Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  As she rejoined Olivia, she held one out. “Thought you might need one.”

  “Thanks.” Olivia smiled. It was a sweet gesture. But Casey’s face was impassive.

  “I thought maybe you might not have slept well. And maybe I was right.”

  Olivia couldn’t read what was underneath the words, but there was definitely something. They headed out to the car in silence. Things were weird between them again, but she didn’t know why. She opened the front passenger side door before Casey could open the back door for her.

  “Do you mind if I sit up here? I mean, it’s just me and I thought we could…” She wanted to say they could chat. But Casey’s blank expression was a little off-putting

  “Sure.” Casey moved to the driver’s side and got in. “It’s a fifty-minute drive.” She flipped a switch and a little tray table slid out. Olivia slotted her cup into the cup-shaped hole and sat back. Whether Casey wanted her company or not, she wasn’t going to spend the journey in silence. Last night, they got on well. And she was pretty sure that Casey could have made an excuse and escaped at any time. But she hadn’t. So Olivia was going to take heart from that and hope this strange mood of Casey’s was just her being grouchy because they were heading out into rush hour traffic once more.

  * * *

  The traffic had been moving well, but as they reached Holborn, the congestion slowed them to a crawl. Casey rolled her shoulders and rotated her neck to ease the stiffness. If she didn’t have to drive Olivia to this appointment, she’d have gone to the gym and tried to work off the stress she was feeling on the treadmill. Instead, she was sitting in traffic—Olivia beside her—trying not to let her stinking mood show.

  Casey had finally managed to persuade her mom to speak to the police, but the officer in charge had called her bright and early to tell her that, while her mom acknowledged that Neil had taken the rent money, she said that he sometimes paid other bills, so it shouldn’t be considered theft. Her mom’s choices in life were often mystifying to Casey, and she had no idea why her mom would want to protect Neil that way. But she did, and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it.

  On top of that, this morning’s encounter in the corridor suggested that maybe Olivia and Billie did have something going on. She had no right, but she couldn’t help but feel disappointed. She had spent the last fifteen minutes telling herself it was for the best. Having feelings for Olivia was ridiculous, and knowing she was interested in someone else, someone like Billie, should help her close those feelings down. Of course, it would help if Olivia didn’t turn up every day looking fucking gorgeous, but it seemed that was Casey’s cross to bear.

  “Do you think you’d like to have children?”

  Casey turned to Olivia. “That’s a strange question.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just that last night you were talking about your youth work, and I wondered if that meant you like kids. And I’m assuming you don’t already have any because you’ve come over here for a long trip.” Olivia faltered. “But, if you do…I mean, I’m not saying you shouldn’t leave them in Portland. I’m sure they’re being looked after by someone.”

  Casey couldn’t help but smile to herself. Olivia was digging a hole. She held out a metaphorical hand.

  “I don’t have kids, no.” She made herself carry on, made herself push through her bad mood. “But I’d like to have them one day.”

  “Same here,” Olivia replied. “But I haven’t ever been in a situation where it seemed even halfway possible. Work, this job, life—just seems to always get in the way. And I haven’t really—” She stopped and Casey glanced at her. She was chewing the inside of her mouth, looking like she was trying to figure out whether to say something.

  “Go on.” Casey spoke gently. Olivia made her want to be gentle.

  “I just haven’t ever met the right person. It’s a cliché, but it’s true. Louise would say I haven’t tried very hard, but dating in LA is scary. I’m not saying everyone’s on the make, or trying to use you somehow, but I fear I seem to be able to pick the ones that are.”

  Olivia sounded like she’d had some bad experiences. She wanted to know but didn’t think it was right to ask.

  “My last girlfriend and I talked about kids a lot. If I was honest, I should say we fought about them a lot. I wanted them, she didn’t. I would have been happy to foster or adopt—there’s so many kids already in the world who need a good home—but she wouldn’t even consider that. Like you, she had a career that was more important to her.” Casey stopped, realizing that it might seem as if she was judging Olivia. She was, but only a little bit. “I just mean that I had the kind of job where I could have taken time off, but Hannah was an ‘influencer.’ She was building an online following. She didn’t think kids would fit with her brand.”

