Never Be the Same

by M. A. Binfield

  “You’re sorry for having second thoughts?” Olivia sounded surprised.

  “No.” Casey stopped herself, testing the truthfulness of her denial. “Yes, in one way. But no in another. I just mean that you can’t take all the blame for that. I was drunk too and I wanted to kiss you. There are a lot of things I appreciate about you too.” Casey couldn’t help but smile.

  They looked at each other for a long beat.

  “So we’re going to spend the next week ‘appreciating’ each other, say good-bye and then become Instagram buddies?” Olivia spoke first. She kept her voice even, and Casey couldn’t tell if she was as upset as she was. She was an actress after all.

  “I guess so. Except…” Casey paused. “I don’t do Instagram.”

  “Of course you don’t.”

  That time, Casey caught something under the words. She didn’t want Olivia to be upset, but she didn’t like to think she was unaffected either.

  “Shall we walk?”

  “Okay.”

  They headed off slowly and after a few paces, got into step with each other. Casey felt Olivia’s hand in the crook of her arm. The touch of her fingers against her skin was a surprise. She looked at Olivia. She was staring out across the river. Casey made herself relax. She could do this. She could manage her feelings, be friendly, and keep things simple.

  They kept the river on their right and walked slowly along the path. The warehouses—long since converted into luxury apartments—loomed over them on the left.

  “Things have gotten pretty intense between Lou and Liam.” Casey chanced the remark, wanting them to talk about harmless things.

  “They spent the afternoon undressed and in bed together. I imagine it’s made them face up to a few things about how they’re both feeling.”

  “It’s just all so weird to me. All those people watching you make out with someone you have a thing for. It seems so exposing somehow. I can’t imagine wanting people to watch me kiss my girlfriend. It was bad enough Hannah wanted to broadcast the rest of our life.”

  Olivia stopped walking.

  “I don’t want people to watch me kiss my girlfriend either. I’m private too. Believe it or not. I don’t want people photographing me when I’m sleeping, or videoing me without my consent. Just because I’m an actress it doesn’t mean I don’t want privacy.” Olivia sounded annoyed.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Stop apologizing.” Olivia’s tone was brusque.

  “No, I was judgmental. I didn’t mean to be.”

  They kept walking. They were closer to the bridge. It was lighting up the river barely fifty yards away. It looked golden in the yellow of the spotlights that lit it up across its length. The iconic structure was one that everyone recognized as belonging to London. Casey had forgotten just how beautiful it was.

  “This might be a good spot for a photo.” Casey stepped closer to the railing on the riverside. “And you can’t see it because the bridge is so brightly lit, but behind it is the Tower of London, resting place of your favorite anointing spoon.” Casey tried to lighten the mood.

  “It’s so beautiful.” Olivia was by her side, and she pulled out her phone to take a few photos of the bridge. “I can’t imagine you could get a better view of it than this. The light is perfect.”

  And Casey couldn’t imagine a better person to share it with. The reality of the depth of her feelings for Olivia made her feel sad, not happy. In a few days, Olivia would move on to Paris and these feelings—of lust, of love, of possibility—would be completely redundant. And Casey would be back to the cold hard reality of dealing with her mom’s mess and getting back to her life in Portland. In theory, Portland would make her close enough to Olivia to chance staying in touch, but even thinking that seemed too hopeful after today. Their lives were just too different, and if Hannah had taught her anything, it was that those differences never stopped being a problem.

  Casey stepped away from the railing and put out her hand to take the phone. “Want me to take one? Your fans will love it.”

  Olivia looked at her and shook her head. Instead, she reached for Casey’s hand and used it to pull her back to her side.

  “I know how much you hate selfies.” Olivia straightened her arm, with the phone out in front of them. “But I also know you can’t say no, because you know as well as I do that we don’t have a lot of time together, and I think we’re going to be happy to have some memories of this trip. Something for us, not for Instagram.”

