An Ever Fixéd Mark

by Jessie Olson

  She had the book he gave her. The book she was going to give back. She opened it and read over the words she wrote inside the front cover. They blurred together and didn’t distract her from worry. A baby. She didn’t think she would ever have a baby. She had to marry him. Thomas would do the right thing. Even though she never did the right thing.

  The book fell from her hands into the water. Ben grabbed her from behind and kissed her. He didn’t give her the opportunity to speak first. She didn’t want to tell him. How could she tell him? He expected her to go with him. He expected her to become…

  She watched the pain change the green eyes to gray. She told him she wanted this baby. She told him she had to marry the father. He was angry. He wanted to hurt her. She saw the look that terrified her when she first saw his teeth. She knew… she knew she couldn’t be with this monster. She looked at the book under the water and walked away. She pretended not to hear when he said she would change her mind. She kept walking to stop the swirling of her stomach.

  *****

  Lizzie sat up and ran back into the bathroom. Was there really anything left in her body? She felt weak, barely strong enough to stand, but she left her room and went down to the living room. She went to the coat closet and pulled out the box she pushed there four months before. She found the leather books and opened the volume of Byron to look at the water-stained sonnet on the inside cover. She clutched the leather binding and shut her eyes repeating the lines, “love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom.”

  Lizzie fell on the couch, clutching the book in her hands. All the images of her dream shifted into place. Lily was pregnant. With Oliver’s baby. But Ben had already sent Oliver to Charlotte. The sorrow overwhelmed her. Lily’s sorrow.

  She shut her eyes and saw Harriet’s room. She smelled the air, the heavy scent of flowers from the garden drifting into the open window. She was sitting in the chair waiting to tell him the happy news. Oliver came through the door as she knew he would. But he wasn’t… he wasn’t Tom. His eyes burned with that otherworldly intensity. Benjamin’s threat made sudden perfect sense. Thomas muttered something about being with her forever. The baby. The baby. She couldn’t have a baby with a vampire. She couldn’t have a baby without him. She went to him. She kissed him. She let him have her. It wasn’t love. It was fierce and intense, not the clumsy movements from their secret meetings. She moved her head to expose her neck. She knew he should have stopped. She knew the point came and went when she should have pulled away. She knew her release would come soon.

  “Lizzie,” someone shook her shoulder. Lizzie opened her eyes and saw Meg leaning over her. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m not pregnant.” Lizzie sat herself back up. “I think it’s food poisoning.”

  Meg took the book from her clutches and looked at it. “Did you call a doctor?”

  “Why?” Lizzie knew she was too weak to blush.

  “Because you are going to run a marathon next week. You should know if this is serious,” Meg felt her forehead. “I think you have a fever.”

  “I’m fine.”

  Meg pouted, but didn’t push the subject. “Can I get you anything?”

  “I just need to get it out of my body,” Lizzie took the book back from her. “I’m pretty sure I’ve done that.”

  “Well, maybe this will make you feel better,” Meg offered a brief smile and an envelope.

  Lizzie wasn’t too feverish to not recognize the return address of the bank. She lifted a weak pair of arms and managed to open the letter. She scanned the short paragraph and felt her brief burst of adrenalin plummet. “We didn’t get it.”

  “Oh Lizzie.”

  “I knew we were aiming too high,” Lizzie was unable to care when her head felt too light for any emotion. She couldn’t process the dream much less the reality of that letter.

  “Remember when you started running? You were in agony the first time you ran two miles. You said you were never going to do it again. But you got up and ran two miles every morning. Then it was three. Then it was four. And now it’s a marathon. You’ll get up and try again.”

  “Mmm,” Lizzie smiled weakly, impressed by Meg’s wisdom. Somewhere in the past five months Meg grew up.

  Meg left the couch and went to the closet to get another blanket. She tripped over the box of books, knocking a gift bag off the top. Meg picked it up and pulled out a small hinged box. “This is pretty,” she opened up the compact and showed the white powder.