  It was hard for Casey not to sound bitter about it. It was how she felt. She’d wasted time with Hannah, imagining they were building a life together. But Hannah hadn’t been thinking the same way. Her career always came first.

  She beeped her horn at a black cab that cut in front of them, coming perilously close to scraping their car. Olivia was startled and grabbed for her arm, gripping it tightly. For a few seconds, she left her hand there and it was enough to get Casey flustered.

  “I’m sorry.” Olivia withdrew her hand. “I got scared.”

  “Cab drivers, they think they own the road.”

  Casey wanted them to keep talking. The way they were before, but the interruption seemed to have silenced them both.

  “You and Louise never dated back in the day?” Casey already knew the answer was no—Olivia and Louise just didn’t have that kind of vibe when they were together—but she was hoping that it might prompt Olivia to tell her about Billie.

  “God, no.” Olivia laughed. “I can’t imagine that. She’s wonderful and all of that, but she’s like a sister to me. A really annoying younger sister, but still a sister. But, oh my God, I forgot to tell you.” Olivia turned to Casey excitedly. “Liam and Louise. You were right. Liam told me. I feel bad gossiping, but you already spotted it so it’s not news. Liam confessed he has feelings for Louise.”

  Casey couldn’t help but smile. She wasn’t a gossip—and she didn’t even know these people—but somehow Olivia’s excitement made her happy. “Does Louise feel the same way?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t ask her obviously, and I don’t know if Liam ever will. He’s convinced she would never want him that way. It might end up being one of those things that could have been something but wasn’t—because he isn’t brave enough to make the leap and say something about how he feels.”

  For an instant, Olivia’s words stirred something in Casey, but then she felt embarrassed. Olivia wasn’t giving her a hint; she needed to calm down.

  “And if I’m honest,” Olivia said, “I don’t want them to. I don’t mind them falling in love, but when they fall out of love, I don’t want to have to pick up the pieces. Or worse, choose sides.”

  “Maybe they won’t fall out of love.”

  “Maybe. But people do and the aftermath can be awful.”

  “Sounds like you’re talking from experience.” Casey didn’t want to pry, but she was curious.

  “Maybe I am. Maybe I learned that when you fall for someone, there’s always a heavy landing waiting for you somewhere along the way. And the faster you fall, the more it hurts.”

  Casey felt saddened by Olivia’s words. For some reason, she hated to think that Olivia had been as badly bruised by love as she had.

  “You’re right to be worried. Dividing up friends after a breakup is harder than just dividing up the books and cats—” Casey’s phone interrupted her. She looked at the screen, sitting in its holder on the dashboard. Her mom. She cut off the call. A moment later, it rang again. This time—after a quick sorry to Olivia—she answered it, using her earpiece so only she could hear her mom. />
  “You know you said you were coming this morning?” Her mom sounded oddly cheerful. “Could you bring some tea bags? I’m out and Neil doesn’t drink coffee.”

  The hairs on Casey’s neck stood up.

  “Is he there? Are you okay? Do you want me to call the police?” Casey willed her mind to remain clear. “I swear, Mom, if he steals another penny from you, I’ll—” She couldn’t finish the sentence.

  “No, no, don’t go to that much trouble. PG Tips is just fine. Nothing else.” Her mom stressed the last two words. “Oh and guess what? Neil’s sister is pregnant. Great news, yes. Just bring tea bags. Like I said. You’re on your way? Great. See you then, love.”

  The call disconnected without Casey needing to respond to any of it. Her mom was telling her he was there and that she wanted Casey to come, but not call the police. Her mind was racing.

  “What was that?” Olivia sounded concerned. “Is everything okay?”

  “I have to go and see my mom. It’s an emergency.” Casey faltered, not wanting to tell Olivia the grubby details but needing her to understand that she wouldn’t just bail on her without a good reason. “She’s going through some bad stuff. It sounds like she needs me.”

