She looked to Wes. “She has to be paying you—are we on hidden camera?” She twisted her body as if actually looking for a hidden camera. “Did the town nut tell you about her crazy mother? I bet there’s not a section for that on an escort order form.”
“Sam’s not paying me. But if you’re too distracted by us to do your job, I’m certain the manager would gladly supply us with a different waitress,” Wes said, his voice abrasive.
“I was never going to serve your stupid ass anyway,” Tabby snarled at me. She snapped her fingers at another girl and instructed her to work our table.
“You handled her well,” Wes said, letting go of my hand.
“So did you. I just hope she doesn’t spit on our pizza now.”
Wes’s eyes widened. “You and me both.”
After we ate, Wes paid the bill and left our waitress a tip so generous that Tabby would be forever sorry that she hadn’t been nicer.
In the car, Wes checked his phone before tossing it back onto the console. He’d silenced it before we pulled out of his driveway, I imagined, so I wouldn’t complain about all the text messages that he was getting.
“Charlotte told me about Darcy,” I blurted, for who knows what reason.
“God, she has a big mouth.”
“Will you tell me about her?”
“Why?”
“Charlotte said you pursued her. There must have been a reason.”
“Yeah, I was an arrogant asshole. Darcy didn’t like me, but I made her pay attention, and then one day she looked at me like you sometimes do, and that’s when I knew I had her.” He glanced at me. My cheeks reddened slightly. “She was sweet and vulnerable and I took advantage of her feelings for me. She thought it meant something when I slept with her, and was heartbroken when she realized that I didn’t care about her. That I’d gotten her to like me, so I could use her.”
“She was a virgin?”
“Yes.”
It took a second for me to muster the guts to say what I was thinking, but I did it. “I’m not her, Wes.”
“But I’m still me.”
“You’re not the same as you were.”
“You can’t say that. You didn’t know me before.”
“I can say it because of the way you are with me.”
“Sam, you know what I do when I’m not with you.” I did, and it wrenched my guts. “Are we going to have conversations like this every time we’re together now?”
“Conversations like what?”
“You know.” He looked at me like he felt sorry for me, and it made me want to disappear. Having to let me down easy every time we were together wasn’t something he wanted to do.
“No,” I said, and turned in my seat, looking straight ahead, regretting bringing up the subject. We still had an hour and a half drive ahead of us, and I knew it would be miserable.
“I am the same, Sam. Just in a different way.”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t move. I was afraid if I did that I would shatter into a million pieces.
Wes started the Range Rover and drove us to Lyle’s Island in silence. It sucked having to sit so close to a person I craved while knowing he didn’t feel the same.
At my house, Wes carried the pizza I’d gotten for Dad and Betty to the kitchen for me. They were on the sofa in the hearth room watching television. They both said hello to Wes, then Dad asked me how the visit went.
“It was a little harder than I imagined, but selling is the right thing to do. You can’t move forward if you’re stuck in the past.”
Dad stood and took the photo of him, mom, and me from my hand and smiled. “She was so proud of you. So grateful for you. She loved you more than anything. Including me,” he added and chuckled.
I hugged him and told him I’d brought him a pizza. “Sausage and pepperoni?” he asked.
“What else?” I pulled away and opened the box. “Betty, I hope you like sausage and pepperoni.”
“It’s my favorite.”
“I should go,” Wes said.
Dad shook his hand and thanked him for bringing me back safely.
“Yeah, thanks again,” I said.
Although I knew I shouldn’t, I couldn’t help but watch him leave. He looked at me as he backed out of the patio door and said, “You’re the strongest person I know, Samantha darling.”
“Only because I have to be.” I walked away before he’d completely closed the door and joined Dad and Betty on the couch to watch TV.
As we laughed at something together, I realized that I’d gotten what I’d asked for. What I’d told Dr. Ming I wanted in my final journal entry: Normalcy. It was just surprising because it had happened in a place I never thought I would feel normal. In a big house in a fancy neighborhood with a woman who wasn’t my mother and a man who was my father, only independent of who he’d had to be for her. An individual now, it was nice to hear him laugh again.
29
“C ome with me to the grocery store,” Charlotte said. “I’m making dinner for Austin.”
“That sounds serious.”
“You have no idea how insane he makes me. I want to be domestic, and that shit does not reside within me. It’s the most messed up thing. I want to take care of him. I want to feed him and make sure he’s comfortable. I feel like I need him.” She sighed. “I’ve fallen for a mother fucker, Sam.”
I laughed at the desperate disbelief in Charlotte’s tone. “Has he actually slept with someone’s mother?”
“Yes. He told me everyone he’s been with. It made me so jealous, and I am never jealous. I think he’s broken me, Sam. All this time I never thought Austin could be serious about me because he screwed around so much, but he’s into me, like, just me, and I love it.”
I didn’t want to say it out loud, but thought that if Austin Swagler could change for a girl, then why not Wes Cohen?
