An Ever Fixéd Mark

by Jessie Olson

  “Are you going to blame me for all of this?” she felt the exhaustion of her body start to tease her. “Are you going to blame me for the fact that by sleeping with me you prompted whatever part of my mind hid Lily’s existence? That for thirty-three years I had no idea about this? It wasn’t until you came into my life again that I had any… desire to know a thing about Lily. It wasn’t until you came into my life again that Oliver felt he could…”

  He grabbed her by the elbows. His thumb pressed against the wound left by the IV, but she wouldn’t let him see the pain she felt. “You came to me. You came to me by the river. You wanted this as much as I,” he looked at her intensely. The anger she saw with mention of the Chamberlains crept back into his expression. “You made the choice to leave. You went to him. You, Elizabeth, made the decision to become his lover and give him your blood. You can’t blame Lily for that. You can’t use her tragedy as an excuse for your cruelty.”

  Lizzie’s lip trembled and the tears pooled in her eyes. He released his grasp of her arms and pushed her away. “Do you want me to go back to him?” she rubbed the inside of her left elbow.

  “No, I do not,” he said bitterly with his back turned to her. “He loves you.”

  “He loves Lily.”

  “If that is what you want, I am not going to stop you.”

  “You aren’t worried for my safety?”

  He turned and laughed as he faced her. “What does my concern for your safety matter when you have none for yourself?”

  She felt the energy drain from her head. A coolness came across her cheeks as her knees weakened. She retreated to a chair and sat as her ears clouded. Ben left the room and came back quickly with a glass of water.

  “You should go upstairs and get some rest,” he said distantly.

  She shifted her hurt, angry eyes to him. “I would go home right now if I had the strength,” she swallowed the water.

  “Get some rest and we will talk later,” he touched her shoulder and went back to his desk.

  She waited until the blood came back to her cheeks. She stood and quietly left the room, knowing that Ben’s eyes were watching her. She went up the stairs into one of the bedrooms. It was well furnished like the rest of the apartment, but clearly uninhabited. She lay down on the bed and tried to sort through all the heated words of the past half hour. Nothing made sense as her mind whirled between Lily and Lizzie. Somewhere between the images of white roses and blurred blue ink, she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

  It was dark when she woke. The clock in the room read 2:15. She was too wide awake to go back to sleep. Her body was restless from sleeping so many hours. She felt the itch of her limbs from being idle for several days. She wanted to do something. Something more than stare into the blackness and see Lily’s memories.

  Her bag was on the chair by the dresser. Ben must have brought it up while she was sleeping. She decided to take a shower in the adjoining bathroom and change out of her jeans. It felt good to wash away the dried tears from her cheeks, but the steam reminded her of her empty stomach.

  She left the room. The doors of the other bedrooms were closed. She wondered if Ben was in one of them, or if he was still in his office downstairs. There was no light at the bottom of the stairs – just the glow from the lights along the river. She went down and saw the office door was open and dark. She walked around the open space of the apartment, drawn almost immediately to the dining area and the sideboard. She opened the cabinet doors and found them empty. Until the last which hid a rack of wine. She pulled out one of the bottles and saw her favorite Malbec.

  She was tempted and remembered her empty stomach. She looked at the kitchen and noticed a bowl of fruit that wasn’t on the counter earlier. She walked toward the shiny apples and saw a receipt by the bowl for a grocery delivery. She opened the refrigerator and cabinets to see Ben’s afternoon purchase of her favorite ingredients. Not a bad memory for someone who knew so little about 21st century food. But there were still no plates.

  She made a turkey sandwich and ate it without much thought for flavor. She satisfied her stomach and felt the vacancy of the apartment overwhelm her. She returned to the bottle and was pleased to find a pair of wine glasses and a corkscrew. She wondered how long they were there, if they were always meant for her… or if there was any other source he brought home.

