An Ever Fixéd Mark

by Jessie Olson

  He let her go, took his hat, and left the room. She cried again, afraid that she drove him away. She wanted the green eyes to come back. She had to protect Harriet, but would risk her safety if it meant those eyes would look at her again.

  *****

  Lizzie saw the dead leaves rustle in the wind across the driveway. It was the only sound on the street. Strange for a Saturday afternoon in early March. She glanced at her phone and checked the time she called for the cab. It had been fifteen minutes. They said ten. She figured it would be twenty. She wasn’t in a panic. She just didn’t want to linger forever outside the house.

  The night and the morning were a blur. She felt the stiffening of muscles she hadn’t stretched in a long time. She knew she slept a little – enough to dissipate the alcohol from her bloodstream. Probably just over an hour to quiet her mind and fade out the tornado of images. The night and the morning were a blur. When she opened her eyes in the guest room… she assumed it was a guest room, she found her clothes neatly arranged by a pile of towels. She didn’t find Claire in the big house after she showered and dressed. She wasn’t in the library or the foyer or any room below, none of which showed the remnants of the night before. Not even the pretty green bottle and spoon.

  She found her coat on a table in the foyer with a number to call for a cab. It was written on the back of a calling card for Claire Chamberlain, with her phone and email. There was an option, if Lizzie decided to take it, to contact her again.

  On it was a date Lizzie calculated to nine weeks. Lizzie couldn’t process that thought. She couldn’t move forward to think about the future. The past became so vividly apparent at that house. Images that had nothing to do with the female vampire. What was it about that night that made Lily’s mind so clear? Was it the surreal circumstance of the evening? Was it the absinthe? Was it that Lizzie abandoned her conscious and just gave into her body? Had her encounter with Claire opened up that part of her mind? Did she just need something else to put her into Lily’s head and feel her sensations, feel her joy, feel her pain?

  She glanced at her phone again. She wanted to call Ben. She wanted to ask him if he understood this. If he was as aware of Matthew Chamberlain and his wife as they were of him. If he knew other vampires who mated with lovers they had in several lifetimes, in the form of different bodies, but always the same soul. Maybe the Chamberlains were unique. Maybe more were like Oliver who went from mate to mate to mate looking for something they would never find. And when they realized what they wanted that person to be and she wasn’t… she died.

  The stillness of the air settled as the leaves stopped moving. Why couldn’t she see all of Lily’s thoughts? Why did they only come in pieces? Why didn’t she have the complete memory? There was more, more than she had ever seen or known or felt. But there was still something missing. Something the absinthe didn’t let her see. What was Lily hiding? Why did she agree to marry Oliver if the green eyes haunted her thoughts as much as they haunted Lizzie? What did the green eyes do? Why didn’t Lily want to remember the reason she chose Tom? Was she ashamed? Or was she scared?

  She heard the car come down the road and saw it slow in front of the driveway. She looked back briefly to the house. A small part of her wondered if there was still a key to Lily’s thoughts inside. Was there enough of the green bottle left to bring her back to the Fulton house again? She saw the cab idling and decided to go home.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Lizzie lifted a piece of asparagus from the plate and carefully wrapped it with pastry dough. She set it on the baking sheet and stopped before picking up the next slender green stalk.

  “So when are you coming back to the Fulton House?” Andrew carefully cut his scones into small triangles.

  “I like having Saturdays free.”

  “Free for what?” Andrew raised an eyebrow. “You’re less cranky. Are you seeing someone?”

  Lizzie picked up another slender green stalk and pursed her lips. “No.”

  “Are you screwing anyone?” he laughed and took another section of dough to shape.

  She looked at him briefly, knowing of all her friends Andrew wouldn’t raise his eyebrow at her night of absinthe the previous weekend. Well, leaving out the part about the blood and flashbacks to another life. “Andrew,” she set another finished piece on the baking sheet. “I’m less grumpy because I’m having fun. I enjoy cooking with you.”