  Casey heard the catch in Olivia’s voice. And couldn’t help but be glad that she was finding this as hard as she was. She slipped an arm around Olivia’s waist, pulling her closer. And when Olivia leaned her head against her cheek, Casey let herself relax for the first time that day. Olivia took a couple of photos while they posed and tried to smile like they meant it.

  And when Olivia finally put her phone down, neither of them moved. They were standing together, their backs to the river, their hips touching, Casey’s arm still looped around Olivia’s waist.

  “This is crazy.”

  “It is.” Casey understood exactly what Olivia meant.

  Olivia turned to her. They were inches apart. It would have been so easy for Casey to just kiss her. She wanted to. She knew now that Olivia would welcome it. But it wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t stop the clock, and it wouldn’t do anything to make the differences between them feel less like a chasm.

  “Shall we head back?” Casey spoke first.

  “In a minute.” Olivia slipped her hand into Casey’s and held it tightly. “The quiet is nice. The darkness is nice. Being close to you is nice.”

  Without giving any warning, Olivia leaned into the space between them and kissed her. The kiss was much more tentative than the night before, but it still sparked something in her body and Casey couldn’t help but respond to the feel of Olivia’s lips on hers—soft, warm, and wanting. She pulled Olivia closer, feeling the press of her breasts against her own, deepening their kiss. She cupped Olivia’s cheek as they kissed, her skin soft under Casey’s fingertips. And when Olivia dipped her tongue between Casey’s lips, Casey felt her arousal like an electric current running down her spine and landing between her legs. She opened her mouth, inviting Olivia to be bolder, her own tongue meeting Olivia’s, their kisses hungry and desperate, until finally Olivia broke away, breathless, her eyes wide, her lips full and red.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. It was kind of a Susie move.” She looked up, as if gathering her thoughts. “I meant to do it, obviously. I just know it wasn’t smart—in the circumstances.”

  “I guess it wasn’t all that smart—in the circumstances.” Casey turned them so that Olivia had her back to the railings. She had one arm on either side of her. And resisting the impulse to kiss her was impossible. She grazed her lips against Olivia’s softly and slowly, her kisses gentle and then not so gentle. Her mouth claiming Olivia’s hungrily. She dipped her head to feather kisses across the smooth skin of Olivia’s neck, letting herself taste the skin with her tongue and then with her teeth. Olivia moaned at the contact, pushing herself harder against Casey, her kisses more urgent and wanting and her hands on Casey’s ass. Her desire was intoxicating, and Casey found it hard to stop. But from somewhere, Casey registered the fact that she was supposed to be steering them into safer waters, not swimming in the deep end. She pulled her mouth away from Olivia’s and pushed herself off the railings with a sigh.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t, we said—” Casey was mad at herself for her lack of self-control.

  “Maybe it’s okay, maybe it matters somehow that we can’t stop kissing each other.”

  Casey made herself stand a little straighter, made herself think a little straighter. The kissing didn’t matter. What mattered was someone like Casey would always feel like an outsider in Olivia’s world—the one who got accused, the one who didn’t measure
up and got cheated on. It wasn’t self-pity; it was her experience. And suddenly everything about her feelings for Olivia seemed absurd.

  “The kissing doesn’t matter. You have your life and I have mine. And being thrown into a situation where we coexist for a couple of weeks, doesn’t mean a thing. None of this matters, and if we stop now, no harm done, we can go our separate ways without any regrets.” Casey felt ashamed of herself for the lie. But it was for the best. She needed to put some distance between Olivia and her feelings.

  “You think that none of this matters?” Olivia sounded hurt, but Casey couldn’t afford to care. She already felt embarrassed enough.

  “When I suggested we go for a walk, it was so we could say exactly these things, so we could clear the air. We kissed. We might even want to keep kissing. But it doesn’t matter. In less than a week, I’ll be driving someone else around London and you’ll be flirting with your new French driver.”

