Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  She had an afternoon of rehearsals after the morning’s interviews and tonight was Louise’s big poker game, so she wouldn’t see Casey at all until tomorrow. She rubbed her temples and sighed deeply. Her attempt to get closer to Casey had backfired spectacularly, and she only had herself to blame.

  Liam came into the room wrapped in a towel. “Are you gonna pout and sigh like that all day?” He hunted through the drawers in the dresser as he spoke. “You’ve got a face like a smacked arse.”

  Despite her mood, Olivia couldn’t help but smile. They’d heard a woman say it to her child the day they arrived in London and they’d been using it ever since.

  “I’m serious. You look fed up.” Liam found a pair of shorts and slipped them on under the towel before dropping it and turning to her.

  “That’s because I am.” Olivia responded grouchily. “I have a hangover and—” She waved at him to turn around. “I don’t need a close-up of you in your underwear.”

  “Jeez, Liv, for someone who gets undressed and does unspeakably filthy things on camera, you’re such a prude in real life.” Liam picked up a pair of jeans from the chair and pulled them on. “Better?”

  “Much, thank you.” Olivia could have reminded him that it was Susie who did those things, not her, but constantly pointing it out was getting dull.

  Liam sat on the edge of the bed. “I actually owe you a big thank you. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was worrying about the big love scene Lou and I have to do today. And I came out of my room—” He cleared his throat. “I was going to go and see if Louise was up. I’d convinced myself I had to tell her how I felt and how difficult it all is for me.” He picked at the bedcover. “But then I saw you and Casey and I went straight back inside.” He smiled. “So you making out with Casey in the corridor saved me from making a fool of myself with Louise.” He held out a fist for her to bump.

  “You saw us?”

  “I did. And I’m guessing that whatever happened with you two has got you feeling all weird and that’s why you’re sighing so much. I mean, I’m guessing, you can tell me I’ve got it all wrong, or that it’s none of my business.” His tone was kind. It always was. He was the sweetest of all of them.

  “We kissed.” Olivia let out a sigh of relief. She was so glad to talk about it with someone. “That was all.”

  That wasn’t all. It wasn’t even close to being all. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it.

  “It was incredible. And I wanted more, but she said no.” Olivia put a hand over her face, glad this was Liam she was confessing to and not Louise. “And now I’m worried I’ve made things really fucking awkward and I wanted to talk to her about it, but she’s not here.”

  “I can see why you feel awkward.”

  “You can? Why? I mean I do feel awkward, but why do you feel like I should?”

  Liam went to the closet, riffling through the shirts before choosing one and slipping his arms into it. Olivia waited for him to come back to the bed and sit down.

  “You’re the beautiful actress in town on business and she’s the impossibly handsome driver who’s been hired to drive you around. It’s kinda tropey. And if I were Casey, I’d have been worried about you waking up so full of embarrassment today that you’d fire me rather than face me. So I’d have said no too. And yeah, I’d probably be annoyed that you put me in that position when I’m just trying to do my job and be nice.”

  “Wow, you weren’t tempted to sugarcoat it a little for me?”

  “I could but I know you. I’m sure you’re being twenty times harder on yourself than I am, so what’s the point?” Liam buttoned up his shirt.

  “I like her, Liam. A lot. We had this great afternoon together, and I decided to wait for her in the bar. But it wasn’t because I was planning to come on to her.” Olivia was careful to keep her voice neutral. “I just wanted to spend more time with her. But we had a bit to drink, and I realized I wanted to, you know, with her. I wasn’t thinking about her being ‘the driver’ or how awkward that might make things, but maybe I should have. It’s just that she’s smart and sweet and gorgeous.” She took in a breath. “And somehow she seems real and honest, when everything else in my life isn’t.” She tried to sound as casual as possible, but inside her chest, her heart was beating faster than usual. She knew what she was saying was crazy even as she was trying not to make it sound that way.

