Charlie and I sat at the kitchen island snacking on fruit and talking about random stuff, but the whole time all I could think about was what he’d said about getting a room.
He kissed the top of my head when it was time for him to leave for work. “I’ll be off at eight.”
“Are you sure you want to go to Austin’s? It can get a little raunchy.”
He smiled. “I want to go. And about the other thing; I won’t bring up being alone together again. I’ll wait for you to let me know when you’re ready.”
I smiled, my chest growing warm in the center. “Thank you.”
“I’ll see you later.”
Walking back inside, I ran into Betty. “Has Charlie left?” she asked, pulling a rolling suitcase behind her. She’d gotten a phone call after setting out the snacks, and I hadn’t seen her again until now.
“He has to work. Are you going somewhere?”
“Last minute to Denver. I couldn’t fix this problem over the phone. I’ll only be gone a day or two.”
“Is Dad going with you?”
“I didn’t think of inviting him,” Betty mused. “But I’m sure that he’d want to stay home with you.”
“I’m an adult, as Dad keeps reminding me. Besides, Ellen and Jonathan, and the security cameras can look after me.”
“If you’re sure you’d be okay, I’ll ask him.”
“I’ll be fine. Ask him.”
32
D ad decided to go with Betty to Denver after making me promise not to do a thousand and one things. One of which, was to not allow boys to spend the night. I rolled my eyes and told him that the plural of boy wasn’t necessary. Surprisingly, he laughed.
I went up to my room and put on a pair of shorts and the Johnny Cash t-shirt that had belonged to my mom. I brushed my hair, which I noticed the sun had lightened some, and then I sat down to read. About a quarter till eight, Charlie called and said that he had to work until ten, and would meet me at Austin’s later.
I almost turned around when I saw Wes’s Range Rover in Austin’s driveway. The sound of the window lowering startled me. The tint was so dark that I hadn’t seen him sitting in the car.
“I wouldn’t go in there if I were you,” he said. “They had a fight. Now they’re making up all over every semi-flat surface in the walkout.”
“Oh,” I exhaled, realizing that they were having sex.
“Where’d you get that shirt?”
“It was my mom’s. She went through a phase where she collected concert t-shirts.”
“Have you ever heard Johnny Cash’s music?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then you haven’t, because you’d know. Get in, I’ll play something for you.”
I got in and looked at his neck to see if it was bruised, and was glad that it wasn’t. “Where are we going?” I asked, when he began backing out of the driveway.
“To the park.”
I had no idea there was a park on the island. But I also hadn’t made a point to explore the entire area. “I have to be back by ten.”
At the park, we got out of the car and walked in silence until we reached a large oak tree where Wes laid down. I took the spot beside him in the cool grass. It felt feathery and light against the backs of my legs. I looked up at the stars peeking through the tangle of greenery above us while he did something on his phone.
“Here.” I took the earbud he held out for me and moved my head closer to his so that we could both hear the music.
He played a song called “Hurt,” which he told me was a cover of a Nine Inch Nails song. You could hear the pain in his voice. And the lyrics… I could so relate to the lyrics. I felt that Wes related to them as well, and thought he’d played the song for me to understand him better. What Ellen told me about him being afraid of having real feelings for someone resonated.
I moved closer and lay my head on his chest where I remained long after the song was over. I’d never listened to another person’s heart beating before. When I was a kid, a doctor let me hear my own using his stethoscope. Wes’s heartbeat was unlike mine, which was often erratic. Especially when I was around him. His was steady—calming. His hand moved through my hair, which was also calming. So much so that I fell asleep.
When he woke me, I was embarrassed and apologized.
“I would have let you sleep, but thought your Dad would worry if you didn’t come home on time.”
I sat up and wiped my mouth, unpoetically checking for drool. “Dad and Betty are in Denver.”
“So you’re meeting your boyfriend at ten?”
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
“But you worked things out?”
“He wants to have sex, so I guess.”
I watched for a change in Wes’s expression, but there was none. It burned me up that he hadn’t even flinched.
There was so much I wanted to say, but knew I’d be wasting my breath, so I placed my head back on his chest and curved my arm over his center. At least I could have this.
“It’s time to go,” he said after a long while of stillness.
“Just a few more minutes.” I closed my eyes again. I wanted to be in his arms a while longer.
During the ride home, Wes’s phone rang and I could tell it was a girl by the way he was talking. My stomach rolled into tight knots. I imagined my intestines were in the shape of a pretzel.
“I thought the booty call girls only texted,” I said after he’d hung up.
“She’s new.”
“Poor thing doesn’t know the protocol yet.”
“There’s no protocol.”
“But there is a long ass line.”
“Are you trying to pick a fight?”
“I’m trying to figure out how you can be intimate with people you don’t care about.”
“I’m not intimate with those girls, Sam. I’m intimate with you. I’ve told you things I haven’t told my own sister.” He turned to me, his voice soft. “I’ve given a part of myself to you I’ve never given to anyone. You have what they all want. Why can’t that be enough?”