  She walked back to the large windows, letting the warm burn of the Malbec relax her. She stared out onto the river, noticing the lights from Cambridge reflected on the dark water. She wondered where the marshes were centuries before. Where Lily sank her feet into the grass and lost hold of the book…

  “Elizabeth?” she heard his voice at the top of the stairs. She looked up and saw him leave the doorway of her room. Even in the shadows, she saw the relief relax his brow.

  “My clock is messed up,” she looked back at the river. “I couldn’t sleep any more.”

  “I got some groceries,” he came down the stairs. “If you are hungry, there is food.”

  “I know,” she showed him the wine glass and took another sip.

  “Are you…” he stopped a foot away from her. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “I mean,” he breathed out. “I don’t mean physically.”

  “I just slept too much,” she took another sip of wine.

  “Elizabeth, I said a number of things this afternoon that I regret.”

  “A lot of it is true. I can’t let the memories of Lily make my choices,” she exhaled a staggered breath. “I don’t love him. I realized that a week after… I always knew that. I just felt guilt. Like I had to do something to make it right. All I did was make everything worse.”

  “Elizabeth…” he came to her side.

  “Do you wish I didn’t remember Lily?”

  “Sometimes,” he pulled her hair back from her shoulder, exposing the marks Oliver gave her. “She knew me when I was something else. I loved her. I loved that she made me want to be different from what I was. Even though she died… and maybe because she did, I tried my best to become what I thought she believed I could be. But I destroyed her, as I fear I’ve...”

  Lizzie saw a light move across the water – a boat or something… like a ferry. She drank from the wide rimmed goblet. She swallowed it after letting the flavor linger on her tongue for a moment. She didn’t feel the warmth in her veins. She immediately took another lingering sip and set down the glass. “You would have killed her child if you kept her with you that night. You saved her from a lifetime of heartache. You set Lily free.”

  “Have I?” he turned her to face him. She saw the hunger in his grayer eyes. “Or have I destroyed her – you all over again?”

  “You set me free. I was living this life blindly, unaware that I was trapped in Lily’s misery. Confined by her lack of self worth, her paralyzed ambition, her inability to trust love. But I… I broke through that. I determined to fix myself, to face the things that make me unhappy. I want to live a better life, not die to escape misery.”

  “Do I make you unhappy?”

  “Only when I’m not with you,” she smiled through her tears.

  He stroked her cheek and cupped her chin in his hand. “Once you told me I was what you were running to. You don’t need to run any more. I want you to be with me. I want you to stay with me.”

  She lifted her hands to his chin and kissed him. She walked him towards the couch, gently pushing him to sit. She sat across his hips as his hands were at her shoulders, then her waist, fumbling for the end of her shirt and lifting it over her. “Ben, I love you,” she kissed him lightly and then pressed against his forehead. “I never stopped loving you.”

  “I always loved you, Elizabeth.”

  Lizzie curled her lips into a smile and kissed him again.

  *****

  Lizzie walked back into the room and sat on the chair opposite the bed. Ben opened his eyes and smiled at her. “I knew you were awake,” she laughed as she bit into one of her orange p
ieces.

  “I knew you were more likely to feed yourself if you thought I was asleep,” he sat up against the headboard. She breathed out as she saw the afternoon sun highlight the curve of his biceps.

  “I was famished. Surely that must mean I’m not developing an appetite for blood.”

  “It’s a good sign,” he laughed. She missed his smile. She missed that open look of admiration he forced himself to hide until last night.

  “How will I know for sure?”

  “I will take a sample of your blood to the clinic today. They can do a final test. Then you should be in the clear.”

  “Then?”

  “Then what?”

  “I go home?”

  Ben’s expression sobered. “Do you want to go home?”

  “No,” Lizzie thought about her bedroom and the last time she was there… with Oliver. “Do you think he will try to see me?”

  “He shouldn’t,” Ben swallowed.

  “How do you know?”

  “I spoke to him after you woke up. I told him you were… that you survived and that he should keep his distance.”

