Nobody's Baby

by Carol Burnside

  While she mulled that over, he gathered her to him again, ignoring the wary look she gave him. “I know you struggle with your feelings for him. Whether or not you have a role in his life is your decision.”

  “That wasn’t the arrangement.”

  Rio bit back a nasty epithet. “The damn arrangement flew out the window when James and Allie plunged over that cliff. But that’s off-topic. This is about you ...” Rio pressed a quick kiss to her jaw.

  “And me ...” He blew on her neck, grazed her earlobe with his teeth and had to suppress a grin at her indrawn breath.

  “And one more night.” Using his teeth and tongue, Rio applied special attention to the tender skin at her nape and felt her relax against him. He was reasonably confident his plan was working, considering the after-sex tears and this morning’s quick leap into a snit. With a little luck she’d see things his way by morning. While he’d intended to wait until A.J. was down for a longer period of time, Rio found it difficult to keep his distance. No reason why they couldn’t have a prelude.

  “No fair,” Kate protested, but turned her face into his and nuzzled closer.

  He edged his mouth toward hers and cupped one breast as their lips touched again. She arched into his hand and gasped against his mouth. Lust shot through him like lightning. Rio deepened the kiss, taking her mouth hard, their tongues warring and tangling. If the arms locked tight around his neck were any indication, Kate was with him all the way.

  Rio blazed with need. He grabbed her bottom in both hands and lifted.

  She wrapped her legs around his waist and clung with a little whimper pushing from the back of her throat. Without breaking away from the kiss, he walked to the couch and eased her down, one hand on her rear to keep her from falling backwards. One knee on the couch and one foot on the floor. Not an ideal place to finish what they’d started. There just wasn’t enough room, but the likelihood of making it up the stairs without Kate rethinking her actions was slim.

  He needed a solution and fast.

  Kate reached between them and opened one button on his shirt, then another. Rio broke away and scooped her up as he had many times before. This time she was lighter and certainly less bulky so getting to her doorway was a breeze. Halfway to her bed, a tiny cry stopped him cold. No, no, no. Not now, A.J. Not now.

  “Did you hear that?” Kate asked in a loud whisper.

  Rio stifled a groan. “He’s only been asleep a half hour. He’ll drift off again.”

  The cry sounded again, louder now.

  “I don’t think so, Rio. Put me down.”

  He could tell from her tone the mood was blown, so he did as requested but turned her to him and placed a kiss on her forehead. “I’m sorry. Let me give him his nighttime bottle and get him down again, then we’ll have about six hours straight.”

  Kate pressed both palms to her cheeks and heaved a sigh, then laced her fingers behind her neck. She shook her head. “I should’ve never allowed this in the first place. What’s the point? It’ll only make things harder in the long run.”

  Her head snapped up before Rio could respond, her gaze accusing. “Or was that the point all along?”

  Annoyed with the slow response to his summons, A.J. began crying in earnest.

  “I won’t deny that I want you to stay, but that’s not ...” Another cry with an added tremor made Rio backtrack through the doorway. “Look, we’ll discuss this later. Just ... don’t jump to conclusions, okay?”

  Her attempt at a smile had sad edges. “It doesn’t matter. This was a mistake. He needs you more than I do right now. Just go.”

  Cursing the timing with vicious thoughts, Rio had no choice in the matter.

  Kate moved to the doorway and watched him take the steps in pairs, getting a bittersweet thrill out of watching the play of muscles in his backside, despite the heaviness in her chest. Goodbye, Rio.

  At the top of the stairs, he glanced back and came to an immediate stop as if he’d felt the finality of her unspoken words. He frowned, bounced a fist on the railing several times, then pushed off and disappeared in the direction of A.J.’s makeshift nursery.

  Her emotions were a jumble of wanting to rush to A.J.’s aid and wishing she could indulge in one more night with his hunky uncle. But the truth of the matter was, she couldn’t be trusted around Rio. The last few minutes had made that clear. One touch from him and she melted like ice cream under hot caramel. With a hollowness in her stomach, she moved inside the room, shut her door and turned the lock. Though she should be used to sleeping alone, the bed she faced looked bleak and lonely tonight.