  “Careful, that stuff is toxic,” Lizzie slid back against the sofa.

  “Was this from Ben?”

  “From Andrew,” Lizzie thought about the possibility of lead and her weak stomach stirred a little. It didn’t really matter any longer. “It was a Christmas present.”

  “Do you want this valuable antique in a box in the closet?”

  “Keep it there. I should probably get it cleaned or something,” Lizzie shut her eyes again. “Right now I just want to sleep.” She felt for the leather bound book that slipped to her side and clutched it to her chest as she fell asleep.

  She slept a lot. The dreams didn’t play out in such vivid detail, but they presented encores of the feverish images that stayed in her mind since the summer. The hedges by the carriage house, promises whispered in the moonlight, sitting in the kitchen, and the green eyes that were always there.

  She faded back into coherent thought by noon the following day. She was able to follow the tedious plotlines of a soap opera. Of course there was a story about an unwanted pregnancy. Of course… Lizzie let herself wrap her brain around the past 24 hours. She hated the fact she had food poisoning. She didn’t know how she would get enough strength by the weekend to do her last ten mile run. She hated being confined to the couch without much energy to even take a shower.

  There was a small part of her that wished it wasn’t food poisoning, that wished the test wasn’t negative. She didn’t know how she would support a child when she couldn’t qualify for a business loan with a partner. She didn’t love the father. But Eric would have done the right thing. Just like Thomas.

  Maybe it wasn’t Lizzie who wished for the test to be different. Lizzie didn’t want a baby. She had that pang when she saw Will and then when she found out about Nora, but it really was okay with her that Ben couldn’t provide her with a child. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe that was Lily protecting her. Protecting her from the memory of a lost child. A child she wanted to have, to stay mortal, to make herself … to make herself human again. That child was her hope to start her life over. To get away from the Fultons who treated her poorly because she was a bastard. To get away from the parasites who used her for her blood. Tom gave her that choice. He gave her that way out. Not just to another place, but to another reality of herself. Ben, even with those eyes that loved her so completely, could not give her that. And when Thomas became a vampire, he took away that choice… leaving Lily with only one option for her escape.

  She reread the inside of the book again and again. To the edge of doom. She loved Ben. Lily loved him so completely. Did she love Oliver? Did she love him enough to come back to him in another lifetime? Lizzie wondered if Lily’s affection for him was any different than her affection for Eric. She liked his company more once she understood he knew about vampires. He was good to her. He liked her. If there was a baby, it wouldn’t have been a bad partnership.

  But Oliver was more to Lily than a thoughtful doctor. He was her best friend. He loved her – as much as those green eyes. Not enough to stay human. Not enough to resist Charlotte. So Lily took his child without even telling him.

  Would Lizzie tell him? That secret went with Lily to the grave. Two hundred years ago. What good would it do to tell him now? Especially if he had someone… someone new? That source. He didn’t love Lizzie. He got swept up in the idea of Lily, just as she had. They both lost sight of the present and tried to make the past work in the 21st century. It didn’t.

  Lizzie knew the
answer now. She knew the missing piece to Lily. She understood it all. Enough, anyway, to finally put her to rest. Now Lizzie could live in her present and not constantly wonder why things ended as they did. She could direct better attention to herself. To not be discouraged by a bank’s refusal. To rewrite her business plan and start cooking for Nora’s aunt out of her own kitchen. To make herself better and strong enough to run 26 miles.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  The night before the race, Lizzie shut herself away in her room. In her sleep she saw her food poisoning dream all over again. There was no coffee shop. It began with a wedding of the narrowed faced boy and an innocent young girl. She felt the teeth sink into her neck and opened her eyes. She wanted the dream to stop there. She couldn’t feel the despair. Not that morning. She needed hope.