  “Lou is gonna be so smug. She said the two of you were getting into something. I hate it when she’s right about things.” He smiled at Olivia kindly. “Are you going to do something about it? Do you know if she feels the same kind of feelings?”

  Out of the three of them, Liam was the real romantic, the one who hadn’t been bruised by love.

  “I don’t know.” It was the truth, but she was also guarding herself, guarding this thing they had—whatever it was. “She kissed me back. She seemed as into it as I was for a while. And she said some really nice things to me last night, but we were both pretty drunk. My plan today was to apologize for coming on too strong, blame the drink, and see if she throws me any kind of a rope. I don’t want things to be awkward. And I don’t want to have to be in a car with Tania. Her driving terrifies me.” She tried for a joke.

  “Come on, Liv.”

  “What?”

  “You can do better than that. Don’t minimize it. It sounds like you like her. Don’t write it off like that without finding out if she feels the same way.”

  “Are you giving me advice about speaking up when you’ve got feelings for someone, because…” She screwed up her face. “I’m not sure that you’re exactly practicing what you preach.”

  “I know, but my situation is a little different. I want to stay in Louise’s life, and if I come on too strong with these feelings, there’s a chance I’ll ruin the friendship. And that is the most precious thing for me in all this.” He gave her a bashful smile. “It’s different for you. If you take a shot and it doesn’t work, you’ll be out of here in a week. You can afford to take a chance with Casey.”

  “I know that rationally, but I don’t think I’m wired that way. When I like someone, I need to know them, to trust them. I like to go slow. Usually. When I ‘go’ at all.”

  “Unless you’re drunk, in which case you can be found making out with them in the corridor outside your room.”

  “Don’t.” Olivia covered her face with her hands before Liam pulled them away laughing.

  “I’m kidding. And like I said, I’m grateful. I’m glad that I went back to bed without knocking on Lou’s door. It was the wrong time to tell her. I was just freaking out because of today. But you don’t have the time to go slow, Liv. If you’re too careful, the opportunity will be gone. You’ve got to say something. Or do something. Take a chance.”

  Olivia didn’t respond. He was right, but that didn’t mean she wanted him to be.

  “And what about you taking a chance?” She poked him. “Maybe you should tell her before you get started today.”

  “No. The moment’s passed now. You saved me. Doing the scene with her knowing I’m pining for her would be the worst. I wasn’t thinking straight last night.”

  “None of us were thinking straight last night.”

  Except Casey. She’d been thinking straight when she said no to Olivia and again when she had dodged her this morning.

  Liam put on his socks and shoes. She had a flash of memory of Casey kneeling at her feet and unbuckling her shoes. It hadn’t been what she’d have chosen to have Casey do if she was kneeling in front of her, but it was very sweet.

  “I know it’s ridiculous to get attached to someone in such a short span of time, but it’s been nice to have someone new to spend time with.” It was true, but it wasn’t all Olivia could have said. It was nice to spend time with someone new who was also sweet, funny, and fascinating, someone who hadn’t the faintest idea who Susie was, wh
o didn’t want a single thing from her. It was kind of fabulous. And the idea of leaving Casey behind in a week was tough. Tough enough that she’d already googled how far away Portland was from LA.

  “Ouch.”

  “What?”

  “Someone new? That’s cold, Liv.” He sat back down next to her, threw an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a sideways hug. “Sometimes old and comfy is best—like your favorite hoodie or pair of sneakers.”

  “Old sneakers smell. Everyone knows that.” Olivia stuck out her tongue before extricating herself from his hug and heading to the door. “See you downstairs in five?”

  Liam nodded.

  “Take mouthwash and your toothbrush.”

  Liam stared at her.

  “You’ll be drinking coffee all morning. Lunch might involve tuna or onion. You want Michael to make love to Jessie with stinky breath?”