  Olivia looked at her intently before shaking her head. “I don’t believe you think that.”

  Casey couldn’t repeat the lie. Her heart was aching in her chest.

  “Maybe we should head back.” She turned away from Olivia, indicating the path they had just walked down. She tried to sound casual, willing her face not to give her away. She looked at her watch. “I forgot that I said I’d call Gina.” Casey was no actress and it probably sounded as fake an excuse as it was.

  Olivia seemed to get the message. She set off, walking next to Casey, but staying silent, as they walked back to the hotel.

  In the lobby, Casey feigned a need to talk to Reception, not wanting an awkward elevator ride. After Olivia had gone, she went to the bar, ordered a whiskey, and downed it in one gulp. She pushed herself off the bar and took in a deep breath.

  They had feelings for each other. They hadn’t defined them, but they both knew they were there. But Casey was right. The feelings didn’t matter. The feelings didn’t get them anywhere.

  They’d agreed to be friendly. Casey could do that. She was going to get a good night’s sleep and trust herself enough to hope that tomorrow, when she saw Billie, she would be able to hold her tongue, keep her job, and see out the week until they all boarded that Eurostar train that was going to take them to Paris and out of her life.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Olivia picked up her phone and typed out a text to Casey.

  Hey. Want to grab a drink? I’m downstairs.

  She sighed before deleting the text without sending it, in the same way she’d done three times before. She knew Casey was upstairs. She’d seen her bring Louise and Liam back to the hotel half an hour ago. But Olivia hadn’t been quick enough to intercept her, so now she’d stationed herself in the bar with a glass of wine and a script in front of her, hoping that if Casey did come down, she might catch her.

  The strength of her need to see Casey surprised and slightly scared her. She had often wondered if she’d been so bruised by what Kristin had done to her that she wouldn’t ever be able to trust again. But somehow Casey had her feeling not only that she might have found someone she could trust, but—she let herself admit it—someone she could love.

  Except Casey had decided that whatever else was good about the two of them, there were too many obstacles to make taking a chance worthwhile. Olivia was having a hard time accepting it, and she missed Casey more than she had expected.

  Her phone dinged. She looked down at it hopefully. It was Louise.

  Where are you? Want to drink with me and hear me pine about Liam?

  She didn’t, but she was a good friend.

  Sure. I’m downstairs in the bar.

  Olivia forced herself to look back at the script. Susie was telling Phoebe to forget all about her, to stop pretending that they could ever have anything that would be worth Phoebe leaving her life of comfort and safety for. It was a good scene. It would have been better still if Susie didn’t relent and then fuck Phoebe in the front seat of her car. It was very Susie, and she normally didn’t care, but with all that was going on, the idea of working with Billie on the scene was disturbing. She read the lines over and over, willing them to sink in, not sure if the wine was helping or hindering.

  “Hey, babe.” Louise settled into the chair opposite. “Not exactly the best place to learn your lines.” She pointed up at the speaker, now playing what sounded like Dua Lipa.

  “Yeah, I know. I just wanted to get out of my room for a while.”

  Louise caught the waiter’s attention and ordered a glass of wine.

  “Well, that’s not entirely true.” Olivia felt a small stab of embarrassment. “I was kind of hoping Casey might pass by.”

  “You still haven’t seen her?”

  Olivia shook her head.

  “Have you tried calling?”

  “I’m not doing that. She obviously doesn’t want me to.”

  “A text?”

  “No, it’s okay. I’m just doing the silent pining thing, and if it’s meant to be, the universe will throw her into my path somehow. I’m just helping by watching the elevators, while totally pretending not to.”

  “Why not ask them to switch up the schedule? We’d be happy to have Tania.” Louise gripped the edge of the table comically.

  “I did think of that, but Casey driving me would also mean driving Billie. And I think that whole situation with Billie is part of what’s freaked her out.”

  “She’s a monster. I still can’t quite believe she leaked those stories about you.”