I didn’t know how to answer his question and sat still as I watched Charlie pull into my driveway and get out of his car. Even when he was standing on the porch ringing the doorbell, I stayed in place.
“You should go to him,” Wes finally said.
“He wants to have sex.”
“I heard you earlier.”
“I don’t want it to be with him.”
“Then don’t do it with him.”Wes’s phone dinged. “I have to go, Sam.”
“So you can go fuck this new girl?”
He turned and looked me, his expression sharp. “Yes.”
“Why did you take me to the park and play music for me and hold me and brush my hair until I was asleep?”
“Get out of the car, Sam.”
“Why do you hold my hand and make sure I’m okay when something bad happens?”
He didn’t answer.
“You were wrong, Wes. You are a pussy.”
He startled and snickered. “Why am I a pussy?”
“Because you won’t deal with your feelings.”
“It’s not my feelings that I don’t want to deal with. You want something from me that I’ve repeatedly told you I can’t give you, and don’t try to say you don’t, because it radiates from you like fucking sunshine.”
“If you’re so turned off by the idea, then why the hell were you with me tonight? You could have ignored me. The tint is so dark that I never would have seen you if you hadn’t put the car window down.”
“I was with you because I wanted to be.”
“Why did you tell me I’m important to you?”
“Because you are important to me, Sam!”
“Then why are you ditching me to go screw someone you don’t give a shit about?”
“Do you go deaf when I say this? I can’t be with you in that way.”
“Why not? You share everything else with me. You wouldn’t have
said and done some of the things you have if you didn’t feel something.”
“What do you think will happen? That I’ll have an epiphany during sex with you and realize that we should be together and ask you to be my girlfriend while birds are singing and shit?” He turned his head and looked callously at me. “I’ve fucked a hundred girls and that has never happened.”
I felt gutted and more heartbroken than I had in a long time. “God, you’re an asshole.”
“Yeah, and your boyfriend is about to leave. Get out of the car, Samantha.”
I pulled the handle to crack the car door hoping that he would tell me to stay, but he didn’t.
33
“A re you okay?” Charlie asked. “I was starting to worry. No cars were at Austin’s and you don’t have a phone.”
“Yeah. Sorry. He and Charlotte had a fight. Game night was canceled. I was stir crazy and went for a walk.”
“Have you been crying?”
“Um, yeah. I stubbed my toe.” I smiled and tried to laugh it off.
“I didn’t want to be late getting here, so I didn’t shower, but I should have. I smell like steak.”
“You can shower here if you want.”
Charlie started upstairs, then stopped when he realized that I wasn’t following him. “Are you coming?”
“I’ll be up in a minute.”
I took some deep breaths and calmed myself before going upstairs. I made it to my room in time to see him coming from my bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. While Wes’s body was toned and sharply outlined, Charlie’s was meatier, broader.
“Your shower is nice. I almost didn’t want to get out,” he said, dressing himself. “What do you want to do tonight?”
“Maybe watch a movie. I’m a little tired.”
“That sounds good. I’m a little tired, too.”
We went to the hearth room and Charlie sat on the couch and held his arms out for me. I sat in front of him, and he snuggled his face into my hair. I relaxed and let the back of my head rest on his shoulder. He closed his arms tighter around me and I didn’t hate how it felt. He kissed my cheek and I turned my head and kissed his mouth. When he leaned me back and laid on top of me I didn’t hate it. I just wished he was someone else. But, at that moment it was easy to keep going. To just do it and not be a virgin anymore. To be done with the mystery and the expectations. To get Wes and the girl he was fucking out of my head for a while.
Charlie and I went to a guest bedroom, and in the dark, I closed my eyes and let him continue to lead. He undressed me from the waist down and himself completely. While we were kissing, he put on a condom that felt slick against me. The moment before he pushed himself inside of me, I thought of Wes. Of how much I wanted Charlie to be him, even after what he’d said to me, and felt an overwhelming urge to stop, but before I could get my mouth open, it was done. My virginity was gone.
Charlie moved slowly, which was likely because I’d told him to go slow when he’d kissed me. It hurt, but wasn’t unbearable. The mental pain was far more wounding than the physical. The lubrication on the condom was nice since my body wasn’t as ready as I’d hoped it would be. He murmured about how tight I was, how good I felt to him, and it made me feel terrible. Tears formed in my eyes as Charlie’s breath became louder and his thrusts into me increased. I hated hearing the sound. I hated that he was getting so much more out of this experience than I was. But I’d had a choice. I’d allowed this to happen. I thought of Wes again and held onto the image of him until Charlie was finished.
He didn’t hold me afterwards. He didn’t ask if I was okay. He didn’t show any concern or sensitivity toward me at all. I’d expected him to be sweeter, but I hadn’t told him that I was a virgin. Maybe that was a mistake. Or maybe it wouldn’t have mattered. Maybe this is how he always was. He got up, got dressed, and kissed my forehead, saying that he should go home and get some sleep because he had to work in the morning.
After he’d driven away, I walked to Austin’s, not wanting to be alone. I hoped Charlotte was still there and that she and Austin were done making up. I went to the walkout and saw them dancing around the room. Charlotte spotted me and waved for me to come in. She turned down the music and apologized for ruining game night.