  She opened her eyes before dawn. It was too early, but not worth the effort to go back to sleep. She read all the messages of encouragement her friends sent and posted on her Facebook wall. She knew it was foolish, but hoped there would be a note from Ben. He knew she was running. Even if he didn’t want to be with her, Lizzie was certain he wanted her to succeed.

  But… as the memory of her dream lingered, she realized she didn’t just want a note on her Facebook wall. She wanted him. She went to his dormant profile, which still said Chicago was his current location. She quickly typed out the lines of Sonnet 116 and posted it. It was silly, especially when he rarely went onto the social network. But it provoked enough anxiety to propel her energy for the start of the race.

  She didn’t think about Lily as she ran. Her mind faded into the crowds of encouraging spectators. She remembered the race and why she was really there. To prove that her body overcame three decades of neglect and could do this impressive thing. She listened to the beats of her music and pressed herself forward. She looked towards road signs and supporters offering oranges and camera crews, pushing towards each mile marker. As Elizabeth Watson. As the 34 year old woman who got up and ran to do something for her heart. Not the 21 year old girl who ran away from it.

  At mile 20, Meg jumped into the road. Lizzie took out her headphones and paused to greet her and Nora on the grassy side of Com Ave. She caught her breath and took a drink from the water bottle they gave her. She was empowered by their support to make it up Heartbreak Hill. Then she let herself think about the end, when it would all be over.

  She crossed the finish line amongst crowds of cheering and accolades. She felt the sudden relief of no movement and an overwhelming pang of yearning. No one was there to congratulate her. She was alone. She found her way to a tent to get water and relief to the end of her momentum.

  Lizzie left the tent an hour later, feeling the plunge of her isolation. All around her were accomplished runners with their friends, their children, their lovers. Hugs and kisses and words of praise. Why had she insisted her parents stay home in Coldbrook? She found her phone and dialed the number to her mom. She spoke briefly, giving the details of her time. Then she made the excuse that friends were waiting for her. But they weren’t. They were back in Newton because Nora was too pregnant to deal with the crowd on Boylston Street. Was no one close by to congratulate her accomplishment? She felt the exhaustion fuel her emotion.

  She wondered if Ben checked his Facebook. If he saw the message from her and thought… anything except a desire to ignore it. It was a foolish impulse. She would go home and delete it and hope he didn’t see the message. She ran the marathon. She did something Lily would never do. She loved Ben. She wanted him. But maybe he was right. She was better off without them, living the life Lily never had the chance to complete.

  She gathered her wits and summoned the strength of her runner’s high to walk to the train. Maybe Meg and Nora would meet her at the next station so she wouldn’t have to walk to Jefferson Park. She looked up to see her way through the crowd. A few yards away, Oliver’s dark eyes smiled at her. “Well done, Lizzie.”

  Lizzie felt her tired heart leap. “You’re here.”

  “I didn’t go back to California.”

  “You came here… to see me.”

  “Of course I did,” he put his arm around her.

  “Will you take me home?” she let herself lean against his shoulder. It felt strong and comfortable. She lost notice of the crowd as they walked to his Jeep. She was grateful it wasn’t far away and didn’t mind that she had to sit beside him as they sat in the slow crawl out of the city.

  “How are you feeling?” he broke their silence when he finally made it to the Storrow exit. They could have walked faster than the car moved, but the idea of standing on her feet didn’t inspire her.

  “Tired,” she breathed out. “Exhilarated.”

  “I bet,” he grinned wickedly.

  She wouldn’t meet his eye to show she knew what he was thinking. She didn’t know if she wanted… She was glad to see him. To have her old friend there. Not the vampire who would celebrate her endorphin rush. “I did it.”

  “I knew you would.”

  “Yeah,” she looked out the window, letting the thought sting her that Ben wasn’t there. Why did Oliver come? Wasn’t it just as well for her to stay away from him as well? “Why didn’t you go back to California?”