  The waiter put Louise’s wine on the table, and she took a sip and sighed.

  “We don’t know that for sure.”

  “We do. It’s one of the things I wanted to tell you. Liam is so fucking awesome. He called up the journalist who ran the two stories, said he was Billie’s manager and the payment hadn’t come through. You should have seen him. I was falling off the chair with all the swooning I was doing. He was wearing his blue checked shirt and his glasses, and he’s so talented at acting that he even started to look like someone who would totally be Billie’s manager. A very sexy manager—”

  “Lou.” Olivia waved a hand in front of her face. “Is there a point to this story? Apart from to illustrate your raging thirst for Liam.”

  “Oh yeah, sorry. Anyway, this woman is so dumb that she just says. ‘But we didn’t agree to a payment. We were offered the stories for free,’ and then she suggests he go and check with Billie, as there’s obviously been a mix-up. I think she skipped the ‘protect your sources’ class in whatever sleaze journalism school she went to.”

  “Are you serious?” Olivia couldn’t quite believe that Billie would want to hurt her like that.

  “Yeah. Turns out Liam was right with his theory.”

  “But why?”

  “You’d have to ask her. My theory—and Columbo agrees with me—is that she’s just jealous. All that stuff she said about wanting to become the star of the show. She’s not happy you get all the attention. And I’m guessing her offering herself on a plate to you so many times and you giving it the ‘hell no,’ hasn’t helped. I imagine her ego is not used to people saying no.”

  Olivia’s brain was scrambling to process what Louise was telling her. Billie was annoying, but Olivia had always thought she was harmless.

  “That’s crazy. Do you think I should be telling someone? To protect myself, I mean. What if she does it again and tomorrow’s story is worse?”

  “Up to you. But I’m pretty sure she’ll deny it, so Liam would have to get involved as a witness. And then the studio will want to know why we didn’t tell them before. It seems like a lot of trouble. Why not just talk to her? Tell her you know, tell her to back off. Threaten to tell the studio if there’s any more stories. It might work.”

  “Knowing she’s done this makes shooting scenes with her even more impossible. It’s bad enough anyway, but now—” Olivia couldn�
��t keep from panicking. “Fuck, Lou, she could get anyone to get a picture of me on set. I’m close to naked for half the scenes we’re shooting together. I can’t go through that again.” She pressed her fingers to her temples, willing herself to calm down. What was it about her that attracted these kinds of people?

  “She won’t do that. She’s got it in her head to blame Casey, and Casey isn’t anywhere near the set.” Louise put a hand over hers. “Talk to her. Warn her off. And remember that it’s Susie naked on set, not you. Susie and Phoebe. Not Billie. It’s just acting. Trust me, I’ve been telling myself this like a damn mantra every time I’ve been on set with Liam. The tension between us is off the charts, and shooting those kinds of scenes together is making it worse. It’s so fucking confusing.”

  Olivia willed her brain to process what Louise was telling her. Billie had done this to hurt her, because of professional jealousy. It was absolutely insane. It felt like the last straw.

  “You’ve got to say something to him.”

  Olivia made herself focus on Louise and on Liam and not on her panic about being exposed against her wishes yet again.

  “I will. I’m building up to it. I think I kind of wanted him to go first, but there’s no sign of it. All we’re doing is sitting close and gazing at each other. Yesterday, we were holding hands without realizing it. And when we did, we both pulled away, horrified.”

  “Lou, come on. You know Liam. He’s going to need you to make the first move. You’re intimidating because he knows you’re a lot more experienced than he is.”

  “Cheers, buddy.” Louise laughed. “I’ll take that the way I hope it was intended.”

  Olivia held up her hands. “You know what I mean.”

  “We have Friday night off. I was going to ask him to take me out to dinner or something. Get him a little drunk. And then try and make it obvious.”

  “Good idea. Take him to that restaurant Casey mentioned, the one that’s on the riverside next to Tower Bridge. It’s a very romantic setting.”