  Deciding an early bedtime wouldn’t kill her, Kate showered and packed the last of her things, leaving out her toothbrush, toothpaste, hair brush and fresh clothes. She slipped between the covers and closed her eyes, only to open them again when A.J. began crying anew.

  Every time she came close to drifting off, his cries cranked up as if he knew she was leaving and wanted a proper goodbye. It was a preposterous idea, but during one pillow-pounding moment of clarity, Kate knew what she had to do come morning.

  * * * * *

  The morning sun was peeping through the curtains when Rio discovered he’d overslept. Considering how long he’d lain awake cursing Kate’s stubborn streak and the locked door when he’d returned, he wasn’t surprised. A.J.’s uncharacteristically rough night hadn’t helped either, but the little tyke was always awake by sunrise if not before.

  Something was wrong.

  Pulse jumping, he dragged jeans over his legs and barely got them zipped before opening his door. At the sight greeting him, Rio halted in mid-stride. Careful not to make any sound, he backtracked and pulled his door closed except for a thin sliver to see through.

  Kate hovered over A.J.’s crib, speaking to the baby just above a whisper. Amazingly, the little guy seemed content to listen. The tiny fingers of one hand were clenched around Kate’s forefinger.

  Rio exhaled and leaned his forehead on the doorjamb for a second. Thank God. She’d changed her mind. If she was touching A.J., she was going to stay. Rio slowed his breathing and strained to hear what she had to say to the baby after all this time.

  “So you see, it’s not that I don’t want to hold you. I do. But I carried you around for over eight months. You were great cargo, kiddo. Don’t let anyone tell you different.” She paused, staring at A.J. with a soft, vulnerable expression.

  “Besides, if I let you steal my heart completely, I might never leave, and there are things I have to do or at least try. Me keeping my distance has nothing to do with you, because you’re a good baby for the most part. Your Uncle Rio — or Daddy or whatever you end up calling him — doesn’t know how lucky he is to have such a sweet boy.” Kate smiled at the baby and stroked his fingers with her thumb. “No. He doesn’t. He surely doesn’t.”

  As quickly as her smile had formed, it disappeared and her face crumpled. She clapped a hand over her mouth and squeezed her eyes closed for a second, then sniffed and dashed a finger under her lashes.

  Rio’s hopes had fallen with her first sentence. The effect of seeing her composure fail had been akin to someone kicking him in the gut.

  Taking a deep breath, she extracted her finger from A.J.’s grasp. “Sorry, kiddo. This has to be goodbye for me and you. I’ve reached my limit of resistance where you’re concerned.”

  Rio eased the door closed. He wanted to hit something. Too bad he didn’t have a punching bag in his gym. That would’ve been perfect, except the person taking the licks should be him. Kate was a strong woman. She knew what she wanted and went after it. He respected that. He did. But selfishly, he’d only thought about himself and A.J. when trying to get her to stay and how great it would be to be a family with Kate.

  She’d sacrificed her wants and needs for years. Then she’d done this huge, generous thing for James and Allie so they could have a family and she could get a degree. An education was something most people took for granted, but she’d had to go to great lengths to g
et it. And what had Rio done but make things harder for her at every turn? All because it was easier to do it his way.

  Not easier for Kate. He’d only made things more difficult for her. Well, that stopped now. Wasn’t there some saying about releasing someone you love and they’ll come back to you? This was Kate’s time to spread her wings. He had to let her go.

  Rio took a fast, hot shower to clear his head and saw to an exceptionally complacent little boy’s needs. He stuck the monitor in his pocket and left A.J. staring in fascination at a motorized mobile hanging over the crib with soothing ocean sounds playing in the background.

  Kate wasn’t hard to find. She was in her favorite spot in the sunroom off the kitchen, sipping coffee. One booted foot was tucked underneath a jeans-clad leg, while she used the other to keep the wicker rocker in motion. In the distance, snow plows were busy clearing the roads, making it possible for Kate’s exit from his life.