  Casey let out a sigh. Maybe Olivia would be pissed off with her, but she had to hope she’d also understand.

  “It’s partly why I came back. My brother’s here, but he’s useless. He never steps up, and anyway, she thinks it’s not his job, that daughters have to be the ones to deal with all the shitty stuff.” Casey screwed up her face willing herself to stop speaking, to stop spewing out all this family drama. Olivia didn’t need to hear it.

  “I’ll drop you off at the magazine and get Tania or another driver to pick you up after. I’m pretty sure you won’t have to wait. David has a lot of drivers, I’m sure someone will be free. I’m sorry, but I have to go and see her, y’know?”

  Despite her effort to remain calm, Casey couldn’t stop her voice from cracking. She wanted to cry, wanted to scream with frustration. She wanted to tell her mom that this was on her—she could have had him arrested, but she chose not to. But of course, she did none of these things. She just gripped the wheel even harder, and her chest felt tight with the effort of maintaining her composure.

  “Are you okay?” Olivia put a hand on Casey’s arm. Casey welcomed the touch, could hear the concern in Olivia’s voice. It helped and yet it didn’t. Casey tried to slow her breathing, to say words that sounded professional, that would alleviate Olivia’s concern.

  “My mom is—” She took in a breath. “My mom is in an emotionally abusive situation. The guy has turned up. My mom has let him in. She doesn’t know how to say no, how to make good choices for herself. She never has.” Casey wanted to be mad at her, but she couldn’t. “She’s too vulnerable.”

  Somehow, putting it like that, for Olivia’s benefit, made her understand, helped her see. Her mom was vulnerable. She didn’t love or respect herself enough to say no to him. And he was taking advantage of that.

  “And you’re going to do what? Drop me off and go driving over there to confront him? Don’t you think you should call the police?”

  When Casey didn’t reply, Olivia put her hand back on Casey’s arm. “Casey?” Her voice was low, sure and soft. “Pull over here please.” She pointed at a store to their left that had a huge empty parking lot outside. The store looked derelict. Casey pulled down on the indicator lever and turned into the lot, parking right outside the double doors chained together at the front of the store.

  “You can’t go into a situation like that on your own. It could be dangerous. Call the police, or call your brother and ask him to go.”

  “She called me. She expects me to go. And she doesn’t want the police. She made that clear. He’s not dangerous, not really. She just can’t ever say no to him. He’s probably come looking for money again.” She sighed with frustration and began to clench and unclench her jaw. It was an anxious habit—one she’d forgotten.

  “How far is it from here?” Olivia looked at her watch and Casey felt terrible.

  “I should get you to the studios. None of this is your problem and you’re going to be late. I don’t want to be the reason for a missed appointment.” Casey switched the engine back on before Olivia reached across her to turn it off again.

  “How far away is your mom’s?”

  “Fifteen, twenty minutes. But we’re going in the opposite direction.”

  “Not anymore we’re not.”

  Olivia fished her phone out of her bag and called someone.

  “Hey. We’re going to be a couple of hours later than we said. Might even be three. No, it’s fine, I just need to do something. Can you call them, apologize, and rearrange it for noonish?” Olivia’s fingers played with the clasp on her bag as she listened to someone on the other end. “I’m aware of that, obviously. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”

  Casey tried to focus on the call, on Olivia. But her mind kept drifting back to the brittle cheerfulness of her mom’s voice. And to the idea of Neil feeling so sure of himself—so sure of her mom’s weakness—that he would call in to see her just a few weeks after stealing half of the contents of her house.

  “Let’s go.”

  When Casey didn’t respond, Olivia turned to her.

  “Come on. Let’s go and see your mom.”

  “We can’t do that.” Casey lifted her eyes. Olivia gazed back at her, kindness written across her beautiful face. It was almost too much for her.