  “I enjoy it, too, lovely,” he leaned across the island and kissed her cheek.

  “Then why don’t we do it more often?”

  “Cook for your friends’ baby showers?”

  “Or any shower. Or any wedding. Or any party,” Lizzie took in a deep breath. “Why DON’T we start a business, Andrew?”

  “We’ve always said …”

  “We’ve always said. Why don’t we do it?” Lizzie wiped her buttery hands on a towel and got the pile of papers from her bag. “I’ve been doing some research. I think we could qualify for a business loan. We’d have to start part time to keep our jobs… but, Andrew, we could do it.”

  “You’re serious.”

  “Yes. Yes, I am,” Lizzie added determination to the thoughts she let roll about in her brain since she decided to change the resemblance of her life to Lily’s.

  Andrew froze a look towards her. “I’d have to talk to Davis.”

  “Of course.”

  “But, he does his theater and doesn’t make any money. I can do this and… hell, we could make money.”

  “That is the point.”

  “God, I hate my job.”

  “It would be hard work, Andrew,” Lizzie looked at the papers. “But, I’ve planned so many events at the hospital. You have an exquisite eye for presentation. And we both know flavor. We should… we should at least try.”

  Andrew broke into a broad smile. Lizzie knew it was not just a twist of his charm. “Let’s do it.”

  “We could cook Davis dinner tonight and sweeten the deal.”

  “I’ll make his favorite pasta alfredo. You want to make that torte he loves so much?” Andrew winked. “He won’t be able to refuse.”

  “I like the way you think, Andrew,” Lizzie returned to her asparagus.

  Andrew took his full tray and put it into the oven. He paused and turned carefully. “I saw that Ben’s place sold this week.”

  Lizzie swallowed, losing the glow of confidence. It was information she was going to have to process sooner or later. “Oh?”

  “I saw the sign … no word from him?”

  “He moved to Chicago, Andrew,” Lizzie concentrated on her hors d’oeuvres.

  “Yeah, but … never mind,” Andrew shook his head. Lizzie wished he finished his thought. She knew she had no right for that expectation. Not when she left out so much information with her friends all the time. They knew nothing, nothing about what plagued her mind. She couldn’t even tell Andrew the primary motivation for her sudden devotion to starting a business. And yet… if it succeeded, hopefully she could go back to having a life where she didn’t have to lie to her friends. Where she could just be Elizabeth Watson and not have to worry about what her friends might say if they knew what she did after a book signing. She hoped, but she knew no matter how much she threw herself into this project, she could never go back to what it was before she knew Lily.

  *****

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do with all this,” Nora sighed as they entered the condo after the third trip back to Lizzie’s car.

  “You will find a place for it,” Lizzie dropped the gift bag by the coffee table. “You’ll keep yourself busy for the next few weeks arranging it all.”

  “Mark will help me,” Nora went to the kitchen. Lizzie followed and accepted a glass of seltzer. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

  “Your mother’s cake filled me to the brim.”

  “It was a good cake, but not as good as the rest of the food,” Nora put the seltzer back in the refrigerator. “I’m glad you and Andrew are finally putting
your talents to use. I told my aunts of your plans. They want to hire you.”

  “One of them took my phone number,” Lizzie let the smile and not the lump in her throat overtake her.

  “I imagine I am going to see you even less if you are working and starting a business,” Nora walked back towards the living room.

  “I will make time for you Nora,” Lizzie sat between the bags on the couch. “Especially when the baby comes.”

  “We’ve haven’t seen you very much lately,” Nora sat on the one chair in the living room not covered with presents. “Are you seeing someone?”

  “No.” Why did all her friends make the same assumption? They knew she was training for a marathon.

  “Not even one of the doctors?” Nora looked over her seltzer glass.

  “I thought you didn’t approve of casual affairs with Mt. Elm personnel.”

  “I don’t,” Nora sighed. “It’s just… you look lonely, Lizzie.”