  He ached with the knowledge of what had to be done but wasn’t sure he could pull it off.

  * * * * *

  “I owe you an apology.” Rio’s voice shattered the serenity of Kate’s sanctuary.

  She’d come in here for the quiet so she could listen for snow plows, so she could judge how close they were and when it was safe to leave. His statement piqued her curiosity. “What for?”

  “I haven’t been completely honest with you. Hell, I wasn’t completely honest with myself.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “That day in the hospital when I asked — okay, practically begged — you to come here with me, I was concerned for A.J., that he wouldn’t receive proper care with me in charge. But now I realize that wasn’t all of it. A part of me already didn’t want to let you go.”

  His confession solidified something her mind had been shying away from. “Well, as long as we’re confessing, it wasn’t just A.J. I was afraid of becoming too attached to.”

  Rio’s eyes gleamed like a mountain stream gilded by the summer sun. For a moment she thought she’d given away too much, but he simply looked down at the lined moccasins he usually wore indoors, rocked back on his heels twice and nodded. “We could be really good together, Kate.”

  “Don’t start.” She pushed to her feet, took a stumbling step back, shook her head. “The roads are almost clear. I’m leaving.”

  “I know.” He made a sound of disbelief as if he couldn’t believe what he was saying. “And this time I won’t try to stop you.”

  Was this some kind of trick? Kate felt the need to reinforce her statement. “If I stay, I’d always wonder if I’d missed out on something. I would start resenting you and A.J. for making me give up my dream. That wouldn’t be fair to any of us.”

  “I get that, but I never asked you to give up anything. You could still go to college. A.J. and I won’t stay here. We’ll go back to Denver, to Hawthorne House.”

  “It wouldn’t be the same, Rio. I don’t want to be bitter, pushing everyone I love away because I didn’t have the courage to go after what I wanted. I have to do this on my own terms. I have this need to experience the college scene on campus and know that I gave myself the best chance at a better future.”

  “So that’s it, then.” Much to Kate’s relief, he sounded more resigned than angry. “You just drop out of my life.”

  “That was the plan all along. I’m not changing anything.”

  “No. That was the plan before we made love. Whether you want to admit it or not, that changed everything.”

  “Not for me it didn’t.” Kate fully expected a bolt of lightning to strike her down after that lie shot out of her mouth.

  Rio’s lips formed a straight line. His chest expanded and contracted more forcefully. “I’m not surprised. Examining alternatives might require a little creative thinking on your part, an adjustment to your precious dream. Has it ever occurred to you that starting college in your late twenties won’t be the same as it would’ve been straight out of high school?”

  Now there was something she hadn’t wanted to examine too closely. Ever. Her lungs seized with the fear that he could be right. It was a second before she could respond. “So what? I suppose you’d have me stay here and take over raising A.J. so you don’t have to be bothered.”

  “I wouldn’t do that. He’s not a bother. I might’ve been reluctant to raise him at first, but I have never shirked my responsibilities to him.”

  “Only because I kept pushing you to bond with him,” she snapped back.

  “Not true. I would’ve done right by him, no matter what. I just wouldn’t have let my guard down. I took a risk. That’s more than you can say.”

  “What? How can you say that? This whole thing has been nothing but risk for me. I risked my health and heart to gamble on a future.” Her voice rose, full of indignation. “You have no clue how difficult it’s been keeping my distance from that little guy upstairs. I carried him inside me, Rio. I realize you can’t relate to that, but believe me when I say it was a big deal. Huge. Staying here without connecting to him has at times been on the verge of excruciating. I’ve gone over and above the initial agreement. Now you would have me rearrange my life once again for your convenience?”

  The snow plows were loud in the silence that followed her outburst. They were really close. A muscle in Rio’s jaw ticked and Kate figured he’d probably explode any second. Instead, he shook his head and scrubbed both hands over his face. “Believe it or not, I intended to come in here and apologize for hammering away at you to stay. I was even going to wish you good luck with college.”