  “We can. I understand that you’re worried about me meeting her because you know your mom is going to love me. Moms always love me. Louise’s mom loves me more than she loves Louise. But you’re going to have to put up with that because,” her voice grew more serious, “your mom is in a situation and she needs you. Kind of like I was in a situation last night. You didn’t hesitate to help me, so consider this payback.”

  Casey couldn’t find any words. She stared back at Olivia gratefully, with all the tenderness she felt for her in that moment.

  “Okay, if you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure.”

  Casey put the car into gear and started the engine before turning to Olivia.

  “Thank you.”

  Chapter Ten

  Her mom’s driveway was empty. It didn’t mean he wasn’t inside. Casey didn’t even know if Neil still had a car. But it was wise of him not to bring it if he did, because she didn’t trust herself not to cause it some damage. The memory of knocking over Hannah’s beloved camera and it crashing to the floor poked to the front of her mind unhelpfully. Casey hadn’t always had a good grip on her temper.

  She pulled up in front of the house.

  “You can wait here. I won’t be long.” Casey wasn’t worried for Olivia’s safety—Neil wasn’t that kind of guy—but she didn’t want Olivia to see the way her mom was living, or to hear the things she had come to say to Neil. She didn’t want Olivia anywhere near the whole damn mess.

  “I’m coming in.” Olivia had a determined look on her face as she unbuckled her seat belt. “You have your plan and I have the tea bags.” She held up the box—the box Casey had bought from the shop on the corner. “And I’ll be a useful distraction.”

  They got out and looked at each other over the top of the car. “I’m sorry about this.” Casey couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “Don’t be. Your mom needs you. Let’s see what we can do.”

  “Mom,” Casey called out as she entered the house through the back door. The kitchen was empty, but she heard voices in the living room. She tracked along the corridor, wanting and not wanting Neil to still be there. Olivia was at her elbow. As she reached the door, the deep voice of a man was loud and clear inside the room. She heard her mom laugh—a little too loud, a little too eager.

  “Damn.” She pointed toward the living room. “He�
��s still here. And I think she’s been drinking. I’m sorry.”

  Olivia placed the palm of her hand on Casey’s back. “Don’t be. It’s okay.” Her hand moved up and down stroking gently. It gave Casey the encouragement she needed. She pushed the door open.

  “Hey, Mom, we bought the tea bags. Shall I make us a brew?”

  Her mom stared at her with a slightly glassy expression. They had spoken half an hour ago and she sounded sober. On the coffee table sat a half empty bottle of vodka. It didn’t need Hercule Poirot to figure out the way things had gone. He had brought drink, knowing her mom wouldn’t—couldn’t—say no.

  Neil stood. She was gratified to see that he seemed nervous.

  “Casey. Long time no see. How’s America treating you?” He held out a hand. She ignored it.

  “Not long enough. Why are you here?”

  “Casey.” Her mom said her name like a warning. Casey knew how this would go. Her mom—so keen for her help in getting rid of him—would now take his side. “Don’t talk to Neil like that. It’s rude.”

  “Is it rude to rob you? Or to pretend to pay the rent, steal the money, and leave you homeless?” She turned back to Neil. “What is it? Run out of spending money, or maybe your sister’s sent you here to get some money for the new baby. You’re not welcome here, and there’s nothing left to steal, so I suggest you leave before I call the police.” Casey could feel her temper rising, the burning heat in her cheeks. She willed herself to calm down.

  “We haven’t met. I’m Olivia. A friend of Casey’s from America.” Olivia walked over to her mom, gave her a huge smile and a kiss on both cheeks. Her mom actually blushed.

  “I haven’t tried these tea bags before.” She held out the box like an offering. “But Casey tells me that they’re awesome. We don’t have them in the States. Would you be so kind as to show me how the British make a nice strong cup of tea?” Olivia had a hand on her mom’s back, guiding her toward the kitchen as she spoke. Her voice low and confiding. “The traffic was lousy, I’m desperate for a cup. And Casey has told me so much about you. I’m so happy to meet you.” Olivia was an actress, so Casey shouldn’t have been so impressed by her ability to improvise, but somehow she was.