  “I think I’m going to take a job out here,” he let out a happy breath and turned to smile at her. “After the last lecture, they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I met the team working on the research. I will miss the NCC students… but I suspect I can recruit a couple of this year’s graduates.”

  “Wow.”

  “And…” he turned his focus back to the slow moving traffic. “I’ve done a lot of thinking since January. Since you said you didn’t want… if you don’t want to be in a relationship, Lizzie, that’s fine. I would rather have your friendship than nothing at all and a whole country separating us.”

  “Us? What about that other… the source you were dating?”

  “You said I kept looking for Lily in all the women I’ve been with. You were right. I do look for her, for you.”

  Lizzie took in a deep breath and focused on the New Hampshire plate on the car in front of them. “Oliver…”

  “I just want… I want to see you and be able to talk with you – about your work, about your crazy friends, about books, about the world. Is that inappropriate?”

  “No,” she read the ‘live free or die’ logo and thought of Lily. “I don’t think it is.”

  “Good.”

  “I got really sick last week,” Lizzie thought she could see a break in the traffic in the distance.

  “You did?”

  “A couple days after I saw you, I got food poisoning,” Lizzie could tell he didn’t understand her swift conversation shift. She didn’t know if she wanted to finish the impulse. But the oxygen flow to her brain was still too slow to stop her. “I thought I was pregnant for about a half hour.”

  “A baby,” Oliver’s voice was barely audible. “I didn’t think you were involved in a serious relationship.”

  “I’m not. I don’t know if that would have changed the situation. But then I had a fever and a lot of vivid dreams. I dreamt… I remembered… Lily was pregnant when she died.” She saw him tighten his grip of the steering wheel and moved her eyes to see the expression on his face. It was cool and calm. The heave of his chest showed a slow deep breath. “That’s why… that’s why everything happened, isn’t it?”

  “You remembered that?” his voice was as calm and cool as the stillness of his face.

  “It was a dream. But I’ve had it twice. The first part was when Lily told Ben she wanted to marry you because she wanted the baby. Then Lily was waiting for you. She wanted to tell you so you could run off together. But when you came you were…”

  “She didn’t tell me.”

  “Because Charlotte changed you,” Lizzie’s eyes drifted away from Oliver and back to the road where the cars were thinning and picking up speed. “Did you know?”

  “I know that she was pregnant, yes.”<
br />
  “Did you know then?”

  “No.”

  “Who told you?”

  “Charlotte,” he set his jaw. Lizzie could tell from the speed of his articulation that he was done talking about the subject. She touched a nerve. A very sore nerve. It was the reason for everything. It was the reason she was sitting beside him now and not Ben.

  She retreated into silence as he picked up speed and brought her home. He stopped the car in front of her house and didn’t attempt to restart the conversation. “I’m going in,” Lizzie said finally.

  “Are your roommates home?”

  “I… I’m not sure,” Lizzie looked at the cars in front of the house. Nora’s car was there. Meg’s was missing. Maybe they were still watching runners… or maybe they went to lunch.

  “Can I come in?” he looked at her, his emotion still expressionless.

  She nodded and left the car to lead him up to the apartment. There was a long awkward silence as they stood at the top of the stairs. Lizzie knew she couldn’t begin the conversation. She was impatient to hear more details but chose not to press him. “I’m going to take a shower,” she decided and disappeared into the bathroom.

  The steam of the water relaxed her. She let her thoughts wander back to the glee and satisfaction of her accomplishment. She wasn’t going to push the subject with Oliver. His company was still tentative. It was the right thing, wasn’t it? After all he went through, didn’t he deserve Lily? But what did… what did Lily deserve … after dying… twice? What did Elizabeth deserve?

  She changed into a sleeveless summer dress. It would be too cool in a few hours, when the blood rush left her skin. She checked her email before going back down to Oliver. She saw a handful of congratulations from relatives who got the message from her mother. Including Jen and Jack. There was nothing from Ben. Nothing.