“It’s fine. I’m glad you two made up.”
“It was the best yet. I think we’re going to fight more often.” Charlotte winked at me. “Where’s Charlie?”
“He went home. He has to work early.”
“Why does he work at the club? Or at all?” Austin asked.
“It pays well, I guess.”
“I’m sure, but he doesn’t need the money. He’s probably as loaded as I am, and there’s no way I’d have his job.”
“Charlie doesn’t have money. He works because he has to.”
“Sorry, Sam darling, but your boy toy lied to you. My father’s investment firm handles his cash. They can’t give specifics, like, the amount he has, but it has to be significant for the firm to have taken him on.”
“Isn’t it illegal for them to tell you that he’s a client?”
“Nope. They can drop his name. It’s in the contract.”
“Damn, Hot Charlie’s loaded. Who knew?” Charlotte said gleefully.
“What the hell, Charlotte?” Austin complained.
“He’s not hotter than you.” She giggled, then turned the music back up.
Austin and I sat and drank while she danced. We took shots of whiskey—the kind Wes likes, and then I drank some beer. Being buzzed didn’t make me feel any better, but it did push what I’d done to the back of my brain.
Later, a few guys showed up and started a card game with Austin while Charlotte told me about all the hookups she’d heard happened at Austin’s Fourth of July party. Since I knew none of the people she was talking about she would look them up on social media and show me pictures. I was enjoying it. I’d never been so involved in gossip that wasn’t about me before.
I don’t know how long we’d been there when Wes showed up. After glimpsing the beer bottle in my hand, he appeared disgusted.
“What the hell are you doing, Sam?”
“What does it look like?”
“Why are you letting her drink?” he asked Charlotte.
“Letting her? I’m not her keeper. She can do what she wants.”
Wes snatched the beer from my hand. I stood up to take it back, but realized that I was too wobbly to make it happen. He grabbed my arm to keep me from falling. “I’m taking you home.”
“I don’t want to go home.”
“You’re going to let me take you home, or I’ll have Jonathan call your dad.”
“Since when are you a tattle tale?” Charlotte asked.
“Stay out of it, Charlotte.”
“Well, excuuuuse me,” she sang.
Wes unsteadily led me out of Austin’s house and into the Range Rover.
“From now on, what I do is absolutely none of your business,” I slurred.
“You didn’t get what you wanted so you’re going to act like a baby and shut me out?”
“I just don’t want to radiate my feelings all over you like fucking sunshine.”
“Is that why you got drunk, because I hurt your feelings?”
“I got drunk because I drank too much. You of all people should know how that shit works.”
“I know how easy it is to get sucked into substance abuse, Sam. It feels good for a while, but after you come down, you’re still the same person with the same problems you had before.”
“I’ll pass on the hugs not drugs talk.”
“I’m not trying to lecture you. I’m speaking from experience. You know that. We’ve talked about it.”
“Intimately,” I almost growled the word before getting out of the car at home. “I can let myself into the house.”
“You can barely stand. I’ll help you to your room.”
“Whatever.” I slung the door open and started up the stairs. Wes stayed close a
nd made sure that I didn’t fall.
Once we’d made it to my room, I felt nauseated and hot. My mouth watered and I knew I was going to puke. I grabbed a small trashcan next to my dresser and threw up so hard that it hurt my sides. Once it was all out, I felt slightly better.
“I’m going to shower,” I told Wes. “You know where the door is. Let yourself out.”
After washing away the remnants of having been with Charlie from my body, I put on Wes’s t-shirt that I’d slept in since acquiring it and went back to my room where I found him sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Why are you still here?”
“I didn’t want to leave you alone.”
“You didn’t have a problem leaving me alone earlier.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Nothing is.” I crossed the room and sat on the bed, the soreness between my legs reminded me of what I’d done, and how I could never take it back. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
Wes said my name, sounding concerned.
“Go home,” I told him.
He remained still.
“Get out!” I shouted. “I don’t want you here!”
He didn’t move. Watching him, rage built within me. “Get the fuck out!” I stood up and shoved him hard.
He quickly caught his balance. “I’m not leaving you like this.”
I screamed, then folded over bawling. Wes pulled me up, into his arms and I died a little. He smelled like the mint air freshener in the Range Rover. I felt his rapidly beating heart nudging my chest. I liked that the room had stopped spinning, but not that he was holding me. “I’m not crying because of you.” I twisted out of his arms and walked to my bathroom to clean my face. My reflection made me sick. “I let Charlie have sex with me,” I said, still facing the mirror. “It was so unimportant to him that he didn’t even undress me all the way, and left almost immediately after pulling out of me.” I ran the back of my hand over my face, swatting at tears. “I gave away a part of myself that I shouldn’t have, for the wrong reason, and to a person I don’t love. A person I will never love. I made a mistake I can never undo, and while it was happening I couldn’t stop thinking about you. It’s pretty fucking pathetic, but really, that sums up the whole evening.”
Samantha darling Page 16