  “He won’t do that if you tell him, Ben.”

  “Do you want to tell him?”

  “No,” she took the last piece of orange.

  “You can stay here as long as you want,” he reached his arm and pulled her to his side. “I would like you to make this your home. It would make this monstrosity less empty.”

  Lizzie smiled to herself. It was still so new and strange, all part of the dreamlike quality of the past six months. She liked the new apartment. She liked it a lot, with the marble countertops, the stainless steel appliances, the magnificent view of the Charles. It was almost surreal to think of it as hers… theirs. But she couldn’t imagine leaving, even to go home to Jefferson Park. “I could start my business here,” she let the thought escape her lips without recognition.

  “The catering business with Andrew?”

  “Nora told you.”

  “I think it’s a brilliant idea. But you know, you could rent a space.”

  “No,” she said firmly. “We tried that and didn’t get a loan. Besides, I think we need to start small. Less responsibility. Especially if I’m working at the hospital.”

  “Why would you still do that?”

  “To make money.”

  “You said it was dull.”

  “It is.”

  “If you come here, Elizabeth, you won’t have to worry about living expenses.”

  “I have a car.”

  “And I’m certain by the end of the year you will have some income to take care of that,” he fingered the ends of her hair.

  “I still need money for startup expenses.”

  “Leave the hospital. If you need extra income, go work in a museum.”

  “Is this about me giving up a job I don’t like very much or about a certain doctor?” Lizzie looked at him. “What exactly did Dr. Chiang tell you about Eric? How long has she been telling you things about me?”

  “When I found out you worked there, I asked if she knew you. She never said much. But when I went to Chicago, I asked if she would keep an eye on you.”

  “Does she know Oliver?”

  “Yes.”

  “Does she know about Lily and … the Fultons?” Lizzie half laughed at the fact Dr. Chiang’s cardiac center was funded by Ben’s thwarted pillage.

  “Some of it,” Ben touched her arm. “She’s a friend.”

  Lizzie intertwined her fingers in his. She didn’t really want to go back to the hospital and see Dr. Chiang regularly and have to wonder the thoughts behind those brilliant blue eyes. She wasn’t eager to see Eric again. He was good to her. But it was done, like everything else that came before last night. “Maybe I’ll take the summer off. I have some money put away. Not a lot… but enough to give me a couple months to start our business.”

  “Good,” he grinned and pulled her back to the bed.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Ben had to go to his office the next morning. Lizzie decided to test her endurance and take the train back to Jefferson Park to get some more clothes and her car. She appreciated the walk in the warm spring air. She breathed in the sweet blossoms along the sidewalks and admired the green starting to show on the grass of the park. As she followed the traces of emerging color, she saw a silver Jeep Wrangler parked on the other side of the street. Someone was sitting in the driver’s seat. She didn’t have to meet his eyes to know it was Oliver. She hastened her steps, locked the door, and went directly to her room. Lizzie saw the disheveled blankets on her bed and shuddered at the memory of Oliver standing in the doorway. Was there blood? Or was she imagining it? She couldn’t stay there long. She heard Ben’s warnings creep back into her mind. She wasn’t afraid of him… and yet… he was outside her apartment. Waiting for her.

  She opened several drawers of her dresser, pulling out all sorts of clothing. She didn’t want to have to confront Oliver. She wasn’t ready. Ben said the test results showed no mutation, but it would be three months before her blood was worthy of being a source. Oliver’s madness would thrive on her poor cell count. Madness that let him believe she wanted him, that Lily came back to him. If he had the delusion, he could believe that. If he drank her weak blood, he could have her forever.

  She found a suitcase and shoved all the clothes and her laptop and toiletries into it. She would come back later, to talk to Meg. With Ben. She brought the suitcase to her car and realized she forgot her coat with her wallet in her room. She rushed back to the door and let herself in, but didn’t hear the slam of the screen door shut.