  “I’m where I have to be right now, Nora. I’m training. And you’re right. It will be a lot of effort to get the business started. I don’t have time to date.”

  Nora caught herself and stopped the frown. “Are you still in love with Ben?”

  Lizzie looked at Nora. She blinked her eyes quickly to stop tears from forming. “Yes.”

  “Then why don’t you go back to him?’

  “Because he moved to Chicago.”

  “He did?”

  “Yeah,” Lizzie breathed out. She avoided sharing that detail with Nora, knowing she wouldn’t be as sympathetic as everyone else.

  “But I just saw him.”

  “You saw Ben?”

  Nora narrowed her eyes at Lizzie as if trying to determine the reason for a falsehood. “Yes, I saw him at the grocery store.”

  “The grocery store?”

  “Yes,” Nora continued without any clue why that detail should be so odd.

  “What was he doing there?”

  “Buying groceries, I assume.”

  “Are you sure it was him?”

  “Yes, I’m sure,” Nora was almost irritated at the answer. “We spoke for a few minutes.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He asked about the baby. And he asked how you were. I told him about your running.”

  “Did he say anything else?”

  “Well, I said that you and Andrew were thinking of starting a business.”

  Lizzie tried to calm her breath without making it look too obvious. Why was he back in the Boston area? Why was he in a grocery store where Nora would shop? Why didn’t he try to see her? “Did he look well?”

  “He looked tired. He said he was working a lot, so I imagine that had something to do with it. He’s still… Lizzie, I really don’t understand why you ended that.”

  “No,” Lizzie picked up one of the overly packed gift bags and started pulling out bottles and burping cloths to put on the coffee table. “I don’t think you would.”

  “You hurt him pretty badly.”

  “I know.”

  “Why?”

  “I can’t explain it.”

  “Was it the… was it about kids?”

  “What?”

  “You said that he couldn’t have children. And I wondered if… seeing me… did that make you want a baby, Lizzie? Did that make you have second thoughts about Ben?”

  “Children…” Lizzie looked up blankly. “Children were one of the thoughts I had… but a very small reason compared with the rest.”

  “Which is?”

  “Nora, you wouldn’t understand.”

  “Try me.”

  Lizzie’s eyes watered and looked away from Nora. She wanted to say something. It was easy to tell Claire. But she was a vampire. She knew about past lives. How could Lizzie tell Nora about Lily? “I can’t talk about it.”

  “That’s lame,” Nora was annoyed. “I think you were a real shit to him, Lizzie.”

  Lizzie looked at Nora blankly. She didn’t know what to say.

  “I know that was harsh. But he… would you think about giving it another try?”

  “I have thought,” Lizzie swallowed. “I think about it every day.”

  “Then why don’t you call him?”

  “It isn’t that easy.”

  “It is easy,” Nora grabbed Lizzie’s purse and found her phone. She opened it up and then stopped suddenly. “Are you worried about Meg?”

  “Meg? No,” Lizzie exclaimed, realizing Nora probably wasn’t privy to Meg’s study sessions. “Why does this matter so much to you?”

  “I don’t know,” Nora shrugged. “I guess… well I think you two were meant to be together. I don’t normally buy into that sort of thing… but it just seemed so … like you were waiting for him all that time. And then when you were ready, he was there. And when he was there, he made you so happy. Like you found the perfect fit for your unique self.”

  “That’s what I think about you and Mark.”

  “Yeah,” Nora glanced down. “I feel that way about Mark… and maybe I need you to work this out to prove that perfect fits stay together.”

  “Are you and Mark…”

  “No,” Nora shook her head and smiled. “This baby makes it even more perfect. But… Lizzie… it seems to go against nature for you to not be with him. It just doesn’t seem right.”

  “I thought you didn’t believe in fate and destiny and all that.”

  “I don’t … most of the time. I want to believe it about you and Ben. You are miserable without him. It’s like you’ve lost a part of yourself.”

