyone. My friend Meg always had enough romance for the both of us… and I’ve never really had a lot of faith in happily ever after.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “I always thought it was because of my parents…” Lizzie stopped and looked at Oliver. “But now I’m starting to think there were other memories.”

  “Something changed your determination,” Oliver stopped alongside her.

  “I met this guy…” Lizzie looked at Oliver’s dark hair and eyes, seeing the resemblance to Will right in front of her. “I had a devastating infatuation with him. I thought he was my…” Lizzie faded as so many other thoughts in her mind started to fade under the gaze of Oliver’s dark eyes. “I thought Will was my soul mate.”

  “He wasn’t?”

  “Hardly,” Lizzie shook herself out of her lapse and started walking again. “He was just very charming. It turned out he had a thing for someone else.”

  “He broke your heart.”

  Lizzie felt the sympathy of his glance. A silent understanding she neither asked for nor was surprised to find in his eyes. “I think it was the first domino of many changes. It provoked me to run and shed the hated weight I battled my whole life. That gave me confidence enough to ask Ben to dance and… come find him here.” Lizzie felt a sudden chill as the wind shuddered across the river. She realized the warmth of the sun had nearly disappeared behind the horizon. “It’s getting cold.”

  “Where do we go next?”

  “I should get some dinner,” she cleared her throat, almost hoping he would take the cue.

  “Let’s go find some,” he smiled, making her relieved he didn’t get the hint.

  *****

  Lizzie was grateful Oliver received a phone call and excused himself from the table to answer it. It allowed her the chance to take four bites of her hamburger and a few fries to absorb the pint and a half of beer she consumed while sharing details of the past fifteen years. She did most of the talking, sharing stories of her days at the Village with Meg and Nora, almost all of Meg’s agony and ecstasy in the name of love, and the trivia of gala planning at Mt. Elm. She realized as she finally chewed her lukewarm burger that she hadn’t felt that at ease in a conversation in many years… or perhaps, ever. She felt she could tell Oliver anything. That he was, in fact, like her brother.

  “Sorry about that. I had to finalize some of my New York plans,” Oliver returned to their booth.

  “No worries,” Lizzie set down her burger.

  “You should keep eating,” Oliver laughed. “Don’t stop because of me.”

  “I’m just a little hungry.”

  “Okay.”

  “Are the friends you’re meeting also… are they vampires?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you know them when you lived in New York?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good friends?”

  “One is a former lover,” Oliver touched the perspiration on his untouched beer.

  “Oh.”

  “I changed her.”

  Lizzie felt her cheeks burn. “How many have you changed?”

  “Just two,” Oliver lowered his eyes. Lizzie wondered if he was remembering their conversation in the museum or the explanation of Melissa Benson.

  “But…” Lizzie felt the thought escape before she completely registered it in her mind. “You … you don’t want to stay with them forever?”

  “Forever is an awfully long time,” Oliver looked to the stage where the band was checking sound.

  “Yes, but… why did you change them?”

  “Rachel was also an actress. She was in the silent movies, first in New York then in Los Angeles. She didn’t want to grow old. She’s a little vain, actually. I thought I was in love with her. I thought I wanted to spend – well, yes, maybe I did think I wanted to spend forever with her. But after five years, we really didn’t have very much to say to one another. Plus, there was still…”

  “Charlotte?”

  “Yes. Charlotte,” Oliver glanced back at the stage as a high pitched chirp came from the microphone. “She went back to New York. I stayed in LA until I came back to go to Springs.”

  “What about Alison?”

  Oliver let out a smile, showing affection Lizzie almost wished didn’t exist. “Alison was a surprise. She was in a seminar I was teaching. She knew what I was. I didn’t have to explain anything to her,” Oliver faded into his smile. Lizzie felt suddenly foolish. Melissa Benson knew. Oliver’s wife knew. Neither was as oblivious as Lizzie to this sub-culture. They didn’t feel the need to reveal a wrist and make the vampire prove it. Supposedly Lizzie knew vampires in not just one life, but thre
e. Was she really that dense? Or was she trying to protect herself from something she didn’t want to know?

  “Was she a source before you changed her?” Lizzie forced herself to ask another question for which she didn’t really want the answer.

  “She was,” Oliver explained slowly as the band tested the bass. “I miss the taste of her blood.”

  “Then why did you?”

  “Because I thought … I saw us together for a long time.”

  “But not forever?”

  “No. Not forever.”

  “So why isn’t she here with you?”

  “Because she fell in love with one of her sources,” Oliver answered as the band revved into the first song.

  Lizzie looked at her hamburger and forced herself to take a bite of her cold meal. She swallowed it down with a large gulp of stout and turned her attention to the music playing. She didn’t know the band. She couldn’t follow the lyrics as her head clouded with all the information of the past two days and the deafening pulse of the speakers. She mindlessly consumed the rest of her beer and half of Oliver’s as the band completed their first four songs.

  “So… are you still with you wife?” Lizzie asked the question she held on her tongue.

  “No,” Oliver answered as the lead shouted out the start of the fifth song.

  Lizzie reached for Oliver’s beer and swallowed the remaining half. Her cheeks flared with the warmth of the alcohol and the lingering wind burn. She barely noticed the detail of the remaining four songs. For two of them, she dared herself to observe Oliver bouncing his head. He didn’t seem upset by his revelation. Did he not care? Why did he not care? Had Alison hurt him by leaving… or was he relieved? Did that give him the freedom to pursue other interests? Like his doctoral thesis? Or the chance to meet what Lily had become in a new century?

  She was still lost in the whirlpool of her thoughts when the band cleared the stage. Oliver took the bill on the table and paid it with a credit card or cash… or something. It was all a blur. The day started to meld together in a strange cocktail of emotion and memory. She didn’t feel herself emerge until they stepped out into the brisk evening.

  “Shall I take you home?”