The grocery store, like everything else on Lyle’s Island was ornately decorated. The walls were robin’s egg blue. The floor was stained concrete. The shelves were wood instead of metal. The coolers and produce areas were freakishly neat and organized. I mean, not a single apple was out of place.
“Oh my god, I almost forgot, how was your date with Hot Charlie?”
“Wes didn’t tell you?”
“Wes?”
“Yeah,” I said, and expectantly looked at her.
Charlotte sighed. “I thought he should know. So how was it?”
“I doubt Charlie and I are going to go out again.” I wasn’t going to tell her specifics. “You know how first dates can be,” I said, like I knew.
“Yeah, well, that’s why you have a second date—to counteract the awkwardness of the first one. Call and invite him over.”
“I don’t have his phone number.”
“Call the club. They’ll give it to you.”
“I’m not hunting him down, Charlotte.”
“But you two look super cute together.” She bent her knees, sinking down a little.
“I’m going to give the boy thing a rest for a while.”
“But boys are so much fun,” Charlotte said, her tone desperate sounding.
My experience with boys hadn’t been fun. It’d been angst ridden and a little painful.
“I still want you to come over for dinner,” she said.
“I’m not crashing your date.”
“It’s not really a date. I’m just making dinner.”
“For you and Austin.”
“I’ll make it a dinner party. That’ll be fun. Austin and I can be alone after.” Charlotte stopped the grocery cart near the frozen foods and looked at me. “What Lori said about your mom—I know Wes said not to bring it up and I’m not going to ask any questions—I just want to say I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“Thank you.”
Since Charlotte had decided to turn her dinner into a dinner party, she thought she wouldn’t have time to cook, and we left the grocery store empty-handed. Instead, she scheduled a food delivery from
the club, and we went clothes shopping before returning to her house.
I went home and changed into a teal sundress, put my hair into a ponytail, and went back to Charlotte’s. I’d been gone less than an hour and there were already several people in the house. I didn’t see Charlotte and since I knew no one else, I went upstairs to see if she was in the kitchen.
I heard Wes laugh as I rounded the corner into the room and lit up. “Sorry,” I said, flustered, once I saw that he was with a girl. A girl who had her face buried in his neck. With his arms around her, Wes turned and looked right through me, and for the first time I finally believed that this is who he was when it came to girls, and that he would never be serious about me. But I wasn’t going to run away like a wounded animal. “I’m looking for Charlotte.”
“I haven’t seen her,” he said, and turned his attention back to the girl who was working on leaving a hickey the size of Texas on his skin in almost the exact place that I’d once kissed him.
I went downstairs, out the back door, and was headed toward the gate to go home when I ran into Charlie. “Did Charlotte call you?” I asked angrily, envisaging all the ways that I could kill her.
“No. I saw you walking over here when I drove up. I owe you an apology—more than an apology. I’m embarrassed by my behavior. I acted like a child and never should have left you the way that I did. I like you, Sam, and I want you to like me, too, so when you didn’t like the kiss…” Charlie moved toward me. “I’d like another chance,” he said softly, focusing on my mouth.
“You think I’m going to let you kiss me after what you did?”
“I made a mistake. I apologized,” Charlie defended.
“That doesn’t erase how you made me feel.”
“It doesn’t erase how you made me feel, either.”
“How I made you feel?” My voice skyrocketed in pitch.
“Yes.” Charlie took a step back. “You basically called me a bad kisser.”
“You’re such a drama queen! All I did was ask you to slow down. I never said you were a bad kisser.”
“That’s what it sounded like.”
“No, that’s how you took it, which is not my fault, because that’s not what I said.”
“This is why I waited so long to apologize. I knew you’d be difficult.”
“Oh, I’m sorry that you expected me to be happy that you waited to apologize for ditching me at the curb because your feelings were hurt.”
“Dammit, Sam. Just let me kiss you again.”
“Will it shut you up?”
“Yes.” Charlie smiled, then steadied himself, placing his hands on my arms, close to my shoulders as he closed the gap between us. The way he looked at me before his lips touched mine confirmed that he was determined to kiss me better than he had the last time. His arms closed around my neck and one of his hands snuck into my hair, holding the back of my head. And then, he kissed me, and it was so much better than the first time we’d kissed that my knees actually felt wobbly.
“Was that okay?” he breathed afterward.
I nodded. It was better, but nothing like kissing Wes. He stirred something in me that Charlie never could.
“Do you want to go somewhere and talk?”
“I told Charlotte I’d be here. I can meet you later.”
“Can’t I come with you?”
“Are you sure? I remember you saying something in group about not liking my friends.”
“I didn’t say that I don’t like your friends. I said I didn’t like the way that some of them treated me, but Charlotte has always been nice.”
Charlie took my hand, and he and I walked into the house together. Charlotte screeched when she saw us. “I don’t know how this happened, but I’m so glad,” she gushed. Then suddenly, Charlie and I were folded into the group of people as if we were meant to be there. It was strange, it felt as if I’d entered a committed relationship without my consent, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.
30
E llen stood in front of the sofa in the hearth room where I was sprawled out watching TV—where I’d been all day.