  “I’ll get over it.”

  “No, Lizzie. I don’t think you will,” Nora looked down. “You could always adopt, you know.”

  “It isn’t… I know,” Lizzie sighed. “Nora, it’s more complicated than children.”

  “If you love him, you will work it out.”

  “I want to believe that, Nora,” Lizzie let out a sad sigh.

  “Then make it happen,” Nora gave her the phone with Ben’s number ready to dial. “He will forgive you.”

  “He came back and didn’t want to see me,” Lizzie protested. “I hurt him too much, Nora. He doesn’t want me back.”

  Lizzie looked at the number on the screen. It would be easy to press send. But then what would she say? She had too much to say. Things didn’t make sense to her yet. He could help her understand. Suddenly the phone vibrated indicating a call from Andrew. Lizzie dodged Nora’s eyes and took it to indulge his questions about the food.

  *****

  Lizzie felt the relief of the cool evening air. She was glad to escape and bring the signs and lingering paperwork to her car. The stuffy corridor of the Cardiac Center started to make her head spin. Well, that, and Eric’s arrival. Maybe it was because Dr. Chiang was preoccupied with keeping Gerard Fulton company… or maybe he was still interested.

  She paused in the driver’s seat and inspected her reflection on her visor. She saw the fatigue of her long day in the image staring back at her. She wore the shoes she hated and felt them squish her already blistered toes. She touched up her lip gloss and flipped back the visor. She didn’t want to get back on her feet. Her poor feet. Well, at least there would be no more occasions for heels before the marathon. She managed to find the strength to walk on them as she clicked the remote key for her car.

  “Elizabeth,” a voice called as she turned the path from the parking lot.

  A mix of relief, happiness, and fear overcame her. “Ben.”

  “I… I’m sorry that I… I don’t mean to scare you.”

  “What are you doing here?” she held onto her breath. Was she awake? Had she fallen asleep in her car? Was she dreaming? Was she Elizabeth? She wanted to see him. She had so many things to say, to tell him. She didn’t know where to begin and remained mute with the end of her question.

  He lifted a shiny postcard in his hand. It was the invitation to the Fulton Center opening. Every major medical industry was invited. She would have noticed his company on he
r address list. One of the doctors must have sent that invitation. “I knew you would be here. I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Then why not call? Or write an email?” she stepped back, almost losing her balance on her heel. He offered an arm she immediately refused. She couldn’t stop the anger from hardening her words. It wasn’t anger. It was hurt. Hurt she couldn’t express since he disappeared to Chicago.

  “I don’t know. I thought you wouldn’t answer,” he let out a low breath. “You look… amazing.”

  “I’ve been running a lot.”

  “Nora said…”

  “Why did you go to the grocery store?” Lizzie let the anger form the question.

  “I needed some batteries,” he laughed to himself. “I can’t lie. I knew I might see her. I wanted to… I wanted to know how you were.”

  “I thought you went to Chicago. That boy said…”

  “Keith told me you came to the apartment,” Ben restrained a smile.

  “He told me you were gone indefinitely.”

  “It was more difficult to leave than I thought,” he rested the pause with a focus on her.

  “You sold your home. You let strangers in the apartment. In our… she was reading my book.”

  “Did you get the books I brought to Jefferson Park?” he looked confused at her anger.

  “Yes,” Lizzie shook her head as her own confusion clouded her sense of conversation. “What do you want?”

  “I wanted to see that you are okay.”

  “Well, I’m okay,” she breathed out impatiently.

  “I miss you, Elizabeth.”

  She lifted her eyes to him. She hoped she wouldn’t cry, but it was very difficult to not lose strength with that last phrase. She didn’t know how to answer him. If she should tell him how much she missed him. Everything she remembered about Lily. About the green eyes that were full of love. That followed her everywhere. That frightened Lily, but only for the moment before she realized she would love him forever. Why did she change her mind?