  He ran to the bathroom and Olivia couldn’t help but smile. She thought she had problems, but she wasn’t going to spend the afternoon making out with a best friend she’d fallen in love with, while a director told her exactly how far into her mouth she needed to push her tongue.

  In two days’ time, she was going to be doing exactly that with Billie, but the difference was that she didn’t give a damn about Billie, or what she thought of Olivia’s technique. And if Billie didn’t stop being such a pain in the ass, she was going to brush her teeth in anchovy paste before every single one of their scenes together.

  The idea of it made her smile. She walked to her room with a little more of a spring to her step than she had managed so far that day.

  Maybe Casey avoiding her was a good thing. A day or two away from Casey—and all the things she was making Olivia feel—was probably just what she needed to get her thoughts straight.

  * * *

  Casey turned the corner. The corner she felt like she’d turned fifty times in the last ten days. They were on the home stretch back to the hotel, but the traffic—as ever—was crawling. As she saw the Shard up ahead, she couldn’t help but think of Olivia. Not that she hadn’t spent the best part of the day thinking about Olivia. About their kiss, about the schedule being switched so that Olivia could avoid being driven by her today.

  Her mind was a confusing whirl of lust, regrets and surprise. Even drunk, she hadn’t expected Olivia to make a move like that. But over the course of a mostly sleepless night, Casey had convinced herself that Olivia was entitled to a holiday romance, was entitled to want to have sex. Just as Casey was entitled to say no. It was okay and it didn’t have to be awkward. When she eventually caught up with her, Casey would make sure Olivia knew that she was fine about it and they didn’t have to avoid each other.

  Except her heart was hurting. She was stupid enough to have wanted it to mean something. She had feelings for Olivia, but it seemed that Olivia just wanted a drunken fuck. Maybe she was more like Susie than Casey had ever imagined.

  “Do we have time to go up real quick?” Louise asked from the back seat. “Take a quick Shard selfie.”

  “I don’t think so, sorry. I was told you have to be back at the hotel to get changed and grab lunch and you’re needed on set by one thirty. This traffic is already making us late.”

  “You found time to go with Olivia.” Billie spoke up from the seat next to her.

  “I did. That was an afternoon off for us both though.”

  Casey hadn’t felt able to say no when Billie got in the front of the car, but she’d tried not to be drawn into conversation, keeping her responses to Billie’s intrusive questions as short as she could manage. Billie seemed like someone who got attention whenever she demanded it, but Casey wasn’t in the mood for her at all.

  “So you and Olivia are spending your afternoons off together? That’s sweet.” Her tone suggested she thought it was anything but sweet.

  “One afternoon,” Casey corrected her.

  “I can understand why you might want to hang out with Olivia. She’s very appealing. She’s rich, famous, attractive. But why she wants to spend time with you is a little more of a mystery.”

  Casey felt herself tense, felt her anger building.

  “Billie, come on. Why are you going out of your way to be so obnoxious?”

  Casey was grateful for Louise’s intervention. Billie turned in her seat to address her.

  “I’m not being obnoxious. I’m being honest. I think Olivia can do better. And I think it reflects badly on the show that it’s our driver who’s helping her into the elevator when she’s drunk, rather than one of us.”

  “She wasn’t drunk.” Casey couldn’t help but defend her. “You all know that.”

  “I’m just saying that’s how it looks. That it reflects badly on all of us. These things don’t have to be true.”

  “Like you’ve never been photographed when you’re not at your best. It’s happened to all of us, Billie.”

  “I’m photographed when I want to be and only when I’ve got something I want them to see. If you guys don’t understand the power of controlling your own narrative at this point in your careers, then that’s kind of sad.”

  They sat quietly for a few moments as the car inched along in the traffic. The atmosphere thick with all the things that weren’t being said. Casey understood that Billie was jealous of her, but she couldn’t understand why. She was no threat. If Olivia wasn’t interested in Billie, it wasn’t because of her. It was probably because Billie was an arrogant jerk.