  “Hi Lizzie.”

  “Hi,” she struggled to keep her face calm as she turned back to face Oliver. Her heart beat so quickly and loudly she feared he would hear it and be tempted by her blood flow.

  “You’re okay,” he smiled, but it required a lot of effort.

  “No thanks to you,” she started to close the main door. He put up his hand to stop it and stepped into the vestibule.

  “Don’t … just let me come in for a few minutes.”

  The space in front of the door was narrow. She turned quickly and went up the stairs to get away from him. “I have to be somewhere in a half hour,” she began the lie and determined to fuel it with more information. “I have to go to the clinic.”

  “To see Ben?” he reached the top of the stairs.

  “To make sure you didn’t ruin my blood,” she glared at him. She wanted to see his reaction – to see if he knew what he did.

  “Lizzie,” he reached out his hand. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “No?” she felt exposed standing so close to the stairs. She walked into the living room and crossed her arms in front of the couch.

  He waited a few moments and then followed her. He went to the fireplace and stood awkwardly at the mantle. “It was an accident. I was… I was so happy that you… that we were together. That you made the choice to be with me.”

  “I didn’t make that choice.”

  He left the mantle and went to her. “You told me that Lily forgave me. You kissed me.”

  “I made a foolish decision. I was confused. I thought I was supposed to... that it was what Lily wanted. Maybe it is what Lily wants,” Lizzie tightened her fist. “But it isn’t what I want.”

  “You let him manipulate you,” he took hold of her cheeks and turned her face to his. “You let him convince you that Lily doesn’t matter.”

  She pulled herself away as he tried to kiss her. “I know you loved Lily. I know she broke your heart. I know that she … I know the baby… it wasn’t fair what happened to you, Oliver. But it isn’t for me to make it right.”

  “This isn’t about making something right,” he went to her again. “This is about what is right. Us.”

  “There is no us.”

  “You don’t want this?”

  “I want you to leave,” she looked directly at him.

  “Please, Lizzie.”

&nbs
p; “You left me to die.”

  “You told me to leave.”

  “You could have done something.”

  “Yes,” he nodded. “I could have saved you.”

  “You knew… didn’t you? You knew that my blood wasn’t right. You knew if you took too much I could change.”

  His dark eyes smiled at her, but she could see the deceit of his charm. “You knew… you did this to Melissa Benson.”

  “I didn’t kill her.”

  “No,” Lizzie walked towards the door. “But you knew when you took her blood she wouldn’t be well enough to get home. You knew she would die.”

  “She tricked me.”

  “You knew she wouldn’t survive without a transfusion. From you. So you didn’t take her to the hospital. You didn’t want her to mutate and turn into… you didn’t want Ben to know what you did.”

  “You weren’t there. You don’t know what happened.”

  “I was there a few days ago. You did to her what you did to me. You left me to die.”

  “I don’t want you to die.”

  “I don’t want to live like you,” she tried to walk passed him, but he took hold of her arms again and pushed her against the wall. He let go but stood in front of her, blockading her exit. “Did your wife have a choice? Or did you infect her blood by feeding from her too soon?”

  “We made the choice to let it happen.”

  “No you didn’t.”

  “You’re confused,” he shut his eyes. “You are overwhelmed. But you will understand… I know you will see that this is what should happen.”

  “What?”

  “Why else would you keep coming back?” he touched her hair. “It doesn’t make sense that you should die again.”

  “Oliver, I don’t love you.”

  “You aren’t supposed to be with him. Lily...”

  “Oliver,” she shut her eyes. “Why are you doing this? You are a good man, Oliver. Why can’t you accept that this is what I want?”

  “Because he doesn’t deserve you,” he took hold of her chin.

  “He would let me go if I didn’t want him,” Lizzie made herself meet Oliver’s sad manic eyes. “He wouldn’t force me to stay with him because some vicious vampire told him lies about karma.”