  He shook his head again, such a look of bewilderment on his face, Kate’s anger evaporated. Maybe she was a sap, but she believed him and almost felt sorry for him. “That would’ve been nice to hear.”

  His eyes were bleak, the color of a winter sky just before a heavy snow. “I hope you find what you’re looking for, Kate. Be happy.”

  “Thanks. You too.” Her words sounded rusty, edging around throat muscles rigid with emotion. “Goodbye, Rio.” She skirted around him, practically dashing to her room. It was time — now or never — because leaving Rio was proving to be more difficult than she’d ever imagined.

  * * * * *

  Kate bawled from I-40 to I-70 trying to expel the deep sadness that had weighed her down the moment she’d closed the condo door behind her. She’d said her goodbyes. It didn’t matter that Rio hadn’t responded. Instead, his “be happy” was the last thing he’d said to her and that somehow made her feel even worse.

  She hated the feeling that she was making a mistake, cried over having to forego another night in Rio’s arms because she was too weak to do so and still leave. All her plans, all her wishing and waiting and hoping. How could this be the wrong path for her?

  Tears falling too thick and fast for her to see the road, she pulled onto the shoulder and stopped. This was crazy. She couldn’t allow tender feelings for a man and baby to interfere with her plans. It was a beautiful day — a beginning, not an end. She had her whole life ahead of her. College, a career and then she could think about a man, a family. If she still wanted one by then.

  She mopped her face, blew her nose and pulled back on the road, doggedly focusing on the positives. Even if she did have to repeat them like a mantra. Mile after mile, she talked herself out of turning around. When she tired of those reasons, she focused on her destination and the possibilities ahead. By the time she reached her little duplex, Kate’s eyes were puffy and her nose still red, but she was determined to ignore the hollow feeling in her chest and stomach.

  Today was the first day of the rest of her life. Wasn’t that what optimists said? So, she’d look for the rainbow. Yes, it hurt to leave Rio and A.J. behind, but she’d known that going in. She had to toughen up and get over them because she deserved a new start, an education and a little fun for a change.

  There might be some work ahead in order to be accepted by a younger crowd, but she was up to it. So she wanted a few “me” years. What was wrong with that?<
br />
  Chapter Thirteen

  Staring at the Scrabble board in front of her, Kate smiled. This was nice. Really nice. An emotional hug. Thanksgiving at a restaurant with her brothers, back to her place for board games and sodas, then beer for Zach after the guys decided to crash at her place for the night. Perfect. Though how they could munch on cookies after the huge meal they’d eaten was a mystery. It felt like old times, when they hadn’t had money to do anything else. Well, except for the part where she couldn’t stop missing Rio and A.J. and kept wondering what kind of holiday they were having.

  That was natural. It had only been a few days. She just had to keep focusing on the positives. Like Zach. He’d really come around. Back at the restaurant, he’d taken advantage of Dean’s restroom break and asked if she was really okay. She’d reassured him and they’d hugged. Dean had caught them and grinned. Even through such a great day with her own family, her last conversation with Rio replayed in her head and made her heart ache anew.

  “Hey.” Zach waved a hand in front of her face, much more relaxed and agreeable than he’d been in a long time. “Earth to Kate. Your turn.”

  “I’m strategizing.” She blinked and refocused on the board.

  Dean burped loud and long. “That’s what I think of your strategizing.”

  He and Zach nearly fell off their chairs laughing at her indignant expression. “For heaven’s sake, Dean. I thought you guys had outgrown that crude stuff. You’re supposed to be grown-ups now. Act like it.”

  “Yes, Mama.” Dean snickered.

  “Sisters are —”

  “We know,” they interrupted her in stereo, then switched to sing-song mode. “Sister’s are grossed out by that stuff too. Ewwww!”

  The last bit was more than a tad theatrical, the way they screwed up their faces, drew out the sound and ended with exaggerated gagging noises. Honestly, they could regress to childhood faster than she could blink. She rolled her eyes, shoved away from the table and grabbed their empties. “That’s it. I’m cutting you off. No more beer and sugared drinks for silly adolescents.”