“You’ve moped around long enough, Missy. Get out and do something.”
“I’d rather stay here.”
“You need to be with people your own age.”
“People my age suck.”
“I didn’t think you were the type to let a boy have so much power over you.”
“I’m not,” I lied.
“Please. I’ve been around long enough to know boy trouble when I see it. Spill, child.” Ellen tapped my leg with a feather duster.
“Wes is super sweet to me one minute, the next he’s acting like I don’t exist. Also, I think that I’m Charlie’s girlfriend now.”
“Do you want to be his girlfriend?”
“I don’t know. I feel like I should be because he has the guts to date me.”
“If he’s not what you want, you should tell him. Delaying it will only make it worse, so will staying with him if you’re pining for Wes.”
“I’m not pining. I’m just… inanely hopeful.”
“Matters of the heart are tricky. I don’t envy you one bit.”
“I doubt that anyone would,” I groaned.
I kind of felt like an ass because I had a boy who wanted to be with me and all I could do was think about one who didn’t.
“I’m bound by confidentiality, so I never said this,” Ellen began, making me sit up and pay attention. “Wes and Charlotte practically raised themselves. The two of them have always had access to anything money can buy, but people need people. To know they’re loved and wanted. Wes never got that from his parents. And he may never admit it, but it’s something he craves.”
“He told me about his parents not being around, but I am around, and he’d rather have meaningless one night stands than be in a relationship with me.”
“Once you’re attached to something, it can be painful if that thing goes away. Maybe he’s afraid that if he gets too attached to you that you’ll go away too. In the meantime, I’m glad he’s focused on school now instead of drugs and destruction. He’s come a long way the last couple of years. They’ve been pretty rough for him. I’m sure you know what that’s like and might find a way to cut him a little slack.” She patted my shoulder. “Whenever you decide to get off the couch and rejoin the population, you have mail on the counter.”
I grudgingly got up and went to the kitchen after Ellen had ventured off to do laundry. My breath caught when I saw the sender. I’d applied to a few colleges before that day at school and had earned a partial scholarship to Stearns University, my school of choice, and was certain the letter was to inform me that I’d lost it because I hadn’t replied. I took the unopened letter to my room, put it in the top drawer of my nightstand, and left it there to deal with later.
31
C harlie picked me up for group, which excited Betty more than it should have, and garnered questions I wasn’t ready to answer about “our relationship.”
In the middle of our session, Claire leaned forward in her chair after having steadily eyeballed Charlie and me since we’d walked into the room together and said, “Okay, what’s happening here? You two aren’t trash talking. You haven’t nipped at each other once in the last couple of weeks.”
“Sam and Charlie had a talk and understand one another better now,” Dr. Pierce said.
“I’m not sure that’s all it is,” Morris said, raising his eyebrows up and down.
“That’s all it is,” I snapped, for show. “Besides, you and Claire have been touchy-feely since day one. What’s up with that?”
“Nothing,” Claire said. “I’m compassionate, that’s all. It’s clinically proven that touching an upset person calms them.”
“Whatever,” I muttered.
“All right,” Dr. Pierce said. “We will move forward in certainty that everyone is following the group rules.” He sat down. “Let’s talk about your goals in dealing with grief, and finding cl
osure.”
“I’ll never find closure,” Mike said. “And the grief will always be there.”
“I think what you need is to forgive yourself. What happened to your father was a freak accident and not your fault. If you drop the guilt you’ll be able to move forward, and that’s when the grief will begin to subside.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“I know it takes time. I just feel that’s where you should start.”
“The rest of my family blames me for what happened. That’s what I struggle with the most. That’s something my being in therapy will never fix.”
“How could they blame you?” Claire asked. “It was an accident. They need to know that they’re only making it worse for you.”
“Mike, have any of your family been to therapy?”
“No.”
“I’d be glad to meet with them in a private session.”
Mike nodded.
“I’ll arrange it,” Dr. Pierce said.
I couldn’t imagine how Mike felt. How much he must have hurt. It made my problems seem so trivial.
After Dr. Pierce released us, Charlie and I went back to my house, to the game room. The instant we reached the bottom of the stairs, he pulled me in for a kiss. I had to admit that I enjoyed kissing him more and more, but also felt guilty because he wasn’t the boy I truly wanted to be kissing.
Charlie’s hands began to slowly roam to places on my body they hadn’t before, and I was okay with it until he asked if I thought anyone would be coming downstairs anytime soon.
“Probably,” I said. I wasn’t ready for what he was hinting at.
“Maybe I should get us a room,” he said, pecking along my jawline.
“A hotel room?” I gulped.
He leaned back to look into my eyes. “Yeah, I thought maybe you might feel the same way.”
“Samantha?” Betty called, saving me from having to respond to Charlie’s suggestion. I knew it would likely be the only time I’d appreciate her meddling. “Do you and Charlie want a snack?”
“We should say yes,” I told him. “She’s trying so hard to build a relationship with me.” The words were true, but I’d only said them to exit the situation.
Samantha darling Page 15