  “There’s parking for the Shard up ahead on the left. Just pull in there please.”

  “I already told you, we don’t have time. I’m supposed to keep you on schedule. I don’t want you to be late getting back.”

  It was turning into a battle of wills.

  “Forget it, Billie. Casey’s right. You can’t be late for rehearsals. I mean, I know you like to be, but it’s kind of annoying for everyone when you are.” She muttered the last sentence, but it was audible to both Casey and Billie. Casey couldn’t help but smile.

  Billie huffed and did a little sighing, but then a tense silence fell that Casey was grateful for.

  “She won’t always be the star of the show, you know? You’ll see. I’m gonna get a lot more attention this season. And a lot more respect. And I know how to act like a star. I’m exactly what the show needs to liven things up.”

  Casey didn’t need to look across at her to see the pout. She knew it was there.

  “Did you really just say that out loud?” Louise laughed. “That Bond villain shtick is wonderful. We just need to get you a pussy to stroke. Oh, wait—”

  Casey saw Louise’s smirk in the rearview mirror and couldn’t help but grin.

  They were getting closer to the hotel, where she assumed Olivia would be waiting for them. If she was taking Billie to rehearsals, then Olivia must be going too. Despite everything, Casey felt her pulse quicken at the idea of seeing her.

  “I don’t think timekeeping is part of a driver’s duties. And I think that if we want to stop somewhere, you should stop. It’s up to us if we want to be late, not you.” Billie sounded like she wanted a fight with someone and had decided Louise was too sassy to mess with.

  “Understood.” Casey couldn’t afford to argue with her.

  “Maybe Olivia has you feeling like you’re important in some way, but the rest of us just need you to drive and do as you’re told.”

  “Absolutely.”

  Casey couldn’t stop her jaw from clenching. Billie was being a bitch, and they both knew that Casey could do nothing but tolerate it.

  “I love that single word answer thing you keep doing,” Louise said, a smile in her voice. “It’s a bit James Bond in its own way. I feel like we have an entire movie going on in here. And I’m going to be Miss Moneypenny. It’s a lifetime ambition. And it means that you,” she poked Casey’s seat, “have to flirt with me.”


  “I can’t, sorry. I’m only allowed to drive. Flirting isn’t in the contract.” Casey was taking a chance by taking a dig back at Billie.

  “Who even are you anyway?” Billie half spat out the words. “You’re a nobody, but somehow you still manage to act like you’re better than us. It can’t be easy to drive with that stick up your ass.”

  “Billie.” Louise said her name like a warning. “There’s no need for that. We’re just having a bit of fun.”

  “And I’m just reminding our driver of her place.”

  Casey was happy to turn onto the narrow street that led to the hotel. They traveled the rest of the way in silence. As soon as Casey pulled up, Billie jumped out and stalked into the hotel without a backward glance.

  Casey got out and moved around the car to open the door for Louise, offering her a hand as she climbed out.

  “I could get out by myself, but I like you doing it.” Louise smiled at her warmly.

  “All part of the not-very-good service, madam.” She bowed.

  “Don’t listen to her. She’s pissed because you wouldn’t play with her.”

  “It felt more like an interrogation than playing.”

  “She’s just curious. We’re all a little intrigued by you. It’s a compliment.”

  “Is it?”

  “Kind of. Billie’s jealous because she thinks you like Liv more than her.”

  “She’s right about that,” Casey muttered.

  “And because she knows Liv likes you a lot more than her.”

  Casey couldn’t help but react to Louise’s statement. Had Olivia said something to her? She hated herself for thinking that way.

  “It’s like high school. And I’m far too old for it.” She was chiding herself more than Louise.

  Casey locked the car and walked side by side with Louise into the hotel. She wanted to see if Olivia was back from her interview. They needed to talk. She needed Olivia to know that the kisses—even now the memory of them made her warm—didn’t mean they had